Questions about mental health issues and addiction
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
This OP got me thinking of my mental health history, which is something I don't do too often outside of the effect alcohol had on me. There are things I rarely talk about anymore, and things I won't share on a an open forum.
When I was about 4 or 5 years old I had night terrors (my parents believe from an incident that happened when I was an infant), and would wake my parents up screaming in the middle of the night. Often. They were prescribed some syrup to give me before bed, which worked, until they couldn't wake me up one time. That scared the crap out of them, and they never gave it to me again. They have no clue what the syrup was, and I have only a vague, vague memory of it.
Lots of stuff went on after that that turned me into a depressed, paranoid, and incredibly shy kid. I got bullied a lot. I had anxiety issues all through my school years, and eventually dropped out. Saw several counselors during those years, but was terrified of them, and never got anything out of it. They taught me some relaxation exercies that I didn't use.
At 17 yrs old, after pointing a loaded gun at myself and seriously considering it, I discovered alcohol, and my feet touched the ground for the first time in my life. It made me normal. It was magical. Anything and everything that ever ailed me floated away, and I became the person I always wanted to be. I felt happy. I felt confident. I felt secure. I felt I found my solution, and immediately embraced it without a care that I knew I was about to become an alcoholic.
Bla, bla, bla..... that turned on me in a matter of a year, and by the time I was 23 I was living in the darkest space I believe any brain could ever travel to. I was unable to function, would dry heave if I tried to speak to anyone, had been full blown agoraphobic for a few years, and wanted nothing more than to be able to muster up the courage to kill myself. I couldn't get that courage up, and wound up hospitalized.
When I surrendered, I asked my parents to take me to a psychiatric hospital. My father called an employee of his who had been treated for alcoholism, and they had me instead put into a detox. I didn't think that was going to do anything more than get the alcohol out of my system, but I agreed. For reasons to this day that I still don't understand, they offered me no medication. I wanted it. It's actually just occurring to me this second, that they may have not offered me any because I don't believe I told them I was suicidal. While I very much wanted and needed psychiatric help, I was absolutely terrified of being locked in an institution, and I feared that's what would have happened if I told them I wanted to kill myself. Wow! A penny drops, thirty years into sobriety.... weird...
Anyhow, I was told repeatedly that if I stopped drinking and followed the suggestions they laid out, I would get better. The suggestions were AA, the 12 steps, a rehab, and aftercare counseling. I listened. I healed.
I often go on here about medication, and almost got banned because of my opinions regarding it, but I've learned a bit and I guess I'll take this space to be clear on why I feel the way I do. People say we're not to give medical advice (in AA or on SR), yet it's acceptable to tell someone they may need medicaton. I don't get that? They're told to go to a doctor to be certain about things, yet doctors medicate. While there may be people here who've experienced it, I've yet to meet a person who's gone to a psychiatrist and not been prescribed medication. Where I live, it simply does NOT happen. And that's generally the case with general physcians too, who I've known to prescribe all kinds of meds. IMO going on medication is dangerous. Much more dangerous, (for reasons I won't get into) than to see what else can be done first.
Do I think there are people who SHOULD be on antidepressant, and anti anxiety medication? Absolutely, but I think it should be a last resort, and don't want to get into that right now. It's only my opinion, yet born of my own experience with them (was convince more than once to go that route) and the experience of many people in my life. Should also mention that I think it's one of the most dangerous things in the world for anyone who's on medication to decide to stop without thoroughly working that out with a DR. I would never EVER advise nor suggest that to anyone. Wouldn't ever advise anyone on meds to get off them, period. Would advise if asked however not going that route, unless all else had failed.
The reason I'm grateful I wasn't medicated (or labeled, although one psychiatrist wanted to label me borderline bi-polar) is because lack of medication forced me into doing things I otherwise would have never done. It forced me to form a relationship with a HP (which I call god, but does not fit the traditional definition). It forced me into AA. It forced me into diving into the 12 steps with all my heart and soul, and I believe this to be why I can consider myself recovered from alcoholism, and healed of my many other ailments. I've heard more than once that I have no idea what it's like to be in other people's shoes, and that's true, but nobody knows what it was like to be in my shoes. I believe I know the darkest, most painful recesses of the brain, places where very few have travelled and I only say this because when I got to those places they were so far removed from anything I had ever before experienced. Places even a depressed, paranoid kid didn't know existed. Not sadness, not darkness, not depression, but absolute blackness, hopelessness, horror, and despair. A place that's either impossible for me to put into words, or that I never want to describe to not stir the memory. The place that jet propelled me into sobriety.
Goin on and on when I have things to do this evening...
My point of this whole thing is to say that there is hope. There is happiness. There is recovery. I don't believe however it comes on it's own, and I know it doesn't come over night. It takes time, but it comes if one is willing. Willing to walk through and experience some pain, willing to walk trhough and experience some fear, and willing to believe there is a different life out there than the one we've known for years and years. My HP has given me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. AA has given me a HUGE box full of tools that I keep using over and over. I'm grateful for that. I have a pretty awesome and free life today
.
When I was about 4 or 5 years old I had night terrors (my parents believe from an incident that happened when I was an infant), and would wake my parents up screaming in the middle of the night. Often. They were prescribed some syrup to give me before bed, which worked, until they couldn't wake me up one time. That scared the crap out of them, and they never gave it to me again. They have no clue what the syrup was, and I have only a vague, vague memory of it.
Lots of stuff went on after that that turned me into a depressed, paranoid, and incredibly shy kid. I got bullied a lot. I had anxiety issues all through my school years, and eventually dropped out. Saw several counselors during those years, but was terrified of them, and never got anything out of it. They taught me some relaxation exercies that I didn't use.
At 17 yrs old, after pointing a loaded gun at myself and seriously considering it, I discovered alcohol, and my feet touched the ground for the first time in my life. It made me normal. It was magical. Anything and everything that ever ailed me floated away, and I became the person I always wanted to be. I felt happy. I felt confident. I felt secure. I felt I found my solution, and immediately embraced it without a care that I knew I was about to become an alcoholic.
Bla, bla, bla..... that turned on me in a matter of a year, and by the time I was 23 I was living in the darkest space I believe any brain could ever travel to. I was unable to function, would dry heave if I tried to speak to anyone, had been full blown agoraphobic for a few years, and wanted nothing more than to be able to muster up the courage to kill myself. I couldn't get that courage up, and wound up hospitalized.
When I surrendered, I asked my parents to take me to a psychiatric hospital. My father called an employee of his who had been treated for alcoholism, and they had me instead put into a detox. I didn't think that was going to do anything more than get the alcohol out of my system, but I agreed. For reasons to this day that I still don't understand, they offered me no medication. I wanted it. It's actually just occurring to me this second, that they may have not offered me any because I don't believe I told them I was suicidal. While I very much wanted and needed psychiatric help, I was absolutely terrified of being locked in an institution, and I feared that's what would have happened if I told them I wanted to kill myself. Wow! A penny drops, thirty years into sobriety.... weird...
Anyhow, I was told repeatedly that if I stopped drinking and followed the suggestions they laid out, I would get better. The suggestions were AA, the 12 steps, a rehab, and aftercare counseling. I listened. I healed.
I often go on here about medication, and almost got banned because of my opinions regarding it, but I've learned a bit and I guess I'll take this space to be clear on why I feel the way I do. People say we're not to give medical advice (in AA or on SR), yet it's acceptable to tell someone they may need medicaton. I don't get that? They're told to go to a doctor to be certain about things, yet doctors medicate. While there may be people here who've experienced it, I've yet to meet a person who's gone to a psychiatrist and not been prescribed medication. Where I live, it simply does NOT happen. And that's generally the case with general physcians too, who I've known to prescribe all kinds of meds. IMO going on medication is dangerous. Much more dangerous, (for reasons I won't get into) than to see what else can be done first.
Do I think there are people who SHOULD be on antidepressant, and anti anxiety medication? Absolutely, but I think it should be a last resort, and don't want to get into that right now. It's only my opinion, yet born of my own experience with them (was convince more than once to go that route) and the experience of many people in my life. Should also mention that I think it's one of the most dangerous things in the world for anyone who's on medication to decide to stop without thoroughly working that out with a DR. I would never EVER advise nor suggest that to anyone. Wouldn't ever advise anyone on meds to get off them, period. Would advise if asked however not going that route, unless all else had failed.
The reason I'm grateful I wasn't medicated (or labeled, although one psychiatrist wanted to label me borderline bi-polar) is because lack of medication forced me into doing things I otherwise would have never done. It forced me to form a relationship with a HP (which I call god, but does not fit the traditional definition). It forced me into AA. It forced me into diving into the 12 steps with all my heart and soul, and I believe this to be why I can consider myself recovered from alcoholism, and healed of my many other ailments. I've heard more than once that I have no idea what it's like to be in other people's shoes, and that's true, but nobody knows what it was like to be in my shoes. I believe I know the darkest, most painful recesses of the brain, places where very few have travelled and I only say this because when I got to those places they were so far removed from anything I had ever before experienced. Places even a depressed, paranoid kid didn't know existed. Not sadness, not darkness, not depression, but absolute blackness, hopelessness, horror, and despair. A place that's either impossible for me to put into words, or that I never want to describe to not stir the memory. The place that jet propelled me into sobriety.
Goin on and on when I have things to do this evening...
My point of this whole thing is to say that there is hope. There is happiness. There is recovery. I don't believe however it comes on it's own, and I know it doesn't come over night. It takes time, but it comes if one is willing. Willing to walk through and experience some pain, willing to walk trhough and experience some fear, and willing to believe there is a different life out there than the one we've known for years and years. My HP has given me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. AA has given me a HUGE box full of tools that I keep using over and over. I'm grateful for that. I have a pretty awesome and free life today
.
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Hi Lyoness
I too struggle with PTSD, had before addiction issues. It is the worst, being newly clean/sober and that stuff comes back FULL FORCE. I know made me want to turn right back around and go score... but I didn't. Only makes it 10x worse to keep push it off. I so happy I dealt with it now rather than later...or die before I could.
I have zero money to my name...but found a psychologist who specialize in trauma that willing to do sliding scale. I may had luck out...I'm unsure, but perhaps you find sliding scale therapist? You will have to ask for it probably, but the embarrassment is worth it if say yes. Has done wonder for me after couple years... I am not "cured" any sense of word, but I can cope mostly now. Cope without drugs.
Other thing that help me immensely is having dog and cat. A pet can be huge stress reliever, but really depends on personality.
Each person so unique, it hard to say what will work for you. But keep trying new things, something bound to work.
I too struggle with PTSD, had before addiction issues. It is the worst, being newly clean/sober and that stuff comes back FULL FORCE. I know made me want to turn right back around and go score... but I didn't. Only makes it 10x worse to keep push it off. I so happy I dealt with it now rather than later...or die before I could.
I have zero money to my name...but found a psychologist who specialize in trauma that willing to do sliding scale. I may had luck out...I'm unsure, but perhaps you find sliding scale therapist? You will have to ask for it probably, but the embarrassment is worth it if say yes. Has done wonder for me after couple years... I am not "cured" any sense of word, but I can cope mostly now. Cope without drugs.
Other thing that help me immensely is having dog and cat. A pet can be huge stress reliever, but really depends on personality.
Each person so unique, it hard to say what will work for you. But keep trying new things, something bound to work.
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by mkintexas 
For me. Yea. There is a mental illness / pain concept in play. I found that my DOC, if for only a few moments, provided relief from my constant anxiety and interestingly my utter lack of confidence. I have always suffered from low self esteem and confidence. When I first discovered opies I shed that confidence issue. It was awesome to see how the other side felt and lived. Some of that is the reason I keep coming back. But alas. It is not real.
I did find it would make my OCD worse but I didn't care, I wanted that greater release. It's interesting it helped you with the self-confidence and low self-esteem. I always hoped it would make me less shy and more confident but that didn't happen. And of course the cycle of using, guilt, etc. wound up further damaging my self esteem. For me it was alcohol, way back when, that got rid of my shyness, inhibitions, etc. And the benzos helped of course, too. And like you said--it was pretty awesome and amazing to find out how the other half lives!
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by DecBaby
I wish I could say I had some specific tools I use. One big thing though is I don't isolate. Lyoness from what I remember you live on a big property with not many people around... Is that correct? Even coming onto sr more often is a help. No one hates you. I feel that way too at times so I understand.
Acceptance... Not quite a tool but hugely powerful.
My abandonment and abuse issues are still there. I keep all people at arms length. I trust no one. And that's also because of the fear that I don't want to give people the power to hurt me. I'm working on it. My boyfriend is the only one I've let in and even that's a lot for me. But I trust him. It took a long time though.
I try not to obsess over bad thoughts. Having ocd that's probably extremely difficult. But I try to breath and let them pass and not feed into them because a lot of the time they're non sense thoughts.
If anyone does have useful tools I'd like to hear them as well.
Acceptance... Not quite a tool but hugely powerful.
My abandonment and abuse issues are still there. I keep all people at arms length. I trust no one. And that's also because of the fear that I don't want to give people the power to hurt me. I'm working on it. My boyfriend is the only one I've let in and even that's a lot for me. But I trust him. It took a long time though.
I try not to obsess over bad thoughts. Having ocd that's probably extremely difficult. But I try to breath and let them pass and not feed into them because a lot of the time they're non sense thoughts.
If anyone does have useful tools I'd like to hear them as well.
You are so right about the acceptance! It is a tool and so much more, a life changer. I am in awe of your ability to create that in yourself. The times I have found acceptance have indeed been what helped create huge changes for me. I don't know if change is actually possible without acceptance. But I do know how hard acceptance is to get!
I do isolate--a lot. It is one of my main coping strategies that I've been using since very early childhood. Being alone, truly alone, meant being safer. It is an integral part of the way my brain/mind/thinking work. And tied in with it is all of the programming from the torture, abuse, belittling, etc. that turned into depression and self-hatred. My mind, my neural pathways are totally wired that way, that's how they developed.
When I try to heal or change those pathways, it's like those deep grooves or ruts are just impossible to alter. It's like a 16 lane superhighway in my brain and the new thought is a tiny, fragile inchworm trying to cross to the other side.... Let's just say there are a lot of splatted inchworms in my brain...
Like you trusting others is extremely difficult for me. And as I've posted here and elsewhere, I've been badly let down by several people in the past year or so which feeds the isolation and mistrust even further. I am aware that I really want to work on this though because alone and mistrustful is a pretty miserable existence.
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by cleaninLI
Hi lyoness! So happy to see you back! Thank you.....just love your thought provoking threads!
Decbaby you just nailed it!
"Acceptance.....not quite a tool but hugely powerful."
I think for me "acceptance" has made all the difference in my life. I doubt I'd be where I am today without it.
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
That itty bitty prayer is so short....so simple.....at times I even forget it.
But it's wisdom is so profound......so enlightening.....it really is the key to lifelong happiness and serenity.
If I did not have "acceptance" for all of the bad things that happened to me in my life? I would be lost in a sea of despair. I would be angry and bitter. Forever depressed and wallowing in self-pity.
If I did not have the "courage" to change the things I can? Nothing would have changed in my life, I would've remained stuck....never moving forward.
Lastly, if I did not have the "wisdom" to know the difference? I would be lost in a perpetual state of confusion.
Thank you decbaby I needed this reminder today!
Decbaby you just nailed it!
"Acceptance.....not quite a tool but hugely powerful."
I think for me "acceptance" has made all the difference in my life. I doubt I'd be where I am today without it.
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
That itty bitty prayer is so short....so simple.....at times I even forget it.
But it's wisdom is so profound......so enlightening.....it really is the key to lifelong happiness and serenity.
If I did not have "acceptance" for all of the bad things that happened to me in my life? I would be lost in a sea of despair. I would be angry and bitter. Forever depressed and wallowing in self-pity.
If I did not have the "courage" to change the things I can? Nothing would have changed in my life, I would've remained stuck....never moving forward.
Lastly, if I did not have the "wisdom" to know the difference? I would be lost in a perpetual state of confusion.
Thank you decbaby I needed this reminder today!
I have used the Serenity prayer off and on, too. It can be pretty amazing at times and has helped me when my mind is on feedback loop. I think its simplicity is what makes it so effective. Even though it doesn't always work and I forget about it it's still a pretty incredible tool.
What you say about acceptance that is so true. And I still have so much resistance and anger about what has happened in my life. Anger and bitterness, depression and self-hatred. They are so hard to get out of and it is so hard to accept. It feels like betraying myself, like saying what happened to me (and therefore what happened/happens to others) is okay. I "know" that's not what it truly means but those feelings are powerful.
Courage, well I can always use more. That's why I am Lyoness, I need that great big old heart of a mama lion! And wisdom, well...
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by OpioPhobe
Lyoness - I picked up a book today that I thought you might be interested in. It's called "The Brain That Changes Itself" and gives case studies of people that overcame pretty crazy afflictions by changes to the brain through thought processes, etc. I only read a chapter of it so far, and I have to admit I am somewhat skeptical of the fantastic claims that it makes. Maybe it is just something that works for a small subset of people, but it sounds like you have tried a lot of different things already. It has a chapter on OCD called "Brain Lock Unlocked: Using Plasticity to Stop Worries, Obsessions, Compulsions, and Bad Habits". Once I read in full I'll have a better handle on it, but I thought about you when I bought it.
I am a history buff, and there is one historical event in particular strikes me as a perfect example of how powerful the brain can be. It's a macabre example, but sometimes I think about Thich Quang Duc (the monk that toasted himself in a Vietnam war protest). The guy just sat there and didn't even flinch through the whole thing. There isn't a drug out there I ever took that would even get me close to being able to do that!
I am a history buff, and there is one historical event in particular strikes me as a perfect example of how powerful the brain can be. It's a macabre example, but sometimes I think about Thich Quang Duc (the monk that toasted himself in a Vietnam war protest). The guy just sat there and didn't even flinch through the whole thing. There isn't a drug out there I ever took that would even get me close to being able to do that!
That book sounds amazing. In theory I totally believe in the brain's ability to heal and change itself. In practice, well, I am not so successful. If I think about it though, my brain underwent massive structural and functional changes to survive what it/I did, so theoretically it should be able to change again. I guess it's the repetition factor as well as those changes were made during infancy, childhood and adolescence when the brain is still literally forming itself. So it's like that superhighway I mentioned above.That example is indeed powerful. I know there are people who can do those types of things and again, it is probably possible that we all can do that to some degree. It's like a confluence of willpower, spirituality, self-awareness, biology and physics and who knows what else. I have touched on that a few times. Once was firewalking which was an incredible experience. I did not burn myself and it was NOT mind over matter, more like mind with matter. It was a rarity and a miracle when I desperately needed one.
For me I guess it's about overcoming so many doubts and fears and years of programming and trying to cultivate faith in the possible...
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by Joe Nerv
This OP got me thinking of my mental health history, which is something I don't do too often outside of the effect alcohol had on me. There are things I rarely talk about anymore, and things I won't share on a an open forum.
When I was about 4 or 5 years old I had night terrors (my parents believe from an incident that happened when I was an infant), and would wake my parents up screaming in the middle of the night. Often. They were prescribed some syrup to give me before bed, which worked, until they couldn't wake me up one time. That scared the crap out of them, and they never gave it to me again. They have no clue what the syrup was, and I have only a vague, vague memory of it.
Lots of stuff went on after that that turned me into a depressed, paranoid, and incredibly shy kid. I got bullied a lot. I had anxiety issues all through my school years, and eventually dropped out. Saw several counselors during those years, but was terrified of them, and never got anything out of it. They taught me some relaxation exercies that I didn't use.
At 17 yrs old, after pointing a loaded gun at myself and seriously considering it, I discovered alcohol, and my feet touched the ground for the first time in my life. It made me normal. It was magical. Anything and everything that ever ailed me floated away, and I became the person I always wanted to be. I felt happy. I felt confident. I felt secure. I felt I found my solution, and immediately embraced it without a care that I knew I was about to become an alcoholic.
Bla, bla, bla..... that turned on me in a matter of a year, and by the time I was 23 I was living in the darkest space I believe any brain could ever travel to. I was unable to function, would dry heave if I tried to speak to anyone, had been full blown agoraphobic for a few years, and wanted nothing more than to be able to muster up the courage to kill myself. I couldn't get that courage up, and wound up hospitalized.
When I surrendered, I asked my parents to take me to a psychiatric hospital. My father called an employee of his who had been treated for alcoholism, and they had me instead put into a detox. I didn't think that was going to do anything more than get the alcohol out of my system, but I agreed. For reasons to this day that I still don't understand, they offered me no medication. I wanted it. It's actually just occurring to me this second, that they may have not offered me any because I don't believe I told them I was suicidal. While I very much wanted and needed psychiatric help, I was absolutely terrified of being locked in an institution, and I feared that's what would have happened if I told them I wanted to kill myself. Wow! A penny drops, thirty years into sobriety.... weird...
Anyhow, I was told repeatedly that if I stopped drinking and followed the suggestions they laid out, I would get better. The suggestions were AA, the 12 steps, a rehab, and aftercare counseling. I listened. I healed.
I often go on here about medication, and almost got banned because of my opinions regarding it, but I've learned a bit and I guess I'll take this space to be clear on why I feel the way I do. People say we're not to give medical advice (in AA or on SR), yet it's acceptable to tell someone they may need medicaton. I don't get that? They're told to go to a doctor to be certain about things, yet doctors medicate. While there may be people here who've experienced it, I've yet to meet a person who's gone to a psychiatrist and not been prescribed medication. Where I live, it simply does NOT happen. And that's generally the case with general physcians too, who I've known to prescribe all kinds of meds. IMO going on medication is dangerous. Much more dangerous, (for reasons I won't get into) than to see what else can be done first.
Do I think there are people who SHOULD be on antidepressant, and anti anxiety medication? Absolutely, but I think it should be a last resort, and don't want to get into that right now. It's only my opinion, yet born of my own experience with them (was convince more than once to go that route) and the experience of many people in my life. Should also mention that I think it's one of the most dangerous things in the world for anyone who's on medication to decide to stop without thoroughly working that out with a DR. I would never EVER advise nor suggest that to anyone. Wouldn't ever advise anyone on meds to get off them, period. Would advise if asked however not going that route, unless all else had failed.
The reason I'm grateful I wasn't medicated (or labeled, although one psychiatrist wanted to label me borderline bi-polar) is because lack of medication forced me into doing things I otherwise would have never done. It forced me to form a relationship with a HP (which I call god, but does not fit the traditional definition). It forced me into AA. It forced me into diving into the 12 steps with all my heart and soul, and I believe this to be why I can consider myself recovered from alcoholism, and healed of my many other ailments. I've heard more than once that I have no idea what it's like to be in other people's shoes, and that's true, but nobody knows what it was like to be in my shoes. I believe I know the darkest, most painful recesses of the brain, places where very few have travelled and I only say this because when I got to those places they were so far removed from anything I had ever before experienced. Places even a depressed, paranoid kid didn't know existed. Not sadness, not darkness, not depression, but absolute blackness, hopelessness, horror, and despair. A place that's either impossible for me to put into words, or that I never want to describe to not stir the memory. The place that jet propelled me into sobriety.
Goin on and on when I have things to do this evening...
My point of this whole thing is to say that there is hope. There is happiness. There is recovery. I don't believe however it comes on it's own, and I know it doesn't come over night. It takes time, but it comes if one is willing. Willing to walk through and experience some pain, willing to walk trhough and experience some fear, and willing to believe there is a different life out there than the one we've known for years and years. My HP has given me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. AA has given me a HUGE box full of tools that I keep using over and over. I'm grateful for that. I have a pretty awesome and free life today.
When I was about 4 or 5 years old I had night terrors (my parents believe from an incident that happened when I was an infant), and would wake my parents up screaming in the middle of the night. Often. They were prescribed some syrup to give me before bed, which worked, until they couldn't wake me up one time. That scared the crap out of them, and they never gave it to me again. They have no clue what the syrup was, and I have only a vague, vague memory of it.
Lots of stuff went on after that that turned me into a depressed, paranoid, and incredibly shy kid. I got bullied a lot. I had anxiety issues all through my school years, and eventually dropped out. Saw several counselors during those years, but was terrified of them, and never got anything out of it. They taught me some relaxation exercies that I didn't use.
At 17 yrs old, after pointing a loaded gun at myself and seriously considering it, I discovered alcohol, and my feet touched the ground for the first time in my life. It made me normal. It was magical. Anything and everything that ever ailed me floated away, and I became the person I always wanted to be. I felt happy. I felt confident. I felt secure. I felt I found my solution, and immediately embraced it without a care that I knew I was about to become an alcoholic.
Bla, bla, bla..... that turned on me in a matter of a year, and by the time I was 23 I was living in the darkest space I believe any brain could ever travel to. I was unable to function, would dry heave if I tried to speak to anyone, had been full blown agoraphobic for a few years, and wanted nothing more than to be able to muster up the courage to kill myself. I couldn't get that courage up, and wound up hospitalized.
When I surrendered, I asked my parents to take me to a psychiatric hospital. My father called an employee of his who had been treated for alcoholism, and they had me instead put into a detox. I didn't think that was going to do anything more than get the alcohol out of my system, but I agreed. For reasons to this day that I still don't understand, they offered me no medication. I wanted it. It's actually just occurring to me this second, that they may have not offered me any because I don't believe I told them I was suicidal. While I very much wanted and needed psychiatric help, I was absolutely terrified of being locked in an institution, and I feared that's what would have happened if I told them I wanted to kill myself. Wow! A penny drops, thirty years into sobriety.... weird...
Anyhow, I was told repeatedly that if I stopped drinking and followed the suggestions they laid out, I would get better. The suggestions were AA, the 12 steps, a rehab, and aftercare counseling. I listened. I healed.
I often go on here about medication, and almost got banned because of my opinions regarding it, but I've learned a bit and I guess I'll take this space to be clear on why I feel the way I do. People say we're not to give medical advice (in AA or on SR), yet it's acceptable to tell someone they may need medicaton. I don't get that? They're told to go to a doctor to be certain about things, yet doctors medicate. While there may be people here who've experienced it, I've yet to meet a person who's gone to a psychiatrist and not been prescribed medication. Where I live, it simply does NOT happen. And that's generally the case with general physcians too, who I've known to prescribe all kinds of meds. IMO going on medication is dangerous. Much more dangerous, (for reasons I won't get into) than to see what else can be done first.
Do I think there are people who SHOULD be on antidepressant, and anti anxiety medication? Absolutely, but I think it should be a last resort, and don't want to get into that right now. It's only my opinion, yet born of my own experience with them (was convince more than once to go that route) and the experience of many people in my life. Should also mention that I think it's one of the most dangerous things in the world for anyone who's on medication to decide to stop without thoroughly working that out with a DR. I would never EVER advise nor suggest that to anyone. Wouldn't ever advise anyone on meds to get off them, period. Would advise if asked however not going that route, unless all else had failed.
The reason I'm grateful I wasn't medicated (or labeled, although one psychiatrist wanted to label me borderline bi-polar) is because lack of medication forced me into doing things I otherwise would have never done. It forced me to form a relationship with a HP (which I call god, but does not fit the traditional definition). It forced me into AA. It forced me into diving into the 12 steps with all my heart and soul, and I believe this to be why I can consider myself recovered from alcoholism, and healed of my many other ailments. I've heard more than once that I have no idea what it's like to be in other people's shoes, and that's true, but nobody knows what it was like to be in my shoes. I believe I know the darkest, most painful recesses of the brain, places where very few have travelled and I only say this because when I got to those places they were so far removed from anything I had ever before experienced. Places even a depressed, paranoid kid didn't know existed. Not sadness, not darkness, not depression, but absolute blackness, hopelessness, horror, and despair. A place that's either impossible for me to put into words, or that I never want to describe to not stir the memory. The place that jet propelled me into sobriety.
Goin on and on when I have things to do this evening...
My point of this whole thing is to say that there is hope. There is happiness. There is recovery. I don't believe however it comes on it's own, and I know it doesn't come over night. It takes time, but it comes if one is willing. Willing to walk through and experience some pain, willing to walk trhough and experience some fear, and willing to believe there is a different life out there than the one we've known for years and years. My HP has given me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. AA has given me a HUGE box full of tools that I keep using over and over. I'm grateful for that. I have a pretty awesome and free life today
.I am trying to understand, to accept, to heal and am learning more and more that I need new ways to do this and am beginning to open my mind to this. That is why I so deeply appreciate everyone's replies here. New ideas, new angles, new perceptions to help me unstick my own mind and thinking.
And you've helped greatly to add to that.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Originally Posted by JustAYak
Hi Lyoness
I too struggle with PTSD, had before addiction issues. It is the worst, being newly clean/sober and that stuff comes back FULL FORCE. I know made me want to turn right back around and go score... but I didn't. Only makes it 10x worse to keep push it off. I so happy I dealt with it now rather than later...or die before I could.
I have zero money to my name...but found a psychologist who specialize in trauma that willing to do sliding scale. I may had luck out...I'm unsure, but perhaps you find sliding scale therapist? You will have to ask for it probably, but the embarrassment is worth it if say yes. Has done wonder for me after couple years... I am not "cured" any sense of word, but I can cope mostly now. Cope without drugs.
Other thing that help me immensely is having dog and cat. A pet can be huge stress reliever, but really depends on personality.
Each person so unique, it hard to say what will work for you. But keep trying new things, something bound to work.
I too struggle with PTSD, had before addiction issues. It is the worst, being newly clean/sober and that stuff comes back FULL FORCE. I know made me want to turn right back around and go score... but I didn't. Only makes it 10x worse to keep push it off. I so happy I dealt with it now rather than later...or die before I could.
I have zero money to my name...but found a psychologist who specialize in trauma that willing to do sliding scale. I may had luck out...I'm unsure, but perhaps you find sliding scale therapist? You will have to ask for it probably, but the embarrassment is worth it if say yes. Has done wonder for me after couple years... I am not "cured" any sense of word, but I can cope mostly now. Cope without drugs.
Other thing that help me immensely is having dog and cat. A pet can be huge stress reliever, but really depends on personality.
Each person so unique, it hard to say what will work for you. But keep trying new things, something bound to work.
It is the worst when we get sober and then everything we've shoved down does come back with a vengeance--and all at once! Before things might trickle up to the surface but now it's like everything, now, the enormity of it all and it's killer! And as you said, so very hard to not go back and use. You should be so proud that you didn't! I have slipped and messed up, though not gone back to full blown usage so I have to recognize that as victory in the midst of challenge. I am beginning to look at my addiction and my ideas of success differently too, get out of fantasy and self-judgment and wishful thinking and try to start to accept where I am. That it's all part of the pathway of healing and change.
I am doing some addiction counseling now and have done hundreds of hours of therapy in the past. I am not opposed to further therapy but I think I need some new forms or specialized treatment. Having someone to talk to and be heard by is vital but I think I need other forms too. And yes, money is a huge issue but there are people who do work with that.
I totally agree about having companion animals, especially for those of us with PTSD. They are so loving and giving and don't hurt us (usually
). I have one large kitty who feels like two and he is a lifesaver. I also do housesitting and get to spend time with other cats and dogs which I really appreciate.It sounds as though you have come a long, long way and that is awesome and hopeful for the rest of us!
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