AceofSpades

Hey All. Long time opiate user. I was addicted to > 300mg of Hydrocodone (per day) about 5 years ago, wife busted me (from the finances), and ended up getting clean. I was clean for 3 years, and got a script for 30 x 5mg. It didn't send me back down the road, but it made me retardly think I could use them recreationally. Fast forward through well-known pathways, and I was back finding doctors that I knew would fill scripts for me (I'm in sales, so I can easily talk my way around). About a month ago, I hit up my brother knowing that he smokes OC once in a while, and picked up 30 x 30mg tabs. It was the beginning of the end. My wife didn't quite catch on, but she knew something was up. We just had our first kid (through IVF) recently, and it's so stupid I got back to this point. Today is 2 days in, and even after being on/ off opiates and on OC & hydrocodone for 4 weeks I am hitting some serious withdrawals right now. The only thing missing is the RLS. Doing everything I can, but basically I cut off my brother as the source (confessed to him my past and said don't let me buy another pill, no matter what I say... he was sincerely shocked). And told my doctor that I am done with Opiates, if the Celebrex doesn't treat my (legitimate) pain, we may need to do surgery on the foot that is giving me the issues (I have a neuroma from marathon running, something I got into after my addiction). I am hoping to get back on the straight and narrow. Get back to being the best in my job, and being a great dad for my son.

Edit: Current habbit over about a 6 week-8 week duration (not really sure), ended up at about 75-90mg Roxy, w/ another handful of 7.5/325 for additional idiocy. My tolerance rocketed back up. I also should elaborate that from that first 30 x 5mg script, 2 years have gone by with on and off usage. My tolerance was SO low that I could take a few, and get high. Then I hurt my foot running and my substitute addition (running) was taken away from me. First time I complained about the pain he gave me 60 x 10mg Hydro. I didn't fill the script for several house, but eventually gave in. This was hard for me, but once I went down the rabbit whole (as many of us do) I didn't look back. I never filled pills consistently, until I hit up my brother about 6 weeks ago. Then I was back telling the doctor all the familiar stories (worse than normal this week, been doing extra labor, blah blah blah). That's when I got deep. I still can't believe how substantial the w/d is this time around.

AnvilheadII

just wanted to say Welcome and how much I appreciate your candor. Pills/opiates were never my thing personally - they just make me feel extremely UNwell and usually throwing up inside of 20 minutes. oddly enough i never had a problem DRINKING until i threw up tho! or smoking crack til it felt like my heart was going to explode!

you seem to have good awareness of what is at stake and how important it is to get off the runaway train NOW before it slams into the brick wall. I hope SR can you help you on this journey. do you have any other sources of support?

sorry for the discomfort of the w/ds, but this can be a once and done, right? get thru it THIS time and then put it behind you permanently.

Best of Luck. take really good care of yourself.

AceofSpades

Hi Anvil,

Thanks for the response. I know from my past how important some 3D recovery is. I never was that great in NA. I think I am going to try Pills Anonymous. (some in my area, but not enough meetings for sure).

Last time, I had a psychiatrist that was really good, definitely going to look into that again as well to talk it out, figure out why I decided to give this dance another whirl. It's always so humbling and stupid feeling sitting in w/d, especially having done it many time back in the day and then getting to the highest point in my life several years after my addiction.

Dee74

No experience to share - just wanted to welcome you Ace

D

AceofSpades

Starting out on Day 3 of w/d... Took some Melatonin and 5-HTP w/ valaerian root to sleep last night... did okay (for being in w/d)... I am hoping to get some (even a small amount) of energy back. It's so stupid how we (or I) justify getting more pills. "well, I'll be moving soon and can't be in w/d or I won't be able to help, then I can just detox after the move!" <-- lame. It's not going to happen. I know I need some 3D support, so I looked into Pills Anonymous, and am going back to a therapist (different one) than I spoke with last time I was fighting an addiction. The PA meetings are just not frequent enough or wide-spread to hit when you need them. Soaked in a hot bath a few times the last couple of days, and that's been helping the aches & pains, but just trying to keep on keeping on.

Soberwolf

Great job on day 3 Aceofspades

AceofSpades

Today was nuts. We're selling our house, and instead of sitting in w/d like I wanted to, I ended up doing about 100 things in preparation for the house going live this weekend on the MLS, and pics getting taken Thursday. Because I travel for work, that was the only way it was going to get done. I am beyond grateful that the w/d was only mild today (maybe 4/10), def. zapped my energy but in my mind I kept thinking how I proverbially dug my own grave, and there is only one way out...oh well. Hoping I can get some more sleep tonight, and be ready to go tomorrow since I'll be traveling for work all day. Lastly made an appointment with a counselor today, won't happen until 10 days from now but it's nice to be on the schedule and have someone to talk live about this to. Thanks for reading.

GS123

Ace - your post hit very close to home for me. I have been in the same position sitting on the wax paper in the doctors office explaining how I couldn't turn my neck left or right after snow shoveling or a bad swing playing golf, walking out of the office with a script and a huge smile on my face and couple days later wondering how I reached this point. After around 10 years I am done hating myself. Thanks for your story and know that you gave me strength to work on myself and my future and that you have many people ready to return the favor.

AceofSpades

Thanks for checking in GS! The first time I got really clean, after the PAWS was gone, I've seriously never been a better person, employee, son, husband, father. That's part of what makes the relapse so maddening, but my point being that it's SO worth it... So, so worth it.

Day 4 today. Last night soaked for 1 hour after my flight in a nasty hotel bathtub, but again, my grave that I dug. My brain is so ridiculous, that last night I actually had the thought maybe I could still get a script refilled when I go see my doctor in a couple of weeks. Yeah, after all the w/d, pain, stupidity. Still crossed my mind. physical barriers were a MAJOR part of my recovery in 2010. I confessed to all my doctors (you read that right) what I had been doing. 2 of them rightfully told me that I should seek other doctors. My PCP actually was really proud of me. I even told (and watched) him write in a big black label "no opiates" on my file, so if a specialist gets this they would ostensibly see it. Turns out most don't give a **** about reading history, so when I hurt my foot running last year that token crsshhhhh rip of the script pad was all too easy to rekindle. After a few scripts I told the new doc (seeing a problem emerging) about my addiction, he then cut me off. But then getting referred I was able again to get another script. I need to tell this new doctor, but he may need to operatively repair the foot to get the nerve pain (neuroma) out, and he is the best so hopefully the NSAIDS (Celebrex) will do the trick on the interim. I just shake my head about the idiot thoughts I'm having. Another brick in the proverbial road. Thanks for reading.

Soberwolf

Your doing amazing on day 4 Ace

GS123

I know how hard it is to get through 4 days of withdrawal. Congrats on that, use the misery to your advantage next time you have the urge, I read somewhere here that someone actually wrote out a diary of how they felt during withdrawal in graphic detail and everytime they had an urge to relapse they read that to slap themselves straight, I am going to give that a shot, best of luck and good job on 4 days, it gets better and better.

Tiredofdrugs

Aceofspades! You are human! We aren't perfect machines programmed to do the same thing over and over! We are humans in all different walks of life! You made a mistake by going back to using! Yes we beat ourselves up when that happens! And we ask ourselves why why why did I do that? If that's the question? Then why did we let ourselves get so hooked in the first place? There's always questions!

But the good thing is? There's always a way out of the using. We just have to STOP putting the drugs in our bodies! Once we take that action? Then our lives start to turn around for the better! It might take some longer to feel better than others. Remember? We are all different!

Congrat's on your clean time and congrat's on your new baby boy!

TOD

AceofSpades

Hey GS - Great idea. I actually blogged over at the ODR (opiate detox recovery) site, and would re-read that as well coming off my old monster habit... it helped early on a LOT with cravings (that get wicked)

TOD - thanks, I know... it's nuts. Glad to be at Day 5... almost didn't make it, but I did, and now today I feel able to resist.

AceofSpades

Day 5 here checking in.

Yesterday sucked. I wish I could post something more upbeat, but it sucked. I got hit hard-core with cravings around 3-4pm that never went away for the whole evening. I actually put up physical barriers (my brother won't sell me oc anymore, no matter what I say) and told my doctor no more opiates. Problem is, I didn't tell my doctor why I didn't want anymore opiates. Fast forward, and I was calling his assistant and asking for a refill, because the 7.5/325 hydrocodone was "too strong". Funny, I felt a rush of anxiety and adrenaline, thinking I was going to get ahold of another script later this week when my phone rings about two hours later. "Hi ____, this is the doctor calling. No problem on the refill, just bring in the old pills you didn't use and exchange them for the new script" . Yeah right, as an addict like there are any pills left over. So to my guardian angel, to God, to whomever stepped in an intervened there THANK YOU. Because my last script was only 2 weeks ago, and I froze up on the phone and said "sure"... well, now I CANT go pick up the script which is awesome. Addiction is so sad, because every time I would make the call to get another script, while the ringtone was blaring in my mind I would be repeating "please God let them deny this script and get me out of this"...of course, once live with the doctor's assistant I was coming up with all of my creative stories and needs. Needless to say, I have NO sources of pills right now, which is great. I am strong enough to not seek out new sources, but I am not strong enough to cut off existing connections, and that was my last one.

Really grateful to be on day 5 here. The w/d yesterday was worse than expected so hoping for some relief today. One day at a time.

ChloeRose63

I am feeling for you. I have arthritis pain consantly. Can't sleep or relax. I don't take prescription drugs just OTC. Pain and sleep meds. It is a crazy feeling knowing that a drug will make you feel better. I hope posting will help. ♡CR

AceofSpades

Day 6, cruising along. It's actually really nice to know that I cannot get a prescription for anything right now, almost a weight off my shoulders in a sense! I know I feel better than I did a couple of days ago, but I still am not sleeping great and one of the most annoying w/d symptoms (I know I did this to myself, I'm just complaining) is the night sweats. I get those bad. And being really hygienic, I wash the sheets in their entirety every time. Hopefully I'll start to feel the urge to exercise again soon here.. I know that will speed along the recovery. Just going to keep downing water, and keep hoping for the best!

AnvilheadII

as a middle aged woman who has been hot flashing and night sweating for over a DECADE, put a towel down!!!

ok, carry on....keep up the good work!

AceofSpades

Thanks, have definitely done this .... unfortunately, I get my head soaked and my pillow, and since we have really good sheets they all need to get washed together for color!