Want my life back.....
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
Hi m1sgt,
I relapsed after having 12 years of clean time. I went threw the whole cycle again for 3 ½ years. I had to face some things about myself. One being that my life was totally unmanageable from the inside, that is what lead me back to using. I had to take an inventory of who I was, what I was and what my addiction was and how it all effected me staying clean and happy.
Before I relapse, there were things going on in my head that I had to go over in depth. My life and behavior was in shambles, my attitude was really wrong and I wasn't listening to my higher power who was YELLING at me to do just a few things differently.
Keep sharing with us, take the help that comes your way, allow yourself to get better, make meetings, as many as possible... postpone your using thoughts, put in on hold for one-hour at a time, read the chapter "Recovery and Relapse".
http://www.na.org/?ID=litfiles/us_english/IP/EN3106.pdf
In early recovery I remember my head would always want me to continue using, give up on recovery, feel miserable and hopeless so that I get permission to pick up and use. My Sponsor used to tell me back then that just because my head says so doesn't mean I must listen to it... I have a choice... that made a lot of sense to me back then...
Hang in there, we do recover.
TB
I relapsed after having 12 years of clean time. I went threw the whole cycle again for 3 ½ years. I had to face some things about myself. One being that my life was totally unmanageable from the inside, that is what lead me back to using. I had to take an inventory of who I was, what I was and what my addiction was and how it all effected me staying clean and happy.
Before I relapse, there were things going on in my head that I had to go over in depth. My life and behavior was in shambles, my attitude was really wrong and I wasn't listening to my higher power who was YELLING at me to do just a few things differently.
Keep sharing with us, take the help that comes your way, allow yourself to get better, make meetings, as many as possible... postpone your using thoughts, put in on hold for one-hour at a time, read the chapter "Recovery and Relapse".
http://www.na.org/?ID=litfiles/us_english/IP/EN3106.pdf
In early recovery I remember my head would always want me to continue using, give up on recovery, feel miserable and hopeless so that I get permission to pick up and use. My Sponsor used to tell me back then that just because my head says so doesn't mean I must listen to it... I have a choice... that made a lot of sense to me back then...
Hang in there, we do recover.
TB
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
NA is good in a lot of ways ... if you work the program, it puts you in touch w/your spirituality, it gives you a set of guidelines (i.e. here's what you do, and don't do) to use towards getting clean, it makes you feel accountable to a group of other people, you get small 'rewards' for staying clean ... when it may not seem to mean much to the rest of the world, it gives you an outlet/place to talk freely about what's going on in your head, and a new group of people (some will become friends) who really understand the problem and what's going on in your head.
Perhaps most importantly, if you find good meetings, there's a lot of wisdom in those rooms when it comes to the subject of getting and staying clean. If you really participate, you acquire a little 'toolbag' ... new ways of thinking and acting. You learn about the nature of this disease through the stories of others. This was the most important to ME ... maybe to you, it'll be finding God or something, who knows
For example, had you spent a lot of time in meetings, you'd have heard so many stories of people trying to manage their use and having it NOT work that you might well not have entertained this notion that you were going to magically 'learn' to control your intake. In reality, it's almost impossible for people, once they've become addicted in the past (EVER in their life) to 'change' and 'learn' to do that for any length of time.
Lastly ... M1 ... a LOT of people can't just 'do this thing' on their own. If they could, rehab/detox wouldn't be a multi-billion $ industry. You might wanna give that idea some thought my friend. You may not be one of the rare few who can just kick a serious OC habit cold turkey, on their own, at home. No shame in that, Sir. Not many of us around here did it that way, I sure as hell didn't.
Alternatively, given the intake level and length of time you've been on the stuff, you might also want to talk to a doctor about buprenorphine treatment (aka 'subs'). I was at a similar level of OC usage as you at one point (it was a very long 'point', I might add) but I really didn't want to sit in a rehab for a month, so I got a doctor involved and got onto subs. My life started getting better and more manageable IMMEDIATELY. No more chasing OC's on the street, wasting money, no more being loaded all day ... I basically went from feeling and acting like a dope fiend to feeling and acting like a normal person again over the space of a couple days. I won't say it's totally w/o discomfort, but it only takes about a 24-36 hours of feeling crappy to make the transition over to subs, and even that time isn't as bad as 'real' withdrawals. Once you do, regular opioids will no longer 'work' to get you high while your on subs (nor for a couple days after you quit taking them). You won't have any withdrawals, you'll just feel really normal, like before you ever got messed up on dope. It's really kinda miraculous IMHO.
DISCLAIMER: Obviously, again, this is something that you would need to consult a doctor about though, as subs may not be right for you.
Over the course of 7 months under the docs care I weaned down (not nearly as difficult to do w/subs vs. OC) and eventually quit, and the w/d's were much less severe than what they would have been trying to kick at my previous level of OC usage. It still was no picnic, but ... I was able to do it at home, with my mom watching over me basically.
Yesterday I celebrated 3 years clean and sober. So I'm living proof that sub treatment, and a whole messload of AA/NA meetings ... can work
I was kinda thinking 'their yard' was KSA
Perhaps most importantly, if you find good meetings, there's a lot of wisdom in those rooms when it comes to the subject of getting and staying clean. If you really participate, you acquire a little 'toolbag' ... new ways of thinking and acting. You learn about the nature of this disease through the stories of others. This was the most important to ME ... maybe to you, it'll be finding God or something, who knows
For example, had you spent a lot of time in meetings, you'd have heard so many stories of people trying to manage their use and having it NOT work that you might well not have entertained this notion that you were going to magically 'learn' to control your intake. In reality, it's almost impossible for people, once they've become addicted in the past (EVER in their life) to 'change' and 'learn' to do that for any length of time.
Lastly ... M1 ... a LOT of people can't just 'do this thing' on their own. If they could, rehab/detox wouldn't be a multi-billion $ industry. You might wanna give that idea some thought my friend. You may not be one of the rare few who can just kick a serious OC habit cold turkey, on their own, at home. No shame in that, Sir. Not many of us around here did it that way, I sure as hell didn't.
Alternatively, given the intake level and length of time you've been on the stuff, you might also want to talk to a doctor about buprenorphine treatment (aka 'subs'). I was at a similar level of OC usage as you at one point (it was a very long 'point', I might add) but I really didn't want to sit in a rehab for a month, so I got a doctor involved and got onto subs. My life started getting better and more manageable IMMEDIATELY. No more chasing OC's on the street, wasting money, no more being loaded all day ... I basically went from feeling and acting like a dope fiend to feeling and acting like a normal person again over the space of a couple days. I won't say it's totally w/o discomfort, but it only takes about a 24-36 hours of feeling crappy to make the transition over to subs, and even that time isn't as bad as 'real' withdrawals. Once you do, regular opioids will no longer 'work' to get you high while your on subs (nor for a couple days after you quit taking them). You won't have any withdrawals, you'll just feel really normal, like before you ever got messed up on dope. It's really kinda miraculous IMHO.
DISCLAIMER: Obviously, again, this is something that you would need to consult a doctor about though, as subs may not be right for you.
Over the course of 7 months under the docs care I weaned down (not nearly as difficult to do w/subs vs. OC) and eventually quit, and the w/d's were much less severe than what they would have been trying to kick at my previous level of OC usage. It still was no picnic, but ... I was able to do it at home, with my mom watching over me basically.
Yesterday I celebrated 3 years clean and sober. So I'm living proof that sub treatment, and a whole messload of AA/NA meetings ... can work
I was kinda thinking 'their yard' was KSA
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by m1sgt 
Hate to admit this but I am back to square one. I managed to go more then a week. Then the very overpowering feeling of getting pills took over. Its like I have no control of what I was doing. I kept telling myself " awe, I can control the intake". Then before I knew it i was back to taking 20-30 oxy 10mg all overagain. And now I am back to day 3 w/d. How does NA help with the overpowering urge to get more pills?
If you do a little reading you'll find many of us here buy into the idea-100%-that we are powerless over ______ and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Seems you can admit the unmanageablity sp? but are having a difficult time dealing with the 'powerlessness'. Not sure if I have any ideas on how to help you on that last bit.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
Not again
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
M1,
In the hopes that you return sooner rather than later, so that the healing may be shorter rather than longer.
Recently I was a twisted aging crackhead and even more recently I had what might be called a revelation. I have tried many different methods to relieve that calling, that nagging, persistant vioce or thought that just won't shut up and made believe that some impending doom would happen if I did not feed the need.
Well I think "it" died or more likely fell asleep. Now I can't say what exactly caused that to happen, but I do know I don't want to wake it up again. And I think maybe if "it" sleeps long enough "it" will die of starvation. So heres my plan... I shall attempt to keep it very qiuet and peacefully inside my head, and if the niose and chatter start to increase I must turn to that in which I find comfort and solace, I have chosen that which many refer to as a "higher power" or "the God of my understanding". Funny thing is it seems I am the only one with this particular understanding.
Now don't get me wrong, it may actually be the same God as the next guy's (i'm pretty sure it is) we just seem to have a different understanding. The really funny thing is that my God is pleased when I am happy. And by happy I mean serene, content, peaceful etc.
So it's pretty much a win/win situation for me I stay happy and I don't smoke crack. Not a bad deal, eh? So now I spend my time trying to find comfort in distressing moments and helping others do the same.
I realize we all can't find the relief we seek in the same fashion, but I do know this you can't stay sad if your smiling...think about it sometime.
Regards,
Larry
In the hopes that you return sooner rather than later, so that the healing may be shorter rather than longer.
Recently I was a twisted aging crackhead and even more recently I had what might be called a revelation. I have tried many different methods to relieve that calling, that nagging, persistant vioce or thought that just won't shut up and made believe that some impending doom would happen if I did not feed the need.
Well I think "it" died or more likely fell asleep. Now I can't say what exactly caused that to happen, but I do know I don't want to wake it up again. And I think maybe if "it" sleeps long enough "it" will die of starvation. So heres my plan... I shall attempt to keep it very qiuet and peacefully inside my head, and if the niose and chatter start to increase I must turn to that in which I find comfort and solace, I have chosen that which many refer to as a "higher power" or "the God of my understanding". Funny thing is it seems I am the only one with this particular understanding.
Now don't get me wrong, it may actually be the same God as the next guy's (i'm pretty sure it is) we just seem to have a different understanding. The really funny thing is that my God is pleased when I am happy. And by happy I mean serene, content, peaceful etc.
So it's pretty much a win/win situation for me I stay happy and I don't smoke crack. Not a bad deal, eh? So now I spend my time trying to find comfort in distressing moments and helping others do the same.
I realize we all can't find the relief we seek in the same fashion, but I do know this you can't stay sad if your smiling...think about it sometime.
Regards,
Larry
Big Idiot Man Child
Join Date: May 2004
Location: La
Posts: 5,664
Glad to see you back, man. Sometimes you just gotta do detox and rehab. Some folks just have to get away from the source(doctors, dopeman). If you have the cash you can go "undercover" without alerting insurance companies or your insurance company or the government may pay for it.
Something to think about.
Thanks for your sacrifice and thanks for coming back.
It's a B1TCH, we know.
Something to think about.
Thanks for your sacrifice and thanks for coming back.
It's a B1TCH, we know.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
