erino134

I thought that I got addicted to hydrocodone by chance. Started taking it for a real reason but got severly addicted because you know.. it is very addicting. My drinking wasn't out of control but it was suspect so I controlled it....

So, now that I have submersed myself in this recovery culture I am become so educated in all aspects of this disease. And I kept thinking to myself.. but I don't hate myself, I am not a loner, I do not isolate, etc. etc. etc. I am not like those people - what void was I filling?

I thought, if I could just get physically off these damn pills, I would be okay.

Guess what?

NOT.

I am NOT okay. I am a GIANT BTCH. I don't have any clue as to why. I'm in my house and I'm fine, and then all of a sudden I am fuming. I am sure there is smoke coming out of my ears.

I have no idea what is wrong with me. Although suddenly I realize that I am trying very hard to fix my little external environment. Which of course, is text book. And of course, there is really nothing wrong with that environment.

I am absolutely impossible to please and I am absolutely unreasonable. I just do not understand it. I don't feel angry, but then in a millisecond I am seething. I don't even feel it coming.

I feel like something is wrong with my brain chemistry and what I was doing was self-medicating. Granted, the addiction had some really bad side effects... but I didn't walk around spewing hatred at the people I loved the most.

Right now I feel like I NEED to be medicated. For the sake of my family.

Yea, I know, I am SUCH an alcoholic/addict.

So, thanks for letting me vent.

danir

Its okay! I was, am, can still feel very angry and bitter (mostly with myself though). "disrespectful Judgments". Thats what I tell myself. Its not fair for me to say them to others. As it isnt fair to have the same done to me (or worse, of yourself!). I used to go to a womans grroup in my area, it helped, alot. I also talked to the doctor I had at the time.

Vent away! I dont know if you feel better when you let it all out, but, I sure do!

na4today

you have described me perfectly. I put a post like that on the mental health forum because I'm going to the doctor and I want to talk about it with him. I feel crazy and it sucks.

erino134

I'm not even mad at myself. I don't know what I am mad at. I didn't even know I was mad - and then whammo - I am berating my befuddled husband for loading the dishwasher incorrectly.

THAT is insanity.

Somehow raving about what a lunatic I am helps though. Writing it down puts it in perspective somehow.

Hatboxgirl

I hate being angry and not knowing why! It happens to me frequently.
Perhaps we're not insane but relatively sane and the world is insane.
Being human is not easy sometimes.

danir

For me, that awful melencholy feeling slowly faded as the years went by. Thik my brain was just p**sed off at me and getting me back, JK! But seriously, its alright! Your doing such a wonderful job! The point is you got mad enough and fed up enough to ask for a little help. And why not?!?! You ve done so well for yourself so far! Whens the last time you went to a used book store on the other end of town? You wouldnt believe what just a few dollars and nice drive can do for the soul!

jcw1964

I am recovering from my wifes addiction and I am feeling a little of what you are feeling. It seems like the more of my life I look at and disect and search out, the more repressed feelings and anger and "stuff" comes to the surface. That is what it feels like to me and I was not the addict.
Good luck and I think you are becoming more healthy and sane. Just need some help on dealing with the feelings that you probably havent felt in a while.
Not sure but that is what I think I am going through.
Thanks
Jeff

hopealwayz

I go thru exactly the same thing. I can't pinpoint it.

I think sometimes I'd just angry because in my heart I knew that I couldn't use anymore. That may not have been it but it was just as hard as breaking up with someone.

Wish it would be easier though.

erino134

HOPE!!! That I think is a big part of it. I am furious that I can't use any more. It is like grieving. I feel like I lost a loved one. The one thing that always made me instantly happy. (I know it wasn't real).

I am just mad about it. I hear all these people talk about how they are grateful to be sober. I am not grateful to be sober - I'm mad as heck about it. lol.

I too wish it was easier. I miss those little pills so bad. Which again - insanity - but truthful.

I wish it would just go away..................................

jcw1964

erin,
My wife has the same feelings about loosing a friend and not being able to use. She says that it is getting easier.
Keep up the good work.
THanks
Jeff