New here, need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2024
Posts: 1
New here, need help
Hello
like so many of you I find myself currently at the stage of a loved ones addiction, that I cannot keep excusing or pushing down.
I love my partner very much; we’ve been together for 10 years in 2 months time. We’ve planned a special trip to Japan to celebrate that.
At the time of writing this message; he is smoking meth in the living room, whilst I lay wide awake in the bedroom, soul searching and worrying. (again…)
I stupidly thought he had it under control. He was clean for 60 days; and before that relapse he was clean for 4 months; and before that he was clean for almost 2 years.
Currently he is unemployed and has nothing but time on his hands and some savings that he worked very hard to accrue. When I just walked in on him in the living room he was pleasuring himself to someone online. I wasn’t even shocked by it because I’ve seen this betore. The crystal meth and sometimes G he likes to use together and they create a strong feelings of arousal in him.
Like all addicts everything they do is to escape whatever pain they do not want to or cannot confront.
I’ve held out so much hope over the years. Hope that he would stay clean, hope that I could help steer him towards that. Hope that we were going to be ok.
I just don’t see it anymore. I see such a sad, and lost little boy in his 39 year old self. It breaks my heart to see him like this. I have no more words of encouragement or support, I can’t think of anything new to say and I feel so psychologically unsafe even just knowing what is going on in this flat. Our home, it’s supposed to be our sanctuary from the world. It couldn’t feel any less like that right now.
I am no angel. I have done some party drugs myself in the past. However I have never been addicted to any of it. I’ve always known my limits and things I would never take, the lines I wouldn’t cross. I think I harbour a lot of guilt about that. Thinking what’s my role in all of this. Maybe I haven’t helped his situation.
When we met I didn’t know it but mark was addicted to coke and alcohol. Then 2-3 years ago it became meth. He has been sober most of that time, but it’s sadly returned again. He’s relapsed 3/4 times during that space of time.
It’s worth me stating that he doesn’t get angry or abusive on the drugs. He’s more introverted and he will get very in his head, pull his skin for example or just be more paranoid than when he is sober. But I never feel physically unsafe around him. He usually just wants to be left alone to get on with it.
He has tried to be sober, he really has, and that’s always made me think OK WELL MAYBE THIS TIME… and there’s such a massive part of me that does still believe he can beat this monster, but it’s less certain as each day and new relapse comes around.
I genuinely believe addiction to be the most horrid, evil, insidious creature on this planet and wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.
I appreciate your time listening and reading!
thanks
chris
london
like so many of you I find myself currently at the stage of a loved ones addiction, that I cannot keep excusing or pushing down.
I love my partner very much; we’ve been together for 10 years in 2 months time. We’ve planned a special trip to Japan to celebrate that.
At the time of writing this message; he is smoking meth in the living room, whilst I lay wide awake in the bedroom, soul searching and worrying. (again…)
I stupidly thought he had it under control. He was clean for 60 days; and before that relapse he was clean for 4 months; and before that he was clean for almost 2 years.
Currently he is unemployed and has nothing but time on his hands and some savings that he worked very hard to accrue. When I just walked in on him in the living room he was pleasuring himself to someone online. I wasn’t even shocked by it because I’ve seen this betore. The crystal meth and sometimes G he likes to use together and they create a strong feelings of arousal in him.
Like all addicts everything they do is to escape whatever pain they do not want to or cannot confront.
I’ve held out so much hope over the years. Hope that he would stay clean, hope that I could help steer him towards that. Hope that we were going to be ok.
I just don’t see it anymore. I see such a sad, and lost little boy in his 39 year old self. It breaks my heart to see him like this. I have no more words of encouragement or support, I can’t think of anything new to say and I feel so psychologically unsafe even just knowing what is going on in this flat. Our home, it’s supposed to be our sanctuary from the world. It couldn’t feel any less like that right now.
I am no angel. I have done some party drugs myself in the past. However I have never been addicted to any of it. I’ve always known my limits and things I would never take, the lines I wouldn’t cross. I think I harbour a lot of guilt about that. Thinking what’s my role in all of this. Maybe I haven’t helped his situation.
When we met I didn’t know it but mark was addicted to coke and alcohol. Then 2-3 years ago it became meth. He has been sober most of that time, but it’s sadly returned again. He’s relapsed 3/4 times during that space of time.
It’s worth me stating that he doesn’t get angry or abusive on the drugs. He’s more introverted and he will get very in his head, pull his skin for example or just be more paranoid than when he is sober. But I never feel physically unsafe around him. He usually just wants to be left alone to get on with it.
He has tried to be sober, he really has, and that’s always made me think OK WELL MAYBE THIS TIME… and there’s such a massive part of me that does still believe he can beat this monster, but it’s less certain as each day and new relapse comes around.
I genuinely believe addiction to be the most horrid, evil, insidious creature on this planet and wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.
I appreciate your time listening and reading!
thanks
chris
london
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,649
Welcome - I'm really sorry for what brings you here Chris, but you will find support and encouragement for yourself.
I assume you've tried to talk to your partner about this - what's been his response?
D
I assume you've tried to talk to your partner about this - what's been his response?
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,631
Welcome Chris,
I'm very sorry for your situation with your partner's addiction. I hope you can take care of yourself and find some peace. I also hope that your partner will choose to live a sober life. You will find lots of support here.
I'm very sorry for your situation with your partner's addiction. I hope you can take care of yourself and find some peace. I also hope that your partner will choose to live a sober life. You will find lots of support here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 433
Welcome Chris.
Quitting the substances first is the cornerstone that everything is built on, and that can only be set in place by someone who wants to quit. Dealing with any pain and trauma is then part of the recovery journey.
Addiction can be defeated but it does take a total commitment. And total commitment means taking to the grave - never drinking or using again. Do you have a feeling that your partner wants to quit?
Like all addicts everything they do is to escape whatever pain they do not want to or cannot confront.
I genuinely believe addiction to be the most horrid, evil, insidious creature on this planet and wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,778
Welcome, Chris.
I don't like to say this, but I don't hold out much hope for your partner, or your relationship in the near future. This is not to to say that he won't get clean, eventually. But when?
It's going to take his wanting to get clean, and it's going to take a lot of hard work, and time. Doesn't seem he's even wanting to at the moment.
Do you want to expend this amount of time? This amount of time, with no guarantee of success? This amount of stress, and grief?
Have you thought about seeing a counsellor for yourself? Nar-Anon meetings?
I don't like to say this, but I don't hold out much hope for your partner, or your relationship in the near future. This is not to to say that he won't get clean, eventually. But when?
It's going to take his wanting to get clean, and it's going to take a lot of hard work, and time. Doesn't seem he's even wanting to at the moment.
Do you want to expend this amount of time? This amount of time, with no guarantee of success? This amount of stress, and grief?
Have you thought about seeing a counsellor for yourself? Nar-Anon meetings?
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