Need a little inspiration to get clean or stay clean? Please Read
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
I finally got up at 3:00 AM. Walked outside to see the blue moon and say a prayer. Still on the Vicodin taper. And doing ok. Legs are better but now its my poor feet! They feel like the bones are broken. Still can't sleep. I hope feeling ok is not going to make me want to "celebrate". There I go again, getting ahead of myself. I feel very raw. Like the world is coming into focus and the slightest stress could send me over. Taking very, very good care of myself. I'm usually everyone's doormat and I'm getting static from saying no. People don't like it and use anger to get their way. It feels like attacks on my journey. Landmines. I dont feel like telling everyone my business so no one gets it. Others don't like it when you change, I've noticed. This Vicodin is a deep, dark secret for me. Thanks for giving a place to let out my thoughts and feelings. Elseware
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 432
lrntolive - great thread. I had balance issues for a little while when I was getting sober. Felt like I was a drunken sailor once in a while. Interesting that opiates will cause that too along with all the other crazy symptoms.
Hopefully you will start to get some sleep soon. That and the restless legs, twitching and diarrhea for awhile are crazy.
I have been sober for 19 months and I was sober for a year prior to that with my week relapse. I still go through terrible down periods and have to remember to be grateful for what I have now. The other day if I would have had drugs in my house I would have used them....it just hit me and I hate it when I get those thoughts. Sucks. Thank goodness my sobriety is very important to me!
You can do this. One day at a time! Sometimes that is what it takes.
Hopefully you will start to get some sleep soon. That and the restless legs, twitching and diarrhea for awhile are crazy.
I have been sober for 19 months and I was sober for a year prior to that with my week relapse. I still go through terrible down periods and have to remember to be grateful for what I have now. The other day if I would have had drugs in my house I would have used them....it just hit me and I hate it when I get those thoughts. Sucks. Thank goodness my sobriety is very important to me!
You can do this. One day at a time! Sometimes that is what it takes.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 64
Hi Fancy and Cleanin, Thank you for reaching out to me. It is just what I needed tonight. I am on Day 12 and I am really happy with my progress. I am still not sleeping great but my legs are getting a little better. My job is good. I am actually having an pretty good week of sales! I have had some brain fog and I cannot remember things that should be automatic like someones name that I just met with or forgetting to put my gas cap back on my car... just a little fuzzy in the brain. It is frustrating but I am pushing through. My neck and back pain (which started this nightmare) is also frustrating to deal with. I work such long hours and I just come home in pain. I have a physical therapy kit here at my house and a tens unit but nothing really helps. I hope it just the drug seeking part of my brain telling me I need it and it will ease up with time.
The thing that I am really struggling with is my son. He has a a drinking problem and I have to deal with that at night when I am home. It isn't easy to deal with - without my pills. I didn't realize how much this really helped me cope with so many things. Not only my pain but the stress of my job and my son. I am not considering using again. I am just trying to figure out how to deal with my son and still focus on myself and my recovery. There isn't anywhere for him to go so it is something that I have to figure out on my own. And I feel pretty overwhelmed and a little down
The thing that I am really struggling with is my son. He has a a drinking problem and I have to deal with that at night when I am home. It isn't easy to deal with - without my pills. I didn't realize how much this really helped me cope with so many things. Not only my pain but the stress of my job and my son. I am not considering using again. I am just trying to figure out how to deal with my son and still focus on myself and my recovery. There isn't anywhere for him to go so it is something that I have to figure out on my own. And I feel pretty overwhelmed and a little down
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 64
Wow congratulations likehappiness. That is really something to be proud of! I hear you about the ups and downs. Some days I am so happy to be free from pills and others I am not sure how I will handle all of the stress at home and bills and also work and deal with pain. UGH. One day at a time I guess.....
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Olive, I'm so glad you checked in with us! We were a little worried about you. It's tough dealing with long term pain issues. Today in my IOP our group leader talked a little bit about that. There are a few clients who were on pain management and struggling with addictions to their meds. In fact, maybe that would be a good topic for a thread. Another topic was family dynamics and how they change throughout our recovery. Not a bad topic either.
Anyway, get some rest and I hope you feel better!
Anyway, get some rest and I hope you feel better!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 64
Yes I agree cleaninli - it would be good thread topic. You guys ate great here! Its nice to have tbis support. Sounds like you are doing OK?
Fancy yes he knows and he is using it against me.... he's in full blown addiction to alcohol so he isn't thinking clearly. He was supportive in the beginning but now I won't buy him beer so he gets nasty. Its a mess really. I have allowed akot if stuff to go on to long. Now how do you get back control? I see you will be going back to work soon? You also sound like you are doing great!
Any suggestions on where I could get some advice to deal with my son?
Fancy yes he knows and he is using it against me.... he's in full blown addiction to alcohol so he isn't thinking clearly. He was supportive in the beginning but now I won't buy him beer so he gets nasty. Its a mess really. I have allowed akot if stuff to go on to long. Now how do you get back control? I see you will be going back to work soon? You also sound like you are doing great!
Any suggestions on where I could get some advice to deal with my son?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: US
Posts: 729
Geeze that's tough. How old is he? You could try an al-anon meeting. You're awfully fresh in recovery for that. Does he want to quit? You two could go to AA together.
Moms of older kids could probably help answer better. My mom threw my butt out. I hit my hard bottom until I found pain killers years later.
Moms of older kids could probably help answer better. My mom threw my butt out. I hit my hard bottom until I found pain killers years later.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 64
Hey elsewhere, I totally understand what you mean when people around you don't want you to change. It does feel like a personal attack. I'm trying to find a way to regain control in my house.... o
Hope you are feeling better
Hope you are feeling better
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Olive you could post on the F&F side of this forum but I could probably tell you what they will say. They are going to tell you to kick him out of your house. ( if he's over 18) set up boundaries and work on YOU! That's it in a nutshell. Oh, and as fancy suggested attend alanon.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: US
Posts: 729
Not knowing his backstory/age it's difficult to suggest different levels of assistance. If he is interested in any sort of recovery for himself, I think the Salvation Army runs a wonderful program but it is very strict. You could talk to your therapist and work on boundaries.
If he has mental health issues your therapist could suggest programs in your area that are free or that he could qualify for.
If he has mental health issues your therapist could suggest programs in your area that are free or that he could qualify for.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 64
He is 22 and has tourettes syndrome and bad anxiety... and I guess he is now finding his comfort in a bottle iof booze like I did with the pills. He doesnt think he has a problem. He is so lost and I just dont know whst to do. I cant kick him out. He doesnt have any friends or a job. Its a bad situation. One that I tried to ignore for too long and now that I'm trying to clean up - its staring me in the face. I have so much guilt - its killing me.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 64
Thank you for your kindness. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself that I don't know if I can even reach out to everyone. I'm already regretting making this known. I am so ashamed. I have made so many mistakes and I'm just not sure if I can ever forgive myself. Thank you for talking with me.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: US
Posts: 729
You have nothing to be ashamed of! The past is the past. All we can do is live in the present and work towards the future. We have all done things we wish we could change. You are showing him now that it can be done, and he is probably afraid. Maybe sit down with him tomorrow when he is sober and try to find some shared common ground. If he is angry, that's okay. If you really feel like you need to apologize for something, that's okay too. I think it's time for you both to heal.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Oh I hope you are right and we can heal the damage that has been done. I will try to talk to him tmrw. We are just so far from being OK that I don't know how we will get back. I worry for us both. He doesn't seem to care - just very cold to me. Let him drink and leave him alone.....is his wish.... thank you - you did offer a lot of great suggestions - now I have to use one instead of complaining.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Houston Texas
Posts: 676
Originally Posted by lrntolive 
MK - I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. My heart goes out to you.
Trust me when I say that I understand because even though I am experiencing some healing now, it hasn't always been the case. My world was dark and gray for the 2 1/2 years I was clean. I was taking pain meds for about 13 years on a daily basis when I quite last time. I relapsed about 6 months ago and realized that I would end up dying from this if I didn't stop. But I didn't think stopping would save me either because the thought of going back to how I felt clean wasn't an option. I felt pretty hopeless.
And there wasn't anything that anyone could say to me that would make it better. And when others talked about how they saw the world anew - it pissed me off. I thought they were lying to themselves. Or that I was just deeply damaged with no chance of repair. Those were some pretty dark times and I am surprised that I am here today if I am honest with you.
But you can and will see the world anew. It happened for me yesterday and I don't know how or why. It isn't my willpower or a positive frame of mind, it just is. The ONLY thing I did was to put one foot of the other and dragged myself through each day. I cannot explain it but I will be eternally grateful for this renewed outlook on life. A chance to really live life not struggle through each day wishing I was dead. I know I am NOT in the clear. But I have hope now and that is everything. I am still feeling physically like crap but I am ALIVE. And I want to LIVE. I haven't been able to say that for many years.
I don't know when or how it will happen for you but I feel pretty confident in saying that it will happen - eventually. SEEK and YOU WILL FIND.
Trust me when I say that I understand because even though I am experiencing some healing now, it hasn't always been the case. My world was dark and gray for the 2 1/2 years I was clean. I was taking pain meds for about 13 years on a daily basis when I quite last time. I relapsed about 6 months ago and realized that I would end up dying from this if I didn't stop. But I didn't think stopping would save me either because the thought of going back to how I felt clean wasn't an option. I felt pretty hopeless.
And there wasn't anything that anyone could say to me that would make it better. And when others talked about how they saw the world anew - it pissed me off. I thought they were lying to themselves. Or that I was just deeply damaged with no chance of repair. Those were some pretty dark times and I am surprised that I am here today if I am honest with you.
But you can and will see the world anew. It happened for me yesterday and I don't know how or why. It isn't my willpower or a positive frame of mind, it just is. The ONLY thing I did was to put one foot of the other and dragged myself through each day. I cannot explain it but I will be eternally grateful for this renewed outlook on life. A chance to really live life not struggle through each day wishing I was dead. I know I am NOT in the clear. But I have hope now and that is everything. I am still feeling physically like crap but I am ALIVE. And I want to LIVE. I haven't been able to say that for many years.
I don't know when or how it will happen for you but I feel pretty confident in saying that it will happen - eventually. SEEK and YOU WILL FIND.
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