Deuce85

Hi everyone. I write this in this forum because I am in a personal secular program of recovery. I have been clean off opiates for 14 months. I been feeling really crappy this past month. Thoughts of using, depression, anxiety from the thoughts of using. I quit exercising, I quit taking my anti-depressants, I quit meditating, lol wow as I write this I may realize why I am feeling this way. I was also juicing fruits and vegetables each day which I believed helped me feel better, but I quit doing that too. I guess I quit doing this stuff because I am lazy or I do not want to be an addict so I want to prove that I can recover without any work. SOunds crazy. I do not want to relapse by any means. I am strong and sober today and that is all that matters even though I feel like crap. I just had to put this out there. Thanks everyone. Take care.

bigsombrero

Thanks for sharing that. Even after long periods of sobriety, there can be some tough days. I enjoyed reading your thoughts and getting a glimpse into your stream of consciousness. Thanks.

DoubleBarrel

One thing that Ive learned is that it is a bunch of work just to be a healthy human being.

Years of self inflicted abuse and neglect means I never really developed good habits of sleeping, eating, or exercising. It was either too much or not at all, or in some kind of altered state.

I really believe it is part of the beast saying, you dont need to exercise, you'll do it later, or keep eating, it doesnt matter, anything is better than drinking.

If I don't take care of myself, Im putting myself in harms way.

On the other side, self care is self love. When I feed my kids well, make sure they are healthy, and get a good nights sleep, it is because I love them.

Getting over self loathing and taking care of yourself is part of being healthy and sober IMHO.

Artoro

Hey Ttal,
don't forget to take pride in your accomplishments. Beating an addiction is among the hardest things to do and you've got 14 months. That's great!

MythOfSisyphus

Drinking and drugs can become so central to one's life that they don't learn/develop anything else! It sounds like you have to reinvent yourself from the ground up. Just don't expect instant success- remember, Rome wasn't built in a day!

MidnightBlue

Hi, Ttal.

First, congrats on 14 months - really awesome accomplishments!

The fact that you've done it that far speaks volumes. Take it easy on yourself, take small steps to rejuvenate your spirit and find joy in everyday life.

Maybe, sometimes we have too much of self-improvement and don't leave space for just being lazy without sense of guilt, it it makes sense. Sobriety and recovery is hard work, overcoming the Beast is not easy.

You have every reason to be proud of yourself.

You are strong and sober - stay that way)

Best wishes to you)

doggonecarl

There you go! Recovery is hard work. I went through a spell of what I called "recovery fatigue" where I just wanted to stop putting so much effort into being sober. But you see what happens if we back off too much.

I know you probably don't feel like doing all the things you listed. But doing them is exactly what you to do to lift yourself out of this ennui.

Fourteen months is awesome. You know what you have to do. Good luck.

tehmazzyland

Hey Ttal914 thanks for sharing. 14 months is damn good going. You're not alone with going through rough patches in recovery. It's part of getting used to a normal life again, which is, unfortunately, sh*tty sometimes. But somewhere on another thread I read a really good bit of advice about tough times -

Every bad day I survive sober makes the next good day even better.

Hope you get back to the good times soon.

Fallow

I relate to this statement so much. Thank you for posting it.

I recently quit looking at any recovery related information for a while. Stopped doing what got me to this point. Thinking the same thing, that I would prove that I can stay in recovery with no work. I started feeling less centered than I had once been. When I started having drinking and using thoughts I realized it was time to break out the tools again.

It is nice to know I am not the only one.

Best of luck.

Riel

I think this may be the most important thing we can do. If we accept ourselves, even learn to love ourselves, it gives us the strength to ignore our AV.

Every time I've relapsed it was because I'd reached a point where I was so full of self loathing that I wanted to punch myself in the face. It's hard enough to ignore the AV when you don't care about yourself, even harder when you actively hate and want to punish yourself.

pinkdog

I feel better if I keep up the routine. Such as the exercise, healthy food and meditations. It's easy to slide out of them. Get re-focused. You are doing very well.

neferkamichael

Ttal914, 14 months sober and pretty miserable? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. Your thread has made me think, and that's why I like SR so much. I guess I was expecting sobriety to be a miracle cure for all that ails me, but it hasn't. I was either so high I didn't have any feelings or I was angry that I was high. Now I have the full range of emotions that a normal person has. Anxiety, depression, happines and joy. Howerever , I just suffer through the bad times and am beginning to appreciate the good times more and more. Rootin for ya.

HHTexas

You sound just like my AH. 14 months, stopped anti depressants 2 months ago, thought he had beat it, etc. He took a drink Thur and hasn't stopped since. Praying for you!

NorCaliGal

So true! I've recently stopped drinking, which was the biggest road block to being a healthy human. I know next I need to improve my diet, and start to exercise (for the first time since P.E. many moons ago in high school.) I keep telling myself these are LIFE LONG improvements requiring DAILY RE-COMMITMENT (that ol' "one day at a time"), not something temporary or until I reach some sort of milestone. So easy to get complacent, especially when I feel so much better than I felt a month ago.