Enkhecho

Even the list I made of his ill treatment, behavior and attitude towards me, it is still not stopping me to re-visit to the intermittent rewards he spared to me. List goes…. since December 6, 2015, we first met.
Can you spare some insights or help what’s wrong with this 45 years old woman who keeps thinking the abusive and hurtful man even after many years passed? (No physical contact or phone call since May 30, 2021, but few text messages)

1. When first time we became intimate, he disappeared again for the long time, made me feel like it was only one-night stand. February 15, 2016

2. Since our re-union in June and July, I later realized he transmitted me STD and I did not know it until August 2016.

3. He did not really say proper goodbyes to me every time when I left abroad, he was always drunk during my departures and ignored me: August 8, 2016, December 29, 2016, December 23, 2017
4. He did not pick me up from one of my colleague's apartments when I asked him to pick up after midnight. (Colleagues party) He deliberately did not come. October 17, 2017.
5. He hooked up with such younger woman (not hooker but looks like and acts like) from April to July 2017 even he and I was seeing each other randomly.
6. He did not visit me even I sent him transportation fare. That time I worked in different province (10 hours by bus) and lied to me that he was coming to me. August 20, 2017
7. He turned off phone for days and did not contact me when I told him that I am pregnant, all he said was “have an abortion, we can't afford baby, since we both unemployed” Jan 4, 2018 (miscarried later)
8. He deliberately changed plan to meet me on my birthday and decided to join his best friend for helping to build house. April 2019
9. He never contributed food and apartment cost when I rented apartment, since Sep 2019, even he had occarional incomes.
10. He had delirium tremens after non-stop drinking vodka every day for about 16 days. I was scared to death to witness such thing first time in my life. December 17, 2019
11. He threw out my cell phone and my music jewelry box from his parent’s apartment when he is mad. July 2020
12. One of the Holidays, he was drunk and mean and abusive to his parents, which his father called police, afternoon I went to the police took him. July 2020
13. He scared me by saying he would use knife, he was drunk, I forgot for what reason he said, but since he mentioned something knife. Jan 28, 2021. The next morning, I left his apartment and kind of never returned with my belongings to live with him.
14. When my oldest sibling died suddenly, I told him on the phone, he was drunk called every day until her funeral. Since then, I blocked him. It was kind of last straw to me. May 31, 2021
I moved to different province in August 2021, and I was fine with new job and new environment even he called and messaged from his father’s mobile, I blocked his father’s number……
15. Today, January 10, 2023, I keep thinking of him missing him physically……….. but I would not dare to call him or txt to him……….
Hurtful and inconsiderate things he said to me occasionally that I never forget.
1. When I showed him my mother’s photo, he told me as “your mother looks awfully older than her generation that time.” (My mother died 1995 when I was in high school)
2. No other man will look up you. You will not attract other man.
3. When I told him that I am going to wear cashmere when I get older, he responded me as “Can you live that long? Can you pass 50?