DefofLov

Step One,

I admit that I am powerless over alcohol, that my life (more like emotions) has become unmanageable.

I am powerless over the alcohol. My emotions have been unmanageable for a long time. I live a successful life so in the surface it looks like I have everything together. Trying to fill a void within myself and trying everything I can to please my family and make them love me has resulted in my emotions becoming unmanageable.

Being powerless over alcohol means that It wasn't my fault, I can't make my family change, and it is totally okay for me to do what I need to do to manage my emotions. So, there is no need for me to feel guilty when I choose not to go around my family. I don't have to feel guilty when I choose me over them. Nothing I do can actually change my family or magically make them love and accept me for who I am.

It's not my fault and it's okay for me to do what I need to do to take care of me. I am powerless over alcohol and I don't have to bring myself around the alcoholism.

Love,

Lily

DefofLov

I surrender all attempts to control or fix the alcoholism in my family. I also surrender the guilt I feel at times for not bringing myself to be around my family. I choose to remain removed from them.

In addition, my life has become unmanageable. Even though I pay all of my bills and I am successful, the driving force behind is dysfunction. The goals that I set are highly unrealistic as well as the pressure I put on myself to accomplish these goals.

I am ready to surrender my former ways of coping and take up a new method that brings fulfillment, peace, serenity, and true love into my life.

Love,

Lily

tomsteve

doesnt surrendering feel good!

DefofLov

Yes it does tomsteve

DefofLov

How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

These past few weeks I have realized my life has always been unmanageable because I never really learned how to manage it. Part of that is normal growing pains and the other part of it is growing up in an alcoholic household.

I am learning how to pace myself through life. I am learning how to balance work, school, and me. I am learning that I actually matter and I still matter regardless of the tasks I accomplish.

I realized that I used to earn love and respect through my actions, not realizing that these are god-given entities. I deserve to be loved and respected by default. Now, it no longer matters how many hours I work, how well I manage my finances, how quickly I finish nursing school, and how well I keep myself together.

I have come to a point where I no longer have to use accomplishments and achievements to measure my worth. So, I don't have to pile my plate high with things to do, places to go, and people to see to realize my worth.

I am getting better at managing my life by putting my needs first and taking care of me and then handling what I can through life.

How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?

I have sough approval and affirmation from others by trying to be who I thought they wanted to be and by being an overachiever. I try to work super hard and get as many A+ as possible. I try to earn my worth by being a perfectionist.

In a relationship, I try to "help" and "fix" my partner. I tried to fix my ex-boyfriend's life by rescuing financially or telling them what they should and should not do with their lives. What drove my actions were that if I did enough to prove I am worthy of love, my exes would love me. For the record, that does not work.

Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?


Yes. It is less frequent now, but I have said yes when I should have said no many times before. Giving hundreds of dollars I don't have to bail family members who never talk to me, except to ask me for something. Committing to things I really just can't take on.

This obviously makes life difficult to manage because I am taking on too much when I can barely handle my own life.

Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?

I am getting better at taking care of myself, but yes, I do find it easier to take care of others. I love taking care of other people. I am getting better at realizing I take care of others better when I take care of me first.

How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?


Life has not gone smoothly much for me, probably because I anticipate problems. When things are smooth, I feel anxiety creeping up on me regularly. I feel myself slipping into chaos and worry when it isn't even necessary because it is all I know. I am striving hard at this time to not worry. I am in a better position to take good care of myself. And life is good right now. I am learning to enjoy it in the present moment.

I am not sure if I feel more alive in a crisis these days. But I am used to being in a crisis. I grew up surrounded by overreactions and under-reactions. Growing up around such instability has made it difficult for me to just be okay. But I am getting better. I am okay.

How well do I take care of myself?

I am getting much better at taking care of myself. I am learning how much I can handle and how not to take on more than I can handle. I have slowed down a lot these days and I stopped doing more than I can handle. I have forgiven myself for not being perfect. *gasp* And I have learned to enjoy the little things in life. I have come a long way.

How do I feel when I am alone?


Sometimes I feel at peace and totally okay. Sometimes I feel anxious and sad. As time goes on, I am feeling much better being alone. In fact, after my last relationship I feel totally liberated. I feel like I have the time now to figure out who I am and what I really want out of life. It is an awesome feeling.

Love and Light,

Lily

DefofLov

And I think I am ready to explore Step 2. I have sat with Step 1 for a while now. I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable.

I am taking steps to learn how to manage my life in a healthy way. Off to step 2 I go.