I need to Share
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
I need to Share
I'm not one to talk about myself or my experiences because I don't want to make things about me or feel like I'm crying wolf over what I've gone through. Never have been that type of person. But I feel I just need to share.
Long story short, used to use opiate pain pills in high school, supply ran out, discovered alcohol in college and had a problem with that for about a year, then got sober for almost 2.5 years, then started drinking again in December of 2016. Got sober for almost 2 months at the end of July 2017, then started drinking again literally the day before it would have been 2 months. Fast forward about a month and pills are around so I give up alcohol and dive right back into it. No thought of moderation whatsoever.
Well this past week I wasn't able to get my fix and was forced to go cold turkey for almost three days before I got any. Some uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms but could've been much worse. Anyways, I got more of my supply but the Oxycodone 30 pills didn't look the same as what I'm used to, so it made me suspect of them. Didn't take any and now I am on day 4.
I still feel kind of tired and achey and sleep has been hard to come by but I feel more clear headed today and my mind is reflecting on the past few months. Just thinking about some of the things I've done makes me cringe. In the last few weeks I was trying to sell some of my stuff so I could have money to pay for my habit, workout equipment, chainsaws which I use for work, etc. Now that I've been clean for 3 days I'm looking back at that and saying, "how did this happen?" I remember driving out to grab my fix at night some times feeling like **** with the only thought in my head that I will feel better in a half hour. My whole life had become about making sure I would have a fix. Everything I did revolved around being able to supply myself with the required pills each day. I blew through all my money, forgot about my business, started making up excuses to borrow money from family, pawned off items...
Anyways, I guess I don't know what direction I'm gonna head in now. I haven't exactly committed to sobriety but at the same time looking at the past few weeks with a sober mind I can't believe I've been living this way. But if I do commit to sobriety something has to be different. I've had these "moments of clarity" before where I get motivated and I get sober but then I fall off again. What will be different this time?
Long story short, used to use opiate pain pills in high school, supply ran out, discovered alcohol in college and had a problem with that for about a year, then got sober for almost 2.5 years, then started drinking again in December of 2016. Got sober for almost 2 months at the end of July 2017, then started drinking again literally the day before it would have been 2 months. Fast forward about a month and pills are around so I give up alcohol and dive right back into it. No thought of moderation whatsoever.
Well this past week I wasn't able to get my fix and was forced to go cold turkey for almost three days before I got any. Some uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms but could've been much worse. Anyways, I got more of my supply but the Oxycodone 30 pills didn't look the same as what I'm used to, so it made me suspect of them. Didn't take any and now I am on day 4.
I still feel kind of tired and achey and sleep has been hard to come by but I feel more clear headed today and my mind is reflecting on the past few months. Just thinking about some of the things I've done makes me cringe. In the last few weeks I was trying to sell some of my stuff so I could have money to pay for my habit, workout equipment, chainsaws which I use for work, etc. Now that I've been clean for 3 days I'm looking back at that and saying, "how did this happen?" I remember driving out to grab my fix at night some times feeling like **** with the only thought in my head that I will feel better in a half hour. My whole life had become about making sure I would have a fix. Everything I did revolved around being able to supply myself with the required pills each day. I blew through all my money, forgot about my business, started making up excuses to borrow money from family, pawned off items...
Anyways, I guess I don't know what direction I'm gonna head in now. I haven't exactly committed to sobriety but at the same time looking at the past few weeks with a sober mind I can't believe I've been living this way. But if I do commit to sobriety something has to be different. I've had these "moments of clarity" before where I get motivated and I get sober but then I fall off again. What will be different this time?
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
What will be different this time? That’s up to you. I’d start by flushing the “suspect” pills if you haven’t already.
Detox and withdrawal is just the beginning. Admitting that you’re an addict and that you need help to stop is another great start. Owning and committing to getting clean is another. Having a sobriety plan and sticking to it is crucial.
In the past it sounds like you have regretted your addictions and decided to stop. How’s that working out for you?
Different substances have varied challenges, but the process for remaking free of addiction is far more similar than different. You have a whole site full of experiences and ways people have stopped. If you are serious, start reading and planning. Then take action.
Detox and withdrawal is just the beginning. Admitting that you’re an addict and that you need help to stop is another great start. Owning and committing to getting clean is another. Having a sobriety plan and sticking to it is crucial.
In the past it sounds like you have regretted your addictions and decided to stop. How’s that working out for you?
Different substances have varied challenges, but the process for remaking free of addiction is far more similar than different. You have a whole site full of experiences and ways people have stopped. If you are serious, start reading and planning. Then take action.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
You sound like a very smart person. Consider that what we all really seek is a sense of control in life to specific circumstances. What we really seek is not a drink, a drug, porn or a bet, but a sense of empowerment, in the face of feeling helpless and powerless. Personally, I find that if I replace the quick fix or mood changer of drugs with some other healthy, "High value," behavior the addictive need is gone. I have regained control. The hard part is finding or developing a high value behavior.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
Thank you for the replies everyone. I haven't stopped using completely but I've stopped everyday use. I'm also focusing more on the things that are important to me like my fitness, work, etc. I'm also trying to outline my goals for the future, being only in my early 20s. One of which is move to another location, preferably somewhere warmer lol. Gonna keep my goals close to me and not lose sight of what is really important.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
Originally Posted by TheDude8D 
Flushed my entire stash this morning at 6AM, I mean I did cry beside my toilet because that was my happiness, but an hour later I'd never felt more liberated! It's always something to consider!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
Reading one of my last posts just makes me realize how ignorant I am being. Saying that I haven't stopped using completely but am not using every other day, like I am justifying using at all???
Still struggling with the battle of being sober / not being sober. I know the pros of being sober and I know what I have to lose by not being sober.
What is your guys' take on honesty and telling others about your addiction? Is it better to just keep it to yourself or does letting people know about it make dealing with it easier?
Still struggling with the battle of being sober / not being sober. I know the pros of being sober and I know what I have to lose by not being sober.
What is your guys' take on honesty and telling others about your addiction? Is it better to just keep it to yourself or does letting people know about it make dealing with it easier?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by treeguy24
What is your guys' take on honesty and telling others about your addiction? Is it better to just keep it to yourself or does letting people know about it make dealing with it easier?
almost 3 weeks clean now, it's calling my name even as i post
that's why i logged on
=^,^=
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
Originally Posted by NOWisNOW
...my experience had been addiction thrives in my secrecy ultimately leading to physical isolation where it can call the shots
almost 3 weeks clean now, it's calling my name even as i post
that's why i logged on
=^,^=
almost 3 weeks clean now, it's calling my name even as i post
that's why i logged on
=^,^=
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 40
Tell anyone if it KEEPS YOU SOBER
This is your life, babe...only you can save it.
Obviously, controlled using don't work for you. Don't feel bad, I tried it hundreds of times and never got sober.
But you know what DID happen?
I got a LOT older...and my addiction got a LOT worse.
It really did, but thank God I was able to finally arrest it. But baby, it got bad.
And I don't know you, but I don't wish that on you.
Best of choices, as this site is an awesome tool!
Dig it,
Dirk
Obviously, controlled using don't work for you. Don't feel bad, I tried it hundreds of times and never got sober.
But you know what DID happen?
I got a LOT older...and my addiction got a LOT worse.
It really did, but thank God I was able to finally arrest it. But baby, it got bad.
And I don't know you, but I don't wish that on you.
Best of choices, as this site is an awesome tool!
Dig it,
Dirk
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by treeguy24
Reading one of my last posts just makes me realize how ignorant I am being. Saying that I haven't stopped using completely but am not using every other day, like I am justifying using at all???
What is your guys' take on honesty and telling others about your addiction? Is it better to just keep it to yourself or does letting people know about it make dealing with it easier?
What is your guys' take on honesty and telling others about your addiction? Is it better to just keep it to yourself or does letting people know about it make dealing with it easier?
as for this question:
like I am justifying using at all???
you already know the answer.
telling others doesnt make recovery any easier. although keeping it to myself wasnt going to help.
HOWEVER, who i talked to about it was important. telling and talking to people that had been in my shoes was my best decision.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 79
Sounds like a lot of self-will here.
Speaking from my experience, my sobriety is the #1 most important thing to me. All other goals are secondary. I can tell you that when I was using, any goals I did have never came to fruition because of my using.
That doesn't matter much anyway, because in my active addiction there were many things that I thought I wanted, goals that I thought I wanted to achieve, and through sobriety I've come to get to know myself, and my wants and goals look completely different today.
While I was using I thought a new job, a new relationship, moving to another city would make me happy. I just brought myself and my addiction with me, and I was miserable once again.
You're so young, and I'm young too. Why not get sober now and be able to really enjoy your youth and all life has to offer?
Sobriety is amazing and today I'm so happy. So damn happy. I didn't even have to get a new job, a new relationship, or move! I just had to get sober and fix me!
Originally Posted by treeguy24
I'm also focusing more on the things that are important to me like my fitness, work, etc. I'm also trying to outline my goals for the future, being only in my early 20s. One of which is move to another location, preferably somewhere warmer lol. Gonna keep my goals close to me and not lose sight of what is really important.
That doesn't matter much anyway, because in my active addiction there were many things that I thought I wanted, goals that I thought I wanted to achieve, and through sobriety I've come to get to know myself, and my wants and goals look completely different today.
While I was using I thought a new job, a new relationship, moving to another city would make me happy. I just brought myself and my addiction with me, and I was miserable once again.
You're so young, and I'm young too. Why not get sober now and be able to really enjoy your youth and all life has to offer?
Sobriety is amazing and today I'm so happy. So damn happy. I didn't even have to get a new job, a new relationship, or move! I just had to get sober and fix me!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 12
I have felt all of this. You aren't alone at all. So many people have gone through similar situations.
What it different this time?
Well recovery can begin once you have a perception change. And it sounds like you are having one. Right now you are able to think rationally and see your actions rationally and that is super great. Don't get hard on yourself for the past but remember how much you couldn't control yourself.
You are at a tipping point right now. You can either continue to listen to rational thoughts, and make the right choices when you need to. Or you could go back into it. I will tell you though, the first time I realised I couldn't control myself and that I was doing things that I never thought I would do in a million years...I didn't pause for long. I didn't seek advice, I didn't tell anyone what I was going through. So, you are doing awesome so far. You have reached out to people. You have admitted to yourself and to people, that you are acting differently than you would like.
Keep talking, don't bottle any of it up. Keep asking for help and advice. You are at a great place right now. You can choose continue to ask for help, or you can choose to go back to what you have been doing. But I will tell you that I chose to do nothing and I lost many years of my life to addiction. About 10 years. You don't have to do that. You have a choice as long as you can tell yourself, no not right now.
If you do nothing, it will get worse. You will lose your business, you will sell your tools, you will borrow money from your family until they don't trust you anymore. You will lose so much. And you don't have to.
You are not alone in this at all.
What it different this time?
Well recovery can begin once you have a perception change. And it sounds like you are having one. Right now you are able to think rationally and see your actions rationally and that is super great. Don't get hard on yourself for the past but remember how much you couldn't control yourself.
You are at a tipping point right now. You can either continue to listen to rational thoughts, and make the right choices when you need to. Or you could go back into it. I will tell you though, the first time I realised I couldn't control myself and that I was doing things that I never thought I would do in a million years...I didn't pause for long. I didn't seek advice, I didn't tell anyone what I was going through. So, you are doing awesome so far. You have reached out to people. You have admitted to yourself and to people, that you are acting differently than you would like.
Keep talking, don't bottle any of it up. Keep asking for help and advice. You are at a great place right now. You can choose continue to ask for help, or you can choose to go back to what you have been doing. But I will tell you that I chose to do nothing and I lost many years of my life to addiction. About 10 years. You don't have to do that. You have a choice as long as you can tell yourself, no not right now.
If you do nothing, it will get worse. You will lose your business, you will sell your tools, you will borrow money from your family until they don't trust you anymore. You will lose so much. And you don't have to.
You are not alone in this at all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
Still using pretty much everyday unless I run out of supply. I don't have health insurance so if I do Suboxone I'll have to pay out of pocket. I may start contacting different doctors near me and see if I can find one that does Suboxone treatment.
It's frustrating. I don't talk about it that much because I've always been one to not bitch and complain about myself when I know there are others that are going through tough things, but it's a real struggle.
See a part of me wants to be clean but I enjoy it too much even though I know it's doing more harm than good. And there's no such thing as moderation no matter how much I try, it's usually either all or nothing.
My mother works in pharmacy and I've thought about asking her if she has any contacts for doctors but none of my family know about my addiction and I rather keep it that way. They know I've had problems over the years but not currently. I still have a great job, I workout, I stay active so it's easy to hide. Anyways, just venting. As much as I don't like talking about myself I think once in a while it does some good.
I'm thinking once the warmer weather starts rolling in and we have more sunny days I may start to feel better. I hate the cold weather, rain and snow. One of the reasons I've thought about moving out west. I would need to get clean to do that though and save money.
It's frustrating. I don't talk about it that much because I've always been one to not bitch and complain about myself when I know there are others that are going through tough things, but it's a real struggle.
See a part of me wants to be clean but I enjoy it too much even though I know it's doing more harm than good. And there's no such thing as moderation no matter how much I try, it's usually either all or nothing.
My mother works in pharmacy and I've thought about asking her if she has any contacts for doctors but none of my family know about my addiction and I rather keep it that way. They know I've had problems over the years but not currently. I still have a great job, I workout, I stay active so it's easy to hide. Anyways, just venting. As much as I don't like talking about myself I think once in a while it does some good.
I'm thinking once the warmer weather starts rolling in and we have more sunny days I may start to feel better. I hate the cold weather, rain and snow. One of the reasons I've thought about moving out west. I would need to get clean to do that though and save money.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
Just found out that if I do the original program I was looking at, I can get a pay card from pharmacy that is for people that don't have insurance and the prescription would be very affordable for me. Told them I'm gonna call back tomorrow with a decision about making an appointment. Just felt like sharing the news, it's some good news.
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