lindee29

I thought that I was doing so well...and I really was...I haven;t even had the thought of using in my head fro MANY months...but it always the horrible things in your life that happen that bring up old demons...
The love of my life was murdered last week...he was shot multiple times in the chest and is gone..we were no longer together...but I loved him none the less...It was over a dope deal that went wrong..I know that he was an adult..I know that he was in the wrong situation...but it doesn't change that fact that it still hurts. The man who shot him has been arrested..and is awaiting trial..and I hope that the s.o.b. gets what he deserves..I hope that he rots in prison for the rest of his pothtic life..and I hope that the thought of he killed someone haunts him for the rest of his life..I hope that he sees his face everyday...sorry..didn't mean to go off on a tangent...I find myself finding it hard not to fall into old habbits.
I would love nothin more than to pick up the old pipe and not think about it...I know that it won't solve nothin...but it sure sounds good not to feel right now...cuz to be honest..all I feel right now is hurt and MAJOR pain...I didn't think that I wouldn't have the chance to make ammends with him...but now that oppertunaty is gone and there is nothing that I can do about it now. Say a prayer for me and for him...I hope that I will get to see him when I am gone..I just need to get somethings off my chest..and Iknow that noone here will judge me here...so thank you!!

ChrisMan

Lindee29,

So very sorry to hear about this tragedy in your life. It is at times like these when we really want the "comfort" of addiction. It is good you came here to find your comfort. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hope you keep posting and also hope you have other people/friends with whom you can talk about these things.
ChrisMan

findingout

Big hugs lindee29. What a horrible thing to have to deal with. It's so good to hear that you know that picking up won't change a thing and won't really make the hurt any less.

One Love, One Heart,
Tony

aloneagainor

Lindee, my heart reaches out to you. There's so much emotion here; that you're in touch with it and feeling it and seeing it for what it is provides you solid grounding to work through this. It's when we're out of touch with our emotions that we get lost in them and can't deal with it, end up making irrational and reactionary bad decisions and all. Very good you know to keep thinking straight so you can help yourself and reach out to allow others in to help you. Holding regrets for things in our past that can not be resolved is a heavy burden to carry. Perhaps you can rely on your faith, knowing that there is a spiritual connection to and between all, and work through that to reconcile your anger, regrets, sadness, and loss. This is a profoundly deep spiritual experience in your life, pointing to the importance of connecting with others in mind and in spirit. So good you're here reaching out. Be strong. I wish you well.

Kellye C

Big hugs to you. I am SO sorry for what happened and what you are going through. You may want to check out the grief and loss forum for additional support. I applaud you for being aware enough of yourself to know that while you may WANT to numb out and not feel that it is not an answer. Trust me, you will still have to deal with all when you come out of it. Much better to do it now, sober, and get through it. I hope you will use the board here for support and look into possible counseling for anything you need help processing. Murder is hard because not only do you have the shock and grief of losing someone but you have to process the feelings for the person who committed the act too. Hatred can poison us and we have to be on guard against resentments. You are in my prayers and thoughts and I am SO glad you reached out instead of picking up the pipe!

Hugs,
Kellye

Arura

Hello lindee, i can totally understand how you are feeling right now.
So Sorry for your loss.Im sure youll pull throught this one as well.!

My sons dad o/d on the grass at euston station in London in 2000. I had'nt seen him for 7 yrs.!, and it hurt.!I felt so sorry for him.
All the feelings i had for him at one time came back to me.It soon went ,though as time went on and after the funeral his Boyfriend! came and gave me his deepest sympathys.Which just blew me off the floor.As long as he was happy at that time.Is all that counts.!

When I look back on it now. its with deep sadness for him.I said my good bys in my own way.As Euston is on one of my routes i carnt avoid.
So when i cycle past the place in spring crocus's are were he was found now. Which put that to rest in away.
These feelings will pass. and i pray for you and your family at this time.

I do hope all goes well with the funeral n you stay safe

Love x

Anna

Oh Lindee,

That is such an awful experience for you to have to go through.

Sometimes we don't have the opportunity to try to repair the damage that we did when we were using/drinking, but that's okay. We can only do what we can do. You are in a very sad place right now, but things will begin to look better, so please hang on.

michski

I too have lost many because of their addictions. I'm sorry this has happened but the story is oh so common. It doesn't hurt any less that our loved ones died because of their addiction and bad choices, but it is a important lesson for you to NOT put yourself back into such a dangerous and negative way of life. I applaud you for not picking up. Two wrongs won't make it right.

lindee29

Thank you very much for all that you all have said..it means alot...as you can see bythe time that I post..i'm not havin an easy time sleepin at night. The wonderful news that I got there was going to be a memorial sevice today...but it was for the family and NONE of us that were friends were invited nor welcome. It's really quite sad that his family is blamming his freinds for his choices. If that wasn't bad enough..he was cremated and his remains will be taken to Utah. I think that it's really sad that his family is reacting this way. I realize now that I will get through this and I will be ok. I want to thank you all again for sheding some light on a subject that I couldn't see at first. I just miss him.

Arura

Hope you feel abit lighter soon Lindee, sometimes time is the only healer.

Thinking of you at this difficult time.

Stay Strong.


...x

wishful

Maybe you could have a little private get-together with his friends as a private memorial service? I'm sure his family is hurting too at this time and is maybe not making the most rational decisions because of it, but that's not to say that you can't commemorate his passing and share some memories with the other folks who knew him.

Sending a big hug to you in your hurt, with hopes for healing, too!

mertyl

Lindee,
As terrible as everything seems, it will get better. The hurt will be there for a long time and i am sure he will be in your heart forever. Wishful posted a good idea.
I just wanted to say-stay strong. You had the right idea by not picking up and instead reaching out.
Good Luck