Bookbuff

Hi all

Just a question please. If you find once your partner (now ex) had used cocaine, he swears it was just three times, he was feeling low, is that the truth or was that tip of the iceberg
When we met, I asked about drugs, he said he used to use cocaine, no longer did, had rent, alimony, gor sense etc

Looking back he was faint and sick a lot, no body weight, dental issues etc

Any insights please? Just trying to understand
B😔

Dee74

Hi Bookbuff

None of us know your ex here, but yeah I remember I would minimise the extent of my drinking and drug using if 'cornered'.
D

Bookbuff

Thanks Dee. Just a thought. Hard to know really, I suppose if I was cornered id lie too not to have the other person walk
B😓

CallMeJosh

I lied to those closest to me.. however, finding a place to trust your loved one is paramount. If you keep asking about their sobriety.. it may push them away.

Bookbuff

Hey Josh
thanks for the response. Just trying to figure out stuff in my head. Not sure I ever will know the truth though.
B

CallMeJosh

I’m still very early on in my recovery. I finally told my mom I was an addict an alcoholic a few days ago. She said she figured so and didn’t want to say anything because she k ew that the guilt of me knowing she knew would drive me further i to drinking and drugging.

everyone is different. Maybe it would be good for him. I don’t know.. this is a careful situation..

thequest

Minimizing and rationalizing is common. Addicts are or become excellent. actors through repeatedly lying, asking for favors or trying to hide their habit.

Did you say had issues with things like paying rent and/or felt sick? That sounds like more than an occasional user.

Since they are your ex it's best to move on and focus on your life.

Good Luck

trailmix

Perhaps telling the truth is always the better route. If he had been honest with you and respectful of you, you would then have had the information you needed to make a decision for yourself and decide if you wanted to proceed.

Him not telling you the truth took that away from you.

trailmix

You might find these papers interesting:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
-
"The first casualty of addiction, like that of war, is the truth. At first the addict merely denies the truth to himself. But as the addiction, slowly and progressively expands and invades more and more of the healthy tissue of his life and mind and world, the addict begins to deny the truth to others as well as to himself. He becomes a practiced and profligate liar in all matters related to the defense and preservation of his addiction, even though prior to the onset of his addictive illness, and often still in areas as yet untouched by the addiction, he may be scrupulously honest.

First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks".
-
Addiction, Lies and Relationships

AL48

I lied big time about my drinking and hid it as much as possible. Another lie was to myself as i knew there wasn't a hope anyone wouldn't notice how i spoke or carried myself. I lied to the doctor when i did have to visit. Never wanted to admit it to anyone i was drinking anything. Life was all about getting the drug in and not admitting it to anyone.

Bookbuff

Thank you for the insights everyone. I was interested to hear your responses on this. I think if you are not ready to give up something yourself, you will not do it for anyone else, also you will minimize the problem so loved ones do not confront you. Appreciate your time answering. B.

PineappleGirl78

Of course addicts lie. About everything. Their #1 goal is to protect their addiction. They unconsciously do it. It isn't them doing it on purpose necessarily but to avoid conflict.

Bookbuff

Hi Pineapple
Yes, some distance has given me more clarity on that, also looking back I see now signs I should have flagged but I trusted him so much.
Its a really sad way to lose a relationship😓
Hope you are doing okay yourself
B