Husband leaves Vicoden/Sick bitch
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Littletown, OK
Posts: 81
Beachbabe,
Just from my experience, codependency is the most dangerous, insidious and potentially lethal addiction out there. These are the phrases that let me know it's time to run:
"You can depend/rely/trust (on) me."
"Why can't you just let me help you?"
"Everything would be okay/fine, if you'd just do what I want."
"You don't need anyone, do you?"
I've heard them from every man with whom I've had a relationship. These phrases usually precede some nasty abuse, be it emotional, sexual or physical. Public humiliation, burning my favorite clothes, sabotage to my vehicle, trying to run me down in a parking lot, stalking, demanding to know my activities in advance, good-old-fashion beatings, choking and convincing my family/friends that I'm crazy...just a sampling.
I'm thinking codependency was/is my original addiction and drinking/drugging just became my sorry way of coping with the situations. 'Cause I do know there's some people out there who are far sicker than I.
So today...I live alone. I don't use anything. I don't date and I don't walk around on eggshells.
I am becoming very good at saying "no". I'm learning to trust myself and my instincts. I'm learning to examine my motivations for my actions. I'm creating boundaries, where I had none. I'm learning how to respect myself and I kinda like the woman I see in the mirror.
Most importantly, I'm learning there ain't no magic out there that's gonna make it all better. No magic pills. No magic powders. No magic elixers. No one's got a magic wand and there ain't no such a thing, as a knight on a white horse to save a damsel in distress.
In fact, if Rapunzel could make a rope out of her hair, why didn't she just cut the **** off and climb out the window, her own damn self!?!
(I better remember that trick. I've never been locked in a tower but *anything* is possible.)
That's my celebratory thought for the day. Number 200. Hooray!
Kierra
Just from my experience, codependency is the most dangerous, insidious and potentially lethal addiction out there. These are the phrases that let me know it's time to run:
"You can depend/rely/trust (on) me."
"Why can't you just let me help you?"
"Everything would be okay/fine, if you'd just do what I want."
"You don't need anyone, do you?"
I've heard them from every man with whom I've had a relationship. These phrases usually precede some nasty abuse, be it emotional, sexual or physical. Public humiliation, burning my favorite clothes, sabotage to my vehicle, trying to run me down in a parking lot, stalking, demanding to know my activities in advance, good-old-fashion beatings, choking and convincing my family/friends that I'm crazy...just a sampling.
I'm thinking codependency was/is my original addiction and drinking/drugging just became my sorry way of coping with the situations. 'Cause I do know there's some people out there who are far sicker than I.
So today...I live alone. I don't use anything. I don't date and I don't walk around on eggshells.
I am becoming very good at saying "no". I'm learning to trust myself and my instincts. I'm learning to examine my motivations for my actions. I'm creating boundaries, where I had none. I'm learning how to respect myself and I kinda like the woman I see in the mirror.
Most importantly, I'm learning there ain't no magic out there that's gonna make it all better. No magic pills. No magic powders. No magic elixers. No one's got a magic wand and there ain't no such a thing, as a knight on a white horse to save a damsel in distress.
In fact, if Rapunzel could make a rope out of her hair, why didn't she just cut the **** off and climb out the window, her own damn self!?!
(I better remember that trick. I've never been locked in a tower but *anything* is possible.)
That's my celebratory thought for the day. Number 200. Hooray!
Kierra
Sojourner
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bellingham Washington
Posts: 90
things that make you go.
eloquently put Ki,, you have placed that very well into words.. perhaps all that was missing from this thread was those exact words... simple truthfull and indicative of the intrinsic natural behavior of every man moving a muscle on behalf of his muscle....
i regret to inform you that i am aware of that person in me..... as an addict and an abuser myself ... i am trying to do the best i can to not be either of those... however in your description you left out one small part.....
gently i say ... and with no pretintions .... the benifits of leaving are to become well...the conesquences of holding onto the relationship as long as you do until the day you leave simultaneously replace the acceptance you currently hold onto of the way youre being treated. i guess in simple terms...you dont get to choose how things end up you get to choose the road you take to where things end up....or visA-versa... im not well to do with useing simpelton terms ...such as those....
Damn Ki you struck a nerve in me....its for the best im sure....
Bbabe...you struck a nerve in me...and from that i hope for you everything comes out best...youre not alone in what youre going through with your significant other.... its called Mourning.... sadly i never finished mourning the relationship i ended last year with my current wife so that we could start the relationship were in now thats the nerve thats been struck..oh my...oh my.. the things we said this morning before she went to work...the things i said....well ill leave this where it is for now ....
ty both...
Jester.
i regret to inform you that i am aware of that person in me..... as an addict and an abuser myself ... i am trying to do the best i can to not be either of those... however in your description you left out one small part.....
gently i say ... and with no pretintions .... the benifits of leaving are to become well...the conesquences of holding onto the relationship as long as you do until the day you leave simultaneously replace the acceptance you currently hold onto of the way youre being treated. i guess in simple terms...you dont get to choose how things end up you get to choose the road you take to where things end up....or visA-versa... im not well to do with useing simpelton terms ...such as those....
Damn Ki you struck a nerve in me....its for the best im sure....
Bbabe...you struck a nerve in me...and from that i hope for you everything comes out best...youre not alone in what youre going through with your significant other.... its called Mourning.... sadly i never finished mourning the relationship i ended last year with my current wife so that we could start the relationship were in now thats the nerve thats been struck..oh my...oh my.. the things we said this morning before she went to work...the things i said....well ill leave this where it is for now ....
ty both...
Jester.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
Beach Babe, lose the fish. That's not only insensitive it shows a complete lack of an ability to empathize... not sympathize, empathize... think sociopathic ... what he did is expose his inability to experience emotions and to step beyond his own selfish view of the world
Don't mince words, don't try to work it out, let go, move onto a better place. There is a better place for you in this world, and it does not include him.
That is truly sick and twisted. At least my friends that I used to use with made a choice, he doesn't do what we do anymore, so we won't hang with him... painful yes, but not harmful, respected my decision. That act of his was purely malicious, think evil.
T.
Don't mince words, don't try to work it out, let go, move onto a better place. There is a better place for you in this world, and it does not include him.
That is truly sick and twisted. At least my friends that I used to use with made a choice, he doesn't do what we do anymore, so we won't hang with him... painful yes, but not harmful, respected my decision. That act of his was purely malicious, think evil.
T.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: On a Boat in the Gulf
Posts: 308
God I know... he is sick. But I have raised his babies for all these years. One is 6, 11, 15 and then my 17 yr old. Im the only 'mama' they know.
Without me, he would be their only influence until he remarried and only Gods knows how she would treat my babies.
I have no rights to these babies. Courts care not that a step mother/father raised children when the real parent wouldnt. I would be divorcing my babies too... babies I have no legal right to ever see again.
I can defend myself against his sickness (I think) if I can hold onto these babies. Step-parents have no rights.
I foolishly, being the person I am, love them as if they were my own and actually have to sometimes be reminded they arent. Like about every 6 months when their birth mother drops by to terrorize them (runs in the door, hugs them and guiltless throws her purse over her shoulder and walks out the door.) The boys dont watch her leave at the door anymore.
They ask why she comes. Maybe they too like not to be reminded?
If I could do anything for the world it wouldnt be to cure hunger, disease, any of those fancy things. It would be for one gift from God... I would pray for all children to have a chance to be just that and never hurt, be scared or worry. The thought of a hurt child kills me.
I was one. Noone knew, noone ever does. We hide it. I suppose just to grow up to be addicts to make go away for a little bit.
Without me, he would be their only influence until he remarried and only Gods knows how she would treat my babies.
I have no rights to these babies. Courts care not that a step mother/father raised children when the real parent wouldnt. I would be divorcing my babies too... babies I have no legal right to ever see again.
I can defend myself against his sickness (I think) if I can hold onto these babies. Step-parents have no rights.
I foolishly, being the person I am, love them as if they were my own and actually have to sometimes be reminded they arent. Like about every 6 months when their birth mother drops by to terrorize them (runs in the door, hugs them and guiltless throws her purse over her shoulder and walks out the door.) The boys dont watch her leave at the door anymore.
They ask why she comes. Maybe they too like not to be reminded?
If I could do anything for the world it wouldnt be to cure hunger, disease, any of those fancy things. It would be for one gift from God... I would pray for all children to have a chance to be just that and never hurt, be scared or worry. The thought of a hurt child kills me.
I was one. Noone knew, noone ever does. We hide it. I suppose just to grow up to be addicts to make go away for a little bit.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
BeachBabe
Your last post is really a huge step towards looking more clearly at the best choices for all involved. Keep open to a better outcome especially if you take steps away from the abusive relationship. The love you have for the children is never lost.
Can I suggest you post this over at Friends and Family of Alcoholics? There are a group of solid people there with good healthy recovery from codendency who can support you, maybe even more than here.
Take it Easy
Your last post is really a huge step towards looking more clearly at the best choices for all involved. Keep open to a better outcome especially if you take steps away from the abusive relationship. The love you have for the children is never lost.
Can I suggest you post this over at Friends and Family of Alcoholics? There are a group of solid people there with good healthy recovery from codendency who can support you, maybe even more than here.
Take it Easy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: On a Boat in the Gulf
Posts: 308
Thanks Miss:
This is a great board once you learn to navigate it but it tricky at first.
Should I just give a short intro and then post the link? I know I need to get out of this but I cant throw these babies to the wolves.
This is a great board once you learn to navigate it but it tricky at first.
Should I just give a short intro and then post the link? I know I need to get out of this but I cant throw these babies to the wolves.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
Beachbabe, I don't know where you live, but the law where I live, Canada, is that step parents do have rights and can get custody. Especially where the custodial parent is addicted to drugs and/or highly abusive. Moreover a common law / step parent can step into the shoes of the biological parent if they can show they are the best bet for the best interests of the child's social, emotional, physical and spiritual development.
You may want to talk to a lawyer where you are at about this. In Canada call legal aid / lawyer referal service associated with the provincial Bar Society. In US there must be something similar, just not sure what.
You may want to talk to a lawyer where you are at about this. In Canada call legal aid / lawyer referal service associated with the provincial Bar Society. In US there must be something similar, just not sure what.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Maybe a short intro, and copy and paste your previous post, to save time, and ask for support. Be prepared...there are some people there who are going to be all warm and fuzzy, but there are some who are marching on out of bad scenes who will pick you up, kick your butt, hold your hand, open your eyes...all with kindness though! Good place for you today~~~
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in a better place
Posts: 1,406
I have a friend in Illinois who was able to get custody of her step son because the mother was a basket case and the father was a loser. Please do contact a professional about your situation. Don't assume you have no power in the matter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: On a Boat in the Gulf
Posts: 308
I had no idea
*feels hope fill her and begins her research*
All of these babies would come with me if asked. All of them are over 12 (almost) except for the baby.
I dont want to steal anyones children. I want to raise them well. I dont want them out of selfishness but because their Dad is abusive to women in general and their Mother is non-existant.
*feels hope fill her and begins her research*
All of these babies would come with me if asked. All of them are over 12 (almost) except for the baby.
I dont want to steal anyones children. I want to raise them well. I dont want them out of selfishness but because their Dad is abusive to women in general and their Mother is non-existant.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
OKAY, good.
And remember you have needs too, for a healthy life.
You cannot transmit what you don't possess, it says in the Big Book.
It is similar to the oxygen masks on the airplane dropping down with instructions:"Mothers, place the mask over your own face FIRST before administering to children"
Keep healing your own life and research your options. You will get stronger and feel directed each step you take. Good start!
And remember you have needs too, for a healthy life.
You cannot transmit what you don't possess, it says in the Big Book.
It is similar to the oxygen masks on the airplane dropping down with instructions:"Mothers, place the mask over your own face FIRST before administering to children"
Keep healing your own life and research your options. You will get stronger and feel directed each step you take. Good start!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Scotch Plains NJ
Posts: 5
maybe you should order him a hooker or an erotic massuse or something.. just to see how "serious" he is about your commitment.
sounds like you have a decent support group... VERY glad to hear it. Take care of you. That really sucks when your partner pulls crap like that. Really sorry... people got enough crap in life to deal with, dont need extra for no reason
sounds like you have a decent support group... VERY glad to hear it. Take care of you. That really sucks when your partner pulls crap like that. Really sorry... people got enough crap in life to deal with, dont need extra for no reason
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