Scaredykat's Story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, N.Y.
Posts: 4,639
Scaredykat's Story
I grew up in mostly small towns my whole life. Both of my parents were non-drinkers. They might have a drink on New Year’s Eve. Notice I said ‘A drink’. It was also a crazy dysfunctional family with lots of abuse.
I had my first drink at the age of 17. I fell in love with it first sip. It helped me with my shyness, gave me confidence, and I definitely thought it helped me fit in with everyone. I've felt like a misfit my whole life and have low self-esteem and self worth.
My drinking ended with me in my 40's and drinking all alone on the couch and not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. I ended up a housewife drunk. What had me drinking everyday at the end of my drinking was being told by my Dr. that I cannot work anymore or my chronic pain will worsen. I have Thoracic Outlet Syndrome. My 1st husband that was very abusive caused it.
So, how’d I end up in AA? Well, to start out I knew what AA was all about. I was a member back in 1992. I made it to a year and a half of sobriety. I left because of a bad breakup with another member in AA. I don't think I was ready to begin with back then. I wasn't done drinking. So after leaving I went back to drinking and a hectic life going back and forth with my abusive husband. I kept thinking he would change like most women think when their in those kind of relationships. Back then, my drinking was pretty much just on the weekends.
Over the years I met up up with my current husband. I knew him in the past when we worked together in a factory when I was 19 years old. He helped me get my divorce from my 1st husband. Now when we first got married he like to party too. So I was set. I had a man I love and someone that like to drink like me among other things as well. So things went on like this for a while. In the mean time, my arm got really bad and I wasn't able to work full time any more. I had to go to part time. My drinking weekends ended up being 4 day weekends.
By 2003, I wasn't able to work at all. I graduated to drinking everyday and feeling sorry for myself. I felt like a burden to my husband. I didn't care if I went to bed at night and didn't wake up the next day. I was losing myself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I lost faith in god.
One of my biggest reasons for losing faith in god was when I lost my little nephew. He only lived one day. I'll never forget that funeral as long as I live. I really lost it then because I thought everything would be OK if I prayed like a good Catholic. So that’s another reason I thought I should drink every day. Who cares. My husband didn't mind. He said he would do the same thing if he were in the same situation.
In 2006, we got our first computer. I hated them for the longest time. Then one day I thought I would type in Alcoholics Anonymous to see if it was on the Internet. Sure enough there it was. So for the longest time I drank my rum and cokes, looked up different recovery sites, and listened to speaker tapes on the computer. My sponsor gets a kick out of that picturing me drinking and looking up all this stuff.
I think what was a beginning of a turning point for me was when I listened to Bill W. himself speaking at a convention in Canada (I think). That actually brought me to tears remembering going to conventions so long ago with all the people and hearing them laughing and happy. That's when it hit me that I belong there with all those people. I remember being happy all those years ago when I was in AA the first time and having almost 2 years of sobriety at that time.
About a month or two later I found my 1st forum. They weren't very nice. They told me to come back when I was sober. Thank God, it didn't stop me from finding other forums. I finally found one that didn't care if I was still drinking and joined them in the fall of 2006. So I wrote those people and drank, wrote and drank. After a while, I was getting depressed and jealous wondering why I couldn't get sober. I finally wanted what they had. The people on the forum finally talked me into going back to AA.
It was in July 2007 that I went back. I was scared to death and was afraid the people would judge me and say to themselves "Oh, here she is again. How long will she stay this time". That didn't happen and they were glad I was back. Most all my friends are still in the rooms. A few of them I remember the day they got their white chips. Now they’re still sober and their all over 10 years sobriety. I'm very grateful they're still here. It’s helped me a lot having people I all ready knew and trusted.
It wasn’t easy. I struggled the first 6 months in AA. I was doubtful if I would even make it. I couldn't even put a month together without drinking again. I would get 3 weeks then drink, get 3 weeks then drink. This happened 3 times. Then on Sept 22, I got another white chip. I made it to 100 days that time, and then I crumbled again on New Year’s Eve. I almost didn't make it back to AA after that relapse. I felt like a failure and figured why bother. I stayed out there for almost 3 weeks. So Thank God for my on-line friends again.
On Jan 19, 2008, I pick up my white chip and haven't had a drink since. I truly think it's a miracle. My higher power has helped me since day 1. I still had a lot of struggles and problems and but I didn't pick up. Today I have a home group, a sponsor, and I’m active in service work. I'm so grateful that I kept coming back and I’m grateful for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I had my first drink at the age of 17. I fell in love with it first sip. It helped me with my shyness, gave me confidence, and I definitely thought it helped me fit in with everyone. I've felt like a misfit my whole life and have low self-esteem and self worth.
My drinking ended with me in my 40's and drinking all alone on the couch and not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. I ended up a housewife drunk. What had me drinking everyday at the end of my drinking was being told by my Dr. that I cannot work anymore or my chronic pain will worsen. I have Thoracic Outlet Syndrome. My 1st husband that was very abusive caused it.
So, how’d I end up in AA? Well, to start out I knew what AA was all about. I was a member back in 1992. I made it to a year and a half of sobriety. I left because of a bad breakup with another member in AA. I don't think I was ready to begin with back then. I wasn't done drinking. So after leaving I went back to drinking and a hectic life going back and forth with my abusive husband. I kept thinking he would change like most women think when their in those kind of relationships. Back then, my drinking was pretty much just on the weekends.
Over the years I met up up with my current husband. I knew him in the past when we worked together in a factory when I was 19 years old. He helped me get my divorce from my 1st husband. Now when we first got married he like to party too. So I was set. I had a man I love and someone that like to drink like me among other things as well. So things went on like this for a while. In the mean time, my arm got really bad and I wasn't able to work full time any more. I had to go to part time. My drinking weekends ended up being 4 day weekends.
By 2003, I wasn't able to work at all. I graduated to drinking everyday and feeling sorry for myself. I felt like a burden to my husband. I didn't care if I went to bed at night and didn't wake up the next day. I was losing myself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I lost faith in god.
One of my biggest reasons for losing faith in god was when I lost my little nephew. He only lived one day. I'll never forget that funeral as long as I live. I really lost it then because I thought everything would be OK if I prayed like a good Catholic. So that’s another reason I thought I should drink every day. Who cares. My husband didn't mind. He said he would do the same thing if he were in the same situation.
In 2006, we got our first computer. I hated them for the longest time. Then one day I thought I would type in Alcoholics Anonymous to see if it was on the Internet. Sure enough there it was. So for the longest time I drank my rum and cokes, looked up different recovery sites, and listened to speaker tapes on the computer. My sponsor gets a kick out of that picturing me drinking and looking up all this stuff.
I think what was a beginning of a turning point for me was when I listened to Bill W. himself speaking at a convention in Canada (I think). That actually brought me to tears remembering going to conventions so long ago with all the people and hearing them laughing and happy. That's when it hit me that I belong there with all those people. I remember being happy all those years ago when I was in AA the first time and having almost 2 years of sobriety at that time.
About a month or two later I found my 1st forum. They weren't very nice. They told me to come back when I was sober. Thank God, it didn't stop me from finding other forums. I finally found one that didn't care if I was still drinking and joined them in the fall of 2006. So I wrote those people and drank, wrote and drank. After a while, I was getting depressed and jealous wondering why I couldn't get sober. I finally wanted what they had. The people on the forum finally talked me into going back to AA.
It was in July 2007 that I went back. I was scared to death and was afraid the people would judge me and say to themselves "Oh, here she is again. How long will she stay this time". That didn't happen and they were glad I was back. Most all my friends are still in the rooms. A few of them I remember the day they got their white chips. Now they’re still sober and their all over 10 years sobriety. I'm very grateful they're still here. It’s helped me a lot having people I all ready knew and trusted.
It wasn’t easy. I struggled the first 6 months in AA. I was doubtful if I would even make it. I couldn't even put a month together without drinking again. I would get 3 weeks then drink, get 3 weeks then drink. This happened 3 times. Then on Sept 22, I got another white chip. I made it to 100 days that time, and then I crumbled again on New Year’s Eve. I almost didn't make it back to AA after that relapse. I felt like a failure and figured why bother. I stayed out there for almost 3 weeks. So Thank God for my on-line friends again.
On Jan 19, 2008, I pick up my white chip and haven't had a drink since. I truly think it's a miracle. My higher power has helped me since day 1. I still had a lot of struggles and problems and but I didn't pick up. Today I have a home group, a sponsor, and I’m active in service work. I'm so grateful that I kept coming back and I’m grateful for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
