tyler

Though I don't consider myself a member of the 12-step movement I do feel that there are many positive things about it and try to use certain aspects in my life. I guess I subscribe to the saying, "Take what you need and leave the rest behind." I feel steps 9 & 10 (9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.) are really just good rules for living. Obviously step 9 is a gradual process, possibly lasting a lifetime. I am struggling with whether I should contact a person in my past to try to make amends. I'll share the story and welcome input.

This was the event in my life that really set me onto a road of substance abuse. I used drugs and alcohol for many many years to kill the pain of knowing how I treated this person. I won't say it "caused" my addiction, but was definately the stimuli that sent me down that path.

When I was a senior in high school I dated a girl for most of the year. I was 17, she was 15, senior/sophmore. At the time we started dating we were both virgins, you can probably see where this is going. Being a horny 17 year old guy I put a lot of presure on her to have sex and finally, on prom night, (cliche, cliche) she gave in. We used a condom, but it broke and she ended up getting pregnant. When she told me about this, I saw my entire future flash before my eyes. No college, no good job, I'd be working fast food, pumping gas, I think I was probably more in lust than in love with her anyway. The decision was made for her to have an abortion. That part I do not have a huge problem with. I have always been pro-choice and I think we made the right choice for us both at the time. I don't want this to be a discussion about that. The issue I have is that after she told me she was pregnant I dropped her like a dead fish. I wouldn't have anything to do with her. I didn't go with her to the clinic or even help pay for it. She tried to see me several times and I totally blew her off. She started drinking and came over drunk one time and I made her leave. In a word, I was unbelievably cruel and unfeeling. I never thought I was that kind of a person. I saw her a couple of times before I left for college, but never spoke to her beyond maybe saying "hi". When I got to school, it haunted me, especially at night, but I didn't know what to do about it then. I started drinking heavily. After awhile I discovered pot and that made all the pain go away. I stayed high for the next 16 years. I have thought often of contacting her over the years, if nothing else, just to apoligize, but felt I didn't have the right to re open that old wound. On the other hand, maybe she would like to know I really did care, but was just to young and immature to deal with it at the time. As much as I hurt her then, I certainly wouldn't want to hurt her more, just so I could feel better. I don't even know if I would feel better. I have obtained her email address and am considering dropping her a short note to see if she would like to talk, but I don't know if I should. I have moved back to the same area I went to school at, though I don't know if she is here or not. I would truly appreciate everyone's opinions, especially the women.

Well that's it, I'll stand back and let everyone open fire. :uzi2: Thanks in advance for the input.

Peace,

Tyler

Ama

Welcome to the firing range.....

What you did was horrendous indeed.....she must have hurt so so very very badly and then you too. This is your blame incident - think we all have at least one or in my case loads.

This thread should raise alot of wisdom I feel. My gut feeling as a women is that I would be hurt hearing from you but also would appreciate knowing that you had actually cared and that you were just too emotionally immature at the time.

Sorry if I sound indecisive....I have my own horrendous skeletons too so would never judge another I hope.

Kit

Hi Tyler, your story reminds me of a friend of mine. He too, was filled with guilt for the way he treated certain people as a teen. After several years (about 20) he actually wrote to a girl he had been very cruel to. He never heard back from her, but felt it was important that she know he had grown up and regretted his treatment of her. I think you should do this too. What you did WAS horrible, but you mustn't judge yourself over and over again. This will NEVER help you. You must, however, appologize to this person. She needs to hear, or read, the words. She may or may not hate you. She may or may not want to ever hear your name, but she needs to know that you have remorse for the way you treated her. She deserved better. I'm not saying this to judge you or for you to feel worse, but I totally, with all of my heart, believe she needs and DESERVES an apology from you. Don't expect to hear from her, but have the peace of mind that you did the right thing. OK Tyler?
Lots of love, Kit

CAPTAINZING2000

I can relate to this. My girl friend got pregnant at college as well. It was her desision to have an abortion not mine. I would have done what ever she wanted. I was supposed to help pay for the abortion. It was at the end of the term. I'd decided to enlist in the navy to pay my share. Needless to say it was towards the end of Nam and I was turned down due to my left leg being a 1/4 of an inch shorter then the other one.

Any way, she lived 100's of miles away. I lost her address in my wallet atone of the bars my buddies and I hit the night before. I returned to college the following fall and she didn't return.

From the sounds of things, Make a list of what you'd say to her in the event you ran into her. It mentions harming them or others. You going looking for her will open old wounds. Chances are, she's got on with her life. Has she gotten remarried? Did you offer to pay for the abortion? Any monetary debts I always believe in paying off.

At least now you have changed you ways. Just remember, what it would feel like to have the shoe on the other foot!!!!!!!!

Is there any way you can contact a relative to feel the situation out?

ChrisMan

Tyler,

I would say she needs to hear those words, perhaps. And, regardless of one's position on the issue of abortion, it is something that often requires healing as well, even after many years. I don't know the situation fully, and it would be important in terms of how you phrase things, but I think it could be beneficial to both you and her.

ChrisMan

CarolD

When I did Steps 4&5 I dumped my remorse and guilt.

If I had done amends before that time...I am certain it would have had an adverse effect on my recovery.

I sure do not want to here from my partners in past indiscretions.

In memory of miracle

Tyler - How lond are you sober? You said you dont work a 12 step program.I am wondering if you see a counseler.The reason I say this is because;If we do try to make amends too soon,things can go horribly wrong.Your amends might not be accepted and if you are not strong in your recovery,you could wind up drunk.Good luck with whatever you decide.Staying sober a day at a time is a good form of amends until we are ready for the formal ones.

tyler

Thanks for so many replies!

As far as how long I have been sober, it's 2 months today. I see a counseler once a week. He thinks I should try to contact her, but I'm not so sure. I'm not really worried about her not accepting my ammends. My expectation is I would hear nothing back and I would not blame her in the least if she did not accept my ammends. Still not sure what I'm going to do, but welcome further comments. Thanks all.

Peace,

Tyler

CarolD

Dipping... This idea just popped up..

Had i not had illegal abortions...I would not have worked so hard for Roe vs Wade amd pro choice groups.

Had I not become an alcoholic..I could never be involved in AA recovery.

Involvement is a joy and gives me a deep sense of purpose.

My point...helping others is a great way to do amends.


Tyler...why not write a letter to her and then burrn it?

LettingGo

Gosh what a tough call. Personally I would like to hear from you I think. I mean I would have to guess that the abortion is something that comes to mind for her often anyways, its not like she has forgotten about that. I think it would be comforting to have some reassurance that it wasn't her fault alone and that you know you were wrong. Somehow it seems like it would validate that she wasn't to blame. I dont know... tough call but it is something I would want to hear if it were me. Email is a really non invasive way to approach it as well. IMHO

Evanna

(((Tyler)))
You were 17yrs old, a child still. Yes, it was a situation that got out of hand but you were both so young. Ok, so you didnt handle it as well as you might have done but you were 17. How many 17yr olds know how to deal with such a situation? My guess is not many. I know that i certainly had no clue about appropriate ways to respond at that age.

It sounds to me that the amends you need to be making here are to yourself. Maybe it is time to start forgiving yourself on this one. You are only human. We make mistakes espiecally when growing up. My suggestion is to give yourself some time here. Ease up on yourself and be kind to the 17yr old that didnt know how to handle very adult situations.

Personally i think this is way to early in your recovery to be reaching out to make amends to this women. The steps in NA are written in order...they are written that way for a reason. Furthermore, you have no way of knowing whether your reaching out at this time will cause further harm to your ex or yourself. This is obviously a real big thing to you so i would suggest waiting a while and working on yourself so that if you do decide to reach out in future you are as ready as you can be.

Warmest wishes
Evanna.

CAPTAINZING2000

Tyler,

grats on the 60 days.


All it says we make a list and be prepared. Myself, I think God plays a big part in our lives that, we don't even know about. You stay sober, trust God clean house and help others and what will be will be God's doing

Kit

TYler, you and your girlfriend may have been young, and you may be early in your recovery but I still believe this is something that needs to be done whether it is today or a year from now. You've been thinking about it for all of these years (16 years?)and chances are she thinks about it too. Abortion is painful no matter how you slice it. I would want to know that the guy who dropped me like a "dead fish" in my hour of need at the age of 15, felt something about me and what WE were going through. I know that revcovery is all about helping oneself, but sometimes we have to help the other guy too.
Lots and LOTS of love, Kit

Evanna

I have given this some thought over the last 24 hours and i am with CarolD....i dont think i would want anyone from my past popping up trying to deal with old issues with me.

Tapery

Hi Tyler, Congratulation on all the progress you have made. Your healing has begun and I am so very happy for you. This episode from your past may be one that will take a while to address. I hope you don’t let it hold you back in the other areas you are working on.

I have thought about how I would feel if I were the woman and how I would feel if I were you. I think there are things about this that only the two of you can understand and talk about with each other and maybe (a big maybe) for healing in this area talking will help. A long time has already passed so there is no urgency. You have time to consider. The woman has probably worked very hard to forget as much of this as possible. To force her to remember could be cruel. Like you she had the guilt to deal with but she also had to deal with betrayal, abandonment, and the physical trauma of the abortion. This affected your life. How did it affect hers? If you can shed light on the nature of the betrayal and abandonment it might help her but I wouldn’t expect to be forgiven. I would suggest you think about it and talk about it some more with your counselor and not rush into action.

My thoughts, prayers, and good wishes are with you.

Marsha

Chy

If this is something you feel you need to make an amends on then by all means do what you feel is right. Anytime that knawing feeling is there to correct something that we felt hurt or harmed another, it can only be relieved by taking action. You have to ask yourself are you trying to relieve your guilt or truly make an amend in hurting her. Because there is some guilt we just have to live with. Should you decide to go through with contacting her be prepared she may not be very accepting of your amend may really let you have it, then again, she may thank you for at least validating her hurt. 50/50 shot it goes either way. Guess I'm trying to say if it's important to own your part in this and apologize then go for it, but go in with eyes wide open as like you said it may open up a wound for her she's already mended.

Cathy31

Tyler
As a woman, had I been treated the way you treated that poor girl at that very impressionable age (not judging you we have all done things we regret) I would very much appreciate hearing from you. I think you should write her a letter, she does not have to write back - or write the email and say what you have said here - that it affected you too, you think it featured heavily in your own alcoholism and you are very sorry for hurting her.
You know you could be helping HER to release something incredibly painful and *possibly* shameful for her...I am pro choice btw.
If I were her, I would REALLY appreciate - and NEED - your apology.
Cathy31
x

Dan

Honestly question your motives Tyler.
Take no action before then.
And then, be prepared to accept any outcome.
That's recovery, in my eyes.

mackat

tyler

one of the benefits i have found ny working 12 step NA/AA is that the progression of the steps and the sponsor work inevitably leads me into right behavior

my first sponsor[s] would NOT allow me to make amends to one of my ex wives- they helped me to see that my motives for doing so were iffy- at best.
was not until i had done major work on earlier steps that i could finally see the reality of my amends step...way too easy for me to get all charged up with MY nobility, etc- then amends once again turn out to my ego wanting to be bigger.
when i am "right sized" i can see my part in actions and more importantly, i can see [and ask] for the correct thing to do to make those actions right.

example: when i had listed my part in hurting this wonderful small community in which i lived, it fell to me to provide the building, the fundraising, transportation and the initiative for a year round young people's sober coffee shop and meeting space.
without the other recovering men in my life to mentor me thru those foundational steps, i don't see how that beautiful living amends could have taken place. It just took me some time before i would allow myself to see that my recovery could take advantage of the collective wisdom of literally hundreds of years of sober lives.

thanks for giving me a good meditation focus
mackat

Ann

Tyler

If you do decide to go ahead with this, perhaps you could just say that you are very sorry for treating her so badly, and leave the abortion out of it. You don't know who may have access to her e-mail, you don't know who she may have told and may not have, and it could do her harm.

I tend to side with the suggestions to give this time, and I think you should step carefully, for her sake and for yours.

Hugs
Ann