It's good to be back

Old 01-10-2009, 02:28 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Never settle.
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It's good to be back

I have not posted on here in a long time, since shortly before Thanksgiving. Once the holidays and final exams and such started I barely had time to check my email. In a way it seemed to help me. When I was on here every day it seemed like it kept alcohol and drugs at the front of my mind. I have not been on here in 6 or 7 weeks and I won't lie: there have been some bumps along the way. I have had a few drinks and I've used some drugs. Overall though my use has been decreasing fairly quickly and I have been doing much better in terms of my attitude toward my use. Also not being around people who use has helped, as well as having a friend who had his own meth addiction for a few years. If I were in a program he would be my sponsor but since I am not he's just a friend I can call night or day (I've tested him on this: he picks up his phone at 2 a.m. and answers just as nicely as he answers as 2 p.m.) and he will talk to me. I felt kind of whiny and mopey for a while-- a victim of addiction-- and after I stopped posting here I realized I needed to "man up" (woman up??) and just stop. Once I got out of the mindset that my addiction was in control it was much easier than I expected.

When it came down to it and I could not drink much around my grandparents' house over the holidays it did not bother me. I functioned normally without alcohol, and when my cousin offered me one of his home brews I drank about half of it, decided it was horrible beer and handed the rest to my uncle. I still drank that half beer but I have not been able to put a beer down and not finish it in over a year. It was sort of amazing what 2 weeks without alcohol did for me.

A friend got to the point of almost brutal honesty about my drug use and it worked! It took me a few days after he talked to me but I realized I am hooked on meth. I was out of town for Christmas and did not have access to drugs and it was surprisingly easy to shake it off (not saying it was pleasant, easy, or that it is over but I thought it would be much worse). I did slip up and use one time since I came home. But when my dealer text messaged me about 3 days ago "I've got killer, you want some?" I just sent back a "No thanks" and that was that. It's not hard to say no to him because I think, even for a drug dealer, the guy is a loser. The person it was really hard to say no to was my best friend yesterday, but I still told him I did not want to do drugs anymore and I would not buy any for him either. I was so proud of myself!! I really enjoy getting some confidence back. Getting accepted to grad school was a big boost and I don't want to mess it up. I went from a 3.6 GPA last spring to a 2.3 just-barely-scraping-by GPA this fall, all thanks to my drug habit.

It feels great to be back.

All this brings up a negative point though: I see it now in a way I never could have before that my best friend is heavily addicted to meth. His behavior is getting more and more erratic, his fiancee broke up with him and kicked him out of her house, and he has been absolutely horrible to everyone from his mom to me to his fiancee and her 4-year-old daughter. Perhaps worse, when I told him what he said to me he claimed he had no memory of it. Also I talked to his fiancee yesterday and she said the same thing happened with her (she had actually called to see if I thought he might be on drugs; this is something she has suspected for a while but she does not know the two of us were doing drugs together). Also she said she got mad at him and asked him if he preferred drinking or spending time with his family and he replied "I like them equally." My addiction has been kind of tough to handle but he seems to be losing control entirely. I worry that it is only a matter of time before he is back to using needles and/or back in prison (he has already done 5 years and is on a 5-year probation/suspended sentence). More than anything I miss my friend: the guy who walked with me to calculus class and joked about how horrible our instructor was; stayed up late and woke up early to study for finals with me then teased me about being a nerd when he got a 96% on the exam and I managed a 97%; immediately put his arm around me when some creepy guy started leering at me from the corner of the creepiest bar I have ever been in; and was absolutely determined that he would not risk going back to prison. I keep joking with him that one day he will walk in and the production team from Intervention will be in his living room. I hope he gets back before it comes to that.
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Old 01-10-2009, 03:45 PM
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Good to see ya, Gneiss!
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Old 01-10-2009, 07:10 PM
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I got nothin'
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Hello, gneiss.
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Old 01-11-2009, 08:51 AM
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Greetings Genesis . It sound like you have been practicing some harm reduction and developing a cautious attitude about drug use.
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Old 01-11-2009, 11:45 AM
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Reach Out and Touch Faith
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Great to read you Gneiss. I am sorry to hear about your friend.
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Old 01-11-2009, 11:54 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Never settle.
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Originally Posted by zencat View Post
Greetings Gneiss . It sound like you have been practicing some harm reduction and developing a cautious attitude about drug use.
There you go putting fancy-pants names on my actions. Haha. I guess so. Watching my best friend drop farther into drug use has made me realize how I must have been acting toward everyone around me. I honestly don't think I was acting as extremely as he is but my behavior and attitude must have been somewhat different than normal. Wowsers.
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