Txred

Im in my second day of recovery.I Feel physicaly better,but inside i am angry,dead,and altogether lost.My wife has written a couple of times on this board.Iknow how much she loves me. To have put up with my BS as long as she has.The thing is that i used her love against her in my addiction to get what i wanted when i was out there.There is more to say i just cant write anymore.I want to like me again. txred husband

Lisa1

Txred, I am glad that you came to share with us. You will find there is a lot of support here. You mentioned that your wife has visited us a couple of times. This is great! Yes thru our addiction we have hurt a lot of people, not just ourselves. But as we get the poisons out of our system we become more aware of things. We can't go back and change the things we have done or said but we can learn from them. Right now you are doing what is best for you, focus on that. Your wife apparently loves you, her visiting us and sharing shows that. I hope she continues to come here, and you as well. I would suggest that you both attend meetings, she will learn more about addiction this way. Its hard in the beginning, we all know this but it will get better. You take care of yourself, there is a lot of people and resorces out there to help you. Let us know how you are doing.

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Lisa1

txredhusband

Lisa1, Thanks for responding to my post.It has been a very ,long time since i have had more than 12 hours clean!I know i have a long road ahead of me.
I came up with a few ideas for extra curricular activities to go along with my meetings.With out something more to do to occupy my time i would go crazy with to much idle time,and be smoking crack again.ITS TIME THAT I BECOME THE FATHER,HUSBAND,AND FRIEND IM SUPPOSED TO BE.THANKS AGAIN FOR CARING ENOUGH WRITE.
TXREDHUSBAND

Lisa1

txred husband, just keep in touch with us. take it one day at a time and each new morning when you wake up you will have another day of being clean. thats great that you have things to keep you busy. keep it up, I believe if you really want to do this you can. You have the love and strength of others to help you.

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Lisa1

Julia

txred husband,

Thanks for responding to me. I know what you mean. I have experienced that many times. As soon as I start feeling better, I'm ready to go out and use again.

Right now I don't feel that way. I feel so desperate to get recovery, permanently.

I had one other experience with addiction twelve years ago. It only lasted six months, and was related to surgery I had. It scared the **** out of me. I never used drugs again for almost ten years. I didn't even know about n.a. If I had maybe I wouldn't have relapsed. This time around I know more, but it's been very hard to get out of this vicious cycle. I never thought it could happen to me. Although I was probably an "addict waiting to happen."

Addiction and alcoholism run in my family. I was very unhappy in my life at the time. I had a root canal and decided since it had been so long since I'd used anything, and I was in pain, that it wouldn't hurt to use the pain meds. I stopped being afraid of becoming addicted again.

I wish you the best in your recovery and will pray for you.

Julia

Jul

torn

txred,

Hello, I usually post on the nar-anon board but I often hop over and read this board to possible see what my husband is experiencing.

I just wanted you to know how great I feel to read your getting clean. I don't know any one on these boards but the emotions overflow when I hear good things. I truley am happy for you.

I am sure it is very hard for you and your wife but this si a greats tart to new beginnings.

My husband and I are in a constant battle and I keep trying to get him to start posting on this board. My first step in nar-anon is to not controll him any longer, so I guess I need to quit pushing him to come here. He tells me he has quit ("crank") but I have the hardest time beleiving him.

Anyway, I was writing to talk abuot you. I think by taking these first few steps your on your way. Your wife must love you dearly and I will keep you and her in my prayers!

Keep posting.

torn

txredhusband

Torn,Lisa1,and Julia
Good morning,
Well im back again with only 48 hrs.I feel
pretty stupid i had wrote to julia about what to watch for, and neglected to pay attention myself.I CANT KEEP THIS UP. Its tearing me up inside.The anger i feel now toward myself is affecting my family.This has got to be the last time.I should not even be allowed home because of what i have done,but through my wifes grace i have 1 more last time.I wish i could see what she sees in me.She tells i need to love myself again.Thats kind of hard now.I have went from an asset to a liability.This is far as i can write for now without crying.I will keep a close eye on the boards, maybe i will read something that will help.
thanks for being avaliable.
txredhusband

Pernell Johnson

husband, have you considered going into professional treatment? I know that people usually stop or seriously attempt to stop when they start losing things near and dear. You and your wife have something special. Don't wait to long. If in fact you want help, post your city and state and I will try to be helpful.


Jusy for Today-----I am Sober

Julia

Txred Husband:

I am sorry to hear about what happened. The main thing however is to pick yourself up and keep on going. You may end up losing everything that is dear to you. Many people do, and I hope and pray that you and I won't have to. I will be praying for you.

I am still feeling not so great, and have been having some using urges, just because I want to feel better. I get very frustrated when I feel sick. However I know that the relief would only last for a few hours, and would most likely trigger me to keep on going, and I'd be back where I am now only worse.

It is very difficult however, I have not had any energy, have felt naseous alot, stomach pains when I try to eat. I don't know if it is drug related or I have some kind of flu or bug.

Still I am alive, and have many things to be grateful for. I have heard the suggestion of write a gratitude list.

I'm still so new, I don't really have any words of wisdom or advice that will probably be very helpful, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Also it took courage to write about using again. For me that is one of the hardest things is to admit if I've relapsed.

God Bless You

Julia

Txred

Pernell,

My husband, Txredhusband, who has once again relapsed, asked me to find out if you know of any in-patient treatment centers in Texas. We live in the Temple area, but can travel if necessary. We have no insurance to cover any of the costs. Your help is greatly appreciated.

Pernell Johnson

Texred, you have to give me a city and state. I have the state Texas. Is Temple, a city in Texas? i don't see you on the map.

Txred

We are in Temple, Texas, which is between Austin and Waco on IH 35. Thank you for your help.

Pernell Johnson

Texred, I am in your corner and I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. The little that I can do to help I will do. Here is the name and address of several places close to you. See if this matches your situation without insurance, they have other assistance and it is in-patient.

Freeman Center
Dear Unit
1619 Washington Avenue
Waco, Texas 76701
254-753-3626

Centex Alcoholic Rehabilitation Center
2500 South General Bruce Dr.
Temple, Texas 76505
254-778-2286

Christian Farms Men Center
Route 3
Belton, Texas 76513
254-698-6697

Solide Inc.
Chilton, House
4006 Jackson Street
Chilton, Texas 76632
254-546-2753

DePaul Center
Adult Chemical Dependency Program
301 Londonderry Street
Waco, Texas 76712
254-776-5970


Good Luck--What you need to be is willing and open to the process.

Just for Today------I am Sober

Txred

Pernell,
Got a call a little while ago from my husband and he asked for numbers to locations. I haven't seen him since Monday around 5:15 p.m. and it's just driving me crazy with worry. I know I can't let him back home with the way it has been. The kids and I don't need to go through that again. He needs and wants help. Thank you.