A week and two days
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
A week and two days
I’m a week and two days away from my due date with my baby girl. I’m also a week and two days away from my two year sober anniversary. What a coincidence.
I still have much work to do in my sober journey. Not that I think I’ll ever drink again, because I won’t - I’m too scared to. But because like I’ve said in the past, I still feel like there is something missing. I’m not really sure how else to explain it other than I feel “stuck”. Sure, there are things that make me happy, sad, angry etc., but I just don’t feel motivated or fulfilled. I feel like my husband and I are constantly working and chasing money to pay for material things that honestly we probably don’t need. Maybe this baby girl was brought to us to fill this void, I really don’t know.
I also feel like I’ve lost my intellect in this sober time. I avoid having meaningful conversations with people because I either can’t think of the right words, or express myself in the way I intend to - it’s like my brain just stops working. I’ve had a brain MRI and everything was normal.
I’m excited for the next chapter in our lives but also scared. I never imagined being a mom of a girl. As some of you know, I’m a boy mom currently to 3, 2 of which are adults. Which is bittersweet for me as I hit two years sober because despite not being the best mom to them, they have turned out to be successful, kind and truly good people. It still hurts my heart when I think about their childhood though and I wish I had stopped drinking when they were little.
There’s more I wanted to say but of course once I started typing it out, it seems to have fleeted my mind.
I still have much work to do in my sober journey. Not that I think I’ll ever drink again, because I won’t - I’m too scared to. But because like I’ve said in the past, I still feel like there is something missing. I’m not really sure how else to explain it other than I feel “stuck”. Sure, there are things that make me happy, sad, angry etc., but I just don’t feel motivated or fulfilled. I feel like my husband and I are constantly working and chasing money to pay for material things that honestly we probably don’t need. Maybe this baby girl was brought to us to fill this void, I really don’t know.
I also feel like I’ve lost my intellect in this sober time. I avoid having meaningful conversations with people because I either can’t think of the right words, or express myself in the way I intend to - it’s like my brain just stops working. I’ve had a brain MRI and everything was normal.
I’m excited for the next chapter in our lives but also scared. I never imagined being a mom of a girl. As some of you know, I’m a boy mom currently to 3, 2 of which are adults. Which is bittersweet for me as I hit two years sober because despite not being the best mom to them, they have turned out to be successful, kind and truly good people. It still hurts my heart when I think about their childhood though and I wish I had stopped drinking when they were little.
There’s more I wanted to say but of course once I started typing it out, it seems to have fleeted my mind.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 2,601
Many congrats on your sober time Jillian and the impending new arrival 
I hated being pregnant, was full of fear and anxiety and the unknown and it got worse the closer it got to delivery. Maybe it's a good opportunity to reduce working hours or take a longer period of maternity, especially if there are things you could easily go without. It'll give you more time for you. Maybe look on this as an exciting new start, new sober friends, new mums at baby groups. Please take time out for yourself too, I know it can be harder when older (I was 35 as a first time mum).
Wishing you all the best
I hated being pregnant, was full of fear and anxiety and the unknown and it got worse the closer it got to delivery. Maybe it's a good opportunity to reduce working hours or take a longer period of maternity, especially if there are things you could easily go without. It'll give you more time for you. Maybe look on this as an exciting new start, new sober friends, new mums at baby groups. Please take time out for yourself too, I know it can be harder when older (I was 35 as a first time mum).
Wishing you all the best
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Sounds to me like you’re doing great Jillian
I think RAL is right, maybe this child is the catalyst for yo7 to look at your life and maybe find whatever you think is the missing element?
I think you’ll be a great sober mom too
It took me a fairly long time to get back my cognitive abilities to the point where I felt they were normal again, so I wouldn’t worry unduly, Jillian.
Anyway, I’m not sure but isn’t a certain amount of brain fog are fairly common thing in pregnancy?
I have every confidence tha5 you will sort everything out. Congrats again
D
I think RAL is right, maybe this child is the catalyst for yo7 to look at your life and maybe find whatever you think is the missing element?
I think you’ll be a great sober mom too
It took me a fairly long time to get back my cognitive abilities to the point where I felt they were normal again, so I wouldn’t worry unduly, Jillian.
Anyway, I’m not sure but isn’t a certain amount of brain fog are fairly common thing in pregnancy?
I have every confidence tha5 you will sort everything out. Congrats again
D
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Jillian, I wish you all the best on the upcoming birth of your daughter. Congratulations on your recovery. I'm sure being a Mom of a beautiful daughter will be exciting and, at times, scary. But, being sober will give you the confidence you need.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 2,601
Just another thought Jillian re brain fog. what Dee said but also my intellect has reduced rapidly since I went through menopause. I'm assuming you're at leats late 30s if you have grown up children It was premature when I was in my late 30s and it's something I've had to accept. I'm just not as sharp as I used to be. My memory is ridiculous. I do stuff to keep it better, online learning, eat better and of course keeping off the booze. I also take menopause supplements which help and take HRT. Maybe things will improve when you're no longer pregnant but definitely worth getting blood tests done in a few months to test your FSH levels.
It was premature when I was in my late 30s and it's something I've had to accept. I'm just not as sharp as I used to be. My memory is ridiculous. I do stuff to keep it better, online learning, eat better and of course keeping off the booze. I also take menopause supplements which help and take HRT. Maybe things will improve when you're no longer pregnant but definitely worth getting blood tests done in a few months to test your FSH levels.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
Dee/RAL - brain fog may be a symptom during pregnancy, I’m not certain, but I’ve been experiencing the same type of brain fog before pregnancy, after sobriety. It’s hard to pinpoint. But since I’ve also been diagnosed with Crohn’s, that could be causing it too. I wasn’t able to start treatment for Crohn’s yet as I was diagnosed a month before finding out I was pregnant.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 528
You say fear will keep you sober, and maybe you're right about that -- but my experience and the experience of countless other alcoholics abundantly confirms that there is a type of alcoholic for whom fear is simply not enough. I obviously have no idea whether you are that type or not, but I know I am -- and that brings me to the void you are describing. For me, and countless others like me, there is no escape from that void without fully committing to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Again, that obviously may not apply to you -- but I hope you'll keep an open mind about it.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,163
Congratulations on the baby and 2 years sober!!
I get the restless unfulfilled feelings too. I drank for most my life and drinking was what I looked forward to so I'm just going with our brains need time to adapt.
I hope the Chrons gets sorted for you.
I've had Chrons since a teen. Since you've just been diagnosed I assume that means you've been having symptoms recently and that will bring anyone down.
I will add that I've been symptom free for a pretty long time now so there is hope it will go in remission for you too.
Much better treatments out there these days than when I got it. I just got lucky and my body seems to keep it in check itself.
I drank until my baby girl was 26. I too was lucky she has made it through ok.
I now have 3 grandbabies who will never see me drunk though.
I get the restless unfulfilled feelings too. I drank for most my life and drinking was what I looked forward to so I'm just going with our brains need time to adapt.
I hope the Chrons gets sorted for you.
I've had Chrons since a teen. Since you've just been diagnosed I assume that means you've been having symptoms recently and that will bring anyone down.
I will add that I've been symptom free for a pretty long time now so there is hope it will go in remission for you too.
Much better treatments out there these days than when I got it. I just got lucky and my body seems to keep it in check itself.
I drank until my baby girl was 26. I too was lucky she has made it through ok.
I now have 3 grandbabies who will never see me drunk though.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
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Congrats 2 yrs sober and the expectant baby girl.There are therapies that improve brain cognition.Like doing brain teasers, logic problem solving, and games like Sudoku. Scrabble Chess. Try Braingle, they have puzzles and such like I just mentioned. For the brain, the more you use the less you lose it.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,430
Congrats on 2 years, Jill! My cognitive function was definitely impacted and was the worst right before 2 years- it's improving and some days I actually feel like my old self! I fully attribute this to recovery from daily drinking for so many years. Stay focused and positive and it should get better. So exciting! Baby soon! I'll be thinking of you.
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