Wastinglife

I joined SR 10 years ago this month. I wish I could say it has been a good 10 years but it has unfortunately been the darkest, loneliest period of my life.

I have had varying degrees of success with sobriety over the years. 6 months is the longest I've been sober. I am sober now and will be over the holidays. However, I'll be alone the entire time. I've been alone every Christmas for 10 years. I have no family or friends around and my Christmas dinner will be spaghetti, which came from a food bank.

I lost everything already by the time I joined SR and have struggled to rebuild my life. Sobriety just makes me realize that I have to accept I will never have the life I envisioned when I was younger. Which really just was to have a family of my own and be happy.

At the root of everything is a disability I was diagnosed with at age 35. ADHD. It's a devastating disability for an adult, particularly if it's undiagnosed.

I've ruined my career, finances, and relationships. At 46, my bridges have all been burned. Haven't seen anyone in my family for about 6 years now.

I still like Christmas though because I have happy memories from childhood and early adulthood. I will keep trying however and not ready to give up yet.

Father is likely to die soon. I predict within 2 years. Then I am going to start a new chapter of my life. I need a completely fresh environment in order to close the book on this chapter. I am planning to move from Canada to the UK where i have family and friends. No family here besides my elderly father.

Sorry to be a downer on Christmas!

Hope everyone has a better time than me!! Haha

zenithboy88

Hi Wasting.
my story has similarities.
My wife passed away 14 years ago.
My drinking got way out of hand.
I haven't put up a Xmas tree in 15 years,
Although this year I did put up a Manger.
My best friend is my pet cat.
Tomorrow's dinner is a Cornish hen and rice.
not too shabby.
I got some DVDs from the library, a couple old Jack Nicholson movies and the first season of "the office" (US version)
That's about it, otherwise I'm feeling upbeat and happy and not drinking.
It's just sooo depressing to be alone and drunk and hungover etc.
I do have anxiety and a certain amount of depression as it is.
I take a med for it though, so not bad at all.
Moving back to UK where you have family sounds like a good plan.
Hang in there and enjoy your Holidays!

VikingGF

You're not alone, you have us, WL. Don't put of changing that life of yours until something happens, you can be the impetus of your own change. It sounds like you've had a rough road, but we have lots of bumpy roads around here- and eventually we realize the only way to make it better is to stay sober and keep moving toward what we want for ourselves. Sometimes the picture of what we wanted isn't exactly what we get- but it's always better with some sober friends and sober time. Since you've been around- you know how much support there is here- I hope you make use of it so you don't feel alone. You're not.

Thank you for your post.

DriGuy

Best wishes for the rest of the Holidays. You have done exceptionally well under such adverse conditions. My hat is off to you. Take care.

sugarbear1

Why not check out some local AA meetings? There might be marathon meetings and food over the holidays. And best of all, other alkies to talk with!

2ndhandrose

Merry Christmas Wastinglife!

Your post really touched my heart.

I am glad that you are here and I know that I am not the only one on SR that appreciates you.

Dropsie

I saw that Viking is hosting a virtual Christmas Eve party, maybe check it out.
I was also diagnosed with ADHD as an adult +50.
Obviously we each have our story, but for the most part I have been able to not let it get in the way of a good life. If you are like me your finances are a mess, drowning in unfinished tasks, and feeling unbearable shame. Took me a long time to realize the shame comes from the thousands of times we were told we were bad when we were little because of the ADHD.
Many things are harder for us, and you may well have to rebuild, but we also have a lot of gifts.
I miss my parents, wonder if a start might be to consider reaching out to them.
I know its tough mate, but dont let it take away your light.

nmd

Glad you are here and sober WL, have a Merry Christmas!

I dont want to diacount your hardships but life is rarely what we've hoped for. Family and friends and joy are often where we least expect it. Wishing you the best

fishkiller

Merry Christmas WL!

Life is tough but you are obviously tougher.
Hang in there man, you can build a new llife. 46 is young

Steely

Happy Christmas WL!

All I can say, is thank goodness for food banks, and who don't serve alcohol. Hooray!

Enjoy whatever you find upon your table WL, grateful for small mercies.

You are not a downer WL. We love and care about you. OK? ❤️

I know you can get sober.

BenfromLondon

Hi WL,

I'm sorry to read about your experience and also that your Dad isn't well. I've only been here literally since this week but I can see that this is a very friendly place already.

I'm actually going through a transitional phase myself, including giving up drink when I'm ready - that's why I'm here.

Are you originally from the UK?

Zencat

Hi WL
Childhood PTSD and ADD stripped me of even the dream of having a family of my own. From 121/2 years old and decades on I was symptomatic of 5 mental health disorders at once. I'm 65 and long have made peace with all of my past. I forgave myself, forgave my situation and forgave everybody in my life that has caused me harm. I call it surrender and let go of the whole shebang. Its cleansing to do so. Sending you healing vibrations and hope. Thank you for the post, we are not alone here at SR.

Dee74

I’m glad you posted WL.
Some great advice here - maybe you can make 23 your year?

D

MythOfSisyphus

I guess life is what happens as you watch your plans go down in flames!grouphug: My life certainly has not gone to plan or at least the plans I had when I was younger. Of course, when I was young I knew nothing about life. A few years ago I was taught the concept of 'radical acceptance', accepting life on life's terms. True, there are things I wanted once that I'll never have and I can't turn the clock back to change anything. Still, I have what I have. It's never to late to try to follow your dreams and achieve your goals, never too late to make things better. But for me at least, only by accepting what truly is can I work towards a better future. Holidays can be brutal reminders of what we've lost or opportunities to start anew. Maybe both at the same time. I hope you can give yourself a break @Wastinglife. There's more left to the story of your life.

Dropsie

Such great thoughts here WL, thanks for starting this thread.

Anna

WL, I think it's good that you are thinking ahead and considering moving to a better situation. Wouldn't it be great if you could make that move as a sober person.

Pondlady

I'm 65 and the years between 46 and now have flown by and a lot happened ! Looking ahead and moving to be near family and friends are good steps to making your coming years sober and full.

Surrendered19

At 46 you aren't at any final chapters WL. It isn't even intermission yet!!! I'm glad you are sober and here with us.