erino134

I thought that I got addicted to hydrocodone by chance. Started taking it for a real reason but got severly addicted because you know.. it is very addicting. My drinking wasn't out of control but it was suspect so I controlled it....

So, now that I have submersed myself in this recovery culture I am become so educated in all aspects of this disease. And I kept thinking to myself.. but I don't hate myself, I am not a loner, I do not isolate, etc. etc. etc. I am not like those people - what void was I filling?

I thought, if I could just get physically off these damn pills, I would be okay.

Guess what?

NOT.

I am NOT okay. I am a GIANT BTCH. I don't have any clue as to why. I'm in my house and I'm fine, and then all of a sudden I am fuming. I am sure there is smoke coming out of my ears.

I have no idea what is wrong with me. Although suddenly I realize that I am trying very hard to fix my little external environment. Which of course, is text book. And of course, there is really nothing wrong with that environment.

I am absolutely impossible to please and I am absolutely unreasonable. I just do not understand it. I don't feel angry, but then in a millisecond I am seething. I don't even feel it coming.

I feel like something is wrong with my brain chemistry and what I was doing was self-medicating. Granted, the addiction had some really bad side effects... but I didn't walk around spewing hatred at the people I loved the most.

Right now I feel like I NEED to be medicated. For the sake of my family.

Yea, I know, I am SUCH an alcoholic/addict.

So, thanks for letting me vent.