Bookbuff

Hey everyone

Ive posted here my situation a few times, afraid incase anyone would know it was me if I posted exactly what was true. But here goes.
I was in a relationship with an extremely narcisstic alcoholic for 14 years, he was so horribly violent, verbally abusive, controlling, I could only go to work and then home, I put my child through hell, she was from another relationship and 5 at the time. So the alcoholic got worse and worse, cheated, lied, stole. I then I believed developed into a closet drinker, alcoholic and now in recovery.
Eventually with the help of my family and some close friends I ended the relationship but not without blackmail and then the law involved. It got very messy. Truly scary time.
Roll on 4 years, I am now dealing with my drink problem, my ex took his life two years ago. I spent the last year in a relationship with his friend who promised he was not drugging, turns out he was and I walked away
I think I may have got into a relationship with this person from grief, familarity, not sure, however he has got me in some debt and took my dog which I never got back
He is now in a relationship with a girl he was with before, she drugs too.
I feel like ive done a whole 360 back to my old life that I worked so hard to get away from.
what the hell is wrong with me.

I feel very stupid and used, I am still in recovery since May this year.

Any insights appreciated

a confused Book

fishkiller

Focus on your recovery. Nothing else.
You don't need to be in a relationship and it seems you would probably be better off not in one right now.

What is wrong with you?
The same thing that is wrong with everyone else in the world especially us addicts, we make mistakes.

Learn from them and move on.

Good Work on working recovery since May.
That is a good start but it takes much longer to get clear minded enough to really start to figure yourself out.

So for now stay sober, stay positive.

There is a great life out there waiting for you.

ThatWasTheOldMe

There ain't **** wrong with you.
You were abused by a narcissist.
It causes alcoholism.

My sister was abused both verbally and physically - and it turned her into an alcoholic.

Then her kid was sexually assaulted and she (my sister's kid) got drunk and killed herself.

I blame the abusers. You're not weak. Theres nothing wrong with you. Youre a victim.

advbike

Congrats on your sober time, and working so hard to get free of the craziness. We tend to repeat what seems familiar and what we know - if alcoholism and chaotic relationships are what we've always experienced, then we will seek that out because it's familiar. You did not mention what your childhood was like - that often starts us off on the wrong track, but some people just fall into it as adults. As Fish mentions, we need to get some serious time in recovery, and do a fair amount of work on ourselves, before we can embark on new relationships.

Kaily

You are better off on your own in my opinion if the same behaviours and patterns keep repeating. Nobody can hurt you then, I talk from experience. Life is boring, boring is better than drunk and abused.

I wish you luck.

Bookbuff

Thanks everyone. It felt good to type that out and get it off my chest. I definitely used drink to cope when I was with him and its the only thing he never argued with me about, either cos he was off doing it himself or he would drink it with me.

my childhood wasn't great, my parents were both sick and died young. I had to look after them and raise myself and my younger siblings a lot.

so now im recovering and im doing okay I think, i go meetings, ive met some nice folks.
I just feel so hurt, im obviously very co dependent, i see that. My daughter and I have a good relationship, she can see im working on being sober. She is living her own life now but I see she has been hurt from this life too.

I have a lot of bad dreams and wake up not knowing whats real for a bit, its like a time machine, horrid. I think I have PTSD or something. Anyway. I really wanted to be honest and get this out, off my chest.

Evil ex I think sold my dog too, well it was our dog, we bought it together but I paid all the vet and food bills
I will never trust anyone again I feel that was a horrible thing to do
B 😔

FreeOwl

hey! Congratulations on your recovery since May!!

that affords you a great foundation on which to build your life.

I hope you’ll hang out here and lean on this community as you strengthen and deepen your recovery.

might be helpful to step 4 some of the stuff from your original post and other things that might be causing you feelings of anger, resentment, fear, shame or sadness…..

keep on the recovery path and you’ll find things brightening!

welcome

Bookbuff

That was the old me, im truly sorry for the loss of your niece, these narcs are the worst kind of person, they suck the life out of you and then when u try to build yourself up come back if you let them. I can only imagine the pain in your family from such a loss as your niece, my deepest sympathies❤️
I am not sure they are actually human at all narcs
B x

advbike

Yeah, my childhood was chaotic and traumatic too,, at least the early years - and I got the codependency big time. I totally get it. I drank the pain away for my first decade as an adult, hung out with the wrong people, etc.. but eventually pulled away from it as I got older and career went well. Provided the structure I needed, even though I continued to drink for a couple decades, and relationships were not the best. Because I never did the work on that before. But it really pays off if you do it, and people here are the best. The Friends and Family section is really helpful too.

Glad you came on to talk about it.

canbetheanswer

Bookbuff, there is nothing wrong with you, you are a warm and caring person. it sounds like other people have used both their narcissist and gaslighting to control you. When we get use to this, it is all we seem to know and sadly accept and think, that, that is the way it is suppose to be, and that is what they want. Living for yourself right now is what is going to heal you. I think the way out is to take care of only yourself, and heal yourself so you can see the clear direction of what real happiness is.

Drinking clouds our vision, and it sure doesn't make anything better, sadly we turned to it for comfort but it destroys us too. Make yourself the most important person while you are recovering.

Free2bme888

Congrats on the nine months!

Forgive yourself. You are moving in the right direction.

We are not perfect, and we trust. THose things are not crimes.


Welcome to SR.

Keep reading, lots of good info here,


Big hugs

Farrier

One of many things I really got from AA/NA was the step program. The 4th step was the first time that I looked at my own life from outside of the circle. Many things that happened to me I didn't deserve but I did play a part in some of it. I allowed some of it, I ignored some of it, and some of it led me down a path that just about took my life. Seeing, acknowledging and accepting my own weaknesses is what helped me want to stay sober.

Bookbuff

Thanks everyone for the responses. I actually shared that at a meeting the other night, I know ive let these people into my life and put up with crap no one should have, why did I stay, somewhere deep down i know it wasn't love having my teeth broken or a knife at my throat. Ive had enough of these relationships. No more. Im happy my own safe space and working on me.
but yes, while I didn't make these men do crap things I stayed, I am attracted to these types of men so going through that with my therapist...the million dollar question...why?

Zencat

Don't be so hard on yourself Book. There are people that know how to manipulate others to fall in love with them. But once they get you, they become a whole different person. It's predatory behavior. Like a trap packaged to look good, they know how to deceive.

DriGuy

Maybe nothing. But there are a lot of unsuitable partners out there, both male and female. And you will encounter them along the way. Sometimes we you don't know what you've got yourself into for a month or two, and then there you are... in a relationship that's destined to fail, and then breaking up gets kind of complicated.

Maybe you should make a list of non-starters when looking for a partner.

Drug users
Heavy drinkers
Maybe just plain drinkers
Cheaters
Liars
Theives
etc.

It's your list. The above are suggestions only.

trailmix

Just a hunch but I think your early trauma (taking care of your parents, supporting your siblings) probably contains the answer.

Do you relate to that description? Working on that codependency, the need to control or be controlled is probably key. Asking yourself, about previous relationships - why did you stay, what did you get out of it and what were you hoping to get out of it, will put you on the right path. Those are tough questions though, you really have to look back at your feelings, starting with that attraction. Did you hope to "fix" them, did you take care of them, are you comfortable in the roll of caretaker?

I'm glad you have your therapist to help you work through this.

Have you read codependent no more?

DeplorableDog

I have always said one of the keys to any relationship is to take it slow. I have been married almost twenty nine years. My wife and I knew each other in grade school, drifted apart and when we met up again shortly after high school we dated two years before I proposed to her. Make that list of things you wil not accept and if you take it slow, none of your stuff at his place and none of his at yours then you can bail out quick if any of that arises. In my opinion one alarm that something isn't right is when either partner is in a hurry to get the relationship to the point where it's not easy to get away from. If you date a man for a month and he offers to let you live with him it is not an offer. He wants to tie you down and have a hold of you where you can't just leave at the drop of a hat.

sugarbear1

You said you go to meetings. Are you working those 12 steps of recovery with a sponsor who knows how to guide a person through the steps?

VikingGF

Congrats on your time sober, Book. There’s a lot of good advice on this thread, stay close and give yourself time to heal.

Bookbuff

Thanks everyone. Ive not gotten around to getting a sponsor yet, im just happy going meetings and working through the steps with myself for the moment.
I will think abt looking to a sponsor going forward, ive got a lot of anxiety and other issues so staying off drink i know is best for me.
There are a couple of women only meetings I find more comfortatable for myself now, im a work in progress but definitely better single