ilovebdj

"Hi, my name is So and So, and I'm at my wits end!"

"Hi, So and So."

I have been dealing w/ an active alcoholic for 3 years. When we first met, we did what a lot of couples do...we go out and drink. Usually once this honeymoon phase is over, I chill out on the drinking and start getting "domesticated". (What can I say, I'm a homebody at heart.) A few months after dating he told me he thought he had a drinking problem. I honestly thought he was just looking for attention and didn't take him too seriously. First mistake. Not to mention this would have been great to get on tape since it was one of the few times he actually admitted to having a problem.

Fast forward...have caught him drinking probably 10 - 15 times since he decided to go sober (2 years). I've done it all.....kicked him out, yelled, screamed, went to my Al-Anon meetings, dragged him to AA, even paid to have a counselor come to our apartment to speak to him because he couldn't get out of bed. I have had experience w/ alcoholics.....Dad is a raging one, haven't seen him since I was 16.....Mom is on again/off again, haven't seen her since I was 18 (I'm 33).....my boss of 10 years is a recovering alcoholic, doing well, no longer working a program but does triathalons and such. Anyway, as I said, I've tried everything. Nothing worked.

So, after my realization that I can't change him no matter how many times I dump a bottle down the drain, take away his ATM card, or watch him from the time he gets home from work (when he holds a job), I tried "detachment". For the past eight months I've busted him drinking about four times. I didn't have a reaction. I just told him it was driving me further and to get help, end of story. No kicking him out, no yelling or screaming, just as I saw it, detachment w/ love.

Back story....his Dad is an alcoholic, his Mom is bi-polar. (lovely couple...divorced after thirty years of marriage, last year)...His Dad is also a substance abuse counselor who is in denial about his own alcoholism. (double whammy.) All of his friends like the drunk guy and don't think he has a problem, but of course they aren't wiping up pee, picking up artwork that he knocked down, getting annoyed over ANOTHER burn mark on the couch, cleaning out the truck full of bottles so if he ever gets pulled over he won't get in trouble, yada yada.

Mainly, he went into another hole this week. It's easy to spot. He decides to take the day off of work. Then off of school. Then he's gone for a few hours. Then I get mad. Then he takes the entire week off and drinks the whole time. I've done everything, but this time he is actually out of the house and I am packing up his stuff. He said he'll go to meetings, get help, going to detox on Monday supposedly, but I have drawn the line in the sand. I told him that the only way he'll make it back into this house is to work some kind of a program and be sober for a year, no slip ups. Am I being too hard? And someone please tell me how to get this DETACHMENT thing down pat? I've had such a hard time with all of this. We have no kids or mortgage at this time. Thanks for everyone's help.

xoxoxo

best

It isn't a thing but more so a state of mind.
When you come to the realization that you can't fix it...so why get upset over it.
You didn't cause it... so why get upset or feel guilty about it
You can't change it... so why keep putting out all kinds of efforts trying to change it.

Once all that is set in your mind... you find the DETACHMENT thing.

Boundaries are not tools to bring him to recovery. They are lines in the sand that keep peace in "your" space.
A year of recovery doesn't need be the requirement. A day to day recovery can work. One thing with lines in sand...you can wipe away a line and redraw it. Not something to do often but it is something that can be done. once or maybe twice. before setting a boundary...weigh out the cost and set the boundary in a place you can live with. To tough or to weak can both bring problems. Set boundaries with emotions on hold.

ilovebdj

When I was going to Al Anon, they told me not to do anything drastic at first, just to let "nature take it's course". I've tried that. By having him out of the house I felt maybe I was forcing him to make a decision. When I've read literature, it all says, have them be sober for a year before jumping into a relationship. Are you saying I shouldn't have kicked him out? Thanks for your guidance at this late hour.

xoxoxo

best

You can't force anyone to do anything. Relationships for a year is talking about...starting one.
First year of recovery, people should work on their recovery and not spend time looking to do new, emotional draining things. Your marriage is not something new. It is something that is.

From the point of acceptance that I needed change, I started to grow. It took me about a year to grow to a point that I noticed change. Others noticed change a lot sooner.
As far as stating...a year, a week, a month. Times should be left open. Not set in stone.

rather then...A year clean and sober

A better way would be.. We will see what becomes of the proof of your actions over time.
How much time?... That is something we will know when it happens.

See how leaving the time open can open doors or close them?

stillbitter

The other side of the coin-

I've put my wife through seven years of alcoholism. She left me about a month ago because of my drinking. I promised her many times to quit, and had periods of sobriety as well, but always went back out. Two weeks sober today, nothing short of a miracle. Found out I had to be ready for myself to quit, not because of a "nagging wife". Not that she wasn't justified, I was busy blaming and resenting her for not letting me destroy myself and my family. It's nothing short of a miracle that I am alive and sober today. I hope your SO can find what I have found, only then can you hope to sift through each other's anger and resentment, and find the love you once had. It's hard, I'm no expert, and it's a 50/50 shot my wife will return. We still love each other, but it may not be enough. I had to take an honest look at myself, and the more meetings I go to, I am getting to the bottom of my own reasons to drink, but today I have many reasons not to. I'm sorry to hear of your situation, someday the guilt will catch up to him, either way. It always does. Fear, anger, resentment, and alcohol is ruling him now, sadly, it will be his choice, not anyone elses. I pray that God will speak to him, as he has for me and many other alcoholics. Time will tell, anger and resentment will only bring you down! Just some thoughts from the alcoholics side, being in (and causing) the same situation. Hope I didn't offend. Take care-

Chris

Beachbabe

It boils down to this... Do you or are you willing to live with an alcoholic?

Because in 10 yrs he will still be an alcoholic, as I will still be a recovering addict. It never goes away and it never stops calling our name.

THATS WHY WE ARE ADDICTS.

If you want no part of this in your life, kicking him out the sooner the better. However, if you can live with an alcoholic that doesnt drink then after he shows some progress, perhaps he can come home.

Let me fill you in on addicts. We dont do lines. If you draw one, we will cross it just to cross it. We are self-destructive. Our own worst enemies.

Let me fill you in on something else, once a line is erased and re-drawn, all respect for you is lost. And you bought the eraser.

It is hard for US to understand an addict mind and we posses one. I imagine someone on the outside looking in must really have it hard.

So, thats what it boils down to:

Living with an alcoholic that drinks
OR
Living with one that doesnt because either way, you'll be living with one and fighting his fight with him every day of your life. For as long as long as you both (he) shall live.

HUGE decision. Getting someone out is the hard part. Keeping them out though seems harder after you start missing them.

Remembering why you put them out is always a good way to keep them out. Has always worked for me.

Good luck, no kids and no mortgage? Run like hell. IMHO. I would have given my husband the same advice when he met me... actually, I did. He didnt listen but he is a lucky man and it worked out for him. His wife is now clean and sober. But *I wanted it*. You cant make him want it. Dragging him anywhere is a waste of time, energy and gas.

travel

He has to want to stop drinking for himself and that's it. Nothing you can say can make him stop. You need to take care of yourself - he is dragging you down too much. Get rid of him -

ilovebdj

Stillbitter, thanks. I NEED to hear stuff from other alcoholics so I can understand what you guys are going through. I know I keep hearing it's a disease, but it is sometimes so hard to understand that aspect of it. I keep thinking, if he loved me enough, he'd stop. Not so....


Beachbabe, I am so happy for you and your sobriety. I know it's easy to say run like he!!, but I do love him so very much. As far as remembering why I kicked him out in the first place, that is easy. This past weekend I found out from his friends where his "hiding spots" were and found about a dozen empties behind our washing machine. I emptied out a dresser drawer and stuck them in there. I know, not very healthy.....but I wanted to stay angry.

But I say to you, and Travel, you both say get rid of him ( in so many words) but aren't you glad it worked for you? Can't there be a little light at the end of the tunnel? I just don't know what I'm going to face when (or if) he comes back after recovery. I'm not sure if I'll still be trusting him, or just my normal paranoid self, obsessing about wondering if he had a drink today.

Thanks to all who responded. I especially like hearing from the alcoholics side of things, it gives me a good perspective.

Slowbriety

have you stopped and asked God for the right thought or action?

best

In my recovery, I learned something. Guys forgive and forget or better put (guy terms here) We get over it and move to the next level faster.
Women require time to gain back a trust that has been broken.
Because I now know this, I have put out an extra effort to reinforce my actions so that my wife won't become paranoid or obsessing every time I leave the house.
Being aware of her needs, I let my actions speak for themself and I try to remember that my words can now bring some comfort and reassurances.
99% trust gained back...I still want that 1% and will continue to work to gain it back and then keep it.