KeepinItReal

I also am having a hard time accepting step 1. I say it over and over again in my head. I cannot control this. I cannot control this.

I'm in denial about my controlling personality. I do like things just my way. I'm probably incredibly hard to live with. (I know I am)

So, in step 1 i'm trying to accept that I cannot control my controlling behavior and need to hand it over to God. I always want everything planned and don't like surprises.

I also cannot control my RAH. I think working on my controlling behavior needs to come first. It's so hard because I do this with everything in my life...
UGH.

overit263

I have learned from my now dead marriage that just because bad things have happened, they won't just stop happening, like we're not all allotted a specific amount of horrible in our lives. Now it's comical and I know things aren't controllable. I'm like you, I'm a planner and being married to an rah, now ah again, is the worst marriage situation for me. My friends say to me all the time joking or not, let go and let god. Eventually you get beaten down enough that you just don't care about control as much.

neferkamichael

KeepinItReal, ironically step 1 is about the only step I completely agree with. the booze and dope controlled me to the point of near squalid poverty, but 3 years 4 months sober all is good today. Rootin for ya.

AnvilheadII

keepinitreal...i get the bit about liking things MY way...in fact, for the most part my way IS better! but i'm talking stuff like how i load the fridge, and do laundry and keep a clean house....THINGS. a place for everything and everything in it's place.

but i've also learned to loosen up a bit because really is my world going to END if my husband puts dishes away in the wrong place??? no. not only do i have to accept that the colander might end up in some other random location, but that i cannot CONTROL where HE chooses to put stuff! he isn't breaking any laws!

a great exercise in how little we control is to call off work for a day (a suitably NON crisis deadline day) stay in bed and do nothing. (doesn't work so well if one has small children....). and then the next day observe that the earth continued to turn it's axis, the wheels of commerce churned along, in fact everything moved along....WITHOUT US. the sun did not need our permission to rise, the tides did not ASK if they could ebb, people somehow managed to breathe without our aid. we are NOT the center of the universe. life goes on whether we choose to participate or not.

or to be a bit more graphic, drink at least 6 16oz glasses of water during the day, and see how long you can really CONTROL the need to go the restroom. who is going to eventually win that battle? you, your mind? or the necessary bodily function of your bladder?

control is really just a mind game.

Ann

I love what Anvil said.

I cannot control my circumstance but I can control my reaction to it. I can choose what I will and will not accept in my life, but I cannot control the behaviours or thoughts of others. Dang it anyway!.

Lily1918

Love this thread! My therapist helped me to realize today that all of this fear is really about the loss of control.

I thought I was in control, but really I never was.

I hate not being in control. When I was in school, I was always the one who took the lead in group homework projects, because everyone else's way was always wrong according to me. Even now, I work better alone because I can do things my way.

I think that in my life this all boils down to pride. step 1 is hard for me too.

AdmimalBlueEyes

Geez you make it seem so hard , god has given us millions of examples , of things we can't control , two days ago I saw a woman trying ( much to my amusement to teach a dog to drop on command a neghbors ball it had found. ( he on the other hand was trying to teach her to try to get it away from her) lots of fun watching because I saw the futility in her efforts while she was frustrated beyond belief ( the dog just being a dog seemed very happy ) kids are another great example

readerbaby71

I love this. I need to remind myself that people get along just fine without me sometimes.

SeekingHealing4

My ex who is an addict says that I demonstrated controlling behavior. I did not see it, but perhaps I did. I remember a time when he told me that he was going to quit smoking weed. He was real proud of himself for a day or two. Then, his family had a gathering. Now, his family encouraged weed, and I rembered his goal. I reminded him that he was trying to stay clean....did he think this gathering was a good idea. He immediately snapped, "I am going to my family gathering." I responded, "Of course, they love you. But, remember, you will be around old habits.". I did not think that was controlling, but perhaps it was.

Austin4Wyo

This, times a thousand. If I'm not in control, I'm in fear yes?

That was how I was, even before I drank. Clearly, I was the smartest, most capable, and if you didn't know it, I was more than happy to point to my list of accomplishments to convince.you with logic and rationality. If I wasn't as smart as I thought, how did I have all this success?

Fear of failure drove me to achieve, achieving gave me an ego, and my ego convinced me I was right.

After a few years of pretty rough lows, I've got a slightly different approach. Life is a lot nicer when I don't have to worry about anyone but myself. Like Anvil said, the world keeps turning. I have little or no influence on the vast majority of what I encounter day by day, and the more I embrace that, the more contentment and peace I find. My friend in recovery is making excuses for her boyfriend being a jackwagon? Say my piece, then exercise my peace. Roommate adjusted the thermostat wrong after he saif he wouldn't? I can choose to be kind rather than right. Life stops being an exercise in futility and exasperation, and becomes about being a part of something bigger than myself.

Anvil's example is perfect. The more I work toward "acceptance" rather than patience, the more I see how insignificant I am in the greater scheme of things. That has lead me to a greater spiritual understanding and given me a far greater sense of purpose over the small amount that I really DO influence in my life. It's liberating and very, very empowering.

I've said it before on these boards, but it has come to be a motto of mine since I first typed it out off the cuff several weeks back...

I can work toward accepting the world as it is, use what I can, and let others be. Most everything else will sort itself out, regardless of me and my ego.