c'est la vie

I'm feeling really odd today. Sometimes I wonder if reading here hurts or helps (or a combination of both).

I read yesterday that "an alcoholic will take one drink and then never want to stop. It's that simple." Well, I'm not like that so does that mean I'm not an alcoholic or is that person narrow minded in their definition.

Then I read about alcohol content of various things and even read a scathing post in reference to NA beer, honesty, relapse risk, and coddling by fellow posters.

I can't help but think that I'm going to be restarting my date constantly because I cook with wine, sherry, cognac or because I might have an NA beer when we host guests. Maybe this is just telling me that AA is too strict for my lifestyle right now. I can't be a day counter worrying about all this. I never would have thought I'd be "relapsing" on casseroles and roasts.

I have to be happy in my head and it's not making me happy trying to fit into everyone's theories of alcoholism and relapsing. I won't be leaving SR because it's brought me too close to happiness, but it's really been making me think deeply about how to go about "taking what I need and leaving the rest".

c'est la vie

and one more thing.
I keep hearing "check your motives". I'm wondering what my motive is for crying "alcoholism". Do I need attention?
What about my motive for going to AA? Is that so that everyone knows how difficult "my problem" is?

best

Your over thinking things.
You are trying to use logic on something that isn't logical.

Take what you need and leave the rest... When you see the need for what you hear is when what you hear is needed. Not all will be needed by you but all that is given may be needed by someone. Take what works for you at this time.

An alcoholic comes in many shapes and sizes. Some have one and don't stop.
Some have one but need that one every single day or they are hurting.
Alcohol can be an emotional crutch or a physical need.
The mind, body and soul of each person is affected differently, though we all may look the same on the outside.
Your drinking and my drinking are the same in that they are both an intake of alcohol. What happens to you and what happens to me once alcohol is added can be two totally different things.
Take what you need (what works for you in the moment)

Sobriety1st

Morning C'est, glad to see your posting your thoughts, that is the way we learn about ourselves, it is like keeping a journal, IMO..I was in a samiliar frame of mind, am i alcoholic, or just a drinker who loved to have a few beers, well, my answer, i am an alcoholic, and an addict, a day away from using..you can take the test of wether or not you are an alcoholic, but if you read what you wrote, i think it answers it for you..you are uncomfortable unless you have that drink, and to me IMO, that is an alcoholic, IMO, but that is truly for you to decide..but, sweetnstuff is right, you have grown so much lately, why give that up..you are a strong person, wanting what is best for you..not wanting to feel icky..i agree with take what you want and leave the rest..this is hard stuff, recovery..but it only gets better..it is easy to become an alcoholic, or addict, hard as he## to live recovery or get clean/sober..but we are all wanting the best for you, and most importantly, IMO, it is what you want as well..the steps are suggestions, not commands, not instructions..you can apply them to your daily living and with a lot of action you can become happy, joyous, and free..oh how wonderful it is to be free, from any addiction..i have always stated that i don't like to give a lot of advice, i am too new to that, and i have a lot to learn because i just now started really digging in with a sponsor and learning the program of action, but i know being sober and clean is awesome, and i can handle life on life's terms, and eventually, i am told, all this stuff that you are worried about now, will seem like a life time ago and you can just be happy with who you are..i am hoping the best for you, and please, keep posting, see how far you have come..i am one of many of your greatest fans here at SR and want to see you happy..take care..

igfan

Hi Ang, i struggled with the exact same thing on and off for a year, Am i an alcoholic, maybe i'm not alcoholic, i don't drink like her......and someone told me "give AA 90 days, if you're not completely satisfield, we'll gladly refund your misery". I tried AA, then i tried drinking again.....didn't work out well. I picked up where i left off, and worse off. There's nothing worse than a belly full of beer and a head full of AA. Anyway, we need to remind ourselves to identify not compare. Only we truly know whether we're alcoholic or not and what are motives are, but remember this.....people who don't have a problem with alcohol don't spend as much time as we do questioning it.

Sugasnaps

**{hugs Cest}} Been there too. Learning to take what I need and leave the rest is hard sometimes... especially when I didn't know wtf I needed. I found that if it triggered anger or unwelcomed emotion in me... I didn't need it. lol I guess as simple as that. You have been doing so well and babe... it is a journey. Your journey and no one elses. It will be different than mine. I, personally, have no problem eating foods that have had wine used in the preparation. I was worried about it at first but not anymore. When I need to use wine to cook with... I ask my husband to buy it for me and why. Then I do my thang cooking and when the wine is needed I ask him to open it and add it in whatever fashion the recipe calls for and then he dumps the rest. That's how I do it. Some would say I'm an idiot or playing with fire. Some would say what a waste. Some would question why if it is so okay with me do I enlist my husband's help. To them... pfft... I do what is working for me. I am fortunate to have the amazing support of my husband and he's happy to do whatever for me. And.. .he's soooo proud of me for what I have accomplished.

I heard yours is too. Protective and proud of your sobriety. That's awesome.

Whatever is happening inside your head... the doubts... the fears... the whatif's... they will pass if you give them the time to do so.

Hang in there

Suga

NYCGirl

I Hi C'est,

That funny I've thought the exact same thing when reading that, But I've relized thats just those demons talking, the part of that doesn't want to gie up drinking forever. the thing is, I might be able to have a glass of wine wiht lunch and be done, or a beer with dinner or even one tiki drink but... I know that there have been and will be a time again soon where it won't be my choice. One will leave to two to thee to four and then well you know the rest.

My point is that's why I here, not because of the time I can have one or two but because of the times that I can't.

I still oook wiht vodka and wine, It hasn't caused me to want a drink, if it does I'll cross that bridge when it come to it.


I agree, One of the big no,no's in alot of people books is my lifestyyle. I am not going to change my whole life. I like my friends many I have had since Jr. High (i am 45), I like my concerts, parties and entertaining, who am I to tell my friends they can't drink around me, because I have a problem. I know if I had to give all of this up not to drink, I would drink. so I have to learn to live with that.

It's gotta work for you or it's not going to work.

Personally I don't think NA beer is worth taking the chance, it's pretty nasty.

aasharon90

Hi C'est. This is Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

Thank you for sharing how u r feeling.

I remember hearing in meetings how getting sober screws up ones drinking career. Since i got sober and if i were to take a drink....with all the knowledge I know now of my disease of alcoholism, it would NEVER be the same.

I know for myself ive said that if i ever take a drink, one drink would never be enough. For me its how i feel and I truely believe it. I cant speak for anyone else just for me.

The resaon why i say that is because when i was drinking i could never have just one drink. I LOVED to drink esp if it was a pretty cold glass of red wine. Or salt rimmed glasses of Margaritas ect.

I liked settling back in my favorite chair in front of the tv after the kids were down and sip away glas after glass till i was numb and fell into bed.

No i didnt like the way i felt when i woke up many times. That i could do without. : )

I dont know if i take a drink if i will ever want to stop. I just know from my past that one drink was never enough. I remember the obsessions i had with drinking. I remember the consequenses i had when drinking.

It's REMEMBERING all the CRAP that came with drinking that i dont want nor miss.

If i could have a single glass of wine..nurse it...leave some in the glasss and go on about my business then i wouldnt be here.

I know that from my past history of drinking that one drink was never enough for me. And thats what makes me different from "normal" folks out there.

Sure its sad at first and even devistating to think u can NEVER drink again.
I felt that way for a long time....but i know after time that i couldnt drink sucessfully again because i had tried to quite for a period of time and the obsession and cravings were so over whelming for me that i gave into them EVERYTIME.

About taking what u want and leaving the rest is what i heard many times.....I dont agree with everything i read or hear. I am in here for myself. Im not worried about how so and so works their program or this or that....I do however respect what they have to say and leave it at that. I dont have to like it or anything like that....Im here for me and what works for me is all i have to worry about.

I have heard and seen others get sober or clean and go back out. I think about that as....BY THE GRACE OF GOD THERE GOES I...... I could be that person but im grateful its not me.

For me...i wouldnt want to trade places with them for anything. Not for the about of sobriety i have. But thats me. Why.....because i REMEMBER how it was when i was drinking, drunk....I remember the feelings i had...good at first then numb....then my behavior spoke volumns. I thought i was a clean drinker...a lady....social drinker....but as time went on when i would have several drinks, then more, the louder obnoxious i became. Then angry, mischivious, liar, cheater, stealer...and a laundry list long.

Then my accidents in Feb 90 when i must have blacked out... that i dont remeber why i hit a 2 ft notch cut out in the road and my front wheel caused me to run off the road and hit a concrete culvert sitting on top the ground. This sent me to the hospital in the back of an EMS truck..which i dont remember....a 10 day stay with them removing my puncture spleen from broken ribs....I was a mess. Coming home at 2am drunk was the result of that.

Then several months later when i didnt drink at all ..just taking pain meds till they didnt work anymore...i decided it was safe to drink again....Yeah right...ud think id learn my lesson on that one...BUT NOOOOOO

So i drank, ended up at the same club drinking, coming home late then had an arguement and by a dare decided well im worthless no good because i keep doing the same old crap over and over again and I cant learn my lesson that when i drink i get drunk and i do all sorts of bad things...so i tried to end my life.

And the story goes i end up in rehab via court order and family intervention.

this was my chance to do something different with my life....did i really think this was the answer...NO.....But i was ordered to stay where i was for 28 days detoxing and miserable and angry and a laundry list of other feelings i had.

It was hard when i got out, but i had enough info to guide me to stay sober...of course it was my desire, my willingness to do this for me and my family. I didnt stay sober on my own. I had to listen to the suggestions even if i didnt want to...because i realized my way to stop drinking NEVER WORKED.

So i hung out at meeting, read my book and went to meetings meetings meetings taking what i wanted and leaving the rest. I followed the actions of my sponsor and stuck with her to the best of my ability.

Today.....well im here one more day sober...am i cured NOPE....but i have the tools to continue to guide me to live a better way of life happier joyous and free of alcohol.

That's how it has worked for me.

Thanks for letting me share.

aasharon90

Its me again. Sharon and Alcoholic.

Its hard to say everything in one writing, so ill add a few more things here.

When i was hauled off to rehab in the back of a police car...ashamed , angry, criminal...me little ol me....how dare them....but it was the way for them to help me when i couldnt help myself. Anyway...

My family knew i had a drinking problem and by request from those that knew better, they were told to get all the alcohol out of the house....anything that would remind me of alcohol.

I use to cook with sherry untill i was desperate and began to drink that nasy stuff... YUK.

And so there would be NO TEMPTATIONS there for me...or if i got weak....

If its not around u then u can drink it, right?

So i had to replace all my drinking parphanalia with recovery tools....tapes, relaxing music,candles, anything AA ...Big Book and so on...then get my butt to a meeting if i got squirrely...And believe me i was squirrely....

I knew what i had to do..get my butt to a meeting even if it was morning noon and night...i went till the squirreliness would begin to ease up.

When i went to meetings, i DINT say a word except my name and the Lord's prayer at the end. Occassionally i would be asked to read How It Works.

Why did i want to spend so much time at meetings....??? because i knew this would save my life and keep me from drinking. I surely didnt want to drink and get back on tha merry go round again. It was hard enough to get off it the first time...there was no way i wanted on again...so i did whatever it took to stay off. I went thru the motions till i eventaully became more at ease with my disease.

Bring the body and the mind will follow.

Anyway.....I will end here before i write a novel. : )

Message me anytime u need an AA friend to talk to.

Thanks for letting me share.

Five

The Recovery Movement is inherently cohersive (even uses deceptive recruiting tactics) C'est - and I know exactly where you are coming from. I would, if I were you, read as many sources on alcoholisim as possible - and not just here which has a huge AA bias. Get a balanced view and then decide what course to take. You may want to look at the latest scientific research on addiction. 5

c'est la vie

I went to a meeting at lunch time and feel like I want to go to another meeting tonight since it's a newcomers meeting and I might be able to share what's on my mind. Unfortunately it's storming here and the kids don't want to be left alone. I think I'll try to call someone but my sponsor and her sponsor are out of town.

I don't know why it seems so important to me to find the absolute answer since it sounds like most people just do whatever works for them (despite the hardline AAers saying you can't do it that way). I guess I should just relax and go with the flow and not worry so much about being around alcohol (which I will), buying alcohol (which I will), cooking with alcohol (which I will) and if things seem like they're making me want to drink, then I can re-examine those things.

It just makes me nuts to think that my choices are viewed as relapses or relapse risks even though I'm not drinking.

Five

sounds sensible...

TexasDawn

Hi Cest,
I'm learning to take what I need and leave the rest just like you are, it's a learning process that's for sure.

I think it takes time to learn to trust our own judgement again. I definitely think it is up to the individual to make the decisions that are right for him/her. Also if you believe in God (or a Higher Power) and that you can have a personal relationship with Him, then it helps to know that ultimately the best answers or confirmations to what you are thinking will come from Him. If you have peace about a decision in your heart then it is probably right for you. It doesn't hurt to get others advice or opinions, as long as you are the one calling the shots in the final analysis and letting the peace in your heart be the judge.

Sometimes we just have to find out what works for us by trial and error. For example, I have had NA beer twice in the last month and it was not triggering for me, so I don't think that it will be a problem FOR ME. But I would never tell another alcoholic that I think that NA beer is okay for them.

That's my 2cents! Thanks for letting me share!

mertyl

Sharon, thanks for shraing your stuff. Takes alot to open up to others and you always seem to have learning experiences to share.

C'est-I feel the same as you in many ways still. I think i am only on day 9 (i stopped counting because i felt it made the pressure bigger for me).
I will admit, that by "definition", I am a full blown alcoholic, but i questioned it for a long time. I have only cooked one time with wine, and it tasted like poo, so I dont have that thought. But i often wondered if "my problem" worsened because of the meetings. If I may, not to offend anyone here, I choose to go to NA meetings for alcoholism. I find them to be more interactive and they seem to hit home.
For a long time, I was bulimic and anorexic. I refused to believe that there was anthing unhealthy about my habits. I relied on laxatives alot, but if i didnt have them, i couldnt use them. My doctor was the one who sent me for treatment because he noticed the change. I fought it. I didnt go because i thought they were stuffing a line of bull down my throat. They wanted you to accept who you were, size no matter. It felt like brainwashing.
But, i know at that time, i was not ready for this yet. It took me a long time to admit it was a problem. I did all the research. I even began to call my way of controlling my life a "sickness". And i didnt like it.
I hated the group therapy, at first. Me and seven other women. And i was very judgemental in my head sitting there. The same way i am sure that when we go to a meeting we listen and tell ourselves, at least we arent that bad, or whatever, to make ourselves feel better. I couldnt believe these people hated themselves so much, still refusing to see i was exactly the same. There was no longer any coddling. There was nothing anyone could do, but myself, to fix this problem. If i would have kept up this battle with eating sicknesses, it would be my 12th year. My heart has palipitations now, and between that and the alcohol, i am sure my liver is about to shut down any minute. and i am only 28.
So this time when i quit drinking, I tried to look at it a different way. I dont want to die. Not now. I have put my body thru hell already and every day i drink, its slowly killing me. Even if i wasnt an alcohlic, I would do my best to let my body heal.
And they do studies about the benefits of having a beer or a glass of wine a day and how healthy it is. Well, i know that i cant be a social drinker. I know i cant have anthing without wanting more. I know I overcame a sickness that ruled my brain so badly that i would actually get up in the middle of the night to weigh myself, to see if two hours sleep had made me lose a pound. And just like the obsession with weight, alcohol has ruled my brain and body for to long. Just the fact that i am here, still tells me that I am thinking about it.

I hope you do well on your journey, whatever path you take. I hope you find what you are looking for.

mertyl

janeeyre

I don't think you need to worry about what other people think, or about how they view you & your choices. Doing that is "crazy making"--believe me, I know! Others can think whatever they please, and it doesn't necessarily have to apply to you. Their experience is not yours.

You've done an amazing job with yourself the past month (and before then, as a matter of fact). I don't believe any one method way of staying sober is right for everybody. Different people may consider certain things "relapsing" (i.e. cooking with wine, drinking NA beer, etc.) but if you know in your heart that's not you, then don't worry about it. (easier said than done, of course, as is 'knowing in your heart' what's true...)

You're good!
Jane

nocellphone

??? What exactly do 12-Step fellowships gain from "recruiting"? Another dollar in the basket?

As far as I've ever seen, the only motive for "recruiting" (a strange choice of words, five...) is to save someone's life. Beyond that, the only thing that may be asked (not required) of a person is to help another struggling person down the line...

As for whether one drink is too many, whether to cook with booze, etc., my thinking is that the brain doesn't know the difference between a little and a lot of alcohol. Alcohol is a chemical, the brain is comprised of and surrounded in chemicals. Chemicals interact. Sometimes there are unfortunate consequences to the interactions, sometimes not. For me, the risks outweigh the benefits.

Looked at another way, I think we'd all agree that alcohol is a potentially dangerous substance when ingested. When left sitting on a table, alcohol is far less dangerous. If I see a gun laying on a table, I don't need to pick it up, put it to my head and pull the trigger to recognize it as being potentially dangerous. I simply recognize the danger and choose not to involve myself with the item.

Anna

Hi C'est,

I don't take the statement that an alcoholic will take one drink and then never want to stop literally.

For me, I think I probably could take just one drink tonight - something like a glass of wine at dinner. And, maybe a few days later the same thing. And that might continue for weeks or months even, but I KNOW that sooner or later I would not be able to stop. At some point, the 'control' that I thought I had, would be gone and I'd be gone. I KNOW that for absolute certainty. So, I don't take the statement literally, but I believe it and know that it's true.

As far as buying alcohol and cooking with it, those are your personal choices and if they work for you then that's all that matters. I prefer to never have alcohol in the house. So, I never have to have that debate with myself at 3 o'clock in the morning when I can't sleep.

Five

Nice post Anna

c'est la vie

I found a website that listed many different alcohols that are used in cooking and what could be used as an alternative. I don't know if I can post the link (assuming I could even figure it out). I think there are times that I will want to use an alternative. I know I can't have a bottle of cognac in the house after using a few tablespoons in a recipe. But I can buy really little bottles of wine for a recipe and not have any left.

I think I'm happier after hearing several of you and a person that I called last night telling me that cooking is OK IF I feel comfortable. Any odd feelings and I must call it quits. I just have to be honest with myself.