danib

the term dual-diagnosis usually refers to substance abusers who are also mentally ill, but i think it should be expanded to include those who are chronically ill or injured in physical ways too. my mother is actually an expert in this field, once the head of a state agency she is now retired but still travels all over the US to evaluate rehabs & give her opions. for many years she has tried to convince me it was ok to take meds if you need them in sobriety. for 9 years i have refused. i very much appreciate all of the advice & support i have been given here, but i have made the decision to take the medications. i have no intention of giving up my search for an answer that doesnt involve meds, but in the mean time i will be searching while pain free. please understand how hard this decision has been, how long i have been in pain & that every time i try a new recommendation it takes time to make the appointment, etc. & that every minute that i wait i am in pain & that every failed attempt is a roller coaster ride for me & my family. the pain has won, i have conceded to the medications after finding a doctor that i really trust. this is a huge step for me, & i really need understanding while i struggle with the implications - the feelings i will have of shame & guilt, & fighting the loss of pride & self-esteem that i get from full sobriety. keep in mind that the ultimate authority is the book, the the book says "we are not physicians." the meds are making me feel well, i have energy & while i have always been a pretty happy person, i usually struggle to be happy while in pain - the meds have made pain bearable & happiness no effort.
thank you - i am so happy to have found this place, & i want you all to understand so that i can continue to be fully honest & get the support i've been enjoying here.

Sugah

danib, I'm glad you've come to a decision, and it's obvious you haven't come to it lightly. I feel, from your post, that you're trying to justify your reasons to us. Perhaps I'm misinterpreting it--that it's instead a statement of honesty and accountability. Please forgive me! I'm still on my first cup of coffee!

A phrase came to mind while I was reading, and I think it's saved many of us from taking that wrong mental turn that leads back to active addiction: "To thine own self, be true." If you're talking to others, especially face to face where you can look into the eyes of another (I can't recall if you have a 12 step sponsor?) and monitoring yourself, asking yourself the tough questions, such as, "Am I taking this because I need it, or because it's time for the dose & I like how it makes me feel?" as well as practicing full honesty with your health care providers, you'll be okay.

It's when we start telling ourselves that we "deserve" relief (I'm talking more mental than physical here) because of what we have to deal instead of honestly asking ourselves if we need the relief medication can provide, we start to slip back into that "You don't understand what I go through!!" victim mentality. That's a large part of why I drank, why I used street drugs, and why it was so difficult for me to make a decision to surrender my addiction to prescribed opiate drugs.

On the other hand, and this is coming from someone who chooses the pain over the pill today, we usually don't do anyone any good hanging on the cross. When the pain removes quality of life, it's probably time to start looking into solutions, keeping in mind that we can't use this stuff with impunity like others might, and so we've got to have accountability checks along the way to keep us on the right path.

I'll keep you in my prayers, danib!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

ccgirl

Danib, what a level head you have. Keep on posting, let us know how you're doing!

danib

thanks guys, yeah Sugah you are probably right - there is probably some justification there. but not to you all as much as to myself? bear with me, sometimes i think outloud & it's nice to have you all to check my thoughts. ok, guess it's time to confess - i do not have a sponsor. as i posted back when i told my story, i did the wrong thing & my boyfriend was my sponsor. of course we both knew that wasn't right, but he was really good at it. it worked for me for my first years of sobriety until we both realized it had to stop - simply because we just weren't following the rules. we both married wonderful people & have stayed friends but i do not go to meetings - as of course my chronic pain keeps me mainly house bound a lot. that's why, again, i'm very happy to have found you all - but yes, i need a sponsor. i made a few attempts at gettin' one & it never worked out so i just stuck to the books. it has served me well, but i know i face a new challenge here. do you all do online sponsorship, here on the board?
thanks for bringing that issue up Sugah.
i am choosing the pill over the pain. after many years of losing friends & even family who didn't understand but being unwilling to take a pill to please them, i began to not even be able to enjoy the activities of my own daily life in my own home. when i can't even be with my husband & take care of my little cat family, then it's time - for me, not for anyone else. i damaged myself taking too many of the over the counter meds because i was trying so desperately not to take anything RX. that struggle just needs to end for now. i have pain today & may need to once again go back to my osteopath, but it's been a few days this time & that's better than i've done for a month!

Impurrfect

Danib -

I have a stepsister who is going through pretty much the same thing. She has chronic pain from fibromyalgia and migraines and has been on pain meds for a while. She got into trouble when her Dr. prescribed her Klonopin and even after she told him she thought she was abusing it and becoming addicted, he told her it wasn't addictive.

Luckily, she realized otherwise and 3 weeks ago had to check herself in for detox. She is working with a wonderful addictionologist. He normally will not allow his patients to take ANY type of narcotic, but he is allowing her to take Lortab and Fioricet, when needed, because of her pain. For some reason, she does not abuse those meds and feels no need to take them unless the pain becomes unbearable.

Like you, she's tried pretty much every alternative and either her stomach can't handle it or her heart can't (she also has a bad heart).

Some people will disagree and say she's "still not clean" but I disagree. She has 2 small children (6 and 22 months old) and physically cannot take care of them on days when she has really bad pain or a migraine.

I think you've thought about this a lot, suffered a lot, and are doing what's best for you. Keep us posted.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

danib

it kills me when doctors dont' understand that the person is the problem not the pill. I am addictive, i can abuse anything you give me - the properties of the pill iteself do not matter. the only reason i am taking anything now is because i have finally found a doc who understands that.
best to your sister, i wish her luck.
i found out recently that my doc who i adore took care of my beloved Gran when she was in the home with Altzheimer's. she passed away last Feb, & she was like a 3rd parent to me - coincidence or HP? who am i to say, but i sure was pleaed when i learned that the man i trust with my life now is the one who treated her.

shockozulu

I started a thread on this a while ago, and I think I will start a new one. I always feel alone in that I need pain medication to do daily activities. This after attempting everything from biofeedback to yoga to over 25 prophylactic non-narcotic drugs.

I have noticed there are several of us the last week or so, and I have started a thread for us. Please feel free to join us.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ion-users.html

danib

thank you! i can't wait to go read it - thanks!