MrPoppet

My apologies if this is too much writing. But it is done in my own way and the only way I could do it the first time around.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.



Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?

I have come to accept that through my seemingly hundreds of attempts to assist and prevent lapses with my parent's alcohol and drug abuse at various stages of our lives, that I cannot control their actions nor the influence that the substances have over them. The product of their behaviour can only come from the work they put in through their meetings and work on themselves.



How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

When I was younger this was much more difficult to recognise. As a young child the thought process is "But if they love me, why would they do this?". As each lapse transpired I found myself become more disgruntled and angry with my parents. Much less tolerant of any mistake on their part. Only with age and the support of friends around me was I able to mature to a level where I came to realise that none of my actions would change anything. That they were battling a disease which any of their loved ones or friends could not control.



Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?

I have become more patient and compassionate in my dealings with my alcoholic parents. Their actions have become easier to deal with over time and with practice. Unfortunately being mostly separated from them has had to be part of the formula. The last time we all lived together, whilst their lapses were very rare, there was always an element of a 'dry drunk' to their behaviour. And consequently our time together was mixed with good highs and even worse lows. A lot of dysfunctional and unhealthy ways of communication. Habits I have had to find out over time that are not acceptable. Those experiences gave me some valuable growth but at a great cost which I have to spend time on repairing now.



How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?

I have still had constant issues with my wife to this day during times of conflict. During arguments or disputes I push her to answer questions or to talk. Any pause from her sometimes results in me pushing her to speak in an unacceptable way. Whilst my wife speaks fantastic English, during times of stress it takes her more time to put sentences or the right words together, which is a very natural response. English is her second language and I have had to become mindful of that, no matter how well she converses with me in 'normal' times together.

I have also tried to condition her reactions to minor accidents or incidents. I have felt that she has been overreacting to things. Mind you I have also done the same on countless occasions. Questioning a person's natural response to these things causes further conflict and escalates an incident to the point where it should have never reached. I have had to learn that there is no 'right or wrong' to reactions, but there can be unhealthy and unacceptable reactions which result in affecting other people around you.

I have tried to teach myself that sometimes an angry reaction to accidents can be acceptable, as long as it is brief and not all-consuming to the point that it ruins your mood. Finding the balance between acceptable anger and reactions to stress has been one of the most trying things for me. I am always looking back and thinking "Was that acceptable? Was it a healthy reaction?". I guess one thing is that with every angry reaction I have never lashed out at another person physically. However I have had problems with dealing out passive aggression which is a learned behaviour that I am very cautious with now.


What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?

By attempting to communicate first to save reacting later. I had learned a behaviour where if any kind of dispute started, I would revert to something that happened in the past that I felt wronged by. To prevent this I had to teach myself to communicate as soon as possible over things I wasn't happy with, or merely things that I wanted or needed. I haven't gotten to where I want to be yet, but I am learning to be more proactive with this strategy.

I definitely see the benefit in being more proactive and assertive in discussing things with my wife and with other people who I need to resolve issues with or identify my needs and wants with. By nature I am a very quiet and passive person in this regard so with most people I will usually stay quiet. Teaching myself that speaking up is not a bad thing has been difficult to do,. Things as simple as asking for a drink at a friend's place or to use the bathroom. Or ending a telephone conversation because I need to be somewhere else.


How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

I am no longer asking for anything of great value from my parents in an emotional capacity. I know now as a mature aged adult that I cannot control or influence the actions of anybody around me. They need to take me or leave me as I am. They are trying to gradually build a meaningful relationship with me which is also hard for them to do as they are fighting their own troubled flaws from extremely dysfunctional family upbringings of their own. We are gradually building at it. However I feel like there's a giant barrier around me at times and I cannot get the words out or the energy to try. It is humbling to have this feeling as I have had a reputation of being the most sociable person at my work and among my closest friends.

What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?

I would be in more control of my own life and the relationships I have with people. Regardless of their mishaps or decisions that they regret, I would not be prone to giving advice or warning people against their own judgement. I choose only to give advice when asked and allow my friends and family to live the lives that they strive for. I also need to remember that nobody is perfect and I myself have made many mistakes that I regret, and probably many more that I will regret in the future. But this is my first step in trying to reduce the unhealthy mistakes and to live with love and unselfishness.




How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?

Being related to a devout Christian Grandmother and parents in-law who are also followers, the mantra of "Let Go and Let God" is something that I can relate to and always refer to. I believe that everything does happen for a reason. Even the bad times where you have been hurt or you have hurt other people. I do my best to worry about my own behaviour and how my actions are affecting my life and the people close to me.



Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

I have returned to Alanon knowing that this is not a quick fix. I am not daunted by the road ahead, rather trying to find strength in the knowledge that I will face a lot of confronting times ahead in relation to my emotions and my past. I have had first hand experience of seeing people succeed and fail many times in my life in battling sobriety and being clean from drugs. Bu I have also seen how when the same people are truly dedicated to the cause that they have become the people that I could love and depend on. And that in their own failure to find it within myself to forgive and move on and know that the courage to change the things I can is all I can hold accountable in this world. Life cannot be lived with such resentment.



In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

In seeing people I know during times of weakness I feel a responsibility to help them where I can. That involves lending a small level of support. I know that I cannot drop everything and be their total package. That is not healthy or productive action and behaviour on my part. However in the event of someone such as my wife being in tough times, that is where my priority lies and where I would do anything to support and carry her through difficulties. I used to feel an excessive responsibility to help people around me and it was merely feeding the lion of affirmation and validation. Now I have learned to drop the reigns of that as much as I can. Whilst it can make me feel selfish and cold when I question it, I am learning to accept it as a normal way of life.




In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?

The many times that my mother lapsed with alcohol and gambling whilst living with me and my wife during my wife's first few months living with me in a home. As supportive as my wife was at the time, these actions could not stop me from feeling so embarrassed to have her witness this first hand. When my mother's lies and stealing eventually extended directly to my wife, that's when I had to force my mother to move out of the house, which I had warned to her at the time that we all moved in together. Seeing my mum cry profusely whilst packing her things into her car was extremely difficult, but I knew that my marriage would struggle with this poisonous behaviour around us.



What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?

When I first attended Alanon for a few months in 2009, I was dating my now wife at the time and started having a serious relationship. I finally took it upon myself to attend the meetings under the regular encouragement of my alcoholic mother. My aim was to allow myself to be free of the burden of what I had been carrying. The whirlwind of emotions that I felt in the days after each meeting was extremely confronting. But it had allowed me to feel the ability to love and be loved much more than ever before. I stopped attending the meetings which looking back was a complacent thing to do. I have returned to Alanon to continue to work on myself and to allow my emotions to be in a healthy state. And to stop the occasional behavioural misgivings I am directing to my wife and sometimes the friends around me.




Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.

My wife has rightfully explained how some of my actions are unacceptable from a married man. I have had issues with chatting to women online and in turn being flirtatious and charming by paying them compliments. I see this is a way of looking for affirmation. And no matter how much love and support I had from my wife and how much I was giving back, I would keep going back to the online world every few months and looking for more people to give this treatment and in turn receive my own validation and affirmation in return. The reality is that I am not getting any true enjoyment or rush from it. It appears to be purely a habit at this stage of my life with no reward of any rush. When I look back on this behaviour I see the red flag of addiction and the signs of an ACOA staring back at me.



How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

When I go back to talk to a random assortment of female friends online.
When I stop exercising.
When I get irritated and angry over things I usually don't.
When I manifest thoughts of what people think and feel about me.
When I compare myself to other people and their accomplishments.
When I put myself down and become critical of myself.



How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?

Yes. Through my friends when I try to be funny and tell a joke, waiting for a reaction. When I look for compliments on how good a friend I am or my physical appearance. When I am succeeding at work and want to be recognised by my peers and managers.



Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?

Yes. My life becomes less manageable as I am becoming flexible when I don't need to be. I am letting go of my personal power and right to refuse. I am enabling my feelings of acceptance by not wanting to disappoint people or make them angry.


Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

I have developed a better responsibility in looking after myself over the years. Earlier in life I was extremely lazy and it took 27 years to move out of the same roof of either my parents or grandmother. That was a daunting experience but necessary for my growth as an adult.

I definitely anticipate problems or worry about very unlikely issues occurring. I remember only a few months ago when we moved up here to be a bit closer to my parents that I started to worry about what might happen to my father, who is currently the full-time worker in the relationship whilst my mother is the stay-at-home partner who does all the errands and house managing. I began to search for insurance policies for my father, knowing that if he ever became ill or injured that they would struggle financially. And I certainly didn't want a repeat of having to be responsible for my mother again.

At least with the many experiences I have had I have shown myself that I can walk away and refuse to help where I am powerless over their situation. I have to allow myself to do this and to worry about my own life.

Being more alive and proactive in a crisis has always come naturally to me. Yet the smaller problems that happen can make me upset and unreasonably agitated. I think the rescue impulse in me is enabled by emergencies and crises which is something I have tried to contemplate on and not to go too far out of the reasonable call of duty. I cannot always be the helper.


How well do I take care of myself?

I am able to live alone and independently. My wife has also been most helpful in establishing a solid routine for us. She knows how much changes can bother me at times unexpectedly. However I do take pride in my own choices of food and my methods of exercise. Plus out of all of my friends I drink the least alcohol by a considerable margin. There are weeks where I will have the one drink on a saturday night after a challenging working week. I have so far not felt that alcohol has rendered me powerless nor has it tempted me in the way that the disease could. But as the last in both family bloodlines who hasn't been affected by alcohol, I remind myself to be thankful that to this day I have not become powerless to it.

How do I feel when I am alone?

As I age I have developed a greater appreciation for silence and quiet time, even whilst I am alone. However I do engage in a lot of hobbies whilst my wife is out with friends or at work. Billiards, watching a few select favourite TV shows, bargain hunting on Ebay. And I have two lovely Burmese cats who are there and always love any attention they can get. I remember loathing to be alone and craving the company of my friends in previous years. Whilst my ex-girlfriend lived with my parents and I and they weren't travelling so well, we broke up due to our own issues and she moved out. I immediately moved out to a friends place, as they were able to provide me with constant company and were understanding of the emotions I was feeling.

If I were ever faced with the same situation again, I am not sure how I would handle the situation. I don't know if it would be any different. But I know that a repeat of the previous choices would not be healthy for my own personal power and inner strength.

What is the difference between pity and love?

Pity is feeling sorry for another person due to a situation or predicament that they are faced with. Love is something you feel and freely give to others who you care about. Love can be unconditional. You can still love the people who hurt you without any expectation of their behaviour. Putting this into practice with my parents has been the most difficult as we work on our relationship. I don't know if I will ever feel 'comfortable' around them in the same way I do with my wife or my close friends, the way that I can freely love them. But I owe it to myself to try.

Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?

I have never had an attraction to alcoholics or people who seem unhinged. Infact quite the opposite. All of the people that I have had a relationship with and an attraction to are clean, intelligent people who don't drink or do any kind of substances. My ex-girlfriend had a terrible time with emotional abuse and strained parental relationships, but at the time I felt that she did not need saving. The reality is that she spent so many years trying to heal and save me, that I eventually sapped the life from her. This is a huge motivation for me to partake in Alanon and to work with my fellow ACOA's in helping them along the way. Knowing that this behaviour from me is being repeated now with my wife is what brought me back here. It doesn't matter that I am 'different' and 'improved' from before. If certain destructive patterns are being followed, I will not stop working on myself even if I get to the stage where they no longer control me. I cannot be complacent ever again.

I tend to avoid people who fall into the same mold as alcoholics or people who need saving. I know that I cannot afford my energy to help those people. If people within my circle were needing my help of course I would feel more inclined to help them. However after the many attempts of trying to help and save my parents and always yielding failed results, I have learned that I can only give my support. I will never put my life on hold in this situation, as with my own history I cannot afford to exhibit that behaviour.

Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?

I know that I love my wife and that I living the best life possible by being with her. She is such a strong and courageous woman that never fails to tell me straight when my behaviour is something that she will not tolerate. She is clear about what she wants and she lives her life with love and a commitment to her family which I am envious of. But it's not my business to be in a 'happy family'. It's my business to look after myself which in turn will help in being the best husband and friend I can be to the people around me.

I don't know if I love my parents. The feeling I get when I am around them is not always easy. It's a feeling I don't have with anyone else. But I know that whilst they have been clean and working hard on themselves in recent years, that I am here ready to try to feel something true.