What is wrong with me?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 5
What is wrong with me?
Hello everyone,
I am new to posting here, but have been reading threads on and off for a long time. I'll probably ramble for awhile but I guess I'll start at the beginning, started out doing prescription pain killers (not my own of course..) on the weekends, then started doing stronger ones, then everyday, as much as I could. Eventually I moved onto heroin. I've done horrible, terrible things to get drugs and money. Didn't matter who I hurt. Eventually I lost my home, my job, my child, my life. Everything. I've lost it all because I am an idiot. I risked going to jail trying to do my drugs around my drug tests when I got in some trouble. Lucky I didn't go back to jail. I really don't know what is wrong with me. You'd think all this stuff would be enough to make me stop but it isn't, I lose my daughter and what do I do, go do more drugs. Good mom right? It's like I don't even try. I have no willpower, it's the first thing I think of when I get up and all I care about doing. I don't know what to do. I have no car to get to any meetings, nor the balls to go alone. My family could care less about me, they all know about my issues.. I am pretty much cut out for the most part, black sheep. Not supportive at all... I do have an appointment on Friday at a rehab type place I guess. I cancelled my last one because you guessed it, I did drugs instead. My dealer actually stopped making it harder for me to get them which is good... Except I'm dumb and now deal with shady people. Will I ever learn or am I going to die first?
Sorry, I knew I would start rambling.. Thanks if you've read this far! I just don't know what to do anymore...
I am new to posting here, but have been reading threads on and off for a long time. I'll probably ramble for awhile but I guess I'll start at the beginning, started out doing prescription pain killers (not my own of course..) on the weekends, then started doing stronger ones, then everyday, as much as I could. Eventually I moved onto heroin. I've done horrible, terrible things to get drugs and money. Didn't matter who I hurt. Eventually I lost my home, my job, my child, my life. Everything. I've lost it all because I am an idiot. I risked going to jail trying to do my drugs around my drug tests when I got in some trouble. Lucky I didn't go back to jail. I really don't know what is wrong with me. You'd think all this stuff would be enough to make me stop but it isn't, I lose my daughter and what do I do, go do more drugs. Good mom right? It's like I don't even try. I have no willpower, it's the first thing I think of when I get up and all I care about doing. I don't know what to do. I have no car to get to any meetings, nor the balls to go alone. My family could care less about me, they all know about my issues.. I am pretty much cut out for the most part, black sheep. Not supportive at all... I do have an appointment on Friday at a rehab type place I guess. I cancelled my last one because you guessed it, I did drugs instead. My dealer actually stopped making it harder for me to get them which is good... Except I'm dumb and now deal with shady people. Will I ever learn or am I going to die first?
Sorry, I knew I would start rambling.. Thanks if you've read this far! I just don't know what to do anymore...
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: NYC area
Posts: 856
Hi, I know there are online meetings. My son did one when we had a snowstorm. There are also 800#s where people will talk to you one on one. I'm sorry, I don't have links. But you sounded so down I wanted to get a response to you quickly so you'd know someone does care.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
Hello, I know exactly how you feel. There is a way out of this. Truly. You have the desire. Contact the NA helpline, someone can even come pick you up for meetings. Can we instant message? I can offer some support. I am here for you. I also have a daughter, and an opiate addict. I have been in recovery now for a bit, and live in china. I made it work!!! If its bad enough you can quit. first things first. detox. Go to that rehab place. you can get all this back and more if you start from the basics, have to quit the drugs. I couldn't quit on my own. I had to have help.
Please keep posting.
Please keep posting.
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
Whatever area you are in you can find an NA website and a number to call to get a ride to a meeting. Once there you meet other (Women) addicts, get their numbers and get rides. - I got rides to meetings for the first couple of years of my recovery.
That excuse won't work well. I know I did whatever it took to get drugs. The difference is, the NA members with some recovery actually want to help you out. It's not the same as manipulating the "next one".
If you can get into the rehab, go do that. Then hit meetings as soon as you get out. I went every day (sometimes twice a day) for a good long time.
Nothing you posted is unusual. I turned into a person I didn't want to be. I abandoned my children and did terrible things. If I didn't do something, I have friends with long term recovery that did. (And I mean anything you did or can imagine).
We aren't defined by our past. What we do now is what matters. It took me a long time to really figure that out and believe it. The voice in my head that tells me what a terrible person I am has a volume knob now. I can tell it to shut up.
Give yourself a break. Don't use, get help, and get to a meeting. Life is very good on the other side. I don't have to worry about getting dopesick, I can look in the mirror, and I can sleep at night. Recovery is good, and it is just as available to you as it is to me.
That excuse won't work well. I know I did whatever it took to get drugs. The difference is, the NA members with some recovery actually want to help you out. It's not the same as manipulating the "next one".
If you can get into the rehab, go do that. Then hit meetings as soon as you get out. I went every day (sometimes twice a day) for a good long time.
Nothing you posted is unusual. I turned into a person I didn't want to be. I abandoned my children and did terrible things. If I didn't do something, I have friends with long term recovery that did. (And I mean anything you did or can imagine).
We aren't defined by our past. What we do now is what matters. It took me a long time to really figure that out and believe it. The voice in my head that tells me what a terrible person I am has a volume knob now. I can tell it to shut up.
Give yourself a break. Don't use, get help, and get to a meeting. Life is very good on the other side. I don't have to worry about getting dopesick, I can look in the mirror, and I can sleep at night. Recovery is good, and it is just as available to you as it is to me.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Chicago
Posts: 34
Glad you have been reading things here and finally decided to tell your story. Detox is your first step. Heroin is a tough one to break. It scared the hell out of me. I knew I was WAY out of control and destroyed my life and almost lost everything. It still was not enough to give me the courage to try and stop.
You are in a dark place right now. It will be next to impossible to get out of that on your own. Please do whatever it takes to get into rehab. Then post here. Find online NA meetings. Call the help lines. Be honest with yourself. Break off all contacts with anyone that is associated with you getting/doing drugs.
I will pray for your feet to find their way on the path of recovery. Please let us know how you are doing. I look forward to seeing you post that you have been clean for 7 days. Even if you post that you are on day one again after 7 attempts, we will still be here for you. Don't give up. One day at a time!
You are in a dark place right now. It will be next to impossible to get out of that on your own. Please do whatever it takes to get into rehab. Then post here. Find online NA meetings. Call the help lines. Be honest with yourself. Break off all contacts with anyone that is associated with you getting/doing drugs.
I will pray for your feet to find their way on the path of recovery. Please let us know how you are doing. I look forward to seeing you post that you have been clean for 7 days. Even if you post that you are on day one again after 7 attempts, we will still be here for you. Don't give up. One day at a time!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 5
Thank you everyone for your support!
I haven't been clean one day since I posted, pathetic.
I really don't think I can do this alone, haven't been able to yet. My appointment is in the morning, going to try and stay clean for the whole day! Yet I've been saying that and here I am doing what I have to to get anything as soon as I wake up.
I can't live like this anymore, but I'm scared. I don't even remember a life before... What is normal?
I haven't been clean one day since I posted, pathetic.
I really don't think I can do this alone, haven't been able to yet. My appointment is in the morning, going to try and stay clean for the whole day! Yet I've been saying that and here I am doing what I have to to get anything as soon as I wake up.
I can't live like this anymore, but I'm scared. I don't even remember a life before... What is normal?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Thailand
Posts: 824
Welcome and fair play for posting & being honest - when I was still actively addicted to heroin I would just disappear off here and go on the missing list for a month or 2 as I began a new cycle of insanity.
Sounds like you are in the wars at the minute. How much heroin are you using a day right now?
Sounds like you are in the wars at the minute. How much heroin are you using a day right now?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Hello, agirlhasnoname! Love your user name..... it's my favorite show!
You sound pretty much the way I felt when I was fed up and discusted with my life as an addict. You are right it does get old and it isn't fun anymore. It becomes a huge chore making sure you have enough drug so you can get thru the next day. We are living life......day by day doing embarrassing and unthinkable things just to make sure we got our drug so we don't have to be sick. It's a horrible way to live. We become a slave to our doc. Our self esteem is in the toilet.
Just wanted you to know that I get it and have been there where you are. The frustration of not being able to remain clean....the failed attempts....the great intentions that only lasted a few minutes. The horrible feeling of failure...and the self-loathing. All of It! Been there done that...as I'm sure we all have on the addict side of this board.
And people are right, you can not do it alone. None of us have! But now you are not alone anymore. You have us...here on this board. We are here with you. If you can grab hold of us and this site.....and when the craving hits......as I'm sure it will....tell it to go to hell! You are in recovery now! Spend every waking moment reading this board ...go into our chatroom. There is always someone in there. If you can go to meetings....great....but if you can't hang with us here. This site is 24/7 365 days.....we are here...or in newcomers if it gets slow here. I have seen numerous people get and stay clean on this forum! I've done it and so can you!!!
You sound pretty much the way I felt when I was fed up and discusted with my life as an addict. You are right it does get old and it isn't fun anymore. It becomes a huge chore making sure you have enough drug so you can get thru the next day. We are living life......day by day doing embarrassing and unthinkable things just to make sure we got our drug so we don't have to be sick. It's a horrible way to live. We become a slave to our doc. Our self esteem is in the toilet.
Just wanted you to know that I get it and have been there where you are. The frustration of not being able to remain clean....the failed attempts....the great intentions that only lasted a few minutes. The horrible feeling of failure...and the self-loathing. All of It! Been there done that...as I'm sure we all have on the addict side of this board.
And people are right, you can not do it alone. None of us have! But now you are not alone anymore. You have us...here on this board. We are here with you. If you can grab hold of us and this site.....and when the craving hits......as I'm sure it will....tell it to go to hell! You are in recovery now! Spend every waking moment reading this board ...go into our chatroom. There is always someone in there. If you can go to meetings....great....but if you can't hang with us here. This site is 24/7 365 days.....we are here...or in newcomers if it gets slow here. I have seen numerous people get and stay clean on this forum! I've done it and so can you!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 5
Well, I went to my appointment.. They recommended I do IOP. So, I started that Monday and go everyday for 3 hours. Still isn't stopping me. Not one clean day yet. I think rehab is going to be the way to go. I was going to tell them this until I found out I can't get Medicaid anymore because I don't have my daughter living with me... So I have no way to pay for any of it... So frustrating!
Thank you cleaninLI it's my fave too!! I'm sad there is only one more episode lol.
Thank you cleaninLI it's my fave too!! I'm sad there is only one more episode lol.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Welcome and keep trying no matter what. I remember writing prayers at the end of using days only to give in the next day many times. You never have to use again. You can come to treat yourself with kindness. You can be a wonderful human being in this world. You can become an authentic person. You can change your life.
Good luck
Good luck
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
