DecBaby

I have a question for you. Have you always gotten attention from men? I ask because I used to thrive on attention from men and like to feel as though I had power over them. I had no sense of self worth. I wonder if you might feel the same way. Just a thought.

cleaninLI

Ashamed, how are you doing today? Please check in with us.

Ashamedof

Yes, I've always gotten tons of attention from men. I guess I'm just feeling blah! I'm not sure. I know that I could never actually do it, I would feel terrible afterwards. I wonder if it's just me awakening sober? When I quit norco way before my husband came around, I was single after leaving an abusive relationship for 8 years. I went crazy! I always wanted a relationship though, I've never been the kind of person that sleeps around for the fun of it. That's why I was so confused. Today is day 9 and I had a good day! I went to the mall, got a pair of boots and a pair of slippers I stopped and got my hair done too ! I have noticed, while in the mall I look people in the eye , before I would always avoid eye contact. It was because I felt ashamed. I hold my head high now and I like it. After walking around the mall for hours, I'm pooped! Seriously drained, I'm assuming this us normal. Energy high earlier but down now.

When it comes to my husband, I guess I feel unappreciated. All I do is clean up after him and our dogs, it's getting old. I feel like he never puts effort into anything around here. If I say something he always says "I pay the bills don't i?" As if that's enough. It's not enough. I want to take a vacation, go to dinner, workout together, hike, go see a movie..something, anything! Sex is boring and 2 second long. I'm sorry, I just needed to vent.

Thank you for checking on me!!

Elseware

Ashamedof, maybe it's time to sit down for a heart to heart with your husband. Does he know what's been happening with you? How you feel? What you need? Does he care? My husband didn't even know I was an addict until I sat down and told him. Then he helped me with my detox and it made us feel kind of close. Although I can sense his patience wearing thin sometimes because I talk about my aches and pains endlessly. But a good talk can sometimes make a world of difference.

fightinglioness

yay Ashamedof, you're so awesome for blocking her and not saying anything back!
You definitely need to reward yourself with some presents, like those shoes you mentioned. That's what I did! I literally went on a $500 shopping spree for myself just to make myself feel and look better for crawling out of my addict cave, haha.
It will be tough but you did the right thing posting on here before you texted back, and I def think you should get a new number. It makes you feel a whole lot better with the new life thing going on
keep it up!

Ashamedof

Thank you so much! I'm going to buy a new cell with a new number hopefully this week I read an article that really opened my eyes. "Delete your dealers number, they are not your friend, they need you around because your money also Feeds their own habit" I was just like yes, all the times she screwed me over, made up lies about getting busted so my money was gone etc etc etc I could go on forever! I just sat here pissed off and want nothing to ever do with this person again. Lesson learned.

Ashamedof

No, he has no idea. He is not a very understanding person. You make a mistake and he makes it the end of the world. I fell in love with the idea of being someone's wife and at one time we were fun together...now? The party is over. It's like a rebirth and an awakening for me. I don't feel like we should be together anymore yet I'm not in a place to make a move. He already told me he would hunt me down and kill me and any man I'm with and gut us both. Then laughs about. I really feel stuck here. I'm really pissed at myself for ending up here, again... I already spent 8 years with an abusive person, found the strength to leave and here I sit again. At this point I question my own sanity!

Ashamedof

Thank you for thinking of me :-)

Ashamedof

Good morning day 11. This is the first morning I woke up refreshed with energy! I slept about 6 full hours and the rls seems to be gone. I'm still having some tummy issues but nothing really bad. Energy is high during the day and I tend to get really fatigued by the afternoon but maybe today it won't happen, we shall see. Still getting random goose bumps but it's less and less as my body temperature adjusts normally. I'm not uncomfortable anymore. I'm sneezing but I think it's just allergies, I've always had them it was just suppressed by the pills. I think today I will treat myself to a massage , yes that's what ill do! I'm going to work on my business for a while, clean my house. Get some exercise in, drink tons of water and try to stay positive.

cleaninLI

Ashamedof, I'm glad you're doing some things for yourself that make you happy! I can literally picture in my mind how much you're changing and caring for yourself. Have you ever thought of attending a group such as alanon? I suggest you take a visit to other side of this forum. The f&f side. Have you been over there? I think it will help you to understand why you've been choosing those types of men in your life. As you probably know you can not change your husband or make him stop drinking. The only person you can change is yourself. I have to give you a lot of applause because you are doing just that and an excellent job of it too. ((((Hugs)))) I'm sending you this link from there that I think you should read.


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html

Elseware

That is disturbing to me to read about your husband. In fact, I'm afraid for you. Are you safe where you are?

Ashamedof

I'm safe. I messed up though I took a roxi today and I don't even know why? I feel like utter ****! I mean headache and just moody, all over again! Why ?? Am I back to day one now? I don't have any more and I can't get any more either so do I go through withdrawels again?

Elseware

You won't go through withdrawals if you only took one. But taking one does make it easier to take another one and another one after that. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Beating yourself up does not help. Believe me on that one! Just keep going from here. Get rid of any pills you have and start again. Get rid of your contacts. Close the doors. You can do it. There is a thing called PAWS. You could google it and read up on it. The more info you have the better off you are. Keep on keeping on, Kiddo. Post here often. People really do care.

fancyfee

Sorry to hear that Ashamed. I don't think you will go in to full WD but you might feel lousy for a little bit.

DecBaby

The worst part will probably be the guilt you feel. Remember that is doesn't feel good. You're not back to square one. Just don't pick up another.

cleaninLI

Ashamedof, thanks for being truthful with us. You can do this.

fancyfee

Tomorrow's a new day! I think of it like a slip, unless you go back to really using and active addiction.

I think it's great that you came here and posted about it also. Now is the time where you can really try to understand your recovery and where you want to be in 6months to a year. I use therapy with an addiction counselor but others use other programs. I think sometimes we self medicate to deal with our lives or other underlying conditions.

DecBaby

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time. Thomas Edison

finaltime

Ashamed, how you doing? I am just jumping on here and read through your journey. We have a lot in common. Read through my threads if you ever are bored and want to see how I have been clean and not clean and clean etc. You have roxi's handy? That is something you must change, NO PILLS around.

Lets chat soon. Hope you are okay, pick yourself up and think strong again.

Ashamedof

Thank you all so much! Taking that pill made me realize more than ever that I want to be sober!! I felt horrible. I was back to my moody self, headache, tired, zoning out, reclusive etc. I don't have any pills around, I got rid of them all! I happen to find one and I don't know why but I swallowed it. Today I feel tired and a little off but I'm ok otherwise. I need to be honest if I want to beat this. I can tell you with 100% certainty it's not worth it!! If anyone is thinking "one pill won't hurt" don't do it! I'm a much kinder, nicer, level person who laughs , I mean really laughs when off pills. They do t make me happy or a better person, at all! I have a great personality off them and that's the person I like.

I need to also get a new number because even though I blocked the dealer , the app will show me who tried to call, could definitely trigger me. So, Monday I'm buying a new phone (I have money now) and that's that.