mrswoogie

I have been completely out of the social scene, other than volunteering at my kids' school and playing cards with my hubby and parents. I cannot see myself walking into a BBQ with friends or a pub-type restaurant and being able to sit and enjoy a meal or company without being consumed by the desire to drink. I feel like I'm easing back into an ice cold pool -- dip a toe, than a foot, ankle, leg, etc.

On the other hand, my hubby (also recently sober) is a firm believer in getting right in the middle of a very tempting situation, basically the cannonball in the cold pool method, as one cannot go their entire life avoiding the issue. I've always been a huge procrastinator and avoider (hmmm, I didn't think about that after I'd had a few drinks...), and I've had a much, much rougher time with sobriety than he, so is that a more realistic way to deal with it?

I understand we are all individuals, and some things work better than others, but am I doing myself harm in the long haul by (once again) avoiding the short-term discomfort?

Thanks to all. I apologize for posting so many questions, but I've already gotten so much positive, helpful feedback, and am feeling strong enough to once again try AA.

Anna

You know what you need to do and that's what you should do.

I was very uncomfortable around alcohol when I was newly sober and after trying it one time, knew it would never work for me. Even if I didn't drink, it was just exhausting getting into the obsessing mode again. It would quickly take over my mind. I stayed away from alcohol almost completely for a long time. I had to. Avoiding the short-term discomfort could make you want to drink again. The discomfort will ease as time goes by. You will know when you are able to go back into the drinking environment again.

nogard

IMHO recovery takes its own pace. Things happen at different times for us al with a few things in common, like staying clean and sober one day at a time.

I try not to compare or race, I listen as carefully as I can and do the drill every day (meetings, pray, meditate, talk to members, read, service) and don't worry about the rest of my recovery it will happen as it happens if I put in the work every day.

Kevin

wishful

It sounds like you and your hub can be a great source of support for one another! If you're really uncomfortable going into a social situation, explain it to him - if it's a situation you have a hard time avoiding (work functions, etc.) you might find that talking it over in advance and knowing he's beside you so you can "keep each other honest" is a great help! Best wishes to you both!

planet_dust

I 'challenged' my sobriety a week ago and have been drinking constantly until today. It's scary how quickly things went downhill just because I drank one can at a bbq with a friend who knows nothing of my problem. I'm physically and mentally exhausted now. I drank a can at the bbq and the next night went drinking on my own, I'd had a bad day at work and thought I might as well because I'd already broken my sobriety and also (and this is the twisted logic of alcoholism) I needed a new 'low' to give myself the courage to quit again. I didn't have any dinner and went straight to the pub after work, had a can on the bus home, a can of cider in the park, and walked to a pub I'd never been to before and drank more cider, two double vodkas and coke, another pint of cider which I drank half of and then walked back home with it and smashed the glass on the pavement after I'd finished. Then I went to another pub and had another pint. The pub is always filled with old men and I felt pretty stupid sat there alone and thought everyone was watching me. I was sober again until thursday. I went back on it to celebrate getting onto a uni course. I was really happy because usually I'm terrible at interviews. Anyhow, I thought I'd let myself have a pint because I'd done so well. It was really stupid because I haven't achieved anything and if I carry on like this I'll never pass the course. Last night, a girl I know saw me in the park with a can of cider and I feel awful about it. I must have looked like a tramp. Today I thought alot about drinking, I was feeling terrible most of the day and nearly went out and drank again but instead phoned my mum and then walked around the shopping mall feeling spaced out. So it's day one again, but at least I didn't drink today. Sorry to go off subject, but I needed to share that. I think you should do what feels right, just as long as you don't drink.
pete

Sugah

I've been in situations, even in early sobriety, where alcohol was served, and I've taken the suggestion to have a sober person with me. It helps, though, if that sober person understands alcoholism, either because s/he is one or because s/he has taken the time to educate her/himself.

I've been cautioned about two newly-sober folks getting in the midst of a potentially dangerous situation.

I'm wondering...I'm not on this board a lot lately, so I don't know your background. Does your husband believe himself to be alcoholic? Is he going to AA? I get that you've both made the decision to stop drinking together...and you've said he doesn't seem to have any urges to drink, but you do. Only he can make the determination, but is it possible or apparent that only one of you (meaning, you) is alcoholic? I drank heavily with a partner in the past, and he quit when I quit. Only, he didn't have any trouble quitting because he wasn't alcoholic. And, he couldn't understand why I had such a hard time staying away from it, or why I would get cranky as hell when we were around others drinking.

Having read your post from yesterday about urges combined with this post today about being around social drinking, I must tell you that I'd be concerned about the temptation if I were in your shoes.

For what it's worth, I've also had a bit of an issue with any cookie-cutter program, but I've found by sticking with it that the bare bones of the program (the steps) and enlarging my spiritual life, I am free to express myself as an individual, and my program speaks for itself. I don't have to feel I must compete to be the "best alcoholic" in the room. Wow..that sounds kind of silly, doesn't it?

Hope you find what you need to continue on this road. Buckle up...it's a wild ride.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

earlybird

Nobody can tell you how to handle your sobriety. How could your husband, who isnt an alcoholic, have the slightest idea on how you should approach social situations??? What if you 'do that cannonball' and it causes you to relapse because it was too much too soon? Slow and easy wins the race. YOUR own pace. Not his. Yours. If you are weary over it,...then DONT do it.

mertyl

i read your origanl post and know that you are both, as terrible as it sounds, but have admitted on your part, alcoholics. And you are doing so well.
your feet in the pond....from dip of the ankle, leads to whole body submersion. And it really sucks to say that maybe you are further along then the hubby.
I have a similar situation but i am not going to talk about it right now. I just want you to know that this not easy. I just hope that you will remain strong and not be altered by someone else who is not at the point you are.
Keep your head up and feet out of the water. No matter how shallow the dip, there is a reason for life jackets. And i hope that this site will be one for you, and stay a float.

Kellye C

What I am told in AA is this. If you hang around a barbershop enough eventually you are going to get a haircut.

In early sobriety, I stayed as far away from alcohol as I could. It was my sworn enemy. I wouldn't even go down grocery aisles where the beer and wine were. After a couple of months I had an urge to go dancing. I took a fellow AA'er with me (who had multiple years sober) and we stayed for a bit. As it got more crowded and I was surrounded by more and more alcohol I got squirrely and I told him I had to leave NOW. I didn't do that again for a long while.

Earlier this year I had one occassion where I was in a beer joint to pick up some rodeo tickets from my dad (only place you can find him sad but true). He and his wife both know I am an alcoholic and support my efforts fully even if they don't want to do this for themselves. Anyway I sat there and drank a Diet Coke and talked to him for about 30min. I started freaking out inside thinking about how my life had been and how it could have well turned out (me sitting in a beer joint day after day) and I told him I had to leave. I drove like my butt was on fire to a meeting.

I've been in situations where there was alcohol where it didn't bother me and where it did. A lot depends on how spiritually fit I am. Here are some rules, tools, whatever you want to call them, that I have used and so far they have worked.

1. Never go alone. There is absolutely NO reason why I should be somewhere alone where there is alcohol.

2. Whenever possible, go with a fellow sober alcoholic who is also spiritually fit or family who will just give me that extra edge of accountability.

3. Examine myself and my motives prior to going. If my thinking is throwed off and I even think I might romance the drink, I don't go. Period.

4. Have an escape hatch. When things get too uncomfortable, I'm out of there. Period.

5. I call someone (like a sponsor or close sober friend) before I go, while I'm there and when I leave. Keeps me grounded and a little more accountability. I don't do this if I'm with a fellow AA'er.

6. I remind myself with a real quick trip down memory lane of my last days of drinking, the shakes, the withdrawals and the utter feeling of defeat prior to my getting sober.

I am ok in restaurants where liquor is served. I smoke so oftentimes here in Texas that is where you will be seated where you can smoke is in the bar. Doesn't bother me. I am NOT ok in environments where there is a lot of drinking going on around me, people getting sloppy drunk, and the air and people reek of it. I had a bad experience at the Houston Rodeo in March because of this as well as an Astros game.

So, anyway, I've shared my experiences with this. I cannot tell you what to do and not to do but by sharing some experiences hopefully I can give you some things to think about or things to do before going into an environment where there is alcohol.

I hope you find something I said helpful!
Kellye

mrswoogie

Thanks to all...

To recap: My hubby was originally the one who quit drinking; he'd gotten a DUI and was getting to be an angry, out of control drunk. No violence but intimidation and yelling. His father, aunt and brother are all admitted alcoholics, and his dad stopped drinking for 23 years, starting back up 4 years ago. Well, he finally came to the realization that he needed to stop drinking or I was taking the kids and staying at my parents. He started daily AA meetings, going to the gym, we're seeing a marriage counsellor. I stopped drinking to "make it easier" for HIM to stop. Ha-ha, joke's on me -- I was an alcoholic and have had a terrible time, lots of very, very close slips. I would have said he's an alcoholic (he could put away a 12-pack of light beer), but I'm not (even though I'd drink 4 to 6 stouts, which are double or more the alcohol content). I guess that would be denial and justifying continuing drinking.

Anyhoo -- like I said, he's been much more dedicated to sobriety and has not been "jonesing" for a drink. Maybe he percieved he had more to lose.

That's a little more background. Thank you and I welcome any further advice.

2dayzmuse

Yeah, I wouldn't tempt the devil in the beginning. Get some sturdy sobriety knowledge under your belt, then see how you feel about drinking events. It is okay for me to be around drinking now, in small doses. There are always those awkward moments and the point where I reach my threshold of drunks. Take some time before you participate. Like Kellye said, always have a plan and an out. It gets better with time.