Husband admits to being a coke addict
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Husband admits to being a coke addict
i am posting in this forum with the hope that perhaps some of you can provide me with some support? answers? clarification? why??
my husband admitted to me 3 weeks ago that he is addicted to cocaine. he admitted this after i looked in his phone and saw him sexting a woman at 4am in the morning. he panicked...begged me not to leave over and over. then he asked me to sit down and went out to the garage which he calls his mancave. that is where he watches the game, hangs out with his boys...and gets drunk. he comes back and shows me this box with his stash of cocaine...in these balloons. he said he has been trying to stop but cant. i looked in his computer and see that he submitted an on-line application to a local rehab center back in jan. i told him i would stand by him, if he did the following things...rehab, stop drinking, transparency/phone records, and counseling. he said he would do them all except provide me with his phone records. that was a deal breaker for me and he left the house and went to stay with his brother. over the next week, it had been back and forth insane arguments over him seeing our son overnight for 4 nights in a row. he was mean, erratic, and downright nasty in his texts messages to me. he came over one morning to get our son, even though it wasnt planned. we go into a fight..he pushed me and i hit my head...had to get 5 stitches...he went to jail for a week. now he refuses to talk to me at all because of the restraining order in place, even though it clearly says we can talk about our son. i packed up his things, and put him out. he is still staying with his brother...and i understand the family researched 4-5 rehab centers...none of which he is attending. i have not heard from him at all...except him telling me he cant talk to me...because of RO.
i was hoping you could give me some insight. i am in denial still that he is an addict. here are the facts...
1. he showed me his cocaine stash
2. he said he does coke 4-5 times a week
3. he says when he drinks, he likes to do coke, and then becomes sexual.
4. he was physically abusive when he pushed me.
5. he submitted that on-line form to rehab back in jan
6. he has sold coke...however he never had any money, you know?
i feel like he has abandoned me and our son. didnt even try to fight for us. refuses to do the 4 things i mentioned...and definitley wont give over those phone records. he does not seem remorseful...at all.
this is not the man i knew. he is cold...and is not fighting for me or our family.
i know i sound pathetic and have been on the other boards...but i wanted to see if i can talk to anyone in recovery, or trying to recover, or even who wants to who might be able to give me some information from my husband's perspective.
i would appreciate it if only people with substance abuse issues responded. thank you so much.
my husband admitted to me 3 weeks ago that he is addicted to cocaine. he admitted this after i looked in his phone and saw him sexting a woman at 4am in the morning. he panicked...begged me not to leave over and over. then he asked me to sit down and went out to the garage which he calls his mancave. that is where he watches the game, hangs out with his boys...and gets drunk. he comes back and shows me this box with his stash of cocaine...in these balloons. he said he has been trying to stop but cant. i looked in his computer and see that he submitted an on-line application to a local rehab center back in jan. i told him i would stand by him, if he did the following things...rehab, stop drinking, transparency/phone records, and counseling. he said he would do them all except provide me with his phone records. that was a deal breaker for me and he left the house and went to stay with his brother. over the next week, it had been back and forth insane arguments over him seeing our son overnight for 4 nights in a row. he was mean, erratic, and downright nasty in his texts messages to me. he came over one morning to get our son, even though it wasnt planned. we go into a fight..he pushed me and i hit my head...had to get 5 stitches...he went to jail for a week. now he refuses to talk to me at all because of the restraining order in place, even though it clearly says we can talk about our son. i packed up his things, and put him out. he is still staying with his brother...and i understand the family researched 4-5 rehab centers...none of which he is attending. i have not heard from him at all...except him telling me he cant talk to me...because of RO.
i was hoping you could give me some insight. i am in denial still that he is an addict. here are the facts...
1. he showed me his cocaine stash
2. he said he does coke 4-5 times a week
3. he says when he drinks, he likes to do coke, and then becomes sexual.
4. he was physically abusive when he pushed me.
5. he submitted that on-line form to rehab back in jan
6. he has sold coke...however he never had any money, you know?
i feel like he has abandoned me and our son. didnt even try to fight for us. refuses to do the 4 things i mentioned...and definitley wont give over those phone records. he does not seem remorseful...at all.
this is not the man i knew. he is cold...and is not fighting for me or our family.
i know i sound pathetic and have been on the other boards...but i wanted to see if i can talk to anyone in recovery, or trying to recover, or even who wants to who might be able to give me some information from my husband's perspective.
i would appreciate it if only people with substance abuse issues responded. thank you so much.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: baytown texas
Posts: 6
We can't call anyone else an addict. But sounds like it. Best of Luck to you. There will be other women who will respond to your plea of help. I'm single. If he didn't go to treatment and get clean I'd leave. But it's not that easy for you I'm sure. You will be in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 340
Hey there, I myself have been addicted to alcohol and more recently opiates. I was also in a totally co dependent relationship with a man who was addicted to marijuana and cocaine about ten years ago. The thing I figured out for me, is that I have to really, really want to get off them deep in my soul. If your husband doesn't, he doesn't. My ex boyfriend did not want it. (He is still a heavy drug user right now). Only he (your husband) can make that choice. I am sure it hurts that it seems like he just gave up on you and your son. That is typical addict behavior though. There comes a point where nothing (not even family, sadly) is more important than the drug or alcohol. I never quite reached that point with myself but I have observed it. The only thing you can really control is your response to all of this. You need to think about your son when you do this. I know this is probably all breaking your heart, as it did to me with my ex boyfriend. In the end, he cared more about drugs than me. I went on with my life and married someone else, who is also in recovery. But I cannot make that decision for you. Again, the only thing you can control is your response to this. Prayers to you. God bless. Feel free to write me back, I am here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 340
And oh yes, there will be much drama, much back and forth, a lot of fighting all of that with someone who is in active addiction. They are not thinking clearly. To me, he crossed a big line when he physically hurt you. But again, only you can make the decision on what is best for you and your son.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: England
Posts: 276
Hi,
I can probably relate to your husband as I had a problem with cocaine but I have no children. You are not pathetic – just a worried wife who is concerned about her husband – it’s natural.
I am guessing that your husband knows that he has a problem but refuses to do anything about it - I was like this for about 18 months as the call of the drug is very powerful. I would look at myself in the mirror the day after using and say never again but I would always go back for more.
Although it did not make me violent it did mess with my head so that I was not thinking straight and the drug was the epi-centre of my life. My family/friends would come second to the drug and on reflection I was a very selfish person by constantly letting people down. Cocaine made me very paranoid and depressed so it’s possible that he is also suffering from these symptoms - hence the mood swings and unpredictable behaviour.
You are correct that he should stop drinking as it went hand in hand with my cocaine use – as soon as I had consumed 3 pints of beer I craved the drug. I would also suggest that he changes his social circle and cuts ties with anyone who uses as temptation is not a friend.
Unfortunately only your husband can decide to enter rehab or quit and this is the
hardest step.
It may be worth checking your husband’s finances as it’s a very expensive habit and people can accumulate big debts.
On a positive note it is possible to stop using as I am almost 1 year clean so please don't think it’s impossible as it can be done. Recovery is a very long bumpy journey but after rehab, cocaine anonymous and psychiatric help my life has greatly improved.
Like most people I needed to hit rock bottom (I was very ill) before I stopped so maybe he has not reached this point yet.
If you need any more advice then let me know and I'll try my best to help you
I can probably relate to your husband as I had a problem with cocaine but I have no children. You are not pathetic – just a worried wife who is concerned about her husband – it’s natural.
I am guessing that your husband knows that he has a problem but refuses to do anything about it - I was like this for about 18 months as the call of the drug is very powerful. I would look at myself in the mirror the day after using and say never again but I would always go back for more.
Although it did not make me violent it did mess with my head so that I was not thinking straight and the drug was the epi-centre of my life. My family/friends would come second to the drug and on reflection I was a very selfish person by constantly letting people down. Cocaine made me very paranoid and depressed so it’s possible that he is also suffering from these symptoms - hence the mood swings and unpredictable behaviour.
You are correct that he should stop drinking as it went hand in hand with my cocaine use – as soon as I had consumed 3 pints of beer I craved the drug. I would also suggest that he changes his social circle and cuts ties with anyone who uses as temptation is not a friend.
Unfortunately only your husband can decide to enter rehab or quit and this is the
hardest step.
It may be worth checking your husband’s finances as it’s a very expensive habit and people can accumulate big debts.
On a positive note it is possible to stop using as I am almost 1 year clean so please don't think it’s impossible as it can be done. Recovery is a very long bumpy journey but after rehab, cocaine anonymous and psychiatric help my life has greatly improved.
Like most people I needed to hit rock bottom (I was very ill) before I stopped so maybe he has not reached this point yet.
If you need any more advice then let me know and I'll try my best to help you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Barrie, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 19
When I was in active addiction, I would do or say anything to be able to use. I don't have a wife or children, but I placed my addiction before everything else in my life. I was a liar and a manipulator. I blamed my problems on everyone else.
In the end I hated who I was and what I was doing with my life, but I could not control myself. I had the support of my family, but I was the one who had to seek treatment and recovery. No one could have done it for me.
Until your husband really want treatment, you need to distance yourself and your son from him. His presence in active addiction will only bring pain.
In the end I hated who I was and what I was doing with my life, but I could not control myself. I had the support of my family, but I was the one who had to seek treatment and recovery. No one could have done it for me.
Until your husband really want treatment, you need to distance yourself and your son from him. His presence in active addiction will only bring pain.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anonymous, NC
Posts: 62
I was addcited to cocaine and then, later, crack cocaine. In short, he won't quit unless he's ready. I'd probaly kick him to the curb unless he seeks treatment.. And if he ever (EVER!) starts smoking the stuff, run like hell..trust me on this one.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
I am an addict as well. I am capable of becoming addicted to anything that will get me high. I managed to stay away form cocaine somehow knowing that it would destroy me even more than what I was doing and that was plenty. The symptoms are the same for all of us as far as general behavior but then there is variation as noted by some earlier posters. The general statement that addicts are self absorbed is generally true. The fact that we will do ANYTHING to protect the ability to get high is always true. Lying, cheating, manipulating others and generally distasteful behavior is always true as well.
The "admission" your husband made is either a frank admission that he knows inside that he wants to quit or a blatant attempt to manipulate the fact that he got caught. By bringing up his "addiction" he was able to turn you from direct confrontation to active offer to support. His behavior since that "admission" pretty much defines which of these it was. I would assume there is something involving sexual cheating in his phone records and he can't admit it so won't show it.
We do things that even though we justify them in the moment inside we know that it is plain stupid wrong. I shudder when I think of some of the incredibly stupidly ridiculous and downright wrong things that I did and cannot believe that I was able to logically justify doing them. I am so lucky I got out before I got caught doing any of these things.
I got out through the support of my wife. She confronted me with obvious evidence that under "normal" circumstances I would have had a damm fine go at denying and manipulating to avoid the obvious truth. instead she happened to hit me at a time when my personal disgust for myself was at an all time high an my addict self protection was consequently at a low. I saw the tears in her eyes, felt the pain that I was causing and simply dropped all of it and quit.
This is very rare as many will testify here. I hated what I was doing and what it was doing to me and to us. I am now coming up on 4 months after going cold turkey.
The statistics for recovery from addiction are terrible. This is my third time around. I was clean for many years and fell into hell after one legitimate pain pill and was gone for three years. So you see, it is never over. It is hard for everyone. Very few make it but those that do are so happy for it.
Only he can do what needs to be done. Only you can decide for yourself.
You can get a lot of good advice here. My time in these forums has been highly rewarding.
The "admission" your husband made is either a frank admission that he knows inside that he wants to quit or a blatant attempt to manipulate the fact that he got caught. By bringing up his "addiction" he was able to turn you from direct confrontation to active offer to support. His behavior since that "admission" pretty much defines which of these it was. I would assume there is something involving sexual cheating in his phone records and he can't admit it so won't show it.
We do things that even though we justify them in the moment inside we know that it is plain stupid wrong. I shudder when I think of some of the incredibly stupidly ridiculous and downright wrong things that I did and cannot believe that I was able to logically justify doing them. I am so lucky I got out before I got caught doing any of these things.
I got out through the support of my wife. She confronted me with obvious evidence that under "normal" circumstances I would have had a damm fine go at denying and manipulating to avoid the obvious truth. instead she happened to hit me at a time when my personal disgust for myself was at an all time high an my addict self protection was consequently at a low. I saw the tears in her eyes, felt the pain that I was causing and simply dropped all of it and quit.
This is very rare as many will testify here. I hated what I was doing and what it was doing to me and to us. I am now coming up on 4 months after going cold turkey.
The statistics for recovery from addiction are terrible. This is my third time around. I was clean for many years and fell into hell after one legitimate pain pill and was gone for three years. So you see, it is never over. It is hard for everyone. Very few make it but those that do are so happy for it.
Only he can do what needs to be done. Only you can decide for yourself.
You can get a lot of good advice here. My time in these forums has been highly rewarding.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
so...is he lying about being addicted? just to turn me away from him getting caught cheating?
he showed me the coke...and said he does it 4-5 times a week. said he wanted to stop but couldnt...and told his family he had a problem.
or are you saying that yes, he is an addict...who happend to get caught cheating?
he showed me the coke...and said he does it 4-5 times a week. said he wanted to stop but couldnt...and told his family he had a problem.
or are you saying that yes, he is an addict...who happend to get caught cheating?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I was addicted to crack, and I went from being an RN to a street-walking prostitute to get the money for the crack. If you new me, that would be the LAST thing anyone would expect from me.
Cocaine is expensive and yes, for many guys it turns them on sexually. He can drain all your expenses before you know it. I also agree with ((Frankinnc)) - if he starts smoking it (crack) - be prepared to lose everything you have materially. My entire household was sold/pawned/and traded for crack while I was stuck in jail with a bf (also crack addict) who told me he was trying to come up with the $165 bond money. Instead, he had a DANDY time with my house full of crackheads (and I don't use that as a derogatory name, I call myself a recovering crackhead) who robbed me blind.
I do want to point one thing out - he is not using AT you or your child. When we are in the throes of addiction, it's all we can think about. I did some REALLY stupid and dangerous stuff, but at the time? Seemed logical to me? My brain had been rewired and all I could think of was getting high.
I wish you the best, and hope you read through the friends & family forums as those people know what you are going through. Oddly enough, I'm active in that forum as I've had/still have active addicts in my life.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Cocaine is expensive and yes, for many guys it turns them on sexually. He can drain all your expenses before you know it. I also agree with ((Frankinnc)) - if he starts smoking it (crack) - be prepared to lose everything you have materially. My entire household was sold/pawned/and traded for crack while I was stuck in jail with a bf (also crack addict) who told me he was trying to come up with the $165 bond money. Instead, he had a DANDY time with my house full of crackheads (and I don't use that as a derogatory name, I call myself a recovering crackhead) who robbed me blind.
I do want to point one thing out - he is not using AT you or your child. When we are in the throes of addiction, it's all we can think about. I did some REALLY stupid and dangerous stuff, but at the time? Seemed logical to me? My brain had been rewired and all I could think of was getting high.
I wish you the best, and hope you read through the friends & family forums as those people know what you are going through. Oddly enough, I'm active in that forum as I've had/still have active addicts in my life.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
thank you for the replies...i know it is true. at times i feel like..."okay...this is my reality." but the next hour, i will be thinking of all kinds of reasons why he is lying to me about being an addict. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he was a functional addict...went to work everyday...paid the bills, etc.
do you think i did the right thing...packing up all of his things and putting him out of the house. i do. he is still not in rehab. his family are enablers and have began attacking me for "putting him in jail", and "keeping our son away from him." my position is that he must enter rehab and then we can discuss visitation.
i feel like my husband blames me for everything. he does not seem remorseful at all. no calls, emails, texts from him...nothing.
he told me that he uses coke 4-5 times a week. and now that he is at his brothers...i often wonder if he is "all better now." that he can really control it and is doing great...living free, away from me and the baby with no responsibility....going to get an apartment, hang with his friends and enjoy the single life.
crazy, i know...but that is how i feel...he just never fought for us. he just bailed.
do you think i did the right thing...packing up all of his things and putting him out of the house. i do. he is still not in rehab. his family are enablers and have began attacking me for "putting him in jail", and "keeping our son away from him." my position is that he must enter rehab and then we can discuss visitation.
i feel like my husband blames me for everything. he does not seem remorseful at all. no calls, emails, texts from him...nothing.
he told me that he uses coke 4-5 times a week. and now that he is at his brothers...i often wonder if he is "all better now." that he can really control it and is doing great...living free, away from me and the baby with no responsibility....going to get an apartment, hang with his friends and enjoy the single life.
crazy, i know...but that is how i feel...he just never fought for us. he just bailed.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Miller)) - SR has an ignore feature - you can access it through the UserCP button, I think. I've only recently used it and had to look around. If you place someone on ignore, you will never see their posts.
I understand you're angry with ((Suki)) but I can also share this ES&H. When I first got here and started dealing with my codependence, there were MANY people who angered me. I'd storm away from the laptop, cussing and fussing. Later on down the road, I would remember some of the things that angered me so much and found out what angered me was they were saying something I didn't want to hear, or asking questions I didn't want to answer.
I'm not saying that will happen with you, it's just that this is a very emotional time and I imagine your feelings are raw. I had to learn to take what I need and leave the rest, but it took TIME.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I understand you're angry with ((Suki)) but I can also share this ES&H. When I first got here and started dealing with my codependence, there were MANY people who angered me. I'd storm away from the laptop, cussing and fussing. Later on down the road, I would remember some of the things that angered me so much and found out what angered me was they were saying something I didn't want to hear, or asking questions I didn't want to answer.
I'm not saying that will happen with you, it's just that this is a very emotional time and I imagine your feelings are raw. I had to learn to take what I need and leave the rest, but it took TIME.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
i know impurrfect...you are right. i know it will take time. it has only been 3 weeks and i am still coming to terms with my new reality. which is devastating. maybe later down the road, i will think differently.
i already feel like a fool, you know? like a pathetic fool...still loving someone who has done all the bad things he has done. but it important for me to try to get the perspective of people that have walked in my husband's shoes.
i already feel like a fool, you know? like a pathetic fool...still loving someone who has done all the bad things he has done. but it important for me to try to get the perspective of people that have walked in my husband's shoes.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Sorry but I am just jumping to the bottom here so I apologize ahead of time if this has already been covered.
Of all those things you asked..the phone records was a deal breaker? If he would have agreed to quit drinking and go to rehab and counceling, it was the phone records?
That doesnt weigh right to me.
Sorry but that would be the last thing I would be worrying about out of all those priorities.
Please dont take this wrong but I am an addict as well as someone who has lived and had to deal with other addicts/ alcoholics. I have been on both sides as well.
Nobody can make him change but himself. The drinking then coke cravings then sex thing is very common. Especially in men in my experience.
He really opened a can of worms when you found that text. I am not trying to defend him just trying to maybe put my perspective on it. Its not easy for addicts to be truthful like that. Especially with their addictions.
If I were you I would talk to him and see what he plans on doing. He would not be alone with my kid until he agrees and does go to some kind of rehab or shows some clean time and effort. But please, stay open minded but dont be naive. Be supportive but not enabling. And most of all for me, communication like grown adults is very important.
Try to understand where he is at. Even if that means going to some kind of counceling yourself.
Of all those things you asked..the phone records was a deal breaker? If he would have agreed to quit drinking and go to rehab and counceling, it was the phone records?
That doesnt weigh right to me.
Sorry but that would be the last thing I would be worrying about out of all those priorities.
Please dont take this wrong but I am an addict as well as someone who has lived and had to deal with other addicts/ alcoholics. I have been on both sides as well.
Nobody can make him change but himself. The drinking then coke cravings then sex thing is very common. Especially in men in my experience.
He really opened a can of worms when you found that text. I am not trying to defend him just trying to maybe put my perspective on it. Its not easy for addicts to be truthful like that. Especially with their addictions.
If I were you I would talk to him and see what he plans on doing. He would not be alone with my kid until he agrees and does go to some kind of rehab or shows some clean time and effort. But please, stay open minded but dont be naive. Be supportive but not enabling. And most of all for me, communication like grown adults is very important.
Try to understand where he is at. Even if that means going to some kind of counceling yourself.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Can I just add too that if he is choosing to cut you guys off, that to me says he isnt ready to deal with the reality yet. so as hard as it may be for you and your son, let him have at it. Because our just going to make yourself crazy otherwise. We only recover when we ourselves are truly ready and willing to put forth the effort it takes to do so.
It seems a little part of him wants to. But he just hasnt hit that point of 'Oh ****' yet.
Let him wallow in his misery for awhile and hopefully it will hit him that he needs to change.
And he is probably selling to use for free. But that wont last long, monkeys cant sell bananas.
I can and never will be able to imagine what I put my family through. My story is very much the same as Impurrfects. I am not far removed from that life style either. But I weill get there and am getting farther away as each day passes.
Good Luck.
It seems a little part of him wants to. But he just hasnt hit that point of 'Oh ****' yet.
Let him wallow in his misery for awhile and hopefully it will hit him that he needs to change.
And he is probably selling to use for free. But that wont last long, monkeys cant sell bananas.
I can and never will be able to imagine what I put my family through. My story is very much the same as Impurrfects. I am not far removed from that life style either. But I weill get there and am getting farther away as each day passes.
Good Luck.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
In my book...protecting a child trumps anything else.
Hope you find peace soon and continue to move forward.
If finances are now a problem...please check with a local lawyer
about how best to proceed ...just in case you need legal assistance.
Hope you find peace soon and continue to move forward.
If finances are now a problem...please check with a local lawyer
about how best to proceed ...just in case you need legal assistance.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
thank you carol...i am getting through this day by day. i am doing everything i can to keep my child protected. it helps to have support. i am really looking forward to going to the nar-anon meeting this evening.
what has also helped is to learn about so many people who have experienced similar situations.
what has also helped is to learn about so many people who have experienced similar situations.
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