Thoughts on Who I am Meant to Be
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Thoughts on Who I am Meant to Be
I'm entering my third week of sobriety. I am thinking and feeling a lot of very deep things as I progress along.
Sometimes I feel as though I am being led down a path my some mystical force that I can't understand. Sometimes I feel like I'm running and as I am running, pieces of an armor that I wore are falling away into the past. And out of the armor comes a new being who is raw and fresh and looking for answers to its new awakening. Where is it, what is it, how does it do what it needs to do. What are these feelings that I've never felt? How do I make sense of them and am I who I am supposed to be or is this something that nees develop? Where do I find the answers to these questions
I think of something I read my Thomas Merton in his book Seeds of Contemplation that leaves me wondering deep and penetrating thougths of my existence and my sanctity. The quote reads:
"For me to be a saint means to be myself. Therefore the problem of sanctity and salvation is in fact the problem of finding out who I am and of discovering my true self.
Trees and animals have no problem. God makes them what they are without consulting them, and they are perfectly satisfied.
With us it is different. God leaves us free to be whateever we like. We can be ourselves or not, as we please. But the problem is this: since God alone possesses the secret of my identity. He alone can make me who I am or rather, He alone can make me who I will be when I at last fully begin to be.
The seeds that are planted in my liberty at every moment, by God's will, are the seeds of my own identity, my own reality, my own hapiness, my own sanctitiy.
To refuse them is to refuse everything: it is the refusal of my own existence and being: of my identity, my very self.
Not to accept and love and do God's will is to refuse the fullness of my existence.
And if I never become what I am meant to be, but always remain what I am not, I shall spend eternity contradicting myself by being at once something and nothing, a life that wants to live and is dead, and a death that wants to be dead and cannot quite achieve its own death because it still has to exist."
So as I run down this path where there is no alcohol, shedding pieces of tarnished armor, am I seeking for the connection to God that makes me who I am to be. Wanting to be something that God wants me to be? I don't know who I am meant to be. I don't know how to find that. I want to push through the soft barrier and find something not of this world. I am beginning to think that what I am truly seeking cannot be found in this world. Or can it?
Sometimes I feel as though I am being led down a path my some mystical force that I can't understand. Sometimes I feel like I'm running and as I am running, pieces of an armor that I wore are falling away into the past. And out of the armor comes a new being who is raw and fresh and looking for answers to its new awakening. Where is it, what is it, how does it do what it needs to do. What are these feelings that I've never felt? How do I make sense of them and am I who I am supposed to be or is this something that nees develop? Where do I find the answers to these questions
I think of something I read my Thomas Merton in his book Seeds of Contemplation that leaves me wondering deep and penetrating thougths of my existence and my sanctity. The quote reads:
"For me to be a saint means to be myself. Therefore the problem of sanctity and salvation is in fact the problem of finding out who I am and of discovering my true self.
Trees and animals have no problem. God makes them what they are without consulting them, and they are perfectly satisfied.
With us it is different. God leaves us free to be whateever we like. We can be ourselves or not, as we please. But the problem is this: since God alone possesses the secret of my identity. He alone can make me who I am or rather, He alone can make me who I will be when I at last fully begin to be.
The seeds that are planted in my liberty at every moment, by God's will, are the seeds of my own identity, my own reality, my own hapiness, my own sanctitiy.
To refuse them is to refuse everything: it is the refusal of my own existence and being: of my identity, my very self.
Not to accept and love and do God's will is to refuse the fullness of my existence.
And if I never become what I am meant to be, but always remain what I am not, I shall spend eternity contradicting myself by being at once something and nothing, a life that wants to live and is dead, and a death that wants to be dead and cannot quite achieve its own death because it still has to exist."
So as I run down this path where there is no alcohol, shedding pieces of tarnished armor, am I seeking for the connection to God that makes me who I am to be. Wanting to be something that God wants me to be? I don't know who I am meant to be. I don't know how to find that. I want to push through the soft barrier and find something not of this world. I am beginning to think that what I am truly seeking cannot be found in this world. Or can it?
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I sometimes stop and have to think about what i feel because sometimes they are feelings i think i have not had before, i think you described it better than i can. To give an example after only a few months if someone asks me do you like/dislike something i have to pause and have a think as the instant reaction i would have had whilst drinking may not be what i actually feel/think. It's amazing what a journey of self discoveery this actually is...
IMO I believe that as long as keep doing the actions that keep us sober which includes getting the right amount of support we need and staying away from the negative influences that we will naturally and spiritually turn into the person we always should have been and that part is something that does not need a great deal of analysing, just enjoy the journey one day at a time (i don't go to AA this is what i believe).
Well done for getting sober:-)
IMO I believe that as long as keep doing the actions that keep us sober which includes getting the right amount of support we need and staying away from the negative influences that we will naturally and spiritually turn into the person we always should have been and that part is something that does not need a great deal of analysing, just enjoy the journey one day at a time (i don't go to AA this is what i believe).
Well done for getting sober:-)
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Oh, Ken, this is a big one.....and all I can say about it right now is that, yeah, that is the journey -- the only one that matters, the only one that counts.
...and the spiritual connection / guidance / leadership is absolutely key for me, too. I know that, but it's also very, very hard for me because really working on myself spiritually and trying to connect with and trust and follow that guidance is very, very new to me (less than 5 years), and I get the sense from what you've been writing that you have a pretty strong background there (at least interest and education wise), so I'm not sure if anything I have to say is going to be helpful or not.
So far the things about this work that are the most challenging to me are:
* keep my rational mind out of the way
* be patient
* be content knowing and doing only my own little "next right thing," instead of trying to take over the show and do HP's much more interesting and much more glamorous part
* accept the fact that this work just isn't like work in other areas of my life and that progress in this area just doesn't look like and can't be judged like or even "taught" like progress in those other areas.
As far as how much of this work / of this goal I can achieve in this world, I really don't know. My sense is still pretty strong that that's pretty limited, but, in truth, over the last 3 years or so, I have been repeatedly amazed and surprised by how much is possible...and when I really look back at my progress and at how my sense of connection has changed and grown, I know that I am way, way beyond where I would have thought possible just a few years ago....so, who knows?????? And I guess I'll probably only find out by continuing to go where I'm lead.
I saw a bumper sticker a few weeks back that said: "Where God leads, He provides." That's an important thing for me to remember when I feel unsure or afraid.......and, it's OK for me not to know where I'm going (I hate that part!), but it's not OK for me to stop.
freya
...and the spiritual connection / guidance / leadership is absolutely key for me, too. I know that, but it's also very, very hard for me because really working on myself spiritually and trying to connect with and trust and follow that guidance is very, very new to me (less than 5 years), and I get the sense from what you've been writing that you have a pretty strong background there (at least interest and education wise), so I'm not sure if anything I have to say is going to be helpful or not.
So far the things about this work that are the most challenging to me are:
* keep my rational mind out of the way
* be patient
* be content knowing and doing only my own little "next right thing," instead of trying to take over the show and do HP's much more interesting and much more glamorous part
* accept the fact that this work just isn't like work in other areas of my life and that progress in this area just doesn't look like and can't be judged like or even "taught" like progress in those other areas.
As far as how much of this work / of this goal I can achieve in this world, I really don't know. My sense is still pretty strong that that's pretty limited, but, in truth, over the last 3 years or so, I have been repeatedly amazed and surprised by how much is possible...and when I really look back at my progress and at how my sense of connection has changed and grown, I know that I am way, way beyond where I would have thought possible just a few years ago....so, who knows?????? And I guess I'll probably only find out by continuing to go where I'm lead.
I saw a bumper sticker a few weeks back that said: "Where God leads, He provides." That's an important thing for me to remember when I feel unsure or afraid.......and, it's OK for me not to know where I'm going (I hate that part!), but it's not OK for me to stop.
freya
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You know Freya I look at people at church and I think about who they are and what their faith is like. They seem to have devoted their whole lives to God. I see this one woman in particular and she comes across as really religious. Always praying and stuff like that. But then I think taht it seems contrived and maybe that' jsut me judging her because she has something that I don't. She seem so comfortable in her skin. Like she was born for it. I have never,ever, ever been comforatble with who I am. Maybe that is why I drank.
There is another person, a man, who sings in the choir and volunteers. Does he feel this way? Probably not. But I don't know him. I do admire him for what he coes for the church but why des he seem so comfortable in his skin? And how did he do it? Another guy, a friend, he beams, I mean literally beams with an inner strength and confidence that I can only feign. How did these people find themselves and their purpose that to me seems to come to them naturally.
I feel this armor on me. It comes off but oh so slowly. Learning to think and feel in this wonderland of sobriety is not easy for me. I just feel so distant from God and who I think He wants me to be. And maybe that is my problem. I'm stuck thinking about it rather than simply living it.
Thank you Freya. You are helping me to make sense of this.
There is another person, a man, who sings in the choir and volunteers. Does he feel this way? Probably not. But I don't know him. I do admire him for what he coes for the church but why des he seem so comfortable in his skin? And how did he do it? Another guy, a friend, he beams, I mean literally beams with an inner strength and confidence that I can only feign. How did these people find themselves and their purpose that to me seems to come to them naturally.
I feel this armor on me. It comes off but oh so slowly. Learning to think and feel in this wonderland of sobriety is not easy for me. I just feel so distant from God and who I think He wants me to be. And maybe that is my problem. I'm stuck thinking about it rather than simply living it.
Thank you Freya. You are helping me to make sense of this.
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I was thinking about your thread this afternoon and thought about this book I read right after my divorce, when my kids (both boys) were like, maybe 7 & 9. It's called Fire In The Belly: On Being a Man, by Sam Keen. I don't know if you've heard of him or not, but his background is in philosophy, theology and psychology, and this book is truly one of the most amazing that I've read in my life. Actually, your Merton quotation: "to be a saint means to be myself," reminded me of it because he has a favorite Kierkegaard quotation that goes something like: "Sin is living your life through someone else's eyes."
I'm not sure how much more I should say about it because it's hard to do it justice and I think the reading experience would be very different for a man than it was for me.....but I will say that his journey is just so inspiring and he is so open and honest about his experience and about his struggles with, I guess I would describe it as re-discovering the totality of his humanity and re-integrating that into himself and his life.
Anyway, the Merton quotation also speaks to me in relation to the life-in-death imagery. That's always been a very powerful and very scary image/metaphor for me -- I first recognized it in "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" -- I've talked about that before elsewhere on this board, but, basically, that life-in-death state is, to me, the scariest, the worst, the hardest to escape once one falls into it.....but it is possible to escape it and, for me, it happened without my even realizing it until after the fact...which, for me, is very often the way things happen when I just concentrate on doing my part and trusting HP to be in charge. Actually, I just wrote about this (my escape!) on a Step 2 thread, so here it is:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2063310
freya
I'm not sure how much more I should say about it because it's hard to do it justice and I think the reading experience would be very different for a man than it was for me.....but I will say that his journey is just so inspiring and he is so open and honest about his experience and about his struggles with, I guess I would describe it as re-discovering the totality of his humanity and re-integrating that into himself and his life.
Anyway, the Merton quotation also speaks to me in relation to the life-in-death imagery. That's always been a very powerful and very scary image/metaphor for me -- I first recognized it in "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" -- I've talked about that before elsewhere on this board, but, basically, that life-in-death state is, to me, the scariest, the worst, the hardest to escape once one falls into it.....but it is possible to escape it and, for me, it happened without my even realizing it until after the fact...which, for me, is very often the way things happen when I just concentrate on doing my part and trusting HP to be in charge. Actually, I just wrote about this (my escape!) on a Step 2 thread, so here it is:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2063310
freya
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Freya,
Thanks for the book reference, I'll look into it.
You talk of the life-in-death state. That's something I have never heard of before. But it does remind me of yet another quote by Merton.
"In order to become myself I must cease to be what I always thought I wanted to be, and in order to find myself I must go out of myself, and in order to live I have to die."
So in essence to me he is saying what we are, or thought we were, is just a lie perpetrated by the people of this world who would have us "be" a certain type of person. A person with various beliefs about what they are and who they are without the divine intuition with which they were born. I will call this person "Wraith." I also will assume that Wraith is an androgynous entity. Also please accept that I will use the word God with full understanding that there are those who prefer Higher Power or HP.
Tied to this world through its inherent stickiness, Wraith cannot be what God meant for it to be. Wraith has to come to an awakening through some means either tragic or despairing to find a linkage to God that was covered up and mired in the sticky world in which wraith was born. Only through this linkage will Wraith find what it truly is to be. So in order to live in the light that God intended for it all along Wraith must die to become something new. I will call this new entity "Phoenix."
Phoenix is everything that God intended for it to be. Unfettered by the sticky world Phoenix is free to fly. Phoenix is unafraid of anything and knows no shame or guilt. Because it does nothing to feel shameful or guilty about. Phoenix in perfect humility. Giving everything it does to God. Every thought, every deed, every gesture is for the glory of God. No selfishness, pure "selflessness." No glory goes to Phoenix as it is merely a vessel doing the things it does for something greater than itself.
I find myself as being in between Wraith and Phoenix. Though I know I will never achieve the level of Phoenix, I see that that is what I perhaps need to seek.
Perhaps the shedding of this armor is part of my transformation from Wraith to Phoenix.
Freya, I don't usually think this way. But I find that writing brings out something in me that spoken words do not. Thank you again for your insight.
Thanks for the book reference, I'll look into it.
You talk of the life-in-death state. That's something I have never heard of before. But it does remind me of yet another quote by Merton.
"In order to become myself I must cease to be what I always thought I wanted to be, and in order to find myself I must go out of myself, and in order to live I have to die."
So in essence to me he is saying what we are, or thought we were, is just a lie perpetrated by the people of this world who would have us "be" a certain type of person. A person with various beliefs about what they are and who they are without the divine intuition with which they were born. I will call this person "Wraith." I also will assume that Wraith is an androgynous entity. Also please accept that I will use the word God with full understanding that there are those who prefer Higher Power or HP.
Tied to this world through its inherent stickiness, Wraith cannot be what God meant for it to be. Wraith has to come to an awakening through some means either tragic or despairing to find a linkage to God that was covered up and mired in the sticky world in which wraith was born. Only through this linkage will Wraith find what it truly is to be. So in order to live in the light that God intended for it all along Wraith must die to become something new. I will call this new entity "Phoenix."
Phoenix is everything that God intended for it to be. Unfettered by the sticky world Phoenix is free to fly. Phoenix is unafraid of anything and knows no shame or guilt. Because it does nothing to feel shameful or guilty about. Phoenix in perfect humility. Giving everything it does to God. Every thought, every deed, every gesture is for the glory of God. No selfishness, pure "selflessness." No glory goes to Phoenix as it is merely a vessel doing the things it does for something greater than itself.
I find myself as being in between Wraith and Phoenix. Though I know I will never achieve the level of Phoenix, I see that that is what I perhaps need to seek.
Perhaps the shedding of this armor is part of my transformation from Wraith to Phoenix.
Freya, I don't usually think this way. But I find that writing brings out something in me that spoken words do not. Thank you again for your insight.
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Remember that when you are drunk people only remember your actions and reactions when you are sober people see you and only you. Keep me going people, God knows you guys do. 1 month and going strong. Thank you for the support, ideas and feedback.
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Ken, don't worry so much about trying to figure everything out, just take it a day at a time. Just stay sober and you will get more and more answers and will have a closer relationship with your higher power. It all takes time, it doesn't happen overnight...but its all worth it. These are the promises from Alcoholic Anonymous book: We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will cange. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves....
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Originally Posted by SerenityGirl 
Ken, don't worry so much about trying to figure everything out...
Originally Posted by SerenityGirl
These are the promises from Alcoholic Anonymous book: We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will cange. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves....
"We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away."
Perhaps that was meant to be as I would like to comment on them.
I am not an AA nor will I ever be one. I have profound respect for AA and I admire what Bill and Bob did to get it going. Their work has saved millions of people over the years and will continue to do so for many more to come. AA did get me going on my sobriety and I have read a lot of AA material including a biography of Bill's life. I've also seen the movie based on his life which I find inspiring. I have also attended online meetings.
The first line mentions losing interest in selfish things. I was not so much into selfish things other than self-pity. I would not like to discuss the reasons for that in my thread. I have already discussed them with a wonderful SR person who has helped me to understand and come to terms with that part of me. Granted, self-pity is a selfish thing but it did not stop me from helping others.
I believe that the term "fellows" means other alcoholics exclusively, at least in the AA context. I am helping other alcoholics on this site each day whether I am online or not. I carry that knowledge with me everywhere I go and I feel good about it.
The second line I will take out of context. In my new sobriety I am doing the exact opposite. I am seeking self, myself. I am seeking that which God meant for me to be, not the man I have identified myself to be. In AA terms, I am letting go and letting God. This is easier said than done as you can see in my thread.
I am on the right track and I feel good about it. People like you Serenity are helping me with that. I just want to be understood as an individual who is accountable to only one man and one God. From that I can project onto those around me the love that can only come from God. A love that is real and genuine. A love free of shaming and guilt. I may never reach that kind of love but I will keep trying.
Thanks again Serenity for all you are doing for the people who make up this "family olf addicts" at SR and beyond.
Ken
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