KneePads

I suppose that my brain (whatever’s left of it - I imagine it looks like the dregs of a pickle jar, with just lots of fleshy bits floating around in cloudy vinegar. A few mustard seeds. But I digress..) needs time to adjust to a sober life.

At the moment my moods are in full swing. In lots of different directions.

One minute I am practically manic. Thinking of all these things I want to do to and how I can fit them in…I get bored. I get ideas. I get a bit annoyed about the fact that I have wasted so much time being drunk or hungover for the past 25 years. Wasted opportunities. Stunted life experiences. Acted like a moron. Left it so sodding long to get off the drink that I’m angry and it’s no one else’s fault but mine.

Then I get overwhelmed by said ideas. Or I feel panicked that I can’t do them all before I get old(er). Then I go a bit ‘Eeyore’ for a bit. “What’s the point” yada yada yada.

Then I’m okay again. Then it starts all over again.

Something else I’m struggling with is that I feel like I’ve built a life for a drunk person and I don’t want it any more. Everything has changed. I want the life with activities and connections (something I never thought I’d want in a billion years).It's difficult trying to temper this overload of feelings and ideas.

Like Toddy said yesterday, it would be lovely and soothing to just CHILL and be STILL sometimes in my thoughts.

Right now my mind is either:

The crazy horse that’s jumping about all over the place, rearing up, chucking people off the saddle and kicking things over - but in a joyful, whirlwind sense…

OR

Eeyore on a bad day, in a rain storm, after being evicted from his little hut/shelter thing (which was shite anyway wasn’t it? Looked really draughty and his bum never actually fit in it).

Please someone tell me all this shiz will even itself out?

It’s a bit of a rollercoaster. I’m so keen to build this sober life, filled with ‘good stuff’ and completely chuck out the drinking-life template, that I’m worried I’m going at it too hard and the wheels will come off if I’m not careful! (aka the ‘Eff it button’).

Any advice or reassurance welcome.

Love to all!

xxx

Gymbunny7

Knee you are such a character. Love your post.

I'm not an authority on this and I'm sure you'll get more constructive advice. All I can say is as you know I'm a bit further on than you and around your time I felt similar. I was either mega mega happy and chomping at the bit or a bit deflated thankfully for me the highs far outweighed the lows.

My mind has slowed down somewhat I think possibly im getting more comfortable and used to being sober. Excited about different things I might do without alcohol being involved building new friends groups etc. Over time I'm sure you'll calm down a lot it's a big adjustment.

Can't help you with the chill out bit I'm hoping you or Toddy can find an answer to that and tell me

fishkiller

Yeah I've been there. Still revisit much more than I'd like to.
I'm not sure I'll ever be the calm, zen man I'd like to be but that's ok.
I am in a MUCH better place than I was and it gets better all the time.

I just keep reminding myself that even though I wasted a lot of time in oblivion I made it out alive. Many don't.
As far as wanting to do Everything All the time I have to remind myself it's not possible. A house is built one brick at a time.

I've spent twice as long wasted than I have sober even counting my childhood but I can't let that deter me. I am sober Now and that's what matters.

Anna

I completely understand your feelings, Kneepads. And, you comment that 'Everything has changed' is so very accurate. I had to change pretty much everything in order to recover. And, it's overwhelming trying to figure out where to start. I made a list every day of things I wanted/needed to accomplish and crossed off each item as I did it. Even if it was a down day, I could feel good about doing something. To deal with the sometimes too-fast flow of ideas, I tried to pick one thing and deal with that before moving on to the next. For example, I decided I wanted to start volunteer work so I stuck with that thought until I found the right place for me. Then I moved on to the next idea.

The roller coaster feelings will ease up for you. You're doing great.

MarkstheSpot

I feel that post. I too am looking forward to taking a break from myself (but doing it without the demon D, obvs).

Experience tells me that I will at some point, maybe two months in, while at the same time, the inner-me knows that the even keel is one of my least favourite keels.

On the other hand, the inner-me is the enemy of the outer-me. [Strokes chin.]

KneePads

This literally just floored me. This is it! Hmmm. How does one turn it into a preferred keel instead?? 🤔

KneePads

Thank you Bunny, my lovely. This has reassured me, as I know you are a bit further along than me, so you know what I’ve got around the corner. And what you described is exactly how I feel. And yet, as MarkstheSpot said: I think the even keel is my least favourite keel! But I THINK I want it. I’d love it if my permanent postcode was: P1NK CL0UD9 😁😁😁 I just crave being on a high. Oh dear, that’s not really progress, is it?! 😂😂

KneePads

Thank you Anna, that is very good, constructive and practical advice. I am going to do this xxx

KneePads

Another wonderful Fishism, thank you Fish. I do well with metaphors/similies. So this is perfect xxx

Gymbunny7

Well I'm aiming for an even keel with added perks of remembering holidays, nights away all occasions actually and exploring new pursuits I'd never have thought about before while my head was lodged in a wine bottle. If the added high comes in from having a happy life away from alcohol that'll do for me.

DriGuy

Well, first of all, you're doing good/great/whatever in spite of the rollercoaster. So the problem may or may not be as big as you think. I'll guess that this was you all along, but you were numbing it out with alcohol. You don't need to rush, when you are already going at lightening speed. Maybe it's something else and only time will tell. Maybe it would be good to chill. In long term recovery, I've gained a lot, but unlike early recovery, many of my changes were so slow I didn't see them happening while they were going on. This has not been a problem for me, as they were mostly unexpected freebees. Maybe it's time to check out a little gratitude. From where I sit it looks like you should have a lot of that around you. Are you missing it? I don't have the answers, just suggestions.

KneePads

^Thanks Dri. Yes, I think you might be right there… The gratitude thing might not be a bad shout. Weird question: Does your gratitude for things ever warp into feeling guilty?? That happens with me. Just wondering if anyone else gets that?
xxx

ToughChoices

I’ve definitely been “all over the map” with emotions.

Today meditation, intense exercise, wandering walks, AA meetings,, and breath-work keep my mind sufficiently still to allow me peace and good rest. Maybe someday all of that won’t be necessary??? But today it is.

And I like it! I like building this peaceful, connected, spiritual life. It’s an unexpected joy!

These days I do not regularly feel “down”, but I can still feel afraid or anxious and I can still whip myself into a frantic mess in pursuit of “control.”

I am, however, MUCH BETTER at recognizing the mess before I am stuck in it.

It gets easier. Life today is peaceful and lovely. I have many people to help. I am blessed by my past because it brought me to my present.

Toddy

Loving your analogies KneePads 😂😂

No words of wisdom from me I'm afraid but I just wanted to say I completely relate!

Sobriety can feel like a superpower at times and like there's this obligation to fulfil our utmost potential now that we're free of our shackles. Sometimes I feel like I've got this second chance at life and i owe it to myself to make it absolutely incredible! Then the guilt/self doubt sets as I worry that I'll feck it all up! I'm thinking that the intensity of this will soften over time and what we really want to do/achieve will become clearer and more attainable as we focus our efforts on what really matters to us.

Looking forward to a bit more stability as I'm pretty up and down! X

Mysteryman

I have the same experience sometimes too. Usually during the late evening time when I feel the weight of the darkness pushing me down and stomping on my numerous dreams that I want to accomplish; to catch up on all the things Ive missed out on over the years, to make up for all the lost time
All of this all at once which isnt even possible anyway whilst feeling painfully nostalgic about memories of the good times that I might never get back.

VikingGF

Hey, KneePads. First off, you are doing great.

That guilt that you speak of will abate, and down the road you will make peace with it, understanding that it took that time to get you where you are in your sobriety. That's where the practicing gratitude comes in, because once you are able to find the positives and the gratitude, you understand that you worked hard to get what you have- you could still be in the land of guilt, making more trouble instead of good habits and building the life you want. Since we cannot go back and change things, we have to focus on the present and be grateful we now live a life without alcohol so we can be reliable, honest, healthier, insert desired adjective here. There is no need for self-flagellation, mental or otherwise, and in time, we make peace with those people we used to be. Some of us actually do see ourselves as two different people- the one that drank and the one that does not. Not everyone sees it quite so defined, but I imagine there has to be some sort of cognizant distinction eventually.

As for the waxing and waning of your emotions, I agree with the previous posts- it takes times for things to even out, enjoy the ride a bit- it's sort of fun to be in a state of hyperactivity that isn't inspired by an ingested chemical. It's all about waiting it out and getting used to having a brain that can respond to a variety of stimuli rather than one that's been dulled out. So much is new, you want to make plans, be all you can be, get things accomplished. I don't know about you, but I spent an awful lot of time sitting on the couch and destroying my relationships, it's OK if it takes a while to get things rolling. Give yourself some breathing room.

Learn from yesterday, appreciate today, look forward to tomorrow. One day at a time, we will all get where we are going.

Zencat

Are you feeling survivor guilt Knee?

My roller coaster or the merry-go-round with the horses going up and down in a circle of mind warp activity stopped with some meditation.

One minute of clear mind (stop thought tool) meditation or a few seconds laid the groundwork for longer times to sit with a still mind. DBT is CBT with a zen twist. Meditation and mindfulness are at the forefront of wellness care. It has worked wonders for me so far.

Start small, repeat it often, and keep growing the practice like watering a flower every day.

Having a plan of activities helps me plan my day. Not a perfect plan that I can not do, but a plan that works for me where I am emotionally in recovery.

I see you do the work, the hard gutwrenching work it takes to get healthy. You will go far with your work in recovery.
Outstanding job Knee. If more people here at SR do the work you do to recover...My heart would glow

RecklessDrunk

Recite the serenity prayer every time you catch yourself in this thought pattern.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Even if you don't believe in God or a higher power just think about what that says.

Believe me, I've left a lot on the table in life. There was a lot of OMG if i only... The money i could've made, the women i let get away. In some cases i did manage to suprise myself at what i still could accomplish.

There is what could've went right but there is also what could've went wrong. I could've died or ended up in prison. We can't change the past and it really doesn't matter. All we have is what's in front of us. We are right where God wants us to be. We've been in his hand all along. Its a new game, the score is 0-0. We just have to do the best we can from here. Just make the next right decision.

Dee74

I never thought my overactive brain would shut the heck up - I thought I'd have to live with that - along with shame, self hatred and regret.
As time wore on tho I found myself much more focused on the now rather than the then...parts of my life - service work - became a kind of living amends for past trangressions.

Without the liberal application of alcohol every few hours I had no choice but to change what I could about me and then become comfortable with who I am - then I widened my circle to try and build the kind of life new me wanted

As for my brain - its still 100mph.
But its not something that scares me or needs numbing now.

I've harnessed it - I partner with it - and I get a shedload of stuff done

D

Steely

Great post Dee.

Getting there.