doubtingthomas

If this has bothered you so badly and so deeply for this long then you must do everything you can to find her and straighten this out. Follow up on the lead you have and also contact family or friends. A sincere apology, accepted or not, will begin the healing process 4 you. As a member of AA who has done the work, I can tell you the amends process has given me the most freedom and peace of any part of recovery. Much admiration to you, brother, for being willing to look at your part.

Ama

Told you there would be much wisdom from SR.......I am finding this one a wee bit difficult because I am pro-life and feeling alone on that but also know that SR is not about such issues and that is a great help indeed...

I am also pro - sober living and on that I think we can ALLLLLLL agree Taking a little time to think this through fully cannot be bad advice though

Whatever your course of action I wish you wellness in your sobriety

Tapery

Hi Ama, I have found myself thinking about your words as much as Tyler’s. Being pro-life can take many forms. For me right now the lives that I am interested in are Tyler’s, the woman he is contemplating contacting, yours, and everyone else’s who have read this tread and perhaps posted, including myself. I hope our words have helped Tyler in some small way and have helped us in our own understanding and growth. It is difficult to stay in the moment. When we can we do that we are able to call up our beliefs and values to help understand what is going on and then we can use what is going on to inform our beliefs and evaluate our values. This is all good. I know your words have helped me think through this a little bit more.

Sorry Tyler for hijacking your thread a bit. I didn’t put it in a new thread because I didn’t think my thoughts could stand alone separate from this context.

quercusalba

Tyler -

My advice would echo what many above have said - give it more time. I also think Dan's suggestion was very good - honestly consider and know your motives before acting. This is something I am learning about myself, and it makes me pause before opening my mouth. I cannot say how I would feel if I were her... all of us walk separate paths in life, and it's impossible for you to know what her walk has been in these intervening years. There is a real possibility that you could cause her hurt by contacting her; on the other hand, she could appreciate a sincere apology.

On the whole, though, I just think you should give this thought some more time.

best of luck.
--anne

tyler

Thanks so much to everyone for their suggestions and advice.

I have decided to do nothing for now. As someone pointed out, it's been 16 years, there's no hurry. I would say I am leaning towards not contacting her and just trying to leave the past in the past. I figure that if I say nothing the status quo remains and we are where we are. If I were to contact her there is the potential for great pain, and that is the last thing I would want to cause anyone at this point. I need to work on me and getting past this, and I think for a large part I am past it. Maybe I need something to give it closure. Someone suggested I write a letter and burn it, that might not be a bad idea.

You know, while thinking of that, I just remembered something. The fall after all of this happened we hosted an exchange student at our home. As I was away at college she stayed in my room. Over the summer I had written a letter appoligizing for my actions. I never sent it, but stuck it in the back of my desk drawer. Karren, the exchange student, was an Ozzie, so she was here from January to January. Having been a exchange student to Oz myself, we became friends and she became friends with my girlfriend as well. I had forgotten about the letter, but something made me think of it over Thanksgiving break and I looked for it in the drawer. It was not there. As far as I know Karen was not privy to our situation, I always thought that maybe she gave the letter to my girlfriend. I never asked because then I would have to explain the whole situation to begin with. So maybe she knows how I feel anyway.

Well, like I said, I think I'm just going to try to put the past behind me and work on the future. I have done many other bad things that I have to learn to forgive myself for, even if person I did them to can't forgive me. That was one thing I did like about the Fellowship, they said they would love me until I learned to love myself. I'm still not there, I'm more at the point of learning not to hate myself so much. I guess all I can do is what I can do. Thanks again for everyone's opinions and I welcome any others.

Peace,

Tyler

tyler

Tapery,

I love your signature, "Never turn your back on the ocean." Those are words to live by. I love the ocean, I used to live near the beach, but have had to move to the midwest to get away from my DOC. Not that I can't get it here, but it's not just an easy phone call away. I will move back there when I am stronger. The ocean is a very spiritual place for me. I believe in eveolation and that we all came from the ocean. Ocean water heals, I can't count the times I've had a cut, sometimes even infected, and I went swiming in the ocean and it was healed in a matter of days. The ocean is powerful and can hurt you if you don't respect it, but if you do treat it with respect it can give you great joy. Anyone who has ever been surfing knows that incredible feeling when you just get up on your board and for just a few seconds are one with the wave.

Just had to comment on that, I guess I hijacked my own thread!!!

Peace,

Tyler

tyler

Sorry for bringing an ancient thread back to life, but I am reviewing some of old threads to try to find out mistakes I have made an what I may gain from them.

There was a resolution to this situation. Through the magic of the internet I managed to make contact with her. She said that she felt really bad that I still carried this burden with me. She was married with children and a pastor at a church. She said that the experience had proved helpful in ministering to young people in similar situations. She said that she completely forgave me and hoped and prayed that I could forgive myself.

Unfortunately it did not make me feel as freed as I hoped it woul ,immediately but it is no longer a major factor in my life.

This happened about 11 years ago.

Please close this thread if you feel it is no longer useful. I just wanted to provide an ending. Obviously it didn't hold the key to improving my self worth and continued substance abuse. Haven't given up though.

doggonecarl

Thanks for the closure.

You are still struggling to remain sober?

You opened this tread by saying that you don't consider myself a member of the 12-step movement. But you felt ready to jump to amends. Maybe for long-term recovery you could start at step one?

Dee74

I don't think there's any need to close it Tyler.

You raise a perennial question - and on a personal level, to be honest I can still see things in here that are applicable to your situation today?

D

August252015

I'm going to try be succinct and please hear this respectfully:

This is a HUGE deal.
I would humbly suggest that you need to be truly working an AA program with a sponsor, from start to finish, before you dive into this mess. Just one reason why is that thorough doing of Steps 4 and 5 must come before the 9 and 10 you say you live in.

And during this process as we moved toward making amends (or not) one (of many) pieces in deciding to whom, how, when etc about making one is the BB caveat: unless to do so would harm the other person. To me, that means a fearless search of myself, a completely honest admission of whether I am putting my need for getting something for my benefit above truly what's good for this young woman.

This is not something I would venture into without a lot of support, a through program, and lots of prayer and consideration.

Dee74

Just so folks are aware this is a very old thread that tyler bumped today. Its worth reading through to get the 2018 context

D

Renvate

I've always written letters to woman over the years to try clear my conscience and to apologize for my wrong doings when the dust settles after a few years.

And I have 80% of times received a positive response back. I also have received apology letters from Old friends. Which felt good.

I don't think you should expect a "heyy how are you?"

But If you get a thankyou or a short sentence neutral message, then I'd say you have been forgiven.

August252015

Yep, just read through the whole thing.

So scratch my comments except for as Dee said, any perennial context.

Tyler, my best to you for your sobriety.

DarklingSong

Tyler, having read the thread it was such a relief to hear that this girl found her own peace. Thats a lot to be grateful for. I am sorry it hasn't set you free. I wonder myself, even if I solved the pain of the past would it really stop my struggle to recover? I'm not convinced.....
Good luck to you on your journey.