fibermaster

Hello,

In the 60th hour and all that mental momentum I had going has turned to sludge. I feel like I am not going to make it. Did this cold turkey and noone in my life knows anything. Wife thinks I have the flu. Have to get to work monday morning so have 1 and a half more days to recover. I do not feel like I am going to make it. I was so hopeful, and the pain from my initial injury is not even present. I will deal with that later. Have been taking about 160mg OC for about 1 and a half years. No taper.

I have been taking tons of vitamins, especially B's. Also about 3000mg of L-Tyrisone.

Any words of wisdom? The physical part is killing me but the mental part is worse, feel so deppressed.

Anything helps,

fibermaster

Daisy09

No wisdom, but lots of empathy and good wishes, for what they're worth

~Daisy

fibermaster

Well thanks Daisy, I do believe its they are worth something.

Sugah

You're likely to turn a corner physically in the next twelve to thirty-six hours. Hang on, and if the mental part is that tough and you think you're dealing with something beyond physical dependence, pick up the phone and call the NA Helpline. Here's the only one listed near Edmonds:

(Everett) 425-609-6170

Your local phone book might have another that's not listed.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

fibermaster

Sugah I hope you are right about turning a corner. Id better turn one mentally soon too, because I am not very good at reaching out. In fact, writing to this board is more than I have ever done, but am very desperate.

northbelle

Yeah you are SUPPOSED to feel really crappy right now...I feel for you going through it the way you are though..No support. I remember I once had to kick a methadone habit and could NOT miss a day of work....I will NEVER forget it...I was front desk receptionist. Thank god I could sit down . I could hardly walk to my desk ! But I tell ya it helped me to just go in anyway...I may of never made it....
I know it is really intense suffering right now...that awful jonesing part too, I wanted to be clena...but the price seemed huge...Now in retrosspect...thank god I made it through that!! My recovery is still precarious at times but NOTHING like the first day or couple of days...I kicked heroin here at my place with no car ..no food....all alone for 5 days until my son came home on day 6....I remember smiling..>TRYING to act ok....but I made it through and hope he never has to go through that again with me!!!
Well on my way toa meeting to plan a picnic for the nightime group I go to....Yeah get to a meeting...its the place to be when you are hurtin from this disease..
love north

fibermaster

Well thanks for the words North. Who knows maybe I do end up going to a mtg or 2 but I cant even leave the house right now. Too sick.

fibermaster

Going crazy, feel so horrible. Sooooo sad. Feel like such a wimp. I do not know how long I can take it. It takes every piece of me to just sit here and type....about 61 and 1/2 hours now with nothing.

Melvins99

Good job man! Do yourself a favor though, don't count the hours! Find some thing to do that doesn't involve much thought or physicality, like a shower or bath, a movie or program you like? I don't know..not much longer and you'll be half way back to your old self. Whats helped me is just hanging out at home and rewinding my life, in my mind, everything prior to a few years ago was pills/hard drugs free for me, so theres alot to retrospect on..bad and good, it dont matter, the temptation wasn't there.
Keep it up sir it will improve I promise.

christin1225

Hang in there, friend. After this is over you will NEVER have to do this again! I finally told my husband and was so glad when in the midst of withdrawal. He was wonderful.

I don't know what you have sitting in your med cabinet, but if you've been prescribed Neurontin (Gabapentin) it can help with withdrawal. I just took it as directed (not even knowing that it would help).

Fibermaster... if it comes down to feeling better by giving-in or being able to get help at an ER or by calling a doctor and you need to tell your wife, please tell your wife! I understand wanting to do this without a spouse's knowledge. I tried for months. It's a very hard way to go.

Whatever you do, don't throw away 65+ hours! They are 65+ hours that you never have to do again. It will soon get better. It always does!

My heart is with you right now, as are my prayers.

Nallabelle

it took me a long time of struggling and relapse to finally listen to all the people who told me to go to NA. You think you can handle recovery without it in the beginning. Like you are somehow different than all these people with more recovery time than you that NA has worked for.
I finally started getting more iinvolved with NA last week. I have to say its helping.
You are so close to having the hard part be over. SOOO close. Dont let the suffering you went through for these last few days of detox be a waste. You slip up and its over. Trust me I have done it. Be mad at what this drug is making you feel like right now and use that as fuel to keep going. Keep posting, it helps.

fibermaster

Thanks so much everyone for the words, they help.

Its been 72 hours now. Not sure how I feel. But did sleep last night. Still not eating but drinking tons of water and vitamins.

Not going to give in, even though I feel mentally beaten down. I am finding it hard to see the happiness in being clean for 72 hours. I feel like I should be proud of myself for going this long but its just not there.

fibermaster

Also I understand about telling the wife. But I am not doing it. I would be opening such a huge can of worms. I would get support now, but its once I recover I would be paying for it, forever. I went wrong by not telling her from day 1 that I was taking them for my back, so this is what I get.

Sugah

Does this mean you have some kind of history with addiction? I don't want to be prognosticating (I'm from Punxsutawney, and there are enough folks here who do it without me joining in), though I would offer you this caution. I've known a lot of folks, myself included, who talk about having a period of "controlled" using followed by a clean period followed by an uncontrolled relapse. There's something about pissing off Mr. Addiction that makes him grab you by the cojones first chance he gets. It's really hard to overcome an addiction alone. Impossible? Maybe not. But brutally hard.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Timebuster

Its not telling your wife. Its telling on you. There is a big difference between the two. After telling on your self you will feel the relief of the guilt you been holding on for all this time. Guilt keep us in denial.

We have to get brutally honest with our selves and love ones if we want to move forward in our recovery.

Ivan

northbelle

I just SO feel for you!! SO if you are in need of some sympathy hun...you got it from old northbelle...I can't even imagine goign through what you are...
I just want to say a few things so allow me to rant....being addicted to drugs does not equal being a BAD person...I used to see asking for help as such WEAK thing....when in truth...it takes great STRENGTH..I just hate to see anyone go through this alone and trying to HIDE it in the same breath.....
Not trying to scare you either but what you do in the dark ....always comes to the light in one way or another...But I am SOOOOO glad that you can come here and be HONEST...Addiction is a disease of LIES....So fiber dude.....you keep coming here and speaking your truth...no matter what that may be for you....WE HAVE to get honest...somewhere...and I am glad that you are reaching out here..

"Just because you got the monkey off you back ...does not mean the circus has left town!".....
Keep talkin ...I am amazed and happy for what you getting off that dope!!! And yes...it is DOPE....even if the doc prescribes it ....

Keep posting.....keep posting...
love north

fibermaster

Thank you all for just commenting, it continues to be helpful and insightful.

I shouldnt be counting the hours but cant help it, 75 hours so far with no opiates and little of anything at all. I have my daughters championship softball game at 2pm. Cant imagine missing my 10 year old little girls game for anything. And my God think if I missed it because of this crap. I never miss anything like this with her or the rest of my family. My back injury put me on this crap, but it was me I believe that kept chasing them daily to cope with heavy work loads and a very active family/home life. I thank God that this game was not at the 48 mark. I may have actually missed this game, to me that would be so hard to get over once sober and fully aware of the change that was taking place the more I those med's. I still feel horrible but yes better. No choice for work at 7am tomorrow morning and have doubts if I am there yet so am having a lot of anxiety about that.

To answer the question do I have a history of additction; I dont think so, others might, but never anything close to bottom or anything like that. Smoke a little bit of marijuana. Not daily, have quite for weeks and months at a time and had NO trouble. Dont drink, or do any other drugs out there. Have been on perc's many times for different injuries, 2 weeks at a time thing, and never had any troubles when the bottle was empty. I am 36 and it is just this last 18 months that I felt the lure of them when not in my system. Havent ever robbed or cheated to get them. So I dont know enough about this to answer the question but maybe some would say Im now an addict.?

Thanks so much northbelle. I understand about what you are saying about opening up and being truthfull. So far when I weigh the difference of telling my wife or not, the not wins by a large margin. Maybe this will change with time and I will feel differently.

Timebuster I agree with you and I think its too early to tell what I'll do.

Cannot wait to watch my daughter play in an hour, and glad Im sober doing it.

kj3880

Fibermaster,
I am so proud of you! You are incredibly strong and brave. I never did cold-turkey, but you inspire me and now I wish I had. It's definitely a stronger way to get off. They say if you can go off of dope cold-turkey, that will help you not to relapse every time you think about the kicking. That being said, your wd symptoms are not at all bad for the size of habit you had (160 mg). I only took 40 mg a day, and it kicked my butt when I tried to taper off. I'm very surprised you aren't hanging onto the old porcelain god right now, I sure would be.

You are doing so great. Hang in there, it will only get better. And take their suggestion about going to NA. I have a similar story to yours, no other drug use except perc and oxy, good job, only about a year on it, but I needed the support at NA to kick and stay clean. And I so enjoy being a part of it.

Love,
KJ

And if it helps at all, I'm 14 months clean, and I decided not to ever tell my family. My son has a big mouth, and I want to keep my security clearance. I don't know if you can trust your wife to tell her about your disease, but if you can maybe it will be easier for you. I wish I could tell people. It's hard leading a double life. That's a reason NA is real important for people like you and I, because we can't discuss or get help for our disease at home.

northbelle

Wow..you should be so proud of what you are doing!! I can't BELIEVE your makin it!!!!! It just makes me feel good!! Thank you for coming here...and you are really opening up...your posts are getting longer and longer!!!!
yippppeee
love north

christin1225

Fibermaster, it really matters what you would say. Here's some questions from a piece of NA literature. It might help you. It helped me.

Perhaps you admit you have a problem with drugs, but you don’t consider yourself an addict. All of us have preconceived ideas about what an addict is. There is nothing shameful about being an addict once you begin to take positive action. If you can identify with our problems, you may be able to identify with our solution. The following questions were written by recovering addicts in Narcotics Anonymous. If you have doubts about whether or not you’re an addict, take a few moments to read the questions below and answer them as honestly as you can.

1. Do you ever use alone? Yes  No 
2. Have you ever substituted one drug for another, thinking that one particular drug was the problem? Yes  No 
3. Have you ever manipulated or lied to a doctor to obtain prescription drugs? Yes  No 
4. Have you ever stolen drugs or stolen to obtain drugs? Yes  No 
5. Do you regularly use a drug when you wake up or when you go to bed? Yes  No 
6. Have you ever taken one drug to overcome the effects of another?
Yes  No 
7. Do you avoid people or places that do not approve of you using drugs? Yes  No 
8. Have you ever used a drug without knowing what it was or what it would do to you? Yes  No 
9. Has your job or school performance ever suffered from the effects of your drug use? Yes  No 
10. Have you ever been arrested as a result of using drugs? Yes  No 
11. Have you ever lied about what or how much you use? Yes  No 
12. Do you put the purchase of drugs ahead of your financial responsibilities? Yes  No 
13. Have you ever tried to stop or control your using? Yes  No 
14. Have you ever been in a jail, hospital, or drug rehabilitation center because of your using? Yes  No 
15. Does using interfere with your sleeping or eating? Yes  No 
16. Does the thought of running out of drugs terrify you? Yes  No 
17. Do you feel it is impossible for you to live without drugs? Yes  No 
18. Do you ever question your own sanity? Yes  No 
19. Is your drug use making life at home unhappy? Yes  No 
20. Have you ever thought you couldn’t fit in or have a good time
without drugs? Yes  No 
21. Have you ever felt defensive, guilty, or ashamed about your using?
Yes  No 
22. Do you think a lot about drugs? Yes  No 
23. Have you had irrational or indefinable fears? Yes  No 
24. Has using affected your sexual relationships? Yes  No 
25. Have you ever taken drugs you didn’t prefer? Yes  No 
26. Have you ever used drugs because of emotional pain or stress?
Yes  No 
27. Have you ever overdosed on any drugs? Yes  No 
28. Do you continue to use despite negative consequences? Yes  No 
29. Do you think you might have a drug problem? Yes  No 

“Am I an addict?” This is a question only you can answer. We found that we all answered different numbers of these questions “Yes.” The actual number of “Yes” responses wasn’t as important as how we felt inside and how addiction had affected our lives.

Some of these questions don’t even mention drugs. This is because addiction is an insidious disease that affects all areas of our lives—even those areas which seem at first to have little to do with drugs. The different drugs we used were not as important as why we used them and what they did to us.
When we first read these questions, it was frightening for us to think we might be addicts.

I'm so glad that you are starting to feel better. Sleep is such a good thing, isn't it?! You're doing a great job.