I need to Share
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
On day 5 for me. Feeling a little better physically. Not getting as much quality sleep.
One of the things I always feel when I come off and I'm not high is that my life has little meaning. I see people around me doing all these things, accomplishing stuff, doing good in the world etc. and I feel like my life is missing that. I'm also missing the social aspect of being in my early 20s. I have maybe one or two friends I once in a blue moon go do something with. But still single, and really my only interactions are at work. I only think about this stuff when I'm sober, because I'm trying to figure all this **** out and at almost 23 I'm trying to create the life I want. I know what I want, and I know staying sober and clean is necessary to achieve that.
I also have somewhat of a broken family. I lost two immediate family members back in 2013, and I have a strained relationship with my mother. My mom's boyfriend who she's been with for over ten years was like a step father to me, but our relationship became strained when I left the family business and we have spoken maybe only once since August of 2017 and it was a very forced Hello and see ya when we happened to come across each other. My real father left when I was a kid. I guess part of this stuff is why I have such an empty feeling in my life. I feel like so much stuff is missing.
One of the things I always feel when I come off and I'm not high is that my life has little meaning. I see people around me doing all these things, accomplishing stuff, doing good in the world etc. and I feel like my life is missing that. I'm also missing the social aspect of being in my early 20s. I have maybe one or two friends I once in a blue moon go do something with. But still single, and really my only interactions are at work. I only think about this stuff when I'm sober, because I'm trying to figure all this **** out and at almost 23 I'm trying to create the life I want. I know what I want, and I know staying sober and clean is necessary to achieve that.
I also have somewhat of a broken family. I lost two immediate family members back in 2013, and I have a strained relationship with my mother. My mom's boyfriend who she's been with for over ten years was like a step father to me, but our relationship became strained when I left the family business and we have spoken maybe only once since August of 2017 and it was a very forced Hello and see ya when we happened to come across each other. My real father left when I was a kid. I guess part of this stuff is why I have such an empty feeling in my life. I feel like so much stuff is missing.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
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Originally Posted by treeguy24 
I know what I want, and I know staying sober and clean is necessary to achieve that.
Get clean and if you can't resolve your personal life issues, seek therapy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
Just checking in. Been a while since I posted. Made it seventeen days off opiates, which is the longest I've been sober in so long. But this past week I relapsed. Been using for the past few days in a row. I'm not sure if I really can commit to not using at all, but I know for my own well-being I need to at least avoid using everyday so I don't become physically dependent again. Damage control I guess until I figure things out.
On the plus side I will say that things have improved during that brief period of sobriety. My performance at my job changed dramatically. My workouts improved. And yesterday I went to a public gym for the first time in my life and me and a buddy are gonna get memberships and start training together. I've got a gym at my house but it made for a nice change being in a bigger commercial gym, with different equipment and seeing everyone else trying to improve themselves too. I also got a tree job that I've been working on. So all in all things aren't one hundred percent on track because I'm using, but the seventeen days that I was sober was definitly a period of personal growth for me, however brief it was.
On the plus side I will say that things have improved during that brief period of sobriety. My performance at my job changed dramatically. My workouts improved. And yesterday I went to a public gym for the first time in my life and me and a buddy are gonna get memberships and start training together. I've got a gym at my house but it made for a nice change being in a bigger commercial gym, with different equipment and seeing everyone else trying to improve themselves too. I also got a tree job that I've been working on. So all in all things aren't one hundred percent on track because I'm using, but the seventeen days that I was sober was definitly a period of personal growth for me, however brief it was.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
treeguy-I appreciate your honesty. Good job on the healthy things you've been doing during your "brief" sobriety. Maybe try to recall how good that felt and use that as motive to embrace sobriety again. You can do it!
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
Wow. I remember writing these posts a year ago. I wish I could say I’m grateful to where I am today, and I am grateful for a lot of things, but I also have a longing to those days when I was using oxycodone.
I ended up getting on suboxone, been on it for quite a while now. I don’t consider myself clean while on it. I’m really just swapping one drug for another. It’s a conscious decision I’m making to still be taking a drug. I’m not ready to not use.
I didn’t stop using pills by choice. My supplier was shady, and I think he was trying to rip me off. There was a few suspect times where the money disappeared and I didn’t get my stuff. Eventually he started acting really weird, not like his normal self. I wouldn’t hear from him for weeks or longer.
So I cut off contact for my own safety. I still have the number and have been tempted to reach out, but I don’t want someone who is involved in that to be trying to scam me, come after me, etc. I try to fool myself into thinking that he and I will be good and I will get my stuff and everything will be all well and good. That he won’t try to rip me off or anything.
I’ve used alcohol a few times but other than that just the suboxone.
Again not by choice. If I had access to pills, and I have looked around, I’m sure I would probably use them.
On the the other hand I will say there have been noticeable improvements in my life. I have money saved, I’m working towards my goal of moving away, and just trying to work on things. Sometimes I have bad days. Anxiety, maybe depression. I try my best to deal with these issues and try and stay positive. I realize now the impact my using has had on my life. I’ve been using one thing or another for the last couple years almost daily. And in the last year and a half or so pretty much almost every day.
I’m still at that point where a part of me may want to get clean but the other part wants to use. I like how it makes me feel, I don’t want to let that go.
Tonight I’ve been teasing myself with a bottle of alcohol I keep stored in my drawer as a “just in case” measure. I don’t consider myself clean because I’m on the subs, so if I drink I’m not really throwing any sobriety away. But I know the door it could open. Alcohol isn’t my primary drug of choice it was just a second option if opiates weren’t around. But it is still a drug and could lead me down a dark road.
So all in all, I am grateful for the fact that I am in a better place today then I was a year ago. At the very least, I’m more aware of the affect my addiction has had on my life.
I haven’t committed to sobriety or anything, I’ve just been living life one day at a time.
I ended up getting on suboxone, been on it for quite a while now. I don’t consider myself clean while on it. I’m really just swapping one drug for another. It’s a conscious decision I’m making to still be taking a drug. I’m not ready to not use.
I didn’t stop using pills by choice. My supplier was shady, and I think he was trying to rip me off. There was a few suspect times where the money disappeared and I didn’t get my stuff. Eventually he started acting really weird, not like his normal self. I wouldn’t hear from him for weeks or longer.
So I cut off contact for my own safety. I still have the number and have been tempted to reach out, but I don’t want someone who is involved in that to be trying to scam me, come after me, etc. I try to fool myself into thinking that he and I will be good and I will get my stuff and everything will be all well and good. That he won’t try to rip me off or anything.
I’ve used alcohol a few times but other than that just the suboxone.
Again not by choice. If I had access to pills, and I have looked around, I’m sure I would probably use them.
On the the other hand I will say there have been noticeable improvements in my life. I have money saved, I’m working towards my goal of moving away, and just trying to work on things. Sometimes I have bad days. Anxiety, maybe depression. I try my best to deal with these issues and try and stay positive. I realize now the impact my using has had on my life. I’ve been using one thing or another for the last couple years almost daily. And in the last year and a half or so pretty much almost every day.
I’m still at that point where a part of me may want to get clean but the other part wants to use. I like how it makes me feel, I don’t want to let that go.
Tonight I’ve been teasing myself with a bottle of alcohol I keep stored in my drawer as a “just in case” measure. I don’t consider myself clean because I’m on the subs, so if I drink I’m not really throwing any sobriety away. But I know the door it could open. Alcohol isn’t my primary drug of choice it was just a second option if opiates weren’t around. But it is still a drug and could lead me down a dark road.
So all in all, I am grateful for the fact that I am in a better place today then I was a year ago. At the very least, I’m more aware of the affect my addiction has had on my life.
I haven’t committed to sobriety or anything, I’ve just been living life one day at a time.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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I'm glad things are better but I really hope you'll make the choice to throw yourself wholly into recovery sooner or later treeguy - I don't think any of us have unlimited chances with our lives.
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