7 months down the line... still haunts me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: GA
Posts: 9
7 months down the line... still haunts me
hey guys and girls, i just registered here, and im really looking forward to helping others and getting some help myself.
quick background:
my sobriety date is april 16th, the day i got arrested at 5.30 am and speant the rest of the week in jail.
at the time, i was dealing a lot of drugs, and was a daily user of cocaine, marijuana and xanax.
id been using xanax for the better part of a year, and upon arrest had consumed about 50mg in a 2 .5 day bender. i was averaging 20mg+ a day, and of course upon ceasing from taking it, suffered massive withdrawls, mainly while incarcerated.
its now been close to 8 months, and after time in rehab/detox, im well on my way to a new life. its been extremely difficult, as i had to leave my state of indiana, to move back home in atlanta. partly for legal/ safety reasons, and mostly to escape the pressures of friends and associates still involved in drugs.
for the better part of 7 months, ive speant my time isolated in my room, as there is little in the way of people my age around here to associate with, let alone sober people. i spend my time painting and sculpting and playing guitar, hobbies that i lost touch with for many many years. i also attend weekly therapy, as well as a monthly shrink meeting, and occasionally some NA meetings, although i never started my 12 steps, and found i could manage without it, for now at least.
while xanax coke and pot were my main vices, i did not stop at just those. while i was selling mainly those 3, i also sold and abused oxycontin, other pk's, ecstasy, mushrooms and all that other nasty stuff.
the 3 days prior to the arrest, i had been up doing coke, a lot of xanax, oxycontin mixed with the coke and xanax, taken several ecstasy pills and smoked myself into a stupor.
looking back, i was a mess. i was 115lbs when released from jail, and im 6'2"... needless to say ive gained over 60 lbs since then. while i find it hard in all areas of being sober, and hard to not think about all drugs, the ones i find myself always stuck with are the coke and the E.
i had only been doing coke for a few months before the arrest, but it had such an impact on me. i went from 0 to 100 in a matter of days, and was totally hooked fronm the get go. i find myself dreaming about it, my thoughts constantly return to stories of doing copious ammounts at parties and all the other terrible events that occured.
im really curious to know how other people are dealing with specifically stimulant cravings, as i always considered myself a "downer" kind of person, but the stimulants were my secret passion. im really tired of dreaming about endless white lines and rolled up bills, and would love to hear some tips on what i can do to rid myself of these kind of thoughts, or at least help to subside them.
thanks all!
quick background:
my sobriety date is april 16th, the day i got arrested at 5.30 am and speant the rest of the week in jail.
at the time, i was dealing a lot of drugs, and was a daily user of cocaine, marijuana and xanax.
id been using xanax for the better part of a year, and upon arrest had consumed about 50mg in a 2 .5 day bender. i was averaging 20mg+ a day, and of course upon ceasing from taking it, suffered massive withdrawls, mainly while incarcerated.
its now been close to 8 months, and after time in rehab/detox, im well on my way to a new life. its been extremely difficult, as i had to leave my state of indiana, to move back home in atlanta. partly for legal/ safety reasons, and mostly to escape the pressures of friends and associates still involved in drugs.
for the better part of 7 months, ive speant my time isolated in my room, as there is little in the way of people my age around here to associate with, let alone sober people. i spend my time painting and sculpting and playing guitar, hobbies that i lost touch with for many many years. i also attend weekly therapy, as well as a monthly shrink meeting, and occasionally some NA meetings, although i never started my 12 steps, and found i could manage without it, for now at least.
while xanax coke and pot were my main vices, i did not stop at just those. while i was selling mainly those 3, i also sold and abused oxycontin, other pk's, ecstasy, mushrooms and all that other nasty stuff.
the 3 days prior to the arrest, i had been up doing coke, a lot of xanax, oxycontin mixed with the coke and xanax, taken several ecstasy pills and smoked myself into a stupor.
looking back, i was a mess. i was 115lbs when released from jail, and im 6'2"... needless to say ive gained over 60 lbs since then. while i find it hard in all areas of being sober, and hard to not think about all drugs, the ones i find myself always stuck with are the coke and the E.
i had only been doing coke for a few months before the arrest, but it had such an impact on me. i went from 0 to 100 in a matter of days, and was totally hooked fronm the get go. i find myself dreaming about it, my thoughts constantly return to stories of doing copious ammounts at parties and all the other terrible events that occured.
im really curious to know how other people are dealing with specifically stimulant cravings, as i always considered myself a "downer" kind of person, but the stimulants were my secret passion. im really tired of dreaming about endless white lines and rolled up bills, and would love to hear some tips on what i can do to rid myself of these kind of thoughts, or at least help to subside them.
thanks all!
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Welcome retro!
It is good to have you here.
For me, what it took to complete relieve my obsession was getting involved in a recovery program and yes, working the 12 steps. Yup, I know I could stay sober without the fellowship and the 12 steps but I want and deserve SO much more than that. Today, I am finding myself, living in today and have some peace from the "committee" for the first time in years.
Again, welcome, & keep posting!
It is good to have you here.
For me, what it took to complete relieve my obsession was getting involved in a recovery program and yes, working the 12 steps. Yup, I know I could stay sober without the fellowship and the 12 steps but I want and deserve SO much more than that. Today, I am finding myself, living in today and have some peace from the "committee" for the first time in years.
Again, welcome, & keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 333
Welcome Retro and congratulations on 7 months clean!!!
I was also hooked on oxy's (I was also doing coke, heroin, ecstacy, percs, vikes, morphine, valium, xanax, you know what I mean) but oc's were my DOC, they were the love of my life for 6 years. I still grin when I think about how they made me feel.
I have only been clean for 27 days, so I do not have any advice to give really, I still dream about it, I still think about it, but I have not gone back. I don't know if I will or not, I pray to God I am strong enough not to. I have not done the NA thing, I went to one and was hit so hard by the desire to hit someone there up for some that I never went back. I started the 12 steps on my own but realized I need guidance in that so I have not started yet.
The last time I did an OC was 8 months ago, but I had been on methadone for 2 years, I stopped going to the clinic 27 days ago.
I have hope from reading what others in recovery for over a year have posted that the obsession with it will go away as well as the cravings. I don't know if they will for me or not, I have always had issues with depression, suicide and anxiety so for me, the drugs were what I looked forward to in my life (like for many others).
Anyway, just the fact that you have made it this long and are doing well gives me hope for myself. Maybe those memories and urges are something that we have to live with to remind ourselves of what that "feeling" can turn us into. The thing is, after going through what I did and seeing what I turned myself into, I would rather be down and tired and learn how to deal with it then go back to the shell of a heartless person that the drugs turned me into. Even saying that I am still smiling about how they made me feel. Twisted, I know.
I was also hooked on oxy's (I was also doing coke, heroin, ecstacy, percs, vikes, morphine, valium, xanax, you know what I mean) but oc's were my DOC, they were the love of my life for 6 years. I still grin when I think about how they made me feel.
I have only been clean for 27 days, so I do not have any advice to give really, I still dream about it, I still think about it, but I have not gone back. I don't know if I will or not, I pray to God I am strong enough not to. I have not done the NA thing, I went to one and was hit so hard by the desire to hit someone there up for some that I never went back. I started the 12 steps on my own but realized I need guidance in that so I have not started yet.
The last time I did an OC was 8 months ago, but I had been on methadone for 2 years, I stopped going to the clinic 27 days ago.
I have hope from reading what others in recovery for over a year have posted that the obsession with it will go away as well as the cravings. I don't know if they will for me or not, I have always had issues with depression, suicide and anxiety so for me, the drugs were what I looked forward to in my life (like for many others).
Anyway, just the fact that you have made it this long and are doing well gives me hope for myself. Maybe those memories and urges are something that we have to live with to remind ourselves of what that "feeling" can turn us into. The thing is, after going through what I did and seeing what I turned myself into, I would rather be down and tired and learn how to deal with it then go back to the shell of a heartless person that the drugs turned me into. Even saying that I am still smiling about how they made me feel. Twisted, I know.
OMG everything's real
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: England
Posts: 4,020
I did my last E over three years ago, and I still dream about it. It's taken me a looooong time to get over that particular love affair! I can relate to you on that one.
I just white knuckled it! I go to meetings now, and read loads of na/aa literature. And I have days where I actually feel OK with the world. Maybe you should go more, to meetings, you know, meet more people and stuff.
I also relate to you having to isolate yourself, becoz I manage OK if I keep myself under lock and key. As soon as I go out, I'm off again, on whatever comes to hand!
I just white knuckled it! I go to meetings now, and read loads of na/aa literature. And I have days where I actually feel OK with the world. Maybe you should go more, to meetings, you know, meet more people and stuff.
I also relate to you having to isolate yourself, becoz I manage OK if I keep myself under lock and key. As soon as I go out, I'm off again, on whatever comes to hand!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 34
I also find it so darn hard, like today the thing for me is where I work, there are friggin street dealers every 3 steps practically, and I can see the deals going on which ever way I look, but I at least have the common sense to know that I dont want what they got, but that doesnt help with the constant nag in my head today telling me to go out and get me a bump, FFS go away you devil! I dont want you here no more!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Dirty Jerz... Duh :)
Posts: 85
I have to second what TTOSBT said. I'll try to add a little of my experience. Where I am from I am blessed to be surrounded by a lot of meetings. The group I go to has them all day long. I am also surrounded with bars, liquor stores, and all of the people I bought and sold drugs with. Needless to say I no longer associate with those so-called friends. Not one of them has come knocking at the door since I got clean and got rid of my phone. So I don't have the experience of moving out of town, but I have had to change just about everything I knew of.
In a nutshell I go to a ton of meetings. I had been to them before, on and off for years, putting together a little time here and there. I wondered why I kept failing eventually, and why I couldn't shake my old lifestyle. The only thing I have done differently this time is get involved with the meetings. I really didn't want to give it a chance, but I was left without options. What I have found is that there are a lot of benefits that come with regular attendance at meetings.
As was already remarked, that obsession has gotten less and less. When it does come on me, and make no mistake it does, I can talk to someone about it. I was never one to ask for help but since I have life has been a lot better. You said you have trouble meeting people in your area, especially sober ones. In my experience there are plenty at meetings. I have made some friends that I never would have had before. People that are friends for something other than connections or sharing our misery. You may have to try different meetings until you find one you like, but you will find one. Make it a point to go there regularly and introduce yourself to people. Although they will probably put their hands out to you if you happen to be shy.
So basically what I'm saying is give the meetings a shot and try to get involved. Get your hand up in the meeting, and get there early/stay late. It will help with those cravings, and I promise you will meet some truly great people. There are traps and pitfalls, even in meetings. Stick with people who are about staying clean, not getting a relationship or borrowing money. If you give it a shot I'll bet you will be surprised, or I'll give you your money back
.
In a nutshell I go to a ton of meetings. I had been to them before, on and off for years, putting together a little time here and there. I wondered why I kept failing eventually, and why I couldn't shake my old lifestyle. The only thing I have done differently this time is get involved with the meetings. I really didn't want to give it a chance, but I was left without options. What I have found is that there are a lot of benefits that come with regular attendance at meetings.
As was already remarked, that obsession has gotten less and less. When it does come on me, and make no mistake it does, I can talk to someone about it. I was never one to ask for help but since I have life has been a lot better. You said you have trouble meeting people in your area, especially sober ones. In my experience there are plenty at meetings. I have made some friends that I never would have had before. People that are friends for something other than connections or sharing our misery. You may have to try different meetings until you find one you like, but you will find one. Make it a point to go there regularly and introduce yourself to people. Although they will probably put their hands out to you if you happen to be shy.
So basically what I'm saying is give the meetings a shot and try to get involved. Get your hand up in the meeting, and get there early/stay late. It will help with those cravings, and I promise you will meet some truly great people. There are traps and pitfalls, even in meetings. Stick with people who are about staying clean, not getting a relationship or borrowing money. If you give it a shot I'll bet you will be surprised, or I'll give you your money back
.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: In the sun, by the beach
Posts: 189
Time, time, time. Stay in a positive environment. Structured supervised environments helped me get through the first months. Building a positive life, having other passions replace my love of my DOCs, made cravings a distant memory. I was clean for about 15 years, then started using again when I started taking pain meds for some injuries. I thought I could handle the "weak" opiates after all those years clean. WRONG! I did not make full use of 12 step programs, but you may find them helpful. I did apply many of the concepts to my life, even if I didn't go to meetings. If I had gone to meetings, even once in a while, I might not have used again.
Keep trying to find those passions that you love more than getting high. Good luck!
Keep trying to find those passions that you love more than getting high. Good luck!
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
Welcome to SR! thanks for sharing. I was a meth addict in the 80's, got clean in 91. The only way to stop the thougts were to keep busy, just what you are doing. The longer amount of time I put between lines and the here and now the thoughts ceased. I can honestly say that I never have any lines thoughts or dreams unless I see it on a drug show, intervention, or a movie or show where ppl are doing lines.
I also thought I had everything down, never worked my steps and and relapsed after 8 long years.
I am now working a program of recovery, meetings, sponsor, the whole thing and I feel a lot better. Also making new clean and sober friends has been such a lifesaver for me!
Take care, keep posting! Sheila
I also thought I had everything down, never worked my steps and and relapsed after 8 long years.
I am now working a program of recovery, meetings, sponsor, the whole thing and I feel a lot better. Also making new clean and sober friends has been such a lifesaver for me!
Take care, keep posting! Sheila
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