I always thought I was better then this...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 3
I always thought I was better then this...
Lortabs are my personal demon. It started out just as an occasional "treat". With the successful start of my own business, I was working from the time I woke up till the time I went to bed. Tabs gave me the extra boost of energy I needed to "push through" and work longer, harder, faster. Making 1/4 to 1/2 mil. a year gives you LOTS of extra money to hunt down and buy pills. I justified them because I "needed" them to keep the business flowing. I am one hell of a justifier..lol
Now, 5 years later, the economy sucks, business sucks, and my life sucks. For a while now, it's been a struggle to come up with the money to get them, harder to find a steady supply, and harder to live with myself.
A friend in the same addiction situation decided she had enough, and started tapering off with the goal of quiting. Her and I talked about it before, but I wasn't ready. Now I am.
It's been about a week and 1/2 of much lower usage. At my highest point, I was taking anywhere from 10 - 15 10mg a day. Maybe more, crap.. I just don't know. I was buying like 80 at a time. It was like a non-ending supply.
It got to the point of them doing nothing to get me "high", they turned into a being able to function fix.
I am down to about 3 a day. Not great, but a hell of a ways from where I was before. Right now, the mental aspect is killing me. I am giving my body "small" fixes to keep the withdraw sickness at bay, but I know I can't keep doing it forever. I WANT TO BE DONE WITH THEM
I guess I just signed up for this forum to have kindred spirits to bitch and cry to. Posting here makes me feel much less alone
Now, 5 years later, the economy sucks, business sucks, and my life sucks. For a while now, it's been a struggle to come up with the money to get them, harder to find a steady supply, and harder to live with myself.
A friend in the same addiction situation decided she had enough, and started tapering off with the goal of quiting. Her and I talked about it before, but I wasn't ready. Now I am.
It's been about a week and 1/2 of much lower usage. At my highest point, I was taking anywhere from 10 - 15 10mg a day. Maybe more, crap.. I just don't know. I was buying like 80 at a time. It was like a non-ending supply.
It got to the point of them doing nothing to get me "high", they turned into a being able to function fix.
I am down to about 3 a day. Not great, but a hell of a ways from where I was before. Right now, the mental aspect is killing me. I am giving my body "small" fixes to keep the withdraw sickness at bay, but I know I can't keep doing it forever. I WANT TO BE DONE WITH THEM
I guess I just signed up for this forum to have kindred spirits to bitch and cry to. Posting here makes me feel much less alone
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: parkersburg, wv
Posts: 178
You aren't alone, we have been there. Lortabs are my drug of choice-I liked all pills, but Lortabs were my favorite. It started out just like you-Only on weekend camping trips, it gave me more energy to hike. Then while working, it made me a better sales person. I won the top sales award in the country while high on them-and had to count my pills on the National Sales Trip. I knew I was addicted then, that was back in 2001. But for years, I associated as the pills as making me better, more productive, more on top of things.
It's a downward slope, and yes I quit getting high off of them and was taking handfuls to keep from getting sick. I am proud that you cut way back on your dosage. I hope you can keep going lower and lower. I had to quit cold turkey-off of everything.
My career had deterioriated to nothing-I had not worked full time in 5 years near the end. I was too sick and too dependent on the pills to make it through the day. My advice, take a week off of work-clear your schedule. Allow yourself to be sick-it will get better. Every week you will feel better and one day you will wake up and not think about pills. It takes time though.. We are impatient-I think as addicts we want instant gratification..that is why we used to start with. We have to learn that life isn't always about instant gratification-it takes work and time.
Living on the other side is so worth it-I used to hear people say that and think I will never get there-it can't be good because I feel so bad without them-but it does get wonderful, one day at a time.
It's a downward slope, and yes I quit getting high off of them and was taking handfuls to keep from getting sick. I am proud that you cut way back on your dosage. I hope you can keep going lower and lower. I had to quit cold turkey-off of everything.
My career had deterioriated to nothing-I had not worked full time in 5 years near the end. I was too sick and too dependent on the pills to make it through the day. My advice, take a week off of work-clear your schedule. Allow yourself to be sick-it will get better. Every week you will feel better and one day you will wake up and not think about pills. It takes time though.. We are impatient-I think as addicts we want instant gratification..that is why we used to start with. We have to learn that life isn't always about instant gratification-it takes work and time.
Living on the other side is so worth it-I used to hear people say that and think I will never get there-it can't be good because I feel so bad without them-but it does get wonderful, one day at a time.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
Oxy was, I guess is, my DOC. my story is much the same as yours except I went cold turkey and feel it is the way to go. Eventually you will be there when you finally decide to let go. I admire that you are trying to get clean and am not criticizing but have seen the gradual taper fail so often in my and other's lives. Until you finally let go of the last pill you are still taking pills to try to feel better and you haven't really quit.
We are so afraid of withdrawal and use that fear as a reason to just hang on to the last grain of the last pill and then maybe get a couple more to buffer ourselves just a little bit longer.
you can take some time and just quit and let it run its course. You will make it. It won't kill or hospitalize you.
What feels better a bit of crappy feeling because you are brave enough to quit or beating yourself up for not quitting or feeling sick from too many pills.
whatever you do stay with it as life is so much better on the other side.
There is lots of help and support here. And lots of people who have been or are where you are.
We are so afraid of withdrawal and use that fear as a reason to just hang on to the last grain of the last pill and then maybe get a couple more to buffer ourselves just a little bit longer.
you can take some time and just quit and let it run its course. You will make it. It won't kill or hospitalize you.
What feels better a bit of crappy feeling because you are brave enough to quit or beating yourself up for not quitting or feeling sick from too many pills.
whatever you do stay with it as life is so much better on the other side.
There is lots of help and support here. And lots of people who have been or are where you are.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 3
Well, I took my last tab on Saturday morning at 10am. It's now Monday 6pm and I am a wreck 
Dizzy, nauseous, and as weak as a new born kitten. Just typing this is making me want to cry
I have a split personality thing going on here. One side of me is thrilled I have not taken any more, the other evil side is like " go get some and feel NORMAL again".
My husband has been awesome. I came clean a month ago about how much I was taking to him.
As of right now, I don't think I will ever feel better. I read posts from people who it took months to feel "better", and that scares me to death. I can't survive for months like this
I have a company to run, and can't afford to hop between the tub and the bed.
Ok, sorry. I see that I am rambling aimlessly. I am just sick and addle brained right now
Dizzy, nauseous, and as weak as a new born kitten. Just typing this is making me want to cry
I have a split personality thing going on here. One side of me is thrilled I have not taken any more, the other evil side is like " go get some and feel NORMAL again".
My husband has been awesome. I came clean a month ago about how much I was taking to him.
As of right now, I don't think I will ever feel better. I read posts from people who it took months to feel "better", and that scares me to death. I can't survive for months like this
I have a company to run, and can't afford to hop between the tub and the bed.
Ok, sorry. I see that I am rambling aimlessly. I am just sick and addle brained right now
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
Well, you do know this will take time. You are going to hurt, you are going to cry, you are going to think that 'just one will take this pain away' this is all part of the process. Hang in there, I know you can do this. It GETS EASIER EACH DAY.
You will need to do more once the sickness goes away to keep the addict beast at bay. What are you going to do? Hang in there. I have all the faith in you in the world!~
You will need to do more once the sickness goes away to keep the addict beast at bay. What are you going to do? Hang in there. I have all the faith in you in the world!~
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Lancaster Ca
Posts: 18
If you are serious about really quitting you need to remove every single pill from your home, flush them or drop them in the trash just as the garbage man is passing by, if you don't, you will relapse, it gets pretty deep and dark after about the 3rd day and your mind will convince you to relapse, been there done that, take it from an ex-addict...The only way to quit is to remove the source, if there is a pill anywhere, you will find out how to get it. You can do it, i did it and feel amazing, just remember 2 weeks of pain is better then pain the rest of your life...I believe in you, but take my advise please
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Hawaii
Posts: 217
best of luck to you!
It's hard. You will probably feel worse than you have ever dreamed. Plus, the mental challenge is so cunning.
I am soooooooooooooo glad to be done with that! OMG!
People keep saying, don't worry, it will get better. It's tough to comprehend while you are going through with it, but trust them. They have all been in your shoes and its the only thing. Just hope, wait, and pray or whatever and you will get there!
Im on day 35. It's been the roughest month of my life without a doubt.
Keep around here. I was on this site thousands of times during my withdraw.
Peace to you....
It's hard. You will probably feel worse than you have ever dreamed. Plus, the mental challenge is so cunning.
I am soooooooooooooo glad to be done with that! OMG!
People keep saying, don't worry, it will get better. It's tough to comprehend while you are going through with it, but trust them. They have all been in your shoes and its the only thing. Just hope, wait, and pray or whatever and you will get there!
Im on day 35. It's been the roughest month of my life without a doubt.
Keep around here. I was on this site thousands of times during my withdraw.
Peace to you....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by EvoEight 
If you are serious about really quitting you need to remove every single pill from your home, flush them or drop them in the trash just as the garbage man is passing by, if you don't, you will relapse, it gets pretty deep and dark after about the 3rd day and your mind will convince you to relapse, been there done that, take it from an ex-addict...The only way to quit is to remove the source, if there is a pill anywhere, you will find out how to get it. You can do it, i did it and feel amazing, just remember 2 weeks of pain is better then pain the rest of your life...I believe in you, but take my advise please
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