Why Are You Afraid To Get Sober Or Clean?
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
I wasn't afraid to quit drinking because I didn't have a problem you see. I had a denial problem, but not a drinking problem. Things progressed and I didn't care what others thought. I wasn't afraid of what they thought or had to say about me, or my problem. %$#@ 'em all. I liked to drink. That is what I did and I would do exactly as I pleased. To h@ll with you if you didn't like it. I got to be pretty scary myself. I was rough and tough and drunk. Then things took a turn and I was no longer drinking because I liked to, but because I had to. I was physically addicted and I had to drink to function. Then I had to drink to be dysfunctional. Sounds crazy doesn't it? I wasn't afraid to stop, I just couldn't and didn't know how to. I welcomed the idea of sobriety, but I didn't know how to get there. The fear of death is what got me over the hump. After getting sober, every fear to follow I would learn to deal with.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: England
Posts: 9
Good and thought provoking post.
I started drinking too much aged about 30 and working abroad and the drinks were cheap and everyone drank to have a good time and we did have a good time. A number of years later and I realised that it had become part of me and that it was no longer such fun but drank anyway, sometimes to fall asleep. More recently, I have had work stresses. In the times of little stress I drank because I could without it affecting my work, but of late when i realise that I am not coping with the high levels of stress that my work brings, I drink because I am afraid to know whether it is me rather than the alchohol that's to blame. Sort of putting off addressing the issue rather than tackling it myself head-on.
I started drinking too much aged about 30 and working abroad and the drinks were cheap and everyone drank to have a good time and we did have a good time. A number of years later and I realised that it had become part of me and that it was no longer such fun but drank anyway, sometimes to fall asleep. More recently, I have had work stresses. In the times of little stress I drank because I could without it affecting my work, but of late when i realise that I am not coping with the high levels of stress that my work brings, I drink because I am afraid to know whether it is me rather than the alchohol that's to blame. Sort of putting off addressing the issue rather than tackling it myself head-on.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: BK, NY
Posts: 41
One thing I am learning is there may be no such thing as "tackling it myself." Without support and love and faith, I am an island surrounded by booze. But with the help of others, there may be a raft yet.
Naps are good.
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 181
Great thread.I drank for many reasons (stress, depression, boredom, social anxiety. etc etc etc) but I'd say the overall most prominent reason would be my extremely low tolerance for pain, whether that be physical or emotionally.
I just wanted to FEEL better.
I wanted that 2-3 hours of euphoria.
I was in love with white zinfandel. If alcohol wasn't such a jealous lover then I would still be hanging out with it today. But alcohol wanted me all to itself. It started making me want to be away from my loved ones so that I could drink by myself and get that feeling of euphoria without someone else making me feel guilty about drinking or being a buzzkill. Alcohol would not stop until it had robbed me of my family and everything else that matters in life. By the grace of God I woke up in time before destroying my family.
Unfortunately I started smoking again. Sigh. Oh well. I will quit that again eventually. But for right now it's my crutch to help get off alcohol. (well that, and God, and AA, and SR!)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
At one point, I could "switch off" my alcoholism and be "normal". I used to have great experiences when I was drinking as well. At some point, I decided that I didn't really need to "switch it off" at all. I guess I figured it was all good. I was in deep denial because I would ignore all the bad stuff and chase the good times. Sometime in those years, I crossed an invisible line, and there is no turning back. Sometime in those years, my alchoholic nature won and it couldn't be reversed. I lost all real control, but held on to an illusion of control provided by my denial.
When I was in a band, it didn't really matter how much I drank. I was always able to do the things which were important to me at the time. I thought I was better at playing music while I was drinking. I felt confident on the stage, and I had no reason to stop. I stuggled with staying sober enough to play the entire night. Our band played 3 sets a night, 3-4 nights a week. Sometimes, I'd get sloppy near the end of the night, but it didn't seem to matter too much.
When I hit my thirties, and the band was no more, I ran out of excuses to drink as heavy I did. Times came when I needed to "switch off" my alcoholism and be "normal" again. I found that this was almost impossible. My denial kicked in again, and again. I started the impossible quest of "controling my drinking". For years I struggled with control of my drinking, but I'd still get blindly drunk every night after work.
Fear and denial were the tools my addiction used to keep me feeding it. I was afriad because I couldn't imagine going without a drink for more than 2 hours. I was in denial, but I was starting to realize it. I was afraid because I built my whole life around my drinking, and I was worried that I'd lose it all if I got sober. Denial kept me from quitting all together. I had this idea that I could control it. I thought I learn how to drink like a "normal' person. This became my great obsession: I was obsessed with becoming a moderate drinker, but I found that this was torture.
By the grace of God, and by the help of AA I am clean and sober today. This website played a big role as well as I was helped out of my fear and denial. In fact, it was because of the *talks* I had with others on SR that I finally got up the courage to quit. I have to say, however, I give ultimate credit to God (my higher power) for taking away the compulsion to drink.
I wish everyone a good 24 hours.
chip
When I was in a band, it didn't really matter how much I drank. I was always able to do the things which were important to me at the time. I thought I was better at playing music while I was drinking. I felt confident on the stage, and I had no reason to stop. I stuggled with staying sober enough to play the entire night. Our band played 3 sets a night, 3-4 nights a week. Sometimes, I'd get sloppy near the end of the night, but it didn't seem to matter too much.
When I hit my thirties, and the band was no more, I ran out of excuses to drink as heavy I did. Times came when I needed to "switch off" my alcoholism and be "normal" again. I found that this was almost impossible. My denial kicked in again, and again. I started the impossible quest of "controling my drinking". For years I struggled with control of my drinking, but I'd still get blindly drunk every night after work.
Fear and denial were the tools my addiction used to keep me feeding it. I was afriad because I couldn't imagine going without a drink for more than 2 hours. I was in denial, but I was starting to realize it. I was afraid because I built my whole life around my drinking, and I was worried that I'd lose it all if I got sober. Denial kept me from quitting all together. I had this idea that I could control it. I thought I learn how to drink like a "normal' person. This became my great obsession: I was obsessed with becoming a moderate drinker, but I found that this was torture.
By the grace of God, and by the help of AA I am clean and sober today. This website played a big role as well as I was helped out of my fear and denial. In fact, it was because of the *talks* I had with others on SR that I finally got up the courage to quit. I have to say, however, I give ultimate credit to God (my higher power) for taking away the compulsion to drink.
I wish everyone a good 24 hours.
chip
Naps are good.
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by chip
I was obsessed with becoming a moderate drinker, but I found that this was torture.
"If I REALLY love alcohol this much then I should be able to find a way to keep it in my life! I SHOULD be able to control it so I can KEEP it."
I guess it's kind of like getting a tiger as a pet. Sure, at first they are little and cute, but then they start to get bigger.... and then you never know if one day they are going to get out of hand and bite your jugular...you know, by accident of course. I'm thinking of that Siegfried and Roy fiasco. Very sad.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: England
Posts: 9
Everything seems easier when your drunk, so you get drunk for longer. The drunk times get longer, the sober times get shorter .... your ability to make sense of it all gets shorter
1 sentence that sums up why we shouldn't drink. So why is it so hard to act ....
1 sentence that sums up why we shouldn't drink. So why is it so hard to act ....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
Drinking was fun at one time. It was the best thing to look forward to at that time. Then when i got drunk and didnt like the way i was feeling then that was when i wanted to cut back ... a little....CONTROL MY DRINKING..... I was constantly getting on the merry go round and wanting to get off of it that was wearing me out. But i could feel the cravings, the urge was more powerful than i could expect. And like u hear..it is CUNNING BAFFLING AND OH SO POWERFUL.
Drinking was easier because you didnt have to feel pain. It gave u that confidence u lacked to face people and situations. Made u feel strong, intelligent, funny, etc. You didnt have to face ur feeling emotions without some sort of guard against it.
To strip away that wall or boundaries would leave u naked to the world. Vunerable. Scared, fearful.etc.
Why would anyone want to take that away?
When i drank i wasnt my true self. I pretended to be something else to hide my less than perfect self. So i wanted to be perfect. i didnt want u to see my flaws. So i drank to hide them. If i was numb enough then in my mind u couldnt see me inside or out. If i couldnt see myself clearly neither could u.
What a perfect disguise.
But u know what...u saw thru me..u saw thru my bullsh*t. Darn and i thought i was unique. Pretty smart. Fooled ya.
Then the alcohol stopped working for me one day. I was doing things not so normal. I wanted alcohol and nothing else mattered. Neither u nor my family friends...I pushed u all away. Then i got in trouble with my accident and trying to kill the pain inside to where my family saw i was in trouble and they stepped in to help me when i was no longer able to help myself.
sure i was afraid, esp when the police came to take me away to rehab. I was more agraid tho of being away from my little ones as long as i was....i had to do what ever it took to get back to them and i did.
Im glad my family stepped in when i didnt want to. Im glad to have a clear head. No fog, no merry-go-round....
Do i want to stay like this forever....????
Just For Today will be fine...Yesterday is gone, tomorow hasnt gotten here yet, so all i have is today.
I CAN HANDLE THAT...It's Simple
Thanks for letting me share.
Drinking was easier because you didnt have to feel pain. It gave u that confidence u lacked to face people and situations. Made u feel strong, intelligent, funny, etc. You didnt have to face ur feeling emotions without some sort of guard against it.
To strip away that wall or boundaries would leave u naked to the world. Vunerable. Scared, fearful.etc.
Why would anyone want to take that away?
When i drank i wasnt my true self. I pretended to be something else to hide my less than perfect self. So i wanted to be perfect. i didnt want u to see my flaws. So i drank to hide them. If i was numb enough then in my mind u couldnt see me inside or out. If i couldnt see myself clearly neither could u.
What a perfect disguise.
But u know what...u saw thru me..u saw thru my bullsh*t. Darn and i thought i was unique. Pretty smart. Fooled ya.
Then the alcohol stopped working for me one day. I was doing things not so normal. I wanted alcohol and nothing else mattered. Neither u nor my family friends...I pushed u all away. Then i got in trouble with my accident and trying to kill the pain inside to where my family saw i was in trouble and they stepped in to help me when i was no longer able to help myself.
sure i was afraid, esp when the police came to take me away to rehab. I was more agraid tho of being away from my little ones as long as i was....i had to do what ever it took to get back to them and i did.
Im glad my family stepped in when i didnt want to. Im glad to have a clear head. No fog, no merry-go-round....
Do i want to stay like this forever....????
Just For Today will be fine...Yesterday is gone, tomorow hasnt gotten here yet, so all i have is today.
I CAN HANDLE THAT...It's Simple
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: England
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by aasharon90
Then when i got drunk and didnt like the way i was feeling then that was when i wanted to cut back ... a little....CONTROL MY DRINKING.....
Drinking was easier because you didnt have to feel pain.
When i drank i wasnt my true self. I pretended to be something else to hide my less than perfect self. So i wanted to be perfect. i didnt want u to see my flaws. So i drank to hide them.
Just For Today will be fine...Yesterday is gone, tomorow hasnt gotten here yet, so all i have is today.
.
Drinking was easier because you didnt have to feel pain.
When i drank i wasnt my true self. I pretended to be something else to hide my less than perfect self. So i wanted to be perfect. i didnt want u to see my flaws. So i drank to hide them.
Just For Today will be fine...Yesterday is gone, tomorow hasnt gotten here yet, so all i have is today.
.
aasharon90 ... I edited your post to reflect those thinigs that that I relate to or struck a chord. Thanks for your post
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
Hi, Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
We all have fears within us. Whether we have the courage to break free of those fears or do we stay hostage to them?
Fears of Change at first is scarry...i know..because ive been there....scared of the unknown.... what to expect....breaking free of ur comfort zone...i had to do that when i moved here to Houston....
To change mean growth....we want to grow and mature in recovery...in order to do that we go to meetings and share with the newcomer our own experiences strengths and hopes of what it was like when we were drinking and drugging...what happened to us while drinking and drugging....then where are we today.....
If u r still out there drinking and drugging....why r u scared to come clean and sober? Are u afraid that u will be alone? In that case....we assure u that u wont be alone.....There is happiness and content and freedom down the road if u really want it....
Share why you are afraid of to come clean or sober....what can we do to help u?
Thanks for letting me share.
Friend in service.
We all have fears within us. Whether we have the courage to break free of those fears or do we stay hostage to them?
Fears of Change at first is scarry...i know..because ive been there....scared of the unknown.... what to expect....breaking free of ur comfort zone...i had to do that when i moved here to Houston....
To change mean growth....we want to grow and mature in recovery...in order to do that we go to meetings and share with the newcomer our own experiences strengths and hopes of what it was like when we were drinking and drugging...what happened to us while drinking and drugging....then where are we today.....
If u r still out there drinking and drugging....why r u scared to come clean and sober? Are u afraid that u will be alone? In that case....we assure u that u wont be alone.....There is happiness and content and freedom down the road if u really want it....
Share why you are afraid of to come clean or sober....what can we do to help u?
Thanks for letting me share.
Friend in service.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: FRIENDSWOOD, TEXAS
Posts: 500
my drinking reasons were to relieve feelings of depression, anxiety, so I would be more social and felt more at ease talking to people, then after drinking awhile I also used alcohol to go to sleep, and relieve stress and so I didnt have to deal w/my problems, it made me feel happy to drink and also have low self esteem, so it helped me feel more confident.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 4
I'm miserable without alcohol.
I'm scared and angry and bitter.
True, past events fuel this feeling...
BUT
I can't leave the house without drink...I start with the panic thing. When I have no booze and I have to walk to the liquor store I freak out and break down and I have to spend the night withdrawing and freaking out.
I used to be strong...then I got hurt emotionally...and now I can't even go to work without a few drinks in me and a few more for lunch.
I'm scared and angry and bitter.
True, past events fuel this feeling...
BUT
I can't leave the house without drink...I start with the panic thing. When I have no booze and I have to walk to the liquor store I freak out and break down and I have to spend the night withdrawing and freaking out.
I used to be strong...then I got hurt emotionally...and now I can't even go to work without a few drinks in me and a few more for lunch.
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