The hardest part for me so far
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 46
The hardest part for me so far
I am approaching 1 year of sobriety from a relapse with alcohol that sent me to the ICU and nearly killed me. During this sobriety time I have been working very hard on many things: health, faith, productivity and a sense of self worth. My alcohol bender lasted 2 1/2 years and is a very dark, scary period that I'm still coming to grips with. I've made the decision to live rather than die of alcohol, so in my mind I just will not pick up and drink ever again, it's over. Now that statement may seem overconfident, and yes, I have moments, sometime difficult; but I will not drink.
The hardest part for me is social. My entire life, family, friends, social events have always revolved around alcohol.. I really do not know of anyone who doesn't drink. I feel like an outsider during events and I know they feel uneasy because I do not drink. My invitations to tailgates, gatherings, etc. are becoming less frequent. If invited, I pretend drinking with fake wine or mocktails hoping nobody will ask. If they do ask, I make up "I'm taking medication" or some BS excuse. I was a master closet drinker so not many know I had a problem.
Anyway, that is the hardest part of my sobriety so far.
The hardest part for me is social. My entire life, family, friends, social events have always revolved around alcohol.. I really do not know of anyone who doesn't drink. I feel like an outsider during events and I know they feel uneasy because I do not drink. My invitations to tailgates, gatherings, etc. are becoming less frequent. If invited, I pretend drinking with fake wine or mocktails hoping nobody will ask. If they do ask, I make up "I'm taking medication" or some BS excuse. I was a master closet drinker so not many know I had a problem.
Anyway, that is the hardest part of my sobriety so far.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Congratulations on a year of recovery. You're doing great. There are lots of people and activities that do not focus on alcohol. What really helped me was getting involved in volunteer work in my community. I thought I might be able to give something back, but was surprised to find how much I gained. I wasn't expecting to make friends, but I did. Can you think of ways to meet people and get involved in things that don't center around alcohol? Another thing, the bs lies are not doing you any favors. You don't need to explain to anyone why you drink or not. It's no one's business but yours. 
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Congrats beatle, sounds like you have chosen life. How great!! I am so comfortable with my non-drinking status that I feel at home in any social scenario, it took work and didn't happen overnight, but it has come around and can for you as well. I am doing what is in my best interestand being my my best friend by not drinking. It is only important that I understand what and why I do what I do.
If it comes up in conversation my answer is simply that I prefer not to. If they want more words, I say I have no reason to drink. It usually ceases to be the topic of conversation long before now, but I am more than willing to tell them as much truth as they handle. Most people have short attention spans.
I really enjoyed your share. Keep up the good work.
If it comes up in conversation my answer is simply that I prefer not to. If they want more words, I say I have no reason to drink. It usually ceases to be the topic of conversation long before now, but I am more than willing to tell them as much truth as they handle. Most people have short attention spans.
I really enjoyed your share. Keep up the good work.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Beatle and congrats on your upcoming year.
I think everyone faces this problem to varying degrees...I had friends who drank like I did and wanted me to continue to do that...they had to go...
I had friends who did nearly everything social with alcohol...I had to be careful with accepting invites for a while.
The real difference tho was me finally seeing how many people do not drink, or do not need it to socialise with, and that the group I gravitated to.
I found them while volunteering, or pursuing hobbies, or in the course of just pursuing my sober life.
Once I realised I preferred being sober tho...a lot of this static in my head disappeared.
I still prefer non drinkers but I found I can go anywhere and do anything with anyone now.
What other people do is not a green light for me to do the same because I know myself in a way they do not.
If you're not sure you're at that point, that's ok...it took me more than a year but less than 2 years, I think?
D
I think everyone faces this problem to varying degrees...I had friends who drank like I did and wanted me to continue to do that...they had to go...
I had friends who did nearly everything social with alcohol...I had to be careful with accepting invites for a while.
The real difference tho was me finally seeing how many people do not drink, or do not need it to socialise with, and that the group I gravitated to.
I found them while volunteering, or pursuing hobbies, or in the course of just pursuing my sober life.
Once I realised I preferred being sober tho...a lot of this static in my head disappeared.
I still prefer non drinkers but I found I can go anywhere and do anything with anyone now.
What other people do is not a green light for me to do the same because I know myself in a way they do not.
If you're not sure you're at that point, that's ok...it took me more than a year but less than 2 years, I think?
D
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,409
Congratulations on your sober time 🙏 There are many people for whom alcohol plays very little or no importance. These people are vastly in the majority in my experience. Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are a good starting point to find others who don’t drink due to alcoholism and so that common bond is shared. Once you have a really solid recovery and then hanging out with other drinkers who are drinking doesn’t appeal is my experience anyway. As has been already said it takes time and lots of recovery 🙏
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Congrats on getting back! As DEE said, we all have to deal with the social aspect. I kind of thought I had a lot of friends back when I drank but oddly none of them wanted to hang out if booze wasn't involved. And since I value sobriety and don't value alcohol at all, after a while I realized I had nothing in common with my old crowd. But I made new friends, and do things centered around activities that don't involve drinking. You can do this, too!
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Like you, I believed everyone drinks, but after I got sober, I realized a lot of people don't drink, and most are not dependent on alcohol, and most will respect you for not drinking. Circles of friends vary greatly, however. If you have described your circle of friends accurately, I would say you are hanging out with the wrong crowd. It's absurd to need mock drinks to keep your friends off your back, something doesn't sound right... to me anyway. None of my friends called me a wimp for quitting alcohol. Most were silent, but a few were surprisingly respectful and encouraging. A couple of my old drinking friends who also had serious problems even asked how I did it.
Recovery is a process of feeling good about yourself and taking pride in yourself, and there is no pride in trying to keep up with your friends at your own expense. Congratulations on 1 year. That took some doing, but you are still early in the game and still sorting out some of your "beyond the craving" issues. I thought I had things in the bag at one year, but mostly all I had in the bag was not drinking anymore. Like you, I was positive about that one thing. In the years that followed, I grew a lot more, but it didn't happen all at once. It was a lot of baby steps that added up to big changes over many years of sobriety. But it was a fun ride, and I never felt like dumping the worst parts of my life was a real sacrifice. Things just kept getting better. And it's still happening.
Recovery is a process of feeling good about yourself and taking pride in yourself, and there is no pride in trying to keep up with your friends at your own expense. Congratulations on 1 year. That took some doing, but you are still early in the game and still sorting out some of your "beyond the craving" issues. I thought I had things in the bag at one year, but mostly all I had in the bag was not drinking anymore. Like you, I was positive about that one thing. In the years that followed, I grew a lot more, but it didn't happen all at once. It was a lot of baby steps that added up to big changes over many years of sobriety. But it was a fun ride, and I never felt like dumping the worst parts of my life was a real sacrifice. Things just kept getting better. And it's still happening.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, I agree with all the previous posts...and I would especially agree with Anna when she says that the lying is not serving YOU.
I didn't lie.
To the (very few) people in my intimate inner circle I announced my new non-drinking status, and said, "I've had enough," or something similar depending on the person.
To the rest of the world? Friends, acquaintances, colleagues? "I don't drink," or, "Thanks, I'll have water." End of discussion. Mocktails and lying doesn't help me become at peace with my decision. I don't need anyone's approval or their understanding. It's entirely a personal decision for which no one is entitled to an explanation.
I didn't lie.
To the (very few) people in my intimate inner circle I announced my new non-drinking status, and said, "I've had enough," or something similar depending on the person.
To the rest of the world? Friends, acquaintances, colleagues? "I don't drink," or, "Thanks, I'll have water." End of discussion. Mocktails and lying doesn't help me become at peace with my decision. I don't need anyone's approval or their understanding. It's entirely a personal decision for which no one is entitled to an explanation.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: England
Posts: 269
Congratulations on your sobriety!
I can relate to your situation and feelings.
I find it amazing how people seem to be fascinated in what Im drinking or why I not drinking at events.
I find it frustrating having to get into the same repetitive discussions all the time as if there's something wrong with me. Well there is sonething wrong with me, I cant drink like "normal people", but having to explain myself is boring.
Its also amazing how some people seem to love suggesting ideas such as moderation, as if I havent spent years of my life trying to do this unsuccessfully amongst other things!
I can relate to your situation and feelings.
I find it amazing how people seem to be fascinated in what Im drinking or why I not drinking at events.
I find it frustrating having to get into the same repetitive discussions all the time as if there's something wrong with me. Well there is sonething wrong with me, I cant drink like "normal people", but having to explain myself is boring.
Its also amazing how some people seem to love suggesting ideas such as moderation, as if I havent spent years of my life trying to do this unsuccessfully amongst other things!
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Hi beatle,
Social can be a tricky part indeed.
As others have said here, I think once you go past the honeymoon sobriety stage it’s more of a slow process, where one needs to adjust at least parts of one’s life.
When we sober up we change, it makes sense that life should change too.
In practical terms, I both started getting into new things and making new friends there, and I became pro active in meeting up with old friends in different situations (I.e inviting people for coffee, walks, exercising).
I find now I have more meaningful friendships and family relationships than before. I still go to the big drinking events, I just leave early, when I feel like. Nobody seems to care anymore, maybe it helps that I’m open that I just don’t want to drink anymore.
Well done on one year!
Social can be a tricky part indeed.
As others have said here, I think once you go past the honeymoon sobriety stage it’s more of a slow process, where one needs to adjust at least parts of one’s life.
When we sober up we change, it makes sense that life should change too.
In practical terms, I both started getting into new things and making new friends there, and I became pro active in meeting up with old friends in different situations (I.e inviting people for coffee, walks, exercising).
I find now I have more meaningful friendships and family relationships than before. I still go to the big drinking events, I just leave early, when I feel like. Nobody seems to care anymore, maybe it helps that I’m open that I just don’t want to drink anymore.
Well done on one year!
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,425
Beatle, thanks for sharing. Good advice and discussion so far. Great job on a year of sobriety.
I found that most of the concern regarding social situations was in MY head. Those events didn't/don't revolve around alcohol for most people the way they did for me. Now, I don't have to hit the liquor store or beer cave on the way. I don't have to regret things I did or said in front of others nearly as often. I don't have to think about driving home vs staying over vs bumming a ride because I shouldn't be driving. As to those for whom the drinking is so important, some of which are close long-standing friends, it just seems ridiculous now. I hope that I can set a positive example for them.
Not doing yourself any favors with the pretend drinks or the excuses. Others will respect you more if you take ownership. Besides, what does it matter what they think? You will RESPECT YOURSELF more if you take ownership, which is half of the battle.
As to pushy people who don't demonstrate respect for my boundaries, sobriety has brought some changes for me. I can better picture the kind of person I want to be and the kind of people I want in my life. Also, the kind of person I don't want to be, and the kind of people I don't want in my life.
I found that most of the concern regarding social situations was in MY head. Those events didn't/don't revolve around alcohol for most people the way they did for me. Now, I don't have to hit the liquor store or beer cave on the way. I don't have to regret things I did or said in front of others nearly as often. I don't have to think about driving home vs staying over vs bumming a ride because I shouldn't be driving. As to those for whom the drinking is so important, some of which are close long-standing friends, it just seems ridiculous now. I hope that I can set a positive example for them.
Not doing yourself any favors with the pretend drinks or the excuses. Others will respect you more if you take ownership. Besides, what does it matter what they think? You will RESPECT YOURSELF more if you take ownership, which is half of the battle.
As to pushy people who don't demonstrate respect for my boundaries, sobriety has brought some changes for me. I can better picture the kind of person I want to be and the kind of people I want in my life. Also, the kind of person I don't want to be, and the kind of people I don't want in my life.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,160
Good Work on 1 Year!
Good idea to talk this out.
It's a new life, so it's gonna feel strange for a while.
I agree pretending to drink isn't the best idea but good for you trying whatever it takes.
Family functions were always a big drinking event. Still are at times but I do not participate in that part of it and everyone knows it now so there is no question whether I am drinking or not.
Get out in the world as others have said.
I am simply amazed at how many people actually don't drink since I got sober.
When I first quit and someone offered me a drink I simply said no thanks. I don't drink anymore.
The best thing about hanging with non drinkers is they remember things, they show up to do what they said they were gonna do not just make drunken promises they don't remember.
My social life ain't much but it's way better than when I was a drunk.
Good idea to talk this out.
It's a new life, so it's gonna feel strange for a while.
I agree pretending to drink isn't the best idea but good for you trying whatever it takes.
Family functions were always a big drinking event. Still are at times but I do not participate in that part of it and everyone knows it now so there is no question whether I am drinking or not.
Get out in the world as others have said.
I am simply amazed at how many people actually don't drink since I got sober.
When I first quit and someone offered me a drink I simply said no thanks. I don't drink anymore.
The best thing about hanging with non drinkers is they remember things, they show up to do what they said they were gonna do not just make drunken promises they don't remember.
My social life ain't much but it's way better than when I was a drunk.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 527
I have come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic who can only stay sober by fully committing to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I am one of those types. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat more about that.
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Join Date: May 2022
Location: California
Posts: 354
I'm at 308 days sober and I admit that I'm getting a bit ruffled because I want to do things other than go to work, come home, go to a meeting, go to bed.......That my daily routine in a nutshell for the last 10 months. But as bad as I want to explore my new life, I am very cautious who, what and where I allow myself to go. I don't hide from people drinking but I don't go places with people where alcohol is the focus either. Sadly, that's almost my entire family which includes my my wife, my daughters, BIL's, SIL's et cetera. They're really not alcoholic but there's always a bottle of really, really good wine open somewhere and I'm just too vulnerable right now. I'd rather go to work, come home, go to a meeting, and go to bed without a guilty conscience.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
Anyone who asks me if I drink, I always say, No thank you, I don't drink anymore. And when they say, Oh, you used to drink... then I say, Yes, that's why I don't drink now... 
If you are asked if you want a drink, just say, no thank you. If they bug you about it, ask them - Does it bother you that I'm not drinking? That usually shuts them up in a hurry.
It really is none of their business if you drink or not. Don't let that ruin your sobriety.
If you are asked if you want a drink, just say, no thank you. If they bug you about it, ask them - Does it bother you that I'm not drinking? That usually shuts them up in a hurry.
It really is none of their business if you drink or not. Don't let that ruin your sobriety.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
Hey beatle-
It takes some time, but since you have committed to never drinking again, you soon won't care at all who thinks what. Your decision is your own and it just doesn't matter what others think or do. You don't need to explain to anyone what you're doing or why- you aren't drinking anymore. I like least's response- mine is similar to hers- but honestly, no one pushes back at all after the first few months- actions speak WAY louder than words. I'm at the point now that I prefer people DO ask me about it! But most don't care and the ones that do, well, let's just say that they have their own demons and they stay quiet. Just go about your business, don't isolate, don't feel you have to pretend drink- and let me tell you- my one experience with a "mocktail" just messed with my head. One of my favorite quotes around here is "non-alcoholic beer/wine is for non-alcoholics." It's fine for some, of course, just be careful.
You're doing great and you should feel proud and solid in your belief that you will not drink again. Good work.
It takes some time, but since you have committed to never drinking again, you soon won't care at all who thinks what. Your decision is your own and it just doesn't matter what others think or do. You don't need to explain to anyone what you're doing or why- you aren't drinking anymore. I like least's response- mine is similar to hers- but honestly, no one pushes back at all after the first few months- actions speak WAY louder than words. I'm at the point now that I prefer people DO ask me about it! But most don't care and the ones that do, well, let's just say that they have their own demons and they stay quiet. Just go about your business, don't isolate, don't feel you have to pretend drink- and let me tell you- my one experience with a "mocktail" just messed with my head. One of my favorite quotes around here is "non-alcoholic beer/wine is for non-alcoholics." It's fine for some, of course, just be careful.
You're doing great and you should feel proud and solid in your belief that you will not drink again. Good work.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 46
Thank you for spending the time to think about my problem and relaying very helpful options. I've read and absorbed every word. I'm fortunate I found this forum.
I have dear friends and family for whom I care very much, and they happen to be drinkers. I also have acquaintances who happen to be drinkers. I am going out to an annual St. Patrick's event Friday with both. I know I will not drink and it will not be a problem that they drink in front of me. It is simply not an option for me as a near death situation has brought that to light. I'm obsessed with sobriety and fully aware of the consequences otherwise. My wife knows I will not drink as well and she is going to be at the gathering, I will be the designated driver. I look forward to seeing everyone and I'm sure it will be fun as always. Its important to me that I do not isolate myself, especially from friends and family. I realize that some will be uncomfortable that I'm not drinking, but those will be my acquaintances. My hang-up is my pride and its time to swallow that pride and think about me, it's all in my head
My answer will be a straightforward "I'm not drinking", and why not? "I just don't"?
I'm finding that being sober is wonderful, but I'm also finding that this will be a long, iterative process of adaptation and acceptance.
I have dear friends and family for whom I care very much, and they happen to be drinkers. I also have acquaintances who happen to be drinkers. I am going out to an annual St. Patrick's event Friday with both. I know I will not drink and it will not be a problem that they drink in front of me. It is simply not an option for me as a near death situation has brought that to light. I'm obsessed with sobriety and fully aware of the consequences otherwise. My wife knows I will not drink as well and she is going to be at the gathering, I will be the designated driver. I look forward to seeing everyone and I'm sure it will be fun as always. Its important to me that I do not isolate myself, especially from friends and family. I realize that some will be uncomfortable that I'm not drinking, but those will be my acquaintances. My hang-up is my pride and its time to swallow that pride and think about me, it's all in my head
My answer will be a straightforward "I'm not drinking", and why not? "I just don't"?
I'm finding that being sober is wonderful, but I'm also finding that this will be a long, iterative process of adaptation and acceptance.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Belgrade
Posts: 298
I am very lucky in this regard because i am not a social person , i love being alone , i have a lot of friends because i lived in the same neighborhood my entire life but they all know that i am not social , i never saw the point in relationships or any kind of attachment to anyone , i have my brothers and the rest of my family and that is more than enough. The older i get the more introverted i become , but i don't see that as a bad thing , i just prefer being alone , i am happy when nobody is bothering me , even when i go for a run in my neighborhood i usually do it late at night because i don't want to run into any of my friends and spend 30 minutes talking to them , i am just not wired for social life , every once in a while it feels good , but most of the time i am good by myself and my close family circle.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by beatle 
Thank you for spending the time to think about my problem and relaying very helpful options. I've read and absorbed every word. I'm fortunate I found this forum.
I have dear friends and family for whom I care very much, and they happen to be drinkers. I also have acquaintances who happen to be drinkers. I am going out to an annual St. Patrick's event Friday with both. I know I will not drink and it will not be a problem that they drink in front of me. It is simply not an option for me as a near death situation has brought that to light. I'm obsessed with sobriety and fully aware of the consequences otherwise. My wife knows I will not drink as well and she is going to be at the gathering, I will be the designated driver. I look forward to seeing everyone and I'm sure it will be fun as always. Its important to me that I do not isolate myself, especially from friends and family. I realize that some will be uncomfortable that I'm not drinking, but those will be my acquaintances. My hang-up is my pride and its time to swallow that pride and think about me, it's all in my head
My answer will be a straightforward "I'm not drinking", and why not? "I just don't"?
I'm finding that being sober is wonderful, but I'm also finding that this will be a long, iterative process of adaptation and acceptance.
I have dear friends and family for whom I care very much, and they happen to be drinkers. I also have acquaintances who happen to be drinkers. I am going out to an annual St. Patrick's event Friday with both. I know I will not drink and it will not be a problem that they drink in front of me. It is simply not an option for me as a near death situation has brought that to light. I'm obsessed with sobriety and fully aware of the consequences otherwise. My wife knows I will not drink as well and she is going to be at the gathering, I will be the designated driver. I look forward to seeing everyone and I'm sure it will be fun as always. Its important to me that I do not isolate myself, especially from friends and family. I realize that some will be uncomfortable that I'm not drinking, but those will be my acquaintances. My hang-up is my pride and its time to swallow that pride and think about me, it's all in my head
My answer will be a straightforward "I'm not drinking", and why not? "I just don't"?
I'm finding that being sober is wonderful, but I'm also finding that this will be a long, iterative process of adaptation and acceptance.
If anyone takes it as far as, "Why not?" I tend to just lock eyes with them and don't blink! Not a word. To me, that prodding is incredibly rude! I gave an answer, and I'm not going to have a conversation about it.
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