Latte

It's a gift.

espresso

I got sober through AA and I have never once regarded it (sobriety or AA) as a burden. Maybe some people who don't do AA (but have stopped drinking), see "it" as a burden. Personally speaking, anyone who thinks "not drinking" is a burden has not reached their rock bottom.

I won't go on about AA because I know it's not for everyone but I will say this.

The last 16 months of my drinking was pretty much round the clock. I never thought I'd stop. I never thought I'd be able to get up without needing a drink. On the days when I had no money to get alcohol, all I did was scheme about how to get some money for the next drink. If I could have sold my floor boards to drink I would have done because I'd sold everything else. I started to get used to the ghosts and weird things coming out the walls and off the ceilings. After all they were my only "friends".

I didn't care that I was living in squalor and I mean squalor, that I would only go out generally in the dark for more supplies. When I got rid of my bottles I would also rummage through other people's garbage bags for food. I didn't care whether I existed or died; in fact some days I hoped I wouldn't wake up from the permanent oblivion I sought but never found.

Today, I wake up knowing exactly what I did the night before. I wake up ready for the day whether I have things to do or not, whether I feel happy or depressed. Today I appreciate flowers in the park and I know what day/month/season it is. Today I can help others without expecting anything in return and Today I have some measure of self respect and dignity. Today I face Life on Life's terms; the good, the difficult and the mediocre. Would I swap one bad day in my sobriety for one day of my drinking? No way not even for a million bucks.

KenL

Thank you sugarscars for revealing these things about your life. What you have written is an inspiration.

I agree that recovery is all about DIScovery. Discovery about our individual lives and how we can make choices that result in positive ends. Sometimes those decisions end in negative ends. But the process we go through to reach those ends is what now defines us. Within that process, we discover who we are.

That is the discovery. At least for me. I am now experiencing life and not merely living it. I don't have epiphanies each day and I don't mean to be maudlin. But the fact stands that it is a very deep and moving transformation in which I find myself. Will this transformation ever end? I don't think so. I find myself to be a bit of a dreamer and sometimes even a space case. Having said that, though, I am comfortable with it and I embrace it because that is something I have discovered about myself in this post-drinking stage of my life.

Today I am submitting a cover letter and resume to an organization where I wish to work. There's a million butterflies in my stomach right now. I haven't done this in ten years. It's all new and fresh. But I discovered in myself the confidence that I lacked before to do this. That confidence is a good feeling and it really boosts my self-esteem and self-respect. I am grateful for the butterflies as much as I am for the confidence. Wherever this ends, I do not know. But the experience of living it with a clear mind and decisions that have a firm foundation is what makes recovery so rewarding. I am looking forward to discovering more about myself regardless of where this journey takes me.

And to you Espresso. AA is a wonderful organization. Don't worry that others don't choose that path. Be proud and happy to talk of AA in whatever way you wish to. If it has saved your life then that is reason enough to have your say whenever you wish. Thank you too for bearing your soul.

Ken

jamdls

Sobriety is a gift to me that I rejected for so many years, now that I have accepted it I realize the burden I carried for years in the form of a bottle that might as well have weighed a 1,000,000 pounds. Life is awesome.

Judy