Introducing Zilla
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Scotland
Posts: 19
"Sorry, I have to disagree. Had it not been for God's grace and the people of AA I wouldn't have a sobriety date. By now, at the rate I was going, I would have a date of death carved on a tombstone."
If it keeps you sober then fair enough. I just get narked when people push newcomers towards AA as if it's the ONLY way.
BTW, it was YOUR choice to go to AA. YOUR choice to turn your life over to what you believe is a HP. Ultimately it was YOUR choice not to drink. YOUR choice to believe what AA preach. If you want to beleive in sky pixies then fair do's. We are all responsible for OUR own actions.
If it keeps you sober then fair enough. I just get narked when people push newcomers towards AA as if it's the ONLY way.
BTW, it was YOUR choice to go to AA. YOUR choice to turn your life over to what you believe is a HP. Ultimately it was YOUR choice not to drink. YOUR choice to believe what AA preach. If you want to beleive in sky pixies then fair do's. We are all responsible for OUR own actions.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
Glad to see you back Zilla , keep posting !
I am here to share MY ESH, and for me , that was AA, I cannot share about something I know nothing of, but then again, nor would I "bash" anothers opinion. I am just overjoyed to see another alkie attempting to recover, and quite frankly I dont care what method they use , as long as it WORKS for THEM
HUGX
Lee
I am here to share MY ESH, and for me , that was AA, I cannot share about something I know nothing of, but then again, nor would I "bash" anothers opinion. I am just overjoyed to see another alkie attempting to recover, and quite frankly I dont care what method they use , as long as it WORKS for THEM
HUGX
Lee
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Welcome Zilla.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Good.
PM me anytime you want to tell me about AA.
I'll be glad to have a dialogue with you, while we let a newcomer make his/her own choices.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Originally Posted by RovingStar
Consider myself reminded.
PM me anytime you want to tell me about AA.
I'll be glad to have a dialogue with you, while we let a newcomer make his/her own choices.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 889
Welcome to SR, Zilla. I've gotten a lot of help from SMART Recovery ( www.smartrecovery.org ) They have online meetings ya can attend, I found that an advantage to the face 2 face meetings cuz you dun need to think about traveling or anything and the internet can be quite anonymous. 
Last edited by BSPGirl; 01-29-2006 at 05:20 PM. Reason: Typo'sg
Living and Loving.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
Hey Zilla,
I'm glad you are here. Like so many people who have told their story up here... I feel a strong relation to yours. When the first thoughts that I might have a problem developing with alcohol came into my head I blew it off for a little time and continued as normal because it was just a fleeting thought. Then, as time wore on, it became more of an issue and once again the thought flitted into my head that hmmm... I'm changing and drinking a lot more than I used to... maybe I have a problem. I then sort of transitioned into a mode where I became obsessed with figuring out how to control my drinking. I began to take steps that I felt were rational in order to ensure that I wouldn't over drink and lose control. I began to make "pacts" and "deals" with myself that I felt would surely alter my actions in the right way that would make me drink like I used to... like I could somehow go back to the way I was for so many years where I never gave alcohol or my use of it a second thought. This became an obsession - to figure out what I needed to do or change so that I could just be a normal drinker again and enjoy a few drinks out with friends/family or at home with my husband. It was just never an issue... kind of like breathing air isn't an issue... it just is and I do it and it's a given. I wanted to go back to that so badly. I certainly didn't want to be an alcoholic nor did I think I was one. I too eventually began to have blackouts. I too would no longer have that medium zone... where you have a couple drinks and feel pleasantly buzzed - I realized after one drink I felt the strong reaction to it ... almost a pull... a drive... to drink more. I would promise myself with all of my heart that I would only have two drinks (I drank mostly at home alone too) but somehow when I got through that 2nd drink (which was always amazing to me how fast that happened) I would go get more and before I knew it the bottle was gone and I would open a 2nd one. I could drink a bottle of wine and then some... before I would eventually get so sleepy with it that I would go to bed and sleep it off. My husband never knew for a long time because it was always while he was at work.
It is hard, Zilla... I remember being where you are right now and it is heart wrenching remembering the feelings I had of guilt and shame. I would make those decisions not to overdo it and most of the time I wouldn't beable to do it - I would fail. I really felt like a failure and I couldn't understand why... why can't I do this? I normally can DO things I put my mind to... yet this... why am I failing?
Took me a while to absorb... really really absorb the knowledge that alcohol is a seriously powerful drug for me. My body reacts differently to alcohol than to any other drug I have ever taken. I dunno when that "change" occurred... or when my "switch" got flipped... I have no idea why it did... but it surely did. I don't have any control over alcohol if I put it into my body. Once I came to that place of total acceptance... I began to approach the problem in a different way and from a different angle. Where before I was fighting it and trying to figure out how to win over alcohol - now I was trying to not fight the war at all. I was trying to not let alcohol into my body so I wouldn't have to try to fight it. Took me quite a few tries at this approach too. But, everytime I tried... everytime I picked myself back up and tried again that part of me that was the voice of reason got stronger and stronger. I kept listening to it and dispite failing numerous times I didn't give up and picked myself up and dusted myself off and tried again. One day at a time - ya know.
I kicked alcohol out of my life again 63 days ago and so far... not fighting the war is working for me.
I can't tell you what will work for you - everyone is different and everyone reaches their point of saturation on a different level - and some never do. Hang out here and read stories and find where you can relate to others stories. Just feeling not so alone in your situation helped me a lot because I felt so alone and defective. Come to find out... my reactions were perfectly normal - normal for someone who's body reacts differently to a drug called alcohol. Once I accepted it... it made it possible for me to discontinue it's use.
Better living through acceptance...
Suga
I'm glad you are here. Like so many people who have told their story up here... I feel a strong relation to yours. When the first thoughts that I might have a problem developing with alcohol came into my head I blew it off for a little time and continued as normal because it was just a fleeting thought. Then, as time wore on, it became more of an issue and once again the thought flitted into my head that hmmm... I'm changing and drinking a lot more than I used to... maybe I have a problem. I then sort of transitioned into a mode where I became obsessed with figuring out how to control my drinking. I began to take steps that I felt were rational in order to ensure that I wouldn't over drink and lose control. I began to make "pacts" and "deals" with myself that I felt would surely alter my actions in the right way that would make me drink like I used to... like I could somehow go back to the way I was for so many years where I never gave alcohol or my use of it a second thought. This became an obsession - to figure out what I needed to do or change so that I could just be a normal drinker again and enjoy a few drinks out with friends/family or at home with my husband. It was just never an issue... kind of like breathing air isn't an issue... it just is and I do it and it's a given. I wanted to go back to that so badly. I certainly didn't want to be an alcoholic nor did I think I was one. I too eventually began to have blackouts. I too would no longer have that medium zone... where you have a couple drinks and feel pleasantly buzzed - I realized after one drink I felt the strong reaction to it ... almost a pull... a drive... to drink more. I would promise myself with all of my heart that I would only have two drinks (I drank mostly at home alone too) but somehow when I got through that 2nd drink (which was always amazing to me how fast that happened) I would go get more and before I knew it the bottle was gone and I would open a 2nd one. I could drink a bottle of wine and then some... before I would eventually get so sleepy with it that I would go to bed and sleep it off. My husband never knew for a long time because it was always while he was at work.
It is hard, Zilla... I remember being where you are right now and it is heart wrenching remembering the feelings I had of guilt and shame. I would make those decisions not to overdo it and most of the time I wouldn't beable to do it - I would fail. I really felt like a failure and I couldn't understand why... why can't I do this? I normally can DO things I put my mind to... yet this... why am I failing?
Took me a while to absorb... really really absorb the knowledge that alcohol is a seriously powerful drug for me. My body reacts differently to alcohol than to any other drug I have ever taken. I dunno when that "change" occurred... or when my "switch" got flipped... I have no idea why it did... but it surely did. I don't have any control over alcohol if I put it into my body. Once I came to that place of total acceptance... I began to approach the problem in a different way and from a different angle. Where before I was fighting it and trying to figure out how to win over alcohol - now I was trying to not fight the war at all. I was trying to not let alcohol into my body so I wouldn't have to try to fight it. Took me quite a few tries at this approach too. But, everytime I tried... everytime I picked myself back up and tried again that part of me that was the voice of reason got stronger and stronger. I kept listening to it and dispite failing numerous times I didn't give up and picked myself up and dusted myself off and tried again. One day at a time - ya know.
I kicked alcohol out of my life again 63 days ago and so far... not fighting the war is working for me.
I can't tell you what will work for you - everyone is different and everyone reaches their point of saturation on a different level - and some never do. Hang out here and read stories and find where you can relate to others stories. Just feeling not so alone in your situation helped me a lot because I felt so alone and defective. Come to find out... my reactions were perfectly normal - normal for someone who's body reacts differently to a drug called alcohol. Once I accepted it... it made it possible for me to discontinue it's use.
Better living through acceptance...
Suga
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In Limbo...
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by Sugasnaps
Just feeling not so alone in your situation helped me a lot because I felt so alone and defective.
I'm really glad there is support out there...even coming on to a website like this is a HUGE step for me.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Chester, NY
Posts: 3
Zilla,
I myself never drank, I used to hate the drink, then I had a job where it became a item as to do business over some drinks. From this point in my life I believe I went down hill. I started to find myself hiding my alcohol from my Wife and Kids age now 9 and 2. Alcoholism runs rampant in my family and I always thought NOT ME. Now I look back from my 5th day now being sober and after be hospitalized and trying to get over the emotional harm I have caused to my children, wife and myself. I am a very stubborn person and never thought it could be me one day. I would drink sometimes and then need more I would walk a mile to the store just for one more beer. I never even saw it then that I was what I am and that is a alcholic. Such a small word and so hard to say and compare it to what I am. The more it is said it brings tears to my eyes as I saw it become part of my daughters life as I never wanted her to see me passed out or do drunken stupid things. I have a long road of repair and know this and take it on. No matter how many people tell you what you could be it is only yourself that will find out how far you have to go before you know. Myself Stubborn as could be I hit rock bottom right to the hospital to start to realize the damage I caused to myself. I could never drink enough any more to make it feel like it used to and no more to medicate. Pain I now live with Mental and the Past. Those I hurt that I remember and those I dont. Going sober for myself is a rollercoaster as I am only 5 days young and still scared. I am near it everyday and it is bothersome, but is the nature of the business I am in. I keep thinking of my wife and kids who are behind me now as I have finally come forth with my somewhat closet drinking. No one ever knew how much I really drank and now this gives me pain too as I look back and see I am truly one that needed to stop. I wish everyone that has to deal with these issues LUCK as this website has been helping me since I found it Last night on another night of hard sleeping.
I now feel I am winning a War, Another day to add to the War Chest. Live it life day by day I am told and it is helping, I try not to look too far ahead and just jump the hurdles that I have currently.
I myself never drank, I used to hate the drink, then I had a job where it became a item as to do business over some drinks. From this point in my life I believe I went down hill. I started to find myself hiding my alcohol from my Wife and Kids age now 9 and 2. Alcoholism runs rampant in my family and I always thought NOT ME. Now I look back from my 5th day now being sober and after be hospitalized and trying to get over the emotional harm I have caused to my children, wife and myself. I am a very stubborn person and never thought it could be me one day. I would drink sometimes and then need more I would walk a mile to the store just for one more beer. I never even saw it then that I was what I am and that is a alcholic. Such a small word and so hard to say and compare it to what I am. The more it is said it brings tears to my eyes as I saw it become part of my daughters life as I never wanted her to see me passed out or do drunken stupid things. I have a long road of repair and know this and take it on. No matter how many people tell you what you could be it is only yourself that will find out how far you have to go before you know. Myself Stubborn as could be I hit rock bottom right to the hospital to start to realize the damage I caused to myself. I could never drink enough any more to make it feel like it used to and no more to medicate. Pain I now live with Mental and the Past. Those I hurt that I remember and those I dont. Going sober for myself is a rollercoaster as I am only 5 days young and still scared. I am near it everyday and it is bothersome, but is the nature of the business I am in. I keep thinking of my wife and kids who are behind me now as I have finally come forth with my somewhat closet drinking. No one ever knew how much I really drank and now this gives me pain too as I look back and see I am truly one that needed to stop. I wish everyone that has to deal with these issues LUCK as this website has been helping me since I found it Last night on another night of hard sleeping.
I now feel I am winning a War, Another day to add to the War Chest. Live it life day by day I am told and it is helping, I try not to look too far ahead and just jump the hurdles that I have currently.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in a better place
Posts: 1,406
Hi Zilla, just found your post and wanted to say Hi, Welcome, and keep posting your progress here - good and bad. I haven't read the whole thread yet and have to run now, but I'll be back. I'm new to recovery so I'm right here with you. Hold on tight and be ready to face some really hard days, but keep your sights set on the good days ahead.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In Limbo...
Posts: 44
Argh, I am thinking maybe I am not ready for this right now. I already screwed up. I am feeling like a fraud. I say I want to quit, then I can't resist the first temptation I come across. I found a bottle of wine in the garage and I drank it. I resisted it for about 5 hours and I couldn't stop thinking about it and actually I think I drank it just to "get it over with" or something. I don't know. Maybe I need to reevaluate this whole thing. 
Living and Loving.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
Naw... Zilla, honey, you are doing what comes natural to someone struggling with alcohol. Do you have any idea how many times I did exactly what you are going through right now? Oh my gosh if I had just a fraction of a penny for each time I'd be Oprah rich right now. You want to know the important thing? Right here... right now... you are still HERE. You are still pondering your situation and that voice inside of you telling you that you need to be here is STILL THERE and still willing to fight for you. Just the fact that you just posted tells me volumes about your inner strength that you don't even know you have yet.
**{hugs you}} Okay, so you had that bottle of wine. What now? Do you really want to crawl into it and live the rest of your life there ontop of your beautiful mountain? Go ahead and re-evaluate... but listen to the side of you that wants goodness for you. It's still there and as long as you pick yourself up and dust yourself off and keep trying there is hope and hope grows if you let it.
Don't give up on you and keep posting.
Suga
**{hugs you}} Okay, so you had that bottle of wine. What now? Do you really want to crawl into it and live the rest of your life there ontop of your beautiful mountain? Go ahead and re-evaluate... but listen to the side of you that wants goodness for you. It's still there and as long as you pick yourself up and dust yourself off and keep trying there is hope and hope grows if you let it.
Don't give up on you and keep posting.
Suga
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In Limbo...
Posts: 44
Thanks for replying, really.
I was thinking of walking over to the bottle shop. It's two shops away from my gallery. I have 20 dollars in my pocket.
God, this is so hard.
I'm not going to go though. At least not right now.
*sigh*
I was thinking of walking over to the bottle shop. It's two shops away from my gallery. I have 20 dollars in my pocket.
God, this is so hard.
I'm not going to go though. At least not right now.
*sigh*
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