chimdemash

Hi all-my partner and I have been together 4 years. About 8 months into the relationship he told me he did cocaine. He said not often-but now I know it was fairly frequent-at least weekly. I regret getting into it with him-sometimes we’d see each other after not being together for weeks (long distance) and we would party all night. At first it was fun and infrequent. Then his brother went missing and died in an accident and he started using more and more. He tends to binge drink at the same time-case of beer and gram of coke to himself a night. He would go to work-sober up for two or three weeks for his shift, come home and meet the dealer by the airport. He started calling me names, got physical once or twice, and we’d fight constantly. I tried to quit using with him several times-sometimes it would work for months-sometimes I’d go right back to it. I fully enabled him and developed my own addiction issues-depression and anxiety. Realizing this I quit completely. He told me he did too-however last weekend at his place he kept sneaking off for lines. I saw a bag with about 6 grams in it and knew he had stocked up on his way home from work. I relapsed and did a couple with him-but not crazy. I woke up with huge guilt and sadness. Anxiety and depression for ten days after-I knew better!!!

Its hard to explain the dynamics of the relationship-but I care a lot about him-he’s really fun and can be very caring.

I only ever do coke with him-don't seek it out on my own. So I can go weeks off it. Regardless, I enabled his habit and created an addiction in myself to boot.

I let him know I didn’t want to do it anymore. That it was ruining my life to always worry about him too. I won’t relapse if I don’t see him. He took off and I haven’t heard from him for day-he called me the usual names before cutting me off.

I spent a few days going crazy with grief-but now just feel sad a bit, worried about him, and unsure of next steps.... advice?

Glad I found SR-have been seeking support for days.

Dee74

Hi and welcome chindermash

next steps...I dunno - only you can decide that.
Doesn't sound that great tho with him lying to you, disappearing and calling you names regularly.

It's tough to get clean when you share a addiction too.

Sounds like you deserve better to me?

D

chimdemash

Thank you! It’s been a week since I’ve heard from him. The decision is making itself. Since March he’s been using daily-I didn’t hear from him for most of April. He’s a workaholic and uses blow to keep himself going. Will work for days with little rest or food. Gets paranoid and angry easily. Has accused me of outright crazy stuff-like watching him with drones, or poisoning his cherry trees, or putting knives around his property to pierce his tires. He is high functioning but isolates himself.

I keep going through cycles of guilt, anger, fear, sadness, elation, then numb. I’m not sleeping well from the stress.

The more I think about it the more I understand it won’t work.

Dee74

I also want to let you know we have a Family and Friends section that you might want to check out as well

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...stance-abusers

chimdemash

Thanks! I’ve been reading forum post after forum post and realizing I’m not alone.

❤️