Questions about mental health issues and addiction
Night owl
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Questions about mental health issues and addiction
As I've written recently, I have been struggling a lot with my mental health stuff--depression, PTSD, OCD, etc. This current serious bout of depression just seemed to come out of nowhere and I am struggling to cope with it. It feels like all of my issues are ramped up and raw, like a tsunami of chaos, insanity and pain has swept me away with it.
I have also begun to realize that a huge part of my using was an attempt to cope with the painful memories, depression, and other chaos and feelings of insanity. I have struggled with all of these before my active addiction though many things feel worse and stronger now. I have been trying to understand it, figure out what to do, how to deal with it, why it's happened.
Which leads to my questions. How have others dealt with these same challenges? Did you have depression or other issues before addiction and did they resurface or change during active addiction and then in recovery? How have you dealt with it? How do you feel your recovery affected your issues?
I really would like to learn about others' experiences, what they learned, what helped and what didn't. Thanks.
I have also begun to realize that a huge part of my using was an attempt to cope with the painful memories, depression, and other chaos and feelings of insanity. I have struggled with all of these before my active addiction though many things feel worse and stronger now. I have been trying to understand it, figure out what to do, how to deal with it, why it's happened.
Which leads to my questions. How have others dealt with these same challenges? Did you have depression or other issues before addiction and did they resurface or change during active addiction and then in recovery? How have you dealt with it? How do you feel your recovery affected your issues?
I really would like to learn about others' experiences, what they learned, what helped and what didn't. Thanks.
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Lyoness, I have dealt with depression, anxiety and OCD (fairly extreme, worst part for me) for years. I found dope to be a quick fix that eventually turned on me. It made it all much, much worse in the end. I believe it also led to a good bit of paranoia as well.
For me, some things have gotten better since I quit and some are the same. The depression is milder, the anxiety is better, OCD is probably a little worse and the paranoia is gone. So, I call it a win overall.
I think until we get clean of all drugs we can't get an accurate idea of our baseline. Personally, I can take benzos as rx'd but I don't to since they only cover things up and they are not for long term use. Eventually I would have to go through those wds again and still be a square one. Most drugs seem to have a shelf life of usefulness. And, we never really know how we really are while on them.
In summary, sobriety has helped but was not a magic pill (haha, pun intended) to solve all my problems.
For me, some things have gotten better since I quit and some are the same. The depression is milder, the anxiety is better, OCD is probably a little worse and the paranoia is gone. So, I call it a win overall.
I think until we get clean of all drugs we can't get an accurate idea of our baseline. Personally, I can take benzos as rx'd but I don't to since they only cover things up and they are not for long term use. Eventually I would have to go through those wds again and still be a square one. Most drugs seem to have a shelf life of usefulness. And, we never really know how we really are while on them.
In summary, sobriety has helped but was not a magic pill (haha, pun intended) to solve all my problems.
Night owl
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Dee, yes I am in counseling and have also done years and years, literally hundreds of hours previously as well. It does help but only to a point. Finances are an issue so getting really specialized therapy for some of my more severe stuff like PTSD is still out of reach. I also feel that I need physical therapies which I can't afford.
TiredEnough, thanks for sharing all of that. I'm sorry you know what OCD is like, it's pretty overpowering, isn't it? When I was on the opiates it was actually often worse in certain ways but I didn't care cuz if I used enough it would blot out everything. I hear you on the lorazepam, too. I am not taking it consistently or daily, only when I have reached my limit. However, you are right, it does cause rebound issues and is absolutely not a permanent solution.
I don't remember how long you've been in recovery, but how long do you think it took to see some improvement? What has thrown me is that I have gotten markedly worse with time.
TiredEnough, thanks for sharing all of that. I'm sorry you know what OCD is like, it's pretty overpowering, isn't it? When I was on the opiates it was actually often worse in certain ways but I didn't care cuz if I used enough it would blot out everything. I hear you on the lorazepam, too. I am not taking it consistently or daily, only when I have reached my limit. However, you are right, it does cause rebound issues and is absolutely not a permanent solution.
I don't remember how long you've been in recovery, but how long do you think it took to see some improvement? What has thrown me is that I have gotten markedly worse with time.
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Lyoness, I have been at this for almost 8 months now. It all seems jumbled up thinking about a timetime of when things got better. It seems like there was an immediate improvement after the acute opiate withdrawls. Then I got slammed with benzo withdrawls that took about a month to get over. My best guess was things really looked and felt different after about 3 months. I rode it all out because I told myself I'm just not doing this anymore. The drugs weren't helping and making stuff worse. I couldn't deal with both.
I always like to hear how you are doing and I'm pulling for you. Dealing with mental stuff AND quitting drugs is a real bear that most people don't understand. I think there is hope though
I always like to hear how you are doing and I'm pulling for you. Dealing with mental stuff AND quitting drugs is a real bear that most people don't understand. I think there is hope though
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,375
I wanted to add that it's no suprise that we got addicted to drugs. When you have depression, and for me especially OCD (checking the lock on the door 20 times, making sure the stove is off 20 times, weighing yourself 20 times a day to make sure you're not sick and losing weight, ect, etc, AD NAUSEUM), you are tormented and want it to stop. You get so tired and drained you are desparate for a break. Drugs will do that for awhile and seem like a gift. The problem is they don't last and bring their own problems to add to what you are already facing.
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The depression has gotten way better. It's still there although it doesn't cripple me to where I can't get out of bed or even shower. Taking care of myself helps a lot with this. Going out to work has helped a lot to keep me responsible and not wallow in self pity in bed. I still give myself time to cry and feel the pain at times but I don't allow myself to get buried in it
I only get situational anxiety now which is kind of a good thing. I get nervous in new situations usually because I'm doubting myself.
I have to stay away from certain people and situations and even tv shows because it triggers my insanity.
What I struggle with most is the borderline personality and the mood swings but I'm able to control myself more. No lashing out at people and being a terror. I've also realized most of my strong bad emotions go away rather quickly. Then I'm over it and everything is fine again.
Currently I don't take meds and I'm the most stable I've probably ever been which is great. I'm not symptom free but everything is manageable.
I only get situational anxiety now which is kind of a good thing. I get nervous in new situations usually because I'm doubting myself.
I have to stay away from certain people and situations and even tv shows because it triggers my insanity.
What I struggle with most is the borderline personality and the mood swings but I'm able to control myself more. No lashing out at people and being a terror. I've also realized most of my strong bad emotions go away rather quickly. Then I'm over it and everything is fine again.
Currently I don't take meds and I'm the most stable I've probably ever been which is great. I'm not symptom free but everything is manageable.
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As I've written recently, I have been struggling a lot with my mental health stuff--depression, PTSD, OCD, etc. This current serious bout of depression just seemed to come out of nowhere and I am struggling to cope with it. It feels like all of my issues are ramped up and raw, like a tsunami of chaos, insanity and pain has swept me away with it.
Work in Progress
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
My anger comes from these places....
Why me?
This isn't fair... It wasn't supposed to be this way.
Those people get to be so happy, they don't know what it's like to feel my pain.
Why can't I be that happy and blissful and carefree?
They have everything I want.
I ruined everything.
What I've learned about these things.....
I can handle it, that's why me. I've been through these things because it's given me character. It's made me tougher and more caring and more determined among other things. So in a way I've become grateful for the cards I've been dealt.
No it's not fair. Life isn't always fair. Go back out there and change things if you don't like it. Try to make the world a little better just by doing something nice for someone when you can.
Those people that seem to be happy and carefree all the time... They're probably living a lie. We all have secrets. I'm not afraid to share mine and be real in hopes that it may help someone. If I want the things they have I can work for it and get them. They will never appreciate the things in life that I do. I have things like gratitude and Serenity in my life some people can only dream of and it's beautiful.
Why me?
This isn't fair... It wasn't supposed to be this way.
Those people get to be so happy, they don't know what it's like to feel my pain.
Why can't I be that happy and blissful and carefree?
They have everything I want.
I ruined everything.
What I've learned about these things.....
I can handle it, that's why me. I've been through these things because it's given me character. It's made me tougher and more caring and more determined among other things. So in a way I've become grateful for the cards I've been dealt.
No it's not fair. Life isn't always fair. Go back out there and change things if you don't like it. Try to make the world a little better just by doing something nice for someone when you can.
Those people that seem to be happy and carefree all the time... They're probably living a lie. We all have secrets. I'm not afraid to share mine and be real in hopes that it may help someone. If I want the things they have I can work for it and get them. They will never appreciate the things in life that I do. I have things like gratitude and Serenity in my life some people can only dream of and it's beautiful.
Work in Progress
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
Sorry continued....
I made mistakes but I have built the resolve to fix them. And to be better than I've ever been.
Don't know if that helps at all... But these are the sources of my anger and sometimes they consume me and it helps to remember these things. Sometimes I need to remember gratitude and how much I have and I have no real reason to be angry.
I made mistakes but I have built the resolve to fix them. And to be better than I've ever been.
Don't know if that helps at all... But these are the sources of my anger and sometimes they consume me and it helps to remember these things. Sometimes I need to remember gratitude and how much I have and I have no real reason to be angry.
Night owl
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Thank you all for responding. You're giving me lots to think about.... I want to respond individually, too, but just had to put out a big thank you first!
Night owl
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Originally Posted by TiredEnough 
Lyoness, I have been at this for almost 8 months now. It all seems jumbled up thinking about a timetime of when things got better. It seems like there was an immediate improvement after the acute opiate withdrawls. Then I got slammed with benzo withdrawls that took about a month to get over. My best guess was things really looked and felt different after about 3 months. I rode it all out because I told myself I'm just not doing this anymore. The drugs weren't helping and making stuff worse. I couldn't deal with both.
I always like to hear how you are doing and I'm pulling for you. Dealing with mental stuff AND quitting drugs is a real bear that most people don't understand. I think there is hope though
AND
I wanted to add that it's no suprise that we got addicted to drugs. When you have depression, and for me especially OCD (checking the lock on the door 20 times, making sure the stove is off 20 times, weighing yourself 20 times a day to make sure you're not sick and losing weight, ect, etc, AD NAUSEUM), you are tormented and want it to stop. You get so tired and drained you are desparate for a break. Drugs will do that for awhile and seem like a gift. The problem is they don't last and bring their own problems to add to what you are already facing.
__________________
I always like to hear how you are doing and I'm pulling for you. Dealing with mental stuff AND quitting drugs is a real bear that most people don't understand. I think there is hope though
AND
I wanted to add that it's no suprise that we got addicted to drugs. When you have depression, and for me especially OCD (checking the lock on the door 20 times, making sure the stove is off 20 times, weighing yourself 20 times a day to make sure you're not sick and losing weight, ect, etc, AD NAUSEUM), you are tormented and want it to stop. You get so tired and drained you are desparate for a break. Drugs will do that for awhile and seem like a gift. The problem is they don't last and bring their own problems to add to what you are already facing.
__________________
Like I said before, I'm sorry you know what OCD is like but it helps to know we're not alone, too, I think. I have my repetitive behaviors and then just internal stuff that still interferes with regular tasks. It can take 15-20 minutes to fill a water bottle because I have to keep pouring back out because I "thought" something "wrong." Or an hour to fold a simple load of laundry. Or ten minutes to wash 2 or 3 dishes.... What's worse is we KNOW that it's OCD and not "real" and yet we have to obey it....
Thank you for your supportive words, too, as they mean so much. When my tsunamis hit, I go underground and HIDE! And I think everyone hates me as that is part of my internal dialogue/reality. So then I stop reaching out to anyone, even people here who get it. So I am trying to work on that one, too.
=^o^=
Night owl
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Originally Posted by DecBaby
The depression has gotten way better. It's still there although it doesn't cripple me to where I can't get out of bed or even shower. Taking care of myself helps a lot with this. Going out to work has helped a lot to keep me responsible and not wallow in self pity in bed. I still give myself time to cry and feel the pain at times but I don't allow myself to get buried in it
I only get situational anxiety now which is kind of a good thing. I get nervous in new situations usually because I'm doubting myself.
I have to stay away from certain people and situations and even tv shows because it triggers my insanity.
What I struggle with most is the borderline personality and the mood swings but I'm able to control myself more. No lashing out at people and being a terror. I've also realized most of my strong bad emotions go away rather quickly. Then I'm over it and everything is fine again.
Currently I don't take meds and I'm the most stable I've probably ever been which is great. I'm not symptom free but everything is manageable.
AND
My anger comes from these places....
Why me?
This isn't fair... It wasn't supposed to be this way.
Those people get to be so happy, they don't know what it's like to feel my pain.
Why can't I be that happy and blissful and carefree?
They have everything I want.
I ruined everything.
What I've learned about these things.....
I can handle it, that's why me. I've been through these things because it's given me character. It's made me tougher and more caring and more determined among other things. So in a way I've become grateful for the cards I've been dealt.
No it's not fair. Life isn't always fair. Go back out there and change things if you don't like it. Try to make the world a little better just by doing something nice for someone when you can.
Those people that seem to be happy and carefree all the time... They're probably living a lie. We all have secrets. I'm not afraid to share mine and be real in hopes that it may help someone. If I want the things they have I can work for it and get them. They will never appreciate the things in life that I do. I have things like gratitude and Serenity in my life some people can only dream of and it's beautiful.
I only get situational anxiety now which is kind of a good thing. I get nervous in new situations usually because I'm doubting myself.
I have to stay away from certain people and situations and even tv shows because it triggers my insanity.
What I struggle with most is the borderline personality and the mood swings but I'm able to control myself more. No lashing out at people and being a terror. I've also realized most of my strong bad emotions go away rather quickly. Then I'm over it and everything is fine again.
Currently I don't take meds and I'm the most stable I've probably ever been which is great. I'm not symptom free but everything is manageable.
AND
My anger comes from these places....
Why me?
This isn't fair... It wasn't supposed to be this way.
Those people get to be so happy, they don't know what it's like to feel my pain.
Why can't I be that happy and blissful and carefree?
They have everything I want.
I ruined everything.
What I've learned about these things.....
I can handle it, that's why me. I've been through these things because it's given me character. It's made me tougher and more caring and more determined among other things. So in a way I've become grateful for the cards I've been dealt.
No it's not fair. Life isn't always fair. Go back out there and change things if you don't like it. Try to make the world a little better just by doing something nice for someone when you can.
Those people that seem to be happy and carefree all the time... They're probably living a lie. We all have secrets. I'm not afraid to share mine and be real in hopes that it may help someone. If I want the things they have I can work for it and get them. They will never appreciate the things in life that I do. I have things like gratitude and Serenity in my life some people can only dream of and it's beautiful.
I second TE that you have a pretty amazing attitude! To be able to come to that serenity and gratitude in the face of pain and suffering is profound and a testament to your strength and spirit.
I, too, feel anger at a lot of the things you mentioned. Trying to understand why I was singled out for such severe abuse and abandonment. And yes, sometimes envying those who have no idea of such pain. Though I agree that many are in denial. To not be in denial is to face and try to accept raw pain and agony. This is profoundly difficult yet I know the pain and agony that denial cause too.
I also struggle with the Borderline Personality issues though express it in less common ways, not through lashing out but through hiding instead. Do you have any specific tools you use(d) to deal with it and the depression?
And finally, I agree that because we feel and face the depths of pain it also means we have a great depth and capacity to empathize, to glory in nature, to feel the other side of that pain. It's just a matter of getting there.....
=^o^=
Night owl
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Originally Posted by neferkamichael
Lyoness, FANTASTIC, thank you. One of the reasons I read so many threads is to gain knowledge and understand what I am going through, and it has paid off one more time. I have ignored my feelings most of my life and now that I am clean of chemical substances , they are ramped up and raw and sweep me away like a tsunami. My biggest mental issue is anger. I am angry all the time, and at everything. Not only that, very negative and defensive. I'm working on it, but it's more 1 step forward and back to go most of the time. You figure something out, please let me know. Rootin for ya.
I'm grateful that in finally talking about my tsunami it is helping you and maybe others, too. I needed a little reminder about that before I was able to post (thank you cleaninLI) and am grateful that I did.
I really hear you on the anger, too. I don't have it all the time but when it comes up it shocks me. I have never been an angry person, I always stuffed it and turned it into depression and self-hatred. I still fear expressing my anger to anyone but in private will rage. I don't know if it's just my internal chemistry still sorting itself out or that I still have so much healing work to do and things to address. But it's scary sometimes how huge and all-encompassing it can be/feel.
I wish us all peace....
=^o^=
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Houston Texas
Posts: 676
For me. Yea. There is a mental illness / pain concept in play. I found that my DOC, if for only a few moments, provided relief from my constant anxiety and interestingly my utter lack of confidence. I have always suffered from low self esteem and confidence. When I first discovered opies I shed that confidence issue. It was awesome to see how the other side felt and lived. Some of that is the reason I keep coming back. But alas. It is not real.
Work in Progress
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
I wish I could say I had some specific tools I use. One big thing though is I don't isolate. Lyoness from what I remember you live on a big property with not many people around... Is that correct? Even coming onto sr more often is a help. No one hates you. I feel that way too at times so I understand.
Acceptance... Not quite a tool but hugely powerful.
My abandonment and abuse issues are still there. I keep all people at arms length. I trust no one. And that's also because of the fear that I don't want to give people the power to hurt me. I'm working on it. My boyfriend is the only one I've let in and even that's a lot for me. But I trust him. It took a long time though.
I try not to obsess over bad thoughts. Having ocd that's probably extremely difficult. But I try to breath and let them pass and not feed into them because a lot of the time they're non sense thoughts.
If anyone does have useful tools I'd like to hear them as well.
Acceptance... Not quite a tool but hugely powerful.
My abandonment and abuse issues are still there. I keep all people at arms length. I trust no one. And that's also because of the fear that I don't want to give people the power to hurt me. I'm working on it. My boyfriend is the only one I've let in and even that's a lot for me. But I trust him. It took a long time though.
I try not to obsess over bad thoughts. Having ocd that's probably extremely difficult. But I try to breath and let them pass and not feed into them because a lot of the time they're non sense thoughts.
If anyone does have useful tools I'd like to hear them as well.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Hi lyoness! So happy to see you back! Thank you.....just love your thought provoking threads!
Decbaby you just nailed it!
"Acceptance.....not quite a tool but hugely powerful."
I think for me "acceptance" has made all the difference in my life. I doubt I'd be where I am today without it.
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
That itty bitty prayer is so short....so simple.....at times I even forget it.
But it's wisdom is so profound......so enlightening.....it really is the key to lifelong happiness and serenity.
If I did not have "acceptance" for all of the bad things that happened to me in my life? I would be lost in a sea of despair. I would be angry and bitter. Forever depressed and wallowing in self-pity.
If I did not have the "courage" to change the things I can? Nothing would have changed in my life, I would've remained stuck....never moving forward.
Lastly, if I did not have the "wisdom" to know the difference? I would be lost in a perpetual state of confusion.
Thank you decbaby I needed this reminder today!
Decbaby you just nailed it!
"Acceptance.....not quite a tool but hugely powerful."
I think for me "acceptance" has made all the difference in my life. I doubt I'd be where I am today without it.
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
That itty bitty prayer is so short....so simple.....at times I even forget it.
But it's wisdom is so profound......so enlightening.....it really is the key to lifelong happiness and serenity.
If I did not have "acceptance" for all of the bad things that happened to me in my life? I would be lost in a sea of despair. I would be angry and bitter. Forever depressed and wallowing in self-pity.
If I did not have the "courage" to change the things I can? Nothing would have changed in my life, I would've remained stuck....never moving forward.
Lastly, if I did not have the "wisdom" to know the difference? I would be lost in a perpetual state of confusion.
Thank you decbaby I needed this reminder today!
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Lyoness - I picked up a book today that I thought you might be interested in. It's called "The Brain That Changes Itself" and gives case studies of people that overcame pretty crazy afflictions by changes to the brain through thought processes, etc. I only read a chapter of it so far, and I have to admit I am somewhat skeptical of the fantastic claims that it makes. Maybe it is just something that works for a small subset of people, but it sounds like you have tried a lot of different things already. It has a chapter on OCD called "Brain Lock Unlocked: Using Plasticity to Stop Worries, Obsessions, Compulsions, and Bad Habits". Once I read in full I'll have a better handle on it, but I thought about you when I bought it.
I am a history buff, and there is one historical event in particular strikes me as a perfect example of how powerful the brain can be. It's a macabre example, but sometimes I think about Thich Quang Duc (the monk that toasted himself in a Vietnam war protest). The guy just sat there and didn't even flinch through the whole thing. There isn't a drug out there I ever took that would even get me close to being able to do that!
I am a history buff, and there is one historical event in particular strikes me as a perfect example of how powerful the brain can be. It's a macabre example, but sometimes I think about Thich Quang Duc (the monk that toasted himself in a Vietnam war protest). The guy just sat there and didn't even flinch through the whole thing. There isn't a drug out there I ever took that would even get me close to being able to do that!
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