northbelle

It sure seems that is wht is going on with me..Ever since my ex got out of jail and has been in the treatment center, every time I see him I think about dope...he is beggin me for another chance and "says" he wants recovery. It is so hard for me ..he was the love of my life and probably always will be, but we have SUCH a using history that when i get around him I think about dope and get that sick feeling inside. We did heroin together for years and he was always the one that went and scored to get us "well"..I don't want to hurt him but this is just the way I feel..I don't know what to tell him..."you make me crave dope , please stay away??" I WISH we could be together clean but we have always ended up using together and I don't have many relapses in me. I am still trying to heal from a few brief relapses that really mess me up in my mind and physically too...Do you think that feeling will ever go away when I am around him??..I swear it feels like a monster is released inside me and my head has been really screwed up for days now.....We used together two weeks ago ..I have been messed up in my head since..Just trying to muscle through each day adn hoping it gets better...
Damn..thanx for letting me get this bit of reality out in the light of day

northbelle

Done_With_It

Ahh sweetie,

That sucks. Yea, I strongly believe people can be a trigger. Just like places can be.

You know your recovery is your #1 priority. Recovery is selfish, you really have to be
your first priority.
I think with recovery comes a whole lot of sacrifices that we have to make.

If you two were meant to be, he will be there when you are ready. Right now it sounds like you are not.

Hang Tough, and Take care of you girl.

Peter

Oh yes indeed.

Pick-a-name

Two weeks ago..........he is in rehab now.............I think it is natural for you to expect this concern (glad you do!) Really....that is not even about him,IMHO. You chose to use. (It would be nice if being around him "made" you "give in"; such an easy way to "explain" the behavior and then know how not to do it the next time. Sorry if that sounds callus, but I have heard this before and usually it has been an excuse: I "caused" it, the kids "made" him,etc.,etc. Take what you want and leave the rest! ). I understand that associating with other people who you know use,etc does increase the temptation and odds of relapse: I assume that is what you are asking. Just that instead of walking away instead to using yourself could have been a better option, if you really didn't want to use. Just a thought for the future.

You may very well BE better without this person in your life; of course, I have no idea either way. I do know that if you want to get and stay sober, there is a lot involved, including choosing to act in situations in a different way, that in the past has ended in you using.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Sounds like each of you need to concentrate on your own recovery......for much,much longer before even thinking about anything else. Chances are good nothing in your life (with or w/out him) will go well until you have worked on your own healing. JMHO The healthier you get, the more these questions seem to sort themselves out, I have found.

One day at a time............wishing you (and him) the best.

Buzz Kilowatt

Can A Person You Love Be A Trigger???

Let me ask you this . . . is the Pope Catholic?

Unfortunately, some of the people who are the most adept at playing our heartstrings are also the best at helping us to be miserable or self-destruct.

Love that causes harm to either party is not love, but pathology.

When given the choice, choose heath & wellness.

Buzz

Done_With_It

Buzz,

You are CLASSIC!!! :-)

Wise words as always!~

Madalaina

OMG, northbelle!

I know exactly what you are going through! I am going through the same thing, and you know what is sooo crazy to me? As I was reading your post, I'm saying to myself, she should leave him alone. But to apply that advice to my life seems a lil harder.

It's funny, I was talking to someone last night, and we were talking about how it is sooo much easier to point out where someone else is doing something wrong. And I'm asking myself "What am I doing that other people can see, but I don't?'' And then here it is right in front of my face this morning. In black and white... Literally!! LOL

Someone shared in a meeting last night that no matter what you are going through someone in these rooms have been through it!! Oh how true it is!!

Well my friend, I can honestly say that I know what you are going through!
And I am here for you, should you need anything!

Hugs,
Alissa

Hope

People can be a huge trigger. I didn't realize that for a long time and I had a guy in my life who really triggered me to use although I didn't see it at the time. That guy was my world for a while but with him in my life, I somehow ended up using again. So, when I realized that he was a trigger, I had to make a choice. Keep him in my life or keep using and die? That seems dramatic, but it is so, so true. It hurt me so much and broke my heart and he was hard to let go, but I had to make that choice to put my sobriety and my needs above my desire to keep him around. Besides, what good would it have ever done even if he stayed in my life if the end result was always my using and would one day be my ultimate destruction.

Oh, I definitely know it is not easy....and can be very painful, but I will tell you from first hand experience that the pain of letting someone go will heal but the pain and destruction from using lasts much longer and hurts so much more.

So when the choice is between sobriety and having to let someone go, sobriety is definitely the best way to go and the best way to love yourself.

Big hugs to you sweetie and please know that I am thinking of you!

Love,

Cheryl

northbelle

Thanx all..yeah Pick, you are right.If I didn't want to use I wouldn't let him come around. I guess the addiction just wins sometimes. I KNOW that outcome of hanging out with him. It has always been this way for ten years and maybe ..truth be told ..it is the main part of my "love"...or as buzz so eloquently puts it..pathology..doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Definitely nuts.
Seems I always turn to him when I am feeling particularly vulnerable..like really tired..stressed. I am not so great at self care and need to do better for MYSELF in that area.My low self esteem brings me down every time..Hell I don't just have issues...I have a whole subscription. Another day clean and sober ..it stays light here all night long now and it kind of messes with me a little bit getting used to it.
thanx guys. I felt alot better after reading your posts

northbelle