ragtime2

Hi - I am new and have a very long story - I wont go into all of it but just need some clarification - at what point is my husband classed as an addict instead of a user ?

He has always drank almost every night of the week

But now cocaine has been added - The timeline appears to be that he was using now and then - that turned into every weekend - and then it appears to be 4 or 5 times a week along with xanax

In addition over the last 6 months he has also been using roxies - adderall - oxycodone ....

In the last 6 months he has changed completely - so I am thinking he is now addicted ??

teatreeoil007

Sure sounds like an addict to me. I'm so sorry you are faced with this. Have you considered going to NarcAnon or Alanon? You need good support right now. You've got us here at SR.

ragtime2

thank you

We have been married for 24 years - we were everything to each other until 6 months ago. It has been rough - 6 weeks ago he fell asleep on the sofa again ! I went to wake him up and found his phone had a new text message from another woman - I confronted him and he walked out on me - I found out about the drugs afterwards

I am trying to piece things together in my head - I am devastated and trying to understand what has happened to him - i dont know him any more - he isnt the man I married !

But I want him back so bad !

teatreeoil007

Again, so sorry you're going through this! He's a poly-substance abuser...meaning more than one substance. This is actually not that uncommon for addicts. He walked out. Do you know where he went? He needs help, but this is not always an easy thing for them to do or accept. Pride is involved sometimes. But in many cases they just don't want to give up their drugs of choice as they've been depending on those substances in their daily lives as it's what they know to cope with. Check out the Friends and Family forum here. Those folks really know their stuff and have been through it. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Big hug!

ragtime2

he is with the woman that I caught him texting I assume! Who happens to be his friends sister - I guess they are all doing it together. So its even harder to get to him

I dont know where to start !

teatreeoil007

I don't rightly know where to start either....so you're probably going to have to start with yourself. You didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it and you cannot cure it. So, it really boils down to doing what you can to take the best care of you and you should protect your finances the best you can as drugs don't come cheap in most cases. It really IS sad when we don't hardly recognize the person we knew years ago....so sad. Here's another big hug for you and you are in my prayers.

ragtime2

is there a chance he will change ? come home ?
i want him back badly

Maudcat

Hi, ragtime.
Welcome.
He may return. Who can say?
Saying this gently: what if he comes back after having been with another woman ( possible sexually transmitted disease, especially if she is an addict), still using, still spending horrendous amounts of money on drugs?
What then?
Deep breath. Try to get some sleep.
Take care.

Rainwater123

Hello ragtime2, just wanted to see if anything has changed recently. You are not the cause of his behavior, so please know that he has a disease that so many of us have. He has to come to the conclusion that it’s time to quit. He has to fix himself first, then he will be ready if you want him back still. It’s one of the toughest battles a human being can face. He will not be able to do it alone. As bad as things are now he will need you more than ever to get clean and more importantly, stay clean. So the time will come when he wants to come back and then it will be your decision to decide what is best for you. You are an incredibly strong and good person to bring yourself through this. So I wish you well and hope that he will be able to get clean.

NClarke2017

Your husband has changed. You must think of the addict as a completely different person than the man you married.

Allow yourself to mourn the loss of your husband. It is totally normal to grieve.

However, you need to think of yourself. Pick the pieces back up and put yourself together. He has been lying to you about his usage and his affair.

You cannot just cure an addict out of sheer will. He must be willing to work on himself and his problems himself, and go to drug rehab or support group to recover.

Apologize if my words seem harsh.. I hope you find the strength to do what is right for you.. Best of luck and please post here if you ever need help or someone to talk to. Sending you love and hugs.

ragtime2

thank you everyone - it has been a tough few days - he has served me with divorce papers.

Over the weekend we had a family wedding - and things got very emotional - although he wasnt there he asked for pictures etc - which I sent him. He then told someone else he had cried himself to sleep - and a few text messages I got from him seemed like he had softened some - I told him he was missed at the wedding and he said he was so sorry and put a crying face that type of thing.

Yesterday we tried to talk on the phone about the divorce papers and he started yelling and shouting - mr angry ! and super aggressive. It is like 2 different people - is this normal behavior for a user / addict ?

I still want him back dearly - but I accept I need to let him go for now - I will continue to try and understand what is happening to him in the hope that when he is ready to return ( and the other woman kicks him to the curb ) - I am in a better position with information about his condition.

I have been reading the forum every day trying to get a handle on this - and I will ask some more questions if thats ok to try to get my head around it.

Does anyone know if this almost bi polar personality is normal for a user ??

Maudcat

Hi, ragtime.
I don’t have a lot of experience with cocaine and oxy use, as alcohol was my doc.
But, yes, with those drugs roiling around in his system, he is likely a hot emotional mess.
You sound better, calmer.
Good luck.
Here when you need us.

tbeit

I have experience with all these drugs and have 1 thing to say. Protect yourself financially . I hope youre being protected legally. I'm the addict in the relationship with my wife and I could have destroyed her financially. So happy I didnt but at the time I was super angry ( no good reason) and it would not have mattered if I did.
Sometimes we do recover sometimes we dont. You need to be strong for you and your family.

Good luck to everyone involved

MindfulMan

Addict/alcoholic, something I'm deeply familiar with. Probably to a variety of the substances he's using.

I go to both AA and CA meetings. Most of the people at the CA meetings were garbage heads, anything would do. I relate to that, but booze was always what got me.

It really doesn't matter what you call it. When I use the term "addict," I include alcohol and behavioral addictions like gambling or sex. Addiction is addiction, and it's progressive, often including adding other substances.

ragtime2

tbiet - what was your turning point ?? what made you see what you were doing ??