Sobriety1st

Hello, i am Tonya and i am an alcoholic..i have 54 days sober today, which makes me a little nervous because i slipped on day 58 113 days ago, and so my thinking may be irrational at times lately..and i think ( i do that too much), my best friend got a taste of it the other day..
Her and I worked together for almost 2 yrs. after we became the best of friends, we were inseperable..in Feb. i quit my job to stay home with my daughter, and we continued our friendship, but i was the one to go to her job, get her for lunch, or go to her house to visit..in the 6 months that i have quit work, not once has she been to my home to visit..the last 4 times that i have suggested lunch to her, me coming there, which is 13 miles from where i live, she has turned me down to have lunch with her husband..now, don't get me wrong, of course your husband comes before your friends, but, i was trying desperately to keep the spirit of our friendship alive..by always being the one to make the effort for us to spend at least an hour or so together every now and then..we talk on the phone everyday, without fail..but lately i have felt that i have been putting fourth the effort, as she has not, and so i sent her an email telling her how i felt..it is very limited as to when i get over to see her, so i was taking every oppurtunity when i could, beings my husband works out of town, i woul usually go when he could keep our daughter, and so i told her how i felt, and she became very defensive in her email response to me..and hasn't called me in 3 days..i am afraid that being honest about how i feel has damaged our friendship, and now is when i need her the most, and i am not sure how to go about making it right without taking back my feelings, and i truly feel that she hasn't put fourth the effort in our friendship..so i am not sure what to do..i sure do miss her, but i can't act as though i am not hurt that she couldn't spare an hour of her time with me to go to lunch with her husband whom she lives with and spends everyday with, therefore i felt that she could sacrafice an hour..am i wrong in this? it isn't like her to become so defensive, and to not call and discuss it..i have always been able to tell her my feelings no matter what, and she never threw them back in my face as she did this time..and she is not an alcoholic, doesn't consume any..so my sobriety isn't an issue with her..i just am wondering if any of you suggest that i am being selfish, or over reacting in my feelings..thank you..have a great day..Tonya

aasharon90

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

First of all Tonya.... 54 days sober is a good start in ur recovery. Second welcome to Sober Recovery.

There are many people here sharing their own experiences, strengths and hopes with each other in order to help others stay clean and sober one day at a time.

Friendships are made and broken all the time for one reason or another. Im sorry to hear about the situation u r in with ur friend.

I had 2 school friends in grade school and high school that stuck by me when my life was going thru its ups and downs. They knew of my darkest hours of physical and verbal abuse I endured during my 12 yrs of schooling. Friends that stick with u thru thick and thin are very hard to come by.

BUT.....people change, situations change, they grow up, mature, and move on with life. Theres no quarantees in life. In recovery u will eventually understand that we have to ACCEPT PEOPLE, PLACES AND THINGS JUST AS THEY ARE.

My girlfriends moved on. Finished college, got married and had families or moved out of state to other callings in life.

I too myself left my home town 10 yrs ago to move in another state. We uprooted the kids and brought them to a place to expand their horizons. So far so good in that MIRACLE OF LIFE IN MY SOBRIETY.

Back to the friends.....yes, while my friends were moving on and making something of their lives, i became sick with my disease of alcoholism. I was the one to shun everyone...family and friends away from me. I was envious, jealous, angry, selfish with myself because i couldnt have that normal life they had. Everything with me and my life included ALCOHOL. I felt soooo different from my family and friends that i didnt want to be around them.

My family and friends didnt do anything wrong to me...it was me who thought things were wrong...my distorted view and thinking of life and things.

Today, some 15 yrs sober, i am still ALONE.....alone in the way, that i still keep my distance from family and friends because i feel like they are judging me for my behavior in the past. Which was HORRIBLE....but i couldnt help it because i was so sick into my disease.

Today, I still know im an Alcoholic and can NEVER be "NORMAL" like them...normal in the fact i cant drink and socialize like them.

It's my disease that keeps me prisoner in my selfish and self-centerd ways of thinking.

But.....im still here to learn....Im still here to stay sober no matter what. whether i have "normal" friends or family" or not.

My life is different today. I have another purpose in life and that's to help other recovering members stay clean and sober by sharing my own experiences, strengths and hopes with them one day at a time.

My friends today are YOU GUYS. You give me hope, inspiration, love, care, support and understanding. We have a special bond all of us. something u can get with "Normal" folks. That's people that dont have a problem with drinking and drugs.

So today, i dont have my 2 childhood friends who were with me thru thick and thin and i dont have a loveing family that brought me into the world mainly because they dont understand the disease of alcoholism and my purpose in life today.

That's ok people.....today I am Happy, Joyous and Free within myself.

The MAIN ONE i have to please today and to be FOREVER GRATEFUL to is my HIGHER POWER. For giving me a second chance in life to LIVE a better way of life SOBER.

Tonya, hang in there....there will be many NEW RECOVERYING FRIENDS and SUPPORT here in SR to travel the road with u as u continue on ur sober journey.

Thanks for letting me share.

mertyl

Tonya. Congrats on the days of your sobriety. My first thought when i read this was maybe your friend had addict issues of her own. Maybe not her in herself, but her husband. But then i read the above post and I realized how true Sharon's words were. And it really saddened me to realize that life is like that.
Its just my opinion that sometimes we, as individuals, feel overwhelmed. And so do our friends.
I would like to use my mom, who used to be my best friend, as an example.
After my divorce, and even before, my mom was there anytime. Anytime to hear me cry, laugh and without judgement, try to give advice. And most of the time, I was drunk. She knew. She tried to sober me up.
But i wasnt ready. And after a while, she became busy. Not that she didnt love me. She was using tough love. Maybe i would clean up if she wasnt there at the drop of a hat.
I realize you have been clean for some time. And i would hope that your friend has unconditional love for you, no matter your troubles and sober thoughts, at any time of day. But perhaps at this time, she has something personal going on and feels overwhelmed by being a support to someone else. And she is not ready to talk yet. My suggestion? Just give her a bit a breathing room and use this site for now for support. Because she may just need you for something but is afraid to speak up right now. And if thats not the case, remember what sharon said about friends.
good luck

Sobriety1st

Thank you all..very helpful suggestions, and imagine that calling my sister this morning, she said the very same thing you two said..she is also in recovery, so how awesome is that..one thing i did confront within myself was that if i don't put in more than what is offered in a friendship, then there is no room for resentment, because i realized that was what i was feeling, resentment, for her not putting fourth the effort, so therefore i was trying to control her actions, and that is not right on my part..maybe i should be more accepting like you said, and give her some time to deal with something that she may not be telling me..which would be unusual, because we use to tell eachother everything, but i realize i may have to accept that the time that GOD put us into eachother's lives, for whatever reason, may be over, and as much as that hurts, i will learn to let go and let GOD do with me as HE will..thank you all for listening..i look forward to finding some great friendship and support right here at SR..thanks..