Jimmy9212

How are you all dealing with cravings..? I have finally stopped and been sober a few weeks.. I told loved ones about my addiction.. I do NOT want to start using again. The longest I’ve been clean is three weeks and still had cravings.. staying positive and eating right.. saw a doctor and had blood work.. all good. I just want to be normal. Love you all.

Dee74

Hey Jimmy

I just kept my eyes on the prize..I really wanted to change, and that meant clean and sober.

It was hard cos nearly everything in my life was an excuse for me to get high and check out…but it got easier the more times I made the right choice.

I used this community too - a lot. No one needs to do this alone
D

Zencat

Jimmy I use recovery tools to understand what cravings mean to me and how to counter them. An engrossing distraction helps me stop the AV when it comes.

Jimmy9212

Thank you for the responses! Going to take these to heart.. today has been a bad day.. but I didn’t use or go get anything. This feeling of “I can’t do this sober” is persistent and constant. I hate. I do know I’m not going to use. That’s all I know for sure.

nez

Answer back by shouting out "Just watch me!"

Jimmy9212

This morning I woke up and my first thought was “I don’t have any pills!” But then I said to myself that I can do this.. and that pills daily just to be “normal” isn’t normal. I haven’t been sober this long before.. and clearly the wiring of my brain is still off. I know all this takes time and patience.. but as an addict it is all I can think about or obsess over..and it is annoying and grown way too old. I want sobriety and to handle life, without pills or alcohol. Thanks again for the kind words everyone..

biminiblue

Yep, I had a lot of days like that. The only way out is through it.

I figured it was Job #1 to just not pick up. That's it. If I put my head on the pillow sober, I'd gotten it Right.

Keepa go.

nez

That is brilliant and well put. I haven't been sober this long before either, but I am learning as I go.

When I started out on this planet, I was sober for 18 years before I succumbed to alcohol. I then spent 30 some years in varying degrees of drunkenness. I am now in my rebirth and have over 19 years, thus breaking my old record of 18 years Of course that 18 years doesn't really count as sobriety because it wasn't something I really chose, I was just alcohol/drug free.

This time around it was a choice I made. I have no regrets about my choice. I feel pretty confident that you will say the exact same thing given enough time alcohol/pill free. You can do this!

You can handle life without alcohol and pills and you will not regret your choice to do so. I don't know of anyone, and I mean anyone; who wishes they still had to rely on alcohol and pills to be "normal".

Jimmy9212

I sincerely hope so.. so far.. another day nearly down, and not using. I have found that I used mainly because I’m horrible with stress management and emotional issues. I am my mothers caregiver and when she is hurt or sick - I fall to pieces. Now that she is sick, and I’m sober - it is bittersweet. I find I cannot watch her in pain without becoming overly emotional and wanting to simply switch places. I’d do anything to make her happy, healthy, and smile. Not being able to take the pain is really difficult and seeing that she isn’t immortal has me fearful of losing her. This isn’t a new fear.. my dad left early in childhood.. we had to move half way across the US.. so losing friends and family is a big..trigger..? Having her as my anchor and constant - and now seeing I may lose her - is absolutely the worst thing. I picked going sober now. I wanted to be sober for her..for me.. and the emotions are higher.. but they aren’t masked or numbed - I have to address the real issue that I am eventually going to lose her. With her medical conditions - probably sooner than I want. Why am I getting into all of this? Because of this overwhelmingly increasing fear of losing her. I have always had it.. but more now.. all I want to do is use to “feel better” or drink and “not feel this impending doom” but I won’t. I know it won’t change anything.

I know normal people don’t wake up, take a handful of pills with tequila. It’s just not…normal.

Perhaps I’m using this as a diary or daily journal.. running my irrational fears and at times ridiculous thoughts by you all for you all to be an anchor and ground me.

Perhaps in my pursuit for normalcy I am finally forcing myself to address fears and emotions I have refused to acknowledge because I was quicker to pills and drinking.

Not anymore. The party is over. Time to do better, be better, and finally live life - not survive it. Thanks for reading and responding.

nez

I became my mother's caregiver when I was in early recovery. My mother's biggest fear was of dying alone in a hospital. I was able to move into her house and to keep her at home in order to see to it that her biggest fear did not happen. She passed away when I was 6 months sober, but I held her hand as she took her last breath, in her bed, in her house, her home. The months leading up to that were painful and hard, but we grew even tighter than we had ever been and we helped each other to grow, to learn, and to heal during the process.

If I had drank, my mother still would have died. My drinking wouldn't have stopped that from happening. But because I didn't drink, I could be there when she needed me the most. That never would have happened if I had been drinking, I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I would have had to drink myself into oblivion in an effort to escape the pain. Needless to say I can help no one if I am in oblivion to forget my pain. If I did manage to come out oblivion, the shame of not being there when I was most needed, would have been too much to bear and I would have to drink even more to try and forget that pain and shame. And on and on.

Throughout my life, my mother was always there for me. It was such a gift to be able to be there for her during those six months. it only happened because of sobriety.

This sounds like a real solid plan to me and one that will result in many gifts. The gifts will be all about the things that really matter and are important in this life. But don't take my word for it, do it and find out for yourself. I believe in you.

Jimmy9212

Thanks nez… I really needed to read this. Awhile back my mom asked why I was always away.. it hurt me so bad.. if this was the first time she said anything - how many times have I let her down and not been there!? I am so overwhelmed with guilt at what I could have done - how if I got sober sooner I could have spent so much more time and helped so much more.. that is a big part of my fear of losing her: not being able to make it up to her.. to some how apologize for not being there - to somehow make up for my absence because I chose drugs and alcohol over her.

the guilt hurts.. I feel so d#%ned guilty for not being there.. all those times I knew she was alone but still drank or got high because I was too immature to handle my stress and emotions.. I just feel so much guilt and want to make her life so much better and make up for so much.. so much time she spent alone that I could have been there.

Jimmy9212

I think the only thing I can do to stop feeling guilty is to simply tell her.. “mom I feel overwhelming guilt that I chose drugs and alcohol over you..and it’s eating me alive..”

I think that is the only thing I can do..she deserves the world and I feel that all I’ve given her is mediocre happiness and support. If that.

if anyone has any experience with this please let me know.. it makes sense that this is why I’m so fearful of losing her: because I feel as if I need to make up for the times I neglected her and chose drugs and alcohol over her. I feel so horrible.. how could I have done that? Ok.. gonna have a very small pity party, a nice little cry.. and go to sleep. Unless anyone has a better idea I’m going to be honest and tell her tomorrow.. I’m so incredibly fortunate and thankful I even have that chance. Love and peace to all of you.. without you I would not be at this point..genuinely, thank you.

nez

Jimmy whatever you do, don't let your past steal your present. Do the right things now. That will take care of the present. And by doing that, it will help assuage the pain, guilt, and shame of the past.

I have definitely been guilty of sitting on the pity pot in the past. I know that throne well. I have no time for it today, because me sitting on it doesn't help me or anyone else for that matter. It ruins my present. It dishonors the gift that the present is.

My basic mantra or plan: Stay in the present. Own my past. Do better today because of my past.

Jimmy9212

Pity party over. I will heed your mantra.. thank you for the words and support.

Dee74

I think the priority now needs to be on you and your recovery right now Jimmy.
As a general rule I think trying too hard to make too many amends right now might backfire on you if you feel really stressed?

There's time to re-build bridges
D

Jimmy9212

Thank you all.. staying sober.. pushing forward.. dealing with emotions I have pushed away and numbed for a long time..

nez

If doing so will make her feel better, then by all means do so. If the motive for doing so is that it will ease your guilt, then I probably wouldn't.

My loved ones heard lots of apologies and broken promises. I learned the best thing for me to do was to not tell people my plans, but to let them see the results. Actions speak far louder than words. Talk is cheap, anybody can do it. The best apology is changed behavior. Changing my behavior helped my loved ones and eased my guilt in the process. IMO, that is, as it should be. No "get out jail free" cards.

Accepting the consequences of my actions is the path to serenity. I never get there any other way. :~)

Jimmy9212

I have found myself missing the past.. specifically the “good times” when O was truly happy.. these good times are times when I was younger - and before I ever tried drugs or alcohol. I was supremely and incredibly happy then. I hope I can get back to being that way. I know it will take time and work.. I know that happiness is not found at the bottom of a pill or alcohol bottle.. but remembering those times and missing them.. it used to cause me to use and now I’m using it as fuel to “get back to being sober and happy” - again.. I know this will take time. Years even. I’m patient. I’m tired of missing happy times when I feel I could cultivate and bring those happy times about - and not just for me but those around me. I guess I’m mainly posting this to read in the future and remind myself that happiness comes from within.

Jimmy9212

I’m excited to be happy again.. doing hobbies now that I did before I did drugs.. nothing is fun. I’m simply surviving. I am eager to do things I used to do.. and enjoy them and have fun..and of course be sober.

Dee74

Awesome Jimmy…you’ll get there…keep moving forward

D