Bill2020

I Am powerless. I haven't had a drink in 12 years. Always used to introduce myself as an alcoholic (when I used to go to meetings). Something about saying I was an addict I had a problem with. Constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself. Long story short knee problems had me playing with Percocet 6 or 7 years ago. Just 1script few times a year. Before I knew it - everyday for a long time. Lymphoma recurs 2 years ago and I'm off to the races. IV narcs while I'm in the hospital (over a month). Getting just about anything my heart desires from my oncologist who I had conviently neglected to tell I was also getting oxy scripts from my rheumatologist. Chemo knocks cancer out (for now) and I'm still getting my pills. July of last year the gig is up. New NJ pharmacy system realizes I'm cheating. Kicked pretty much cold turkey and had the worst 3 months of my life. October 2012 talked oncologist into putting me pack on oxycontin for pain (I feel it but I don't know if its real anymore). Switched to pain mgmt and got him increasing dosages. Finally came somewhat clean to him and he's helping me kick. I'm so full of S$&t it ain't even funny..got the house still, the wife still, the business still, a lot of stuff that I used to think validated me. But I've lost me again. The best 5 years of my life were when I was clean and sober and I can't get back there. Know I gotta get to meetings, but don't have the strength yet. If I take pills I feel normal for 2 hours and then feel like dirt unless I take more pills. If I don't take pills I swear I feel I would rather be dead. I know my brain and body are messing with me but the opioids take me over. I can't do this anymore. This has to be my last kick. Would love to hear suggestions on getting over these w/d's and when I might start to feel ok again. Sorry for the ramble- just had to get this out there and get started.

Dee74

Hi Bill - welcome
I don't know anything about percs myself - are you seeing a Dr at all?

D

Bill2020

Yes - haven't been totally honest with him but will this week. I'm embarrassed, and ashamed of myself but can't keep up dishonesty. Had a good program (I thought) at one time. Gotta start using my brain for uses other than obtaining drugs.