bflare

I cannot for the life of me find any definitive answer to my query regarding the alleged 4th column in the resentment inventory. This is sometimes labelled ‘My part’, ‘Where were I to blame’. When I did my Step 4 I followed the J&C worksheets which has us look at ‘what is the exact nature of our wrongs’ with respect to each resentment. I was quite happy doing this & it all seem to make sense. However, I stumbled across a Youtube video by Jim B & he is adamant that this is incorrect & there is no 4th column. He explains & I can see his logic that the resentments are dealt with by applying the spiritual solution detailed in the BB. Resentments are just another character defect that we ask God to remove just the same as the other defects of character.

The BB clearly tells us that resentments must be mastered & how with the statement ‘This was our course:’ We master the resentments by realizing that the people we resent are perhaps spiritually sick too & then we pray for them. This is the first part to the Step 4 inventory on 3 columns only & there is no 4th column & certainly no ‘my part’ to look for. I have asked this question on another forum & I have had a few other AA members agree that we do NOT look for our part because that is then getting into the realms of comparative negligence. The whole point of Step 4 is to get rid of the resentments that we have accumulated by realization that they dominated our lives & we then ask God to remove them. We then deal with the other character defects by looking at our harms to others. We only ‘refer to the list again’ to use the names. The BB says ‘putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done’. We cannot look at ‘our part’ if we are told not consider their wrongs it doesn’t make sense. The Book directs us to "disregard the other person involved entirely." We DON'T compare behaviours. As soon as we start looking for 'our part' this then indicates 'they have a part' & tit for tat. Similarly if we are going to look for 'our part' in harms done to us then we would need to look for 'their part' in the harms we have done to them.

First Part to remove Resentments.

1. In dealing with resentments, we set them down on paper.
   
2. We list people, institutions, principles we were angry at (Column 1)
   
3. We asked our self’s why we were angry. (column 2)
   
4. What did it effect (column 3)
   
5. If we were to live, we had to be free of anger (resentments)
   
6. We turn back to the list again.
   
7. We are prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle.
   
8. The angle we look at from is that we begin to see that the world & its wrongdoing of others dominated us. How could we escape? These resentments had to be mastered but how?
   
9. This was our course: We realized that these people like ourselves were sick to.
   
10. We ask God (Pray) to show them the same tolerance, pity & patience we would grant a sick friend.
    
    Second Part to find Harms for Step 8 on a separate list & find remaining defects to take into Step 6 & 7 for God to remove.

1. Referring to the list again to use the names only of people, institutions, principles in our lives
   
2. Putting out of our minds the wrongs (resentments) others had done.
   
3. We look for our own mistakes in the entire relationship & NOT ‘our part’ .
   
4. In that relationship where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking & frightened?
   
5. Even if we feel the situation want entirely our fault, we disregard the other person entirely. For instance, I stole off of my Friend, but he stole from me first. I disregard that entirely. Again, this is more confirmation that we are not looking at ‘our part’ or comparing behaviours.
   
6. Where were we to blame?
   
7. We listed our faults & were willing to make an amends in Step 8.
   
   More confirmation of this way of thinking is in Step 10 where once we have removed the old resentments, we continue to look for new ones & when they crop up we ask God to remove them. It does not say we look for our ‘part in them’.
   

sugarbear1

I had to see my part in things with the help of my sponsor during my 5th step. It was very eye-opening and I was able to see my pattern of behavior. Once I found this, I was able to work on things one by one.

I found that extra column helpful, but I worked with a sponsor who knew how to guide another through the steps.

Eddiebuckle

A resentment is at its core an expectation we have of someone or some situation that was not met. The resentment occurs because we are unwilling to simply accept that the expectation was unrealistic - this is not to say unreasonable, but that it was not reality. For example, for most of my life I resented my mother for her drinking - it caused more pain and chaos in my life and the home that I was raised in. I resented that she would not give up alcohol for her family, and most definitely for me. I made her drinking about me. The truth is, my mother drank not because she didn't love me, my siblings or my father. She drank because she was an alcoholic. My part in the resentment was setting an unrealistic expectation (eg expecting an alcoholic not to drink) and then making the lack of meeting that expectation an affront to me.

The big book talks about ego. Ego is the lens through which we experience the world around us as we go through life - that lens translates what happens "out there" to what happened to me. Have you ever been late for work or some other event and gotten caught at a red light? Frustrating though it may be, the light isn't red "at" you... it's just red because some of the time is cannot be green. But we make these things out to be about us, and stew on them, and create our resentment by dwelling on them, revisiting them, and working ourselves into a rage over the unfairness of it all.

That is our part of the resentment: an inability to accept that the person or situation did not act or occur in the way we believed we deserved. Whether it is reasonable to expect "our way" is completely irrelevant - it didn't. The combination of our expectation and a refusal to accept the reality is our role in the resentment.

Gottalife

In my experience people generally don't drink again because they got a column wrong in step four, or made some other mistake with it. Generally they drink because they never made any attempt at step four at all. I hear it so often, "I drank just as I got to step four".

My reading of page 67 seems clear that we look for where we were at fault, our mistakes, our wrongs." We admitted our wrongs honestly" seems a very clear statement that we are going to take responsibility for "our part".

From my drinking years I had no trouble seeing my part. As a result resentments were easily dealt with. They were replaced by guilt and remorse because I knew I was at fault, and that was later dealt with through amends.

With reference to step 10, a step I often practice several times in one day (sorry to say) it begins with the admonition that I watch for four dangerous character defects which can manifest internally, externally or both. Fear, resentment, dishonesty and selfishness. When they crop up, I first ask God to remove them at once. I then call someone (a sponsor) to discuss the situation, what happened, and I look for my mistakes. (Step ten suggests we clean up any new mistakes as we go along). Then I consider amends if I have harmed someone - which obviously would be my responsibility - I clean up the damage my poor reaction has caused. Then I turn my mind to someone I can help. Hopefully in all this I learn a lesson, though I seem to be a very slow learner.

If I don't recognize my part, which may be as seemingly minor as taking offense about something, and I don't get it cleaned up, the wound tends to fester and grow and becomes, over time, more and more difficult to resolve. Such infections of the soul can be fatal.

Tommyh

at first it took a few trys to get a grip on it,so to speak.
the more I did,the easier it got and the more sense it made,and the shorter my answer.
I found my old inventory and found one about a old boss I had who was on my resentment list and I`ll run thru it here,changing his name

angry at (column 1)
my old boss Doc

why(cause)(column 2)
his remarks in a meeting directed at me

affects (column 3)
security,ambitions,personel relations,self esteem (fear)

then I sat and considered it carefully as the big book says
I started to see things
I then sincerely prayed the sicks mans prayer for Doc,praying for Doc by name.

I went to the turnarounds(column 4) (here are the questions my big book step study sponsor gave me)
my answers was underlined
where was I

selfish?
what did I want?
I wanted to go scott free for breaking company rules

dishonest
what was the lie I told myself?
Doc is a jerk,I don`t derserve this,I"m not wrong

what would I not get or receive?
recogination from others and him and a clean record

I thought....
he was wrong and picking on me,I`m innocent

I told myself
I would get even with him somehow

I pretended
to be a innocent victim and that it didn`t bother me


self seeking(my behvoiurs)

what did I do to get what I wanted?(my actions based on my selfish motives)
gossiped about Doc behind his back,lied to myself and others about me being in the wrong

how did I manipulate?
by lying and gossiping about Doc and continue to break company rules

frightened

what was I afraid of?
scared of what the others would think of me


what might I lose or not get?
my job,their friendship and respect,

what was the fear?(name it by name)
fear of not being good enough and losing my job


this was one of my column 4`s I did when I started writing,and I did the best I could.I soon was able to see how dishonest and fearful I was,along with my aweful behaviour.
That fear was really a deep motivating factor in my life,scared of what others thought about me so I put up a big front......I played the actor...I lived the double life,one outside and another inside.
Doc was doing his job,I wasn`t and he called me on it.
You may want to do a few and do not judge,just pray first and operate the pencil.

I then took my fears of columns 3 and 4 and ran them thru the fear inventory

good luck
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