Lunamama

god this is hard, so so hard. i can't stop crying and can't sleep and when i do gear is all i dream about

i feel i've come so far but it's hard to carry on

FT

Hi lunamama:

I'm sorry you haven't had any responses, but probably no one knows how to help you. I know you have a 4 year old girl, and I hear your angst in what you are saying.

I worry about your ability to care for yourself, let alone your little girl, with you in this condition. It may be a good idea to head for the closest ER, and take your little girl with you. Get a cab if you have to. Get a friend to take you. Just go.

There is help out there for you. Your little girl deserves a whole parent who can respond to her needs, and you need someone to look out for your safety since you can't sleep or stop crying.

This only day 3. You need help, and you need it today.

FT

Dee74

What are you using for support lunamama?

D

CarolD

luna.........i hope day 4 is smoother for you.
When I de toxed from alcohol...Day 4 was the beginning of my feeling better.

Lunamama

your right, today is better. i had a bad night but today feels better. I feel over the hump and can start to concentrate on the mental side of the dependency.

thanks for the responses. i'm glad i'm doing this, i so want my life back and want so much more for my girl.

As for support...i dont have much but my husband...her dad is here so, although he's working and i'm looking after her alot he is here at night and this weekend which has helped. He does know but does not understand and isn't really that supportive that 'i let myself get into this mess'.

yoga and meditation are helping in the small windows of reprieve that i have

FT

Hi Lunamama:

Good morning, and welcome to SR. It would help to know more about you so we can try to help. You already know that your little girl deserves a set of healthy parents if at all possible, and I'm glad to hear your husband is there. If he is not an addict and does not understand, consider half the battle won, for what it's worth. It is so much more difficult if both of you are struggling to get out of addiction, and even though he may not understand, he will learn as you go. My husband is like that, too. He didn't understand how I could POSSIBLY have gotten addicted, especially more than one time. Especially after it cost us everything we owned once already. Especially after it almost cost us our marriage last time.

No amount of his screaming and begging me to quit worked to make me quit oxys. When you are deep into addiction, your brain doesn't function with "normal" reasoning properties. The "addict brain" part of it wins every time, UNTIL YOU decide to start listening to your rational self. Any little part of your thinking that pushes towards using is not your rational brain talking, and you have to get strong enough not to let it grow any more.

It sounds like maybe you have reached the place where you are ready to make the move to staying clean. Since I don't know what brought you here, other than the obvious addiction you want to leave behind, all I can say for now is that it will be worth it. It may seem that having a "good reason" to quit is enough -- that being the sake of your little girl. I wish that were true. But what is really true is that YOU must decide it is for you as well, or this won't work. Even the threat of losing her may not be enough, although that is big.

I love hearing you have yoga and mediation at your disposal, because those are two things I mention, as do others, to help you. I am not religious per se, but I am spiritual, and I like Ekhart Tolle's books, "A New Earth" being my favorite. The free audio version is available on line. Maybe the print version, too. The audio is really nice for the nights you can't sleep, if you have earphones. He reads the book himself, and his voice is very hypnotic.

Well, enough. I hope you post more.

FT